THE SOCIETY OF YOUNG MEN.
Importance of right views on this point. We cannot banish all
thoughts of love. The opposite extreme. Regard not every one as a
lover. Two errors in the society of gentlemen. Forwardness. The
poet's caution. Undue reserve. The happy medium attainable. Should
know a variety of gentlemen. The acquaintances of Brothers.
No period of life is more decisive of a female's character, than that at
which she enters the society of the opposite sex, as a woman. Her
manners and conversation at that time usually do much to determine her
condition for life. The IDEAL which she carries with her into the world,
becomes the presiding star of her destiny. On her general estimate of
man, and the views she entertains of his sex, every thing now depends.
If she can penetrate character, and has resolution to form high
purposes, blessed is her lot.
First, then, I cannot join with those who advise a young lady to banish
entirely from her mind every thought of love, until she receives
overtures for particular attention. Providence designed her for the
exercise of her affections; why then seek wholly to suppress them, or
to expend no thought whatever upon them? "Nature," says a recent writer,
"will assert her rights over the beings she has made: she avenges all
attempts to force or shackle her operations. We ought long ago to have
been convinced that the only power allowed to us, is the power of
direction." Yet "to girls have been denied the very thoughts of
love,--even in its noblest and purest form."--They "know nothing at all
of it, or nothing but what they have clandestinely gathered from corrupt
sources." Is not this evidently doing violence to one of the strongest,
and I will add, the holiest, impulses of their nature? If it be true, as
some affirm, that the marriage service is the first part of the Liturgy
perused by a young lady, I do not regard it as matter for surprise,
derision, or censure. She, who forces her mind wholly off this subject,
will be ill qualified, when the occasion demands it, to listen to
proposals of marriage. Ignorance and blindness can do little to give her
that sound judgment, and true discrimination, which alone should dictate
her reply. No, let this rather be done. Let her teachers and parents
speak frankly on this topic, treat it as a serious concern, and aid her
to form in her mind, a model of moral and intellectual excellence, such
as would render one a desirable companion, and yet let this model be
not a creature of romance, but of real life. Is it not better thus to
guide the affections and regulate the views on this subject, than to
stifle all feeling, and blindfold the mind to love? In what province
should reason be exercised, if not in that, which affects our condition
through life, for weal, or for woe?
But, while encouraged to give suitable thought to this subject, let not
a young lady become totally absorbed in it. Let her not look only on a
gentleman to canvass his merits as a lover, and a husband. The sexes
should associate for other and nobler objects; for social enjoyment, for
intellectual improvement, and for mutual aid, as moral and religious
beings. She who overlooks these precious advantages of general society,
sacrifices an invaluable means of education, no less than one of
rational gratification.
Still less should one allow herself to imagine every gentleman in love
with her. This sometimes occurs in consequence of an ignorance of the
world; sometimes from the illusion of very strong affections; and again,
from the unworthy practice of certain young men, who delight in exciting
and trifling with the feelings of the opposite sex. Let the cause be
what it may, nothing more exposes a lady to ridicule. Such extreme and
manifest sensitiveness provokes the trifler to fresh follies. The
sensible are disgusted by it; and she, who thus indulges her
imagination, is sowing the wind, and will reap the whirlwind. Sorrow,
regret, and disappointment await her.
In regard to "behavior to gentlemen," I do not think set rules and forms
are needful. Where the heart is duly controlled, and the understanding
cultivated, and fancy a servant not mistress of the soul, the deportment
will be spontaneously right, and commendable. Then all may safely be
trusted to nature. The manners will be the expression of gentleness,
mingled with firmness.
Two errors, however, are so prevalent in some circles, as to demand a
passing notice. One is that of the Forward and presuming. No lady can
make advances of a character bold and obvious to a gentleman, and still
retain a good name in society. Modesty is the only current coin of her
sex; nothing can atone for its absence. A self-possessed, yet retiring
manner, is at once the index, and the charm, of female worth. It may be
needless to speak of the confirmed coquette. She, like the coxcomb, may
expect no mercy from others. There are few, to whom the caution of the
poet is necessary,
"She can both false and friendly be.
* * * * * * * *
She gives a side glance and looks down,
Beware! Beware!
Trust her not;
She is fooling thee."
Examples of this character, I believe, are comparatively rare, despite
his opinion, who said that "at sixteen, woman is a coquette, _par
instinct_." Still, it is too true, that "the whole system of female
education tends more to instruct women to allure, than to repel;"
although "as rationally might the military disciplinarian limit his
tuition to the mode of assault, leaving his soldiery in entire ignorance
of the tactics of defence."
Opposed to this fault stands that of undue Reserve. Some young ladies
are so trained as apparently to enshrine themselves from all approach,
in the society of gentlemen. They are models of decorum, miracles of
prudence, and drawn up, as if always anticipating a foe. They inwardly
sneer at all sentiment, and deride those, who exhibit it, and pride
themselves, above all things, in keeping every one completely at a
distance.
I do not deny that a female has a right, and ought, to repel all
improper liberties, and to shew those, who are unduly familiar, that she
can assume, at fit times, a little dignity. But need one, in doing this,
build round herself a wall of ice? Shall she, through fear of seeming
fond and forward, put on an eternal frown? In avoiding French freedom,
we often substitute an Anglo-American prudery. The slightest compliment
is interpreted as flattery, so that the remarker must do violence to
his honest convictions, lest he offend an ever-suspicious, maidenly,
pride.
The true medium between boldness and a chilling reserve may not be
easily attained; yet it is worth years of effort, even to approximate
this happy manner. There are women, who can invite to easy and pleasant
conversation, and yet repel the most trivial impropriety in a gentleman.
I could wish that our female writers, in their minute directions to the
young of their sex, had recommended this desirable medium, instead of
teaching them to regard themselves as always acting on the defensive.
Can a lady never accept a present from a gentleman, without so doing it
as to encourage his particular attentions? Does she, by consenting to
walk, or ride with one, bind herself to him for life, or invite his
addresses, as a suitor?
But let a young woman resolve, that, while she receives the ordinary
marks of courtesy with readiness, she will not allow herself to infer
that they signify every thing. If the remark of Lord Bacon be correct in
general, that "women, when young, are the idols of men," the reverse of
it is not seldom true. A companion for the evening is invested with
imaginary dispositions, and she, who ought to have exercised her
judgment, and waited for decisive tokens of favor, is captivated
without the least intention on the part of her fancied lover.
It is certainly desirable that a young lady be acquainted, and that
somewhat particularly, with a variety of gentlemen. Thus only can she be
qualified to discriminate between the undeserving, the indifferent, and
the excellent. How else can you know the indications of those who
undervalue your sex in general, the worthless, gay, and unprincipled,
and guard against their influence? There are those, who delight in
making sport of an inexperienced female. To understand the traits of
such, you must sometime have met with them. But be sure you never place
yourself in the power of an individual of this character, or of one,
whose principles and designs you suspect. If you doubt the purity of any
one who seeks your society frequently, consult a friend older or wiser
than yourself; and abide by the judgment of disinterested observers.
There are instances, in which a young woman is brought into the society
of the other sex, by her Brothers. This sometimes exposes one to mistake
the civilities of friendship, for manifestations of love. Thus situated,
you ought to take special heed against those romantic ideas, and
premature inclinations, that spring from passion and fancy. Here as at
all times, the advice of a judicious brother, before whom those of his
own sex are accustomed completely to disclose their true character,
should be sought and prized. Do not permit yourself to indulge a
predilection for one, against whom, as a companion for life, so near a
relative and friend has warned you.