CONDITIONS OF TRUE MARRIAGE.
But one divine cement. "Marrying to increase Love." Must be Free.
Advice of Parents. A rare example. Good Disposition. Good Temper.
Charity on Religious Opinions. Intelligence. Refined Taste. Good
Health. Energy of Character. Similarity of Fortune; of Age. Early
Marriages. View of them in Italy. Recommended by Dr. Franklin.
Objections. Lady Blessington.
Before forming any connection in life, we should consider well its
objects, and the means by which they promise to be accomplished, and
then ask ourselves if these be placed within our particular reach. Now
what is marriage? _The union of two individual souls in one._ This is
its essence, that without which, it loses all claim to the sacred name
it bears. But what will secure a union of souls between husband and
wife?
There is but one divine cement, Love. No substitute can atone for its
absence; no talisman can produce consequences that belong only to this
holy principle.
Many joys are inherent in a true marriage. It has sympathies, the most
intimate of which mortals are capable, and it calls forth affections,
such as pertain to no other voluntary relation of life. But these
sentiments are the fruits of love alone. Disgust and aversion cannot
produce them, nor are they the growth of indifference. If there be not a
peculiar interest in the society of another, and a pain in his absence,
no foundation is yet laid for a genuine marriage between him and
yourself.
Again, there are evils incident to this life, which lose much of their
bitterness, when shared with another. There is a sorrow of spirit, which
none but a near friend can soothe. Peculiar trials belong also to the
marriage condition. How can these evils and trials be mitigated to the
wife, or the husband? Only by the power of love. If you dislike your
companion, you cannot minister cordially to his griefs, nor will he
participate in yours. Marriage is an arch; if love be its keystone, it
will stand firmly; it will grow stronger with time. That wanting, it
will crumble in a day. Never should this relation be formed, except with
such sentiments as give reasonable hope of an ever-growing love.
Our natural emotions, on witnessing a marriage without apparent
affection, are painful. If a lady be compelled so to marry, we pity her
doom; if she do it voluntarily, we cannot but feel a disgust at the
connection. Yet how often, could we unveil human hearts, should we see
at the altar, nothing deeper than stratagem, expediency, fancy, or at
best, friendship, as the chief attractive cause. Is it right to complain
ourselves, or should we wonder, at the spectacle of miserable matches in
others, if the temple of marriage rest thus on wood, hay and stubble,
instead of having gold, silver, and precious stones at its base?
"Marrying to increase love," says a writer, "is like gaming to get rich.
You are liable, in the hazard, to lose all you carry to the game." They,
who join hands, with cold hearts, often cease even to respect one
another. They become, in truth, like the pith-ball, in its approach to
the electrified cylinder, the more fiercely repelled, the nearer the
contact. If you do not love the individual you wed, above all his sex;
if nothing more than fancy and friendship draw you toward him, then your
marriage will be indeed a "lottery," and yours may be a blank. Let there
be genuine love, and if alienation afterward occur, it may be overcome
by time and circumstances. Enter this condition in coldness, and strange
will be the exception, if that chill ever be exchanged for a glow.
A true marriage must be Free, contracted by the preference and choice of
the parties. If it be done by constraint, or against the will of either,
it comes short of an union, and is a mere bargain and sale. An offer
may be accepted, simply to gratify a parent or a friend, when the taste
of the lady would have prompted a rejection. The case of Madeline Bray,
in Nickleby, is precisely of this character. She pledged herself a
victim to one whom she did not love, and could not but secretly despise,
and had the marriage been actually consummated, it would have hardly
been a more incongruous, forced, and unnatural connection, than many
which occur in real life. To marry _only_ to please a third person, even
though it be a father, or mother, is never a duty, and can be the result
only of a misled judgment, or a mistaken kind of filial piety.
Yet I by no means recommend the disregard of parental advice, in this
sacred transaction. Perhaps the dangers of this age lie chiefly in that
direction. There is often a false independence in this matter, an idea
that a certain individual must be a lady's companion for life. She may
believe that "the match was made in Heaven," and that it is a sin, in
parents and friends, to oppose it. Or, she may determine that, let what
will be the consequences, she will accept the overtures of the gentleman
before her. The tendencies of the times induce many parents to keep
silent, and take no part, and give no advice, when their daughters
receive proposals for marriage. It is thought that, let them advise as
they may, their children are resolved to do just as they please, and, to
preserve peace, they forbear to interfere in the least.
This state of things cannot be too deeply deplored. When a young woman
has an offer of addresses, it presents a solemn occasion, one which
demands of her great deliberation, thoughtfulness and discretion. The
instances are rare, in which an immediate decision can with propriety be
effected. Counsel and assistance are never more needed, than in this
important exigency. And to whom should one go, in preference to those
who best understand her character, and what traits are needed in another
to render her happy, and useful to him; and who feel also the deepest
interest in her welfare? The daughter should seek advice from this
quarter, and the parent ought promptly to give it.
In the other extreme, where parental partiality would coerce the
feelings of a child, and impel her to a step she would fain avoid, then
let the daughter mildly, but firmly, maintain her own purpose. I saw
recently an account of a couple who were married nearly three years
since, but owing to the opposition of friends, they lived separately,
and kept their secret, until circumstances permitted a disclosure. Here
must have been genuine affection, a true union of souls. "Stolen waters
are sweet," and none seem more so, than the draughts of a clandestine
marriage. Much as I deprecate the result of such elopements, I would
rather a young lady should be even guilty of this imprudence, if she
sincerely love her companion, than that she marry one she does not love,
nor can hope ever to love, for the sake of gratifying any individual in
the world. Let advice be sought, and let it be weighed and well heeded;
but let it operate only on a free mind, and induce only to a more
serious, and dispassionate consideration, for yourself, of the reply you
shall give.
A good Disposition, if essential in the wife, is no less so in the
husband. No young lady would marry one she believed destitute of this
quality. Every instance, in which it is ultimately found to be wanting,
is the result of a deception, either culpably disregarded by the lady,
or so artfully conducted, during the days of "courtship," as to be then
wholly unperceived. But of what value are all other recommendations,
talent, beauty, wealth, family, without an amiable spirit, and kind
feelings? She, who allows herself to hazard any thing on this point, is
little less than insane. If her partner prove morose, sullen, selfish,
it will blight forever the joys of their marriage day. Better had she
been bound to the dead, as certain offenders of her sex were said to be
of old, than bound to a living mass of pollution, to one whose
principles become more and more her horror, as they are daily betrayed.
Next to the disposition, I regard a good Temper as essential to domestic
happiness. If nature have bestowed sparingly of this gift, and there be
evidence of inward passion, unless there be also unceasing efforts at
self-control, commit not your destiny to the individual. When the
restraints of unfamiliar acquaintance are at length thrown off, what can
you anticipate, but captiousness, and peevishness, if not actual
violence? "Where surfaces," says one, "are contiguous, every little
prominence is mutually felt." How fearful that minds subject to
unrestrained anger, should be brought in so near collision, as may be
produced by marriage.
You will desire proofs of sensibility. This is often accompanied by
excitable passions; but not uniformly, not of necessity. No one could be
prone naturally to greater strength of passion than Washington seems to
have been, yet how admirably did he control his anger. The beau ideal of
a desirable companion combines quick feelings, with a serene,
self-possessed temper. Spare no efforts in ascertaining how near the
individual who addresses you approaches this ideal. An utter failure,
should present, in your view, an insuperable obstacle to a connection
with him for life.
Another condition of happy marriage, is an union of spirit on the great
subject of Religion. It is desirable that the husband and wife belong to
the same Christian denomination; and that the family they constitute
worship in one church. Still, the circumstance of their adherence to
different sects should not alone prevent their connection. They should
hope to unite in their views on the main doctrines of religion; but even
this is not indispensable to a true marriage. One thing, however, is so;
and that is, that they each possess _the spirit of Charity_.
There must be sympathy, as respects the value and necessity of personal
piety. It is not their belief alone, which can produce this; nor will a
diversity of opinion prevent it, where the spirit of Christ exists
mutually between them. We are told that, where husband and wife enter
into a cordial union, there often becomes a growing personal resemblance
of one to the other. Like views, tastes, feelings and interests,
generate a similar expression of countenance. This blessed token of
genuine affection, will often be manifested, where there is found a
spiritual sympathy. Let this holy temper be deemed essential, and you
shall
"Learn, by a mortal yearning, to ascend
Towards a higher object.--Love was given,
Encouraged, sanctioned, chiefly for that end."
I have in mind, an instance, where there seems great unity of spirit
between two, whose religious opinions are supposed to be diametrically
opposite. Who can tell but, by her singular charity, the wife is there
sanctifying her husband, when had she exhibited toward him a bigoted and
repulsive disposition, she might have driven him even to blank
infidelity?
Let there be a full and frank expression of opinion on points of faith
and conscience, before marriage, as well as after. Occasion is sometimes
given for the complaint that the true feelings and intentions on this
subject were concealed, during the engagement of the parties; or, that
more charity was expressed then, than afterward. This, of all prospects,
is most assuredly fatal to the hope of a happy marriage. Whatever
difference may exist, as to preferences of doctrine, or places of
worship, let them be explicitly communicated, before marriage. Then will
it never be said, "This I did not expect. It was not so, during our
engagement."
The young woman may justly require that her future companion be a man
of Intelligence. "Mental attractions alone can gain a lasting empire.
Where these are wanting, as the object loses its novelty, and becomes
common, its beauties fade away, and the imagination, and the eyes
which complacently and admiringly, rested upon them, begin to
wander.--Love, if it ever existed, rapidly abates; one or both regret
precipitation;--glaring defects stand out in bold relief, in place of
the perfections which the imagination had painted." She, who does not
regard another as at least her equal in talent and education, can hardly
entertain for him that respect, which is the basis of all true love. Not
only should there be a moral and religious, but also an intellectual,
sympathy between husband and wife. Else, how can they enjoy the society
and conversation of each other, in those numberless hours, when they are
sole companions? What a burden to a lady of cultivated mind, must be the
society of one, who takes no pleasure in a book, and can appreciate only
the gossip of the day, or outward gratifications.
The mortification too, of being linked to stupidity, or ignorance, for
life, of feeling always anxious, when in company, lest your companion
utter the follies he does at your fireside, must be insupportable. If
you have a husband, whom you cannot trust as a man of common sense at
least, woe is your lot.
Nor is it unreasonable to require in your partner, refined Taste, and
delicate feelings. There may be valuable traits, and still this be
wanting. A friend of mine married an individual, whom she respected for
his talents, and Christian character. But he was still destitute of
acute perceptions and deep sensibility. There was a coarseness in his
nature, which made him blind to her feelings, and a vulgarity of habit
and speech, which to her was completely disgusting. He did not intend
any harm, but was still always offending her taste; and this simple
circumstance embittered her whole happiness, and hastened her, I
believe, out of this world. Opinions may differ; the grave may marry the
gay, and the silent, the loquacious; the irritable may seek the calm;
the bold, the modest; and the impassioned, the gentle. This occurs,
indeed, according to the analogy of the physical world, where attraction
takes place between different bodies, as between the opposite poles of
magnets, &c. But it is not so in matters of taste, certainly not, so far
as refinement and coarseness are concerned.
Good Health is a point of no ordinary moment. It is needful for the
discharge of our duties; and she can hardly be justified, who allies
herself to one evidently incapable, for his physical debility, of
sustaining a family. A person afflicted by an incurable disease,
especially if hereditary, cannot reasonably expect a young lady to
sacrifice herself upon him. There are other offices, beside that of the
nurse, demanded of a wife, and the cases should be rare, in which all
other considerations are merged in this.
But there may be health, and still a deficiency in Energy of Character.
With this trait as the foundation, you may anticipate a fair
superstructure; but if this be wanting, you ought not, and cannot, look
for anything but poverty, and wretchedness, throughout your connection.
A worldly-minded man, will be far from an interesting companion; yet, in
the issue, it is better to trust yourself with the slave of business,
than with a palpable drone.
Similarity of Fortune is to be desired in those who contemplate
marriage. There need not be, it is true, entire equality in this
respect; yet a great disparity of circumstances is often the source of
melancholy evils. The individuals thus joined, will probably differ in
their habits, and in their views of economy, of dress, and style of
living. One shall appear mean, and the other extravagant. She, who is
raised suddenly from poverty to affluence, must possess rare humility,
to escape undue elation and pride. While to one accustomed to opulence,
there will seem a degradation in the condition of a destitute husband.
These evils will spring up also in the character and feelings of the
husband, where the wife has lived in circumstances entirely unlike his
own. Instances there are, and will be, in which such consequences will
not follow; but the tendencies are strongly in this direction.
The Ages of those joined in marriage, should be somewhat near each
other. How else can there be true sympathy between them? One shall
charge the other with levity, and that allegation be retorted by the
charges of moroseness, and insensibility to enjoyment. It is well,
perhaps, that there be that difference of age, which nature indicates in
the sexes. It is not of two, or four, years we speak. The great poet of
humanity writes, and perhaps wisely,--if these be the limits,--thus:
"Let still the woman take
An elder than herself; so wears she to him,
So sways she level in her husband's heart."
Much has been said in relation to the expediency of Early Marriages. In
Italy, early marriages are regarded as so important, that in many
churches and fraternities, there are annual funds established, to raise
portions, and procure comfortable matches for young maidens who are
destitute. In their favor, is the circumstance that the habits are then
less established, and the parties may more easily conform to one
another, than afterward. Nor is prejudice then so strong, nor opinion so
inflexible, as in later manhood. The husband and wife can hence educate
one another better, than if their marriage had occurred late in life. It
was for these, and for prudential reasons, that Dr. Franklin recommended
early marriages.
On the other hand, it cannot be questioned, that young ladies are often
engaged, and sometimes married too early, before their school education
is completed, or their judgment matured. The mother is, perhaps, anxious
to marry her daughters "off her hands," and, moved by a miserable
ambition, she and they, lest she be later in her engagement than some
companion, consent to her being sacrificed on the first offer, be it
what it may. Hence come those fatal alliances, in which "a six month's
acquaintance after marriage, transforms the beau ideal into a fool, or a
coxcomb; and the happy couple, to use an expression of Lady
Blessington's, have to 'pay for a month of honey, with a life of
vinegar.'" Circumstances should affect a predetermination on this point,
yet where they are balanced, she is the wiser, who postpones a
matrimonial connection, until her age, and her preparation for it,
indicate its propriety.