And when I got home, I threw myself on my bed, and instantly fell fast
asleep, for I was worn out by emotion and fatigue: and my slumber
resembled the deep peace of my own heart. And a little before the
dawn, I woke up, and went out, wandering where my footsteps led me,
with a soul lost in meditation on Táráwalí, bathed in the nectar of
reminiscence and anticipation, and yet puzzled by a doubt that it
could not resolve. And I said to myself as I went along: How in the
world can a queen like her, who laughs all other women to utter
scorn, for beauty and understanding and gentleness and sweetness, and
some unintelligible magic charm that is somehow spread all over her,
and echoes in the tone of her delicious voice that makes every fibre
of my heart tremble every time I hear it; how can such a queen as she
show such extraordinary favour to such a thing as me? For I could
understand it, if it were any other man. For then I should say that
beyond all doubt, she actually preferred him to all others in the
world, for sheer affection. And yet, as it is, it is quite
incomprehensible. For, it might seem, that she must be in love with me
herself, returning my affection: and yet it cannot be. For how could
such a miracle as she is, the supreme achievement of the Creator, and
the concentrated essence of the charm of all her sex, think of such a
one as me, even in a dream, as an object of affection? And yet, if
not, how is her behaviour to be explained? For I might perhaps believe
that she was merely playing with me for her own amusement, were she
any other woman than exactly the one she is: but as it is, no one
could believe it that had ever seen her for an instant: and she needs
no other argument in her defence than every glance at her supplies.
And it may be, after all, that she took up with Narasinha merely out
of pique, at being so unceremoniously slighted and cast off as a thing
of no value by her booby of a husband, and, as it were, also out of
gratitude to find herself appreciated at her true value, which she
must very well understand notwithstanding all her own beautiful
self-depreciation, which is an extra charm enhancing all her other
charms: and afterwards, it may be, she has changed her mind, as women
do, about Narasinha, without being willing to admit it, even to
herself; and come, only the other day, suddenly on me. Aye! beyond a
doubt, this would be the true conclusion, and the answer to the
riddle, but for one consideration that makes it utterly impossible,
that I am only I.
And so as I debated with myself, all at once I heard my own name
called aloud in the air. And I looked up, and lo! there was my old
friend Haridása,[26] on a camel. And he said: Ha! Shatrunjaya, art
thou thyself indeed, or another exactly like thee, or hast thou lost
thy senses and thy ears? For here have I been calling to thee, all
along the street, without succeeding in waking thee from thy dream,
till now. And what can it be, that can so fill thy mind as to stop up
all its entrances?
And I exclaimed in delight: Ah! Haridása, thou art come in the very
nick of time, the very man, at this moment, that I need most. Get off
thy camel, for a while, and come and sit beside me, and find me, if
thou canst, an answer to a question that I cannot find myself. And so
he did. And as soon as we were seated by the roadside, I said to him:
Haridása, listen. Thou knowest me well. Now tell me thy opinion: am I
one that a woman might choose out of many for a lover?
And Haridása began to laugh. And he looked at me shrewdly, and he
said: Aha! Shatrunjaya the lute-player, so this was thy preoccupation?
Art thou one to catch a woman's fancy? O Shatrunjaya, why not? For art
thou not a musician, famous in the world, and a man among men, into
the bargain? All women love a giant, such as thou art. Any woman of
them all might do worse than fall in love with thee. And yet thy very
question shows, that in this matter of women, thou art little better
than a child, as indeed thou always wert. For even the Deity himself
can never tell what man any woman will prefer, or why: as how should
he, seeing that she does not even know, herself? And there never yet
existed any man whom some woman would not worship, let him be as ugly
as you please, or even for that very reason: and yet, let a man be a
very Kámadewa, woman after woman will pass him by, without even so
much as casting a glance at him out of the very corner of her eye. For
a woman's affection depends on her fancy, and that is like the wind,
that comes and goes and wavers how and where it will, without a reason
that anybody can discover. And it is sheer waste of time to sit and
wonder, whether thou art or art not a man that a woman might love.
Thou art both, or neither: for the only way to settle thy question is
to try. And she will, or she will not, of her own accord. And now, who
is she, this beauty who has set thee so knotty a problem to solve?
And I said with indifference: There is no such beauty; for all my
perplexity arose from the line of an old song: Nectar when she turns
towards thee: poison when she turns away.
And Haridása turned sharp towards me, and looked at me intently for a
very long while, saying absolutely nothing. And we sat talking of
other things till he rose to go away. And then, at the very moment he
was mounting on his camel, he turned, and came back. And he said:
Listen! Thou art hiding from me something that maybe I could startle
thee by guessing: but no matter. Keep thy secret: but listen to a
piece of good advice, which may serve thee at a pinch. If ever thou
wouldst have a woman prize thee, never let her see that thou settest
any store by her. Treat her as a straw, and she will run after thee as
if thou wert a magnet: make thyself her slave, and she will hold thee
cheap, and discard thee for another. For women think meanly of their
sex, and utterly despise the man who places them above himself: since
in her heart every woman longs to be a man, bewailing her misfortune
in being born a woman, and praying all her life for one thing only, to
be born a man in another birth. And one thing above all she cannot
understand, how or why any man should make a fuss about any woman, as
all men do: which, just because she is not a man herself, she cannot
comprehend. And like jugglers, that are not taken in by their own
tricks, women look upon men as mere fools, for being taken in at all.
For a woman's charm, to a woman, is not only not a charm at all, but a
trick, and a lure, understood, and utterly despised. So now, be a
man, and whatever folly thou art meditating, at least beware of being
guilty of the very greatest of them all, by doubting of thy own
superiority of manhood to the womanhood of any woman, no matter who
she be: and earning her contempt, by lying at her feet. And now,
farewell! for I have business with Narasinha.
And at the name of Narasinha, I pricked up my ears. And I said, with
feigned indifference: Who is Narasinha?
And Haridása spat upon the ground. And he said: One, whom thou art
lucky not to know: and yet, his name is _apropos_. For he is the
Queen's lover, and an instance in point: since he leads her by a
string, just because he treats her as a trifle, and not, as all her
other lovers do, as a gem not to be matched by any other in the sea.
And yet he is not, like thee, a man among men, but a man among women.
For just as a dancing-girl loves to be treated as a queen, so does a
queen love to be treated as a dancing-girl.
And then, all at once, he struck me on the shoulder. And he said, in a
low voice: Why didst thou start, when I named Narasinha?
And without waiting for any answer, he got quickly on his camel, and
rode away, never looking back.