XI

And as the door shut behind her, she left the whole room filled to the

very brim with the red glow of triumphant love's emotion, and the

atmosphere of the ecstasy of happiness; and the laughter, of which she

seemed to be the incarnation, hung, so to say, in every corner of the

room. And my heart sang and my blood bubbled with the wave of the

ocean of anticipation that surged and swelled within me, so that I was

utterly unable to sit still, for sheer joy; and my soul began as it

were to dance in such excitement, that I could hardly refrain from

shouting, resembling one intoxicated by the abruptness of a sudden

change from certain death to the very apex of life's sweetness. And I

said to myself: Sunset! So, then, beyond a doubt, she has either

forgiven me, or is willing to forgive. And who knows? For if she has

forgiven once, she may forgive again: when again, it may be, she will

allow me to say good-bye. And at the thought, my heart began to burn

with dull fire, hurting me so that I could hardly breathe: and yet

strange! the pain was divided only by a hair from a sweetness so

intense that I laughed aloud, without knowing why, like one hovering

on the very verge of being mad. And so I remained, drowned in the

ocean of the torture and the nectar of love-longing, every now and

then waking as from a day-dream to wonder at the sun, who seemed to

dawdle on his way, as if on purpose to separate my soul from my body

with impatience. But at last, after all, day began slowly to come to

an end, and I set out for the palace, with feet that could hardly be

restrained from running as fast as they could go.

And at the gate the very same _pratihárí_ was waiting, and she led me

away, exactly as before, to the door, and opened it, and I went in.

And I stood, listening to its sound as it shut behind me, hardly able

to believe that it was not a dream, as I found myself once more in the

garden that contained the Queen. And I stopped for a while, for my

heart was beating so furiously that I was afraid it would break. And I

said to myself, with a sigh of ineffable relief: Ah! now, then, I am

actually here, once more. And O now, very soon, comes the agonising

rapture of seeing her again. And I wonder where she is, and how I

shall find her to-night. And now I must begin to hunt for a very sweet

quarry. And suddenly I started almost running, paying absolutely no

attention to the trees at all, with eyes that were blind for

everything in the world, except one.

And then, all at once, I stopped short: for I looked and saw her, a

little way off, under a great _nyagrodha_ tree, sitting crossways in

a low swing[25] that hung down from a long bough, holding one of its

ropes in her left hand that was stretched as high as it could go, and

leaning back against the other with her head cushioned in her bent

right arm. And she had her left foot tucked beneath her, so that her

left knee stood up in the swing, while her right leg was stretched out

below, so that its foot just reached the ground, to allow her to swing

very gently, whenever her toes touched the earth. And the lovely line

of her great right hip seemed to cry for admiration, running down in a

single unbroken curve from her waist into the ground, balanced as it

were above by the slender beauty of her left arm rising from the mound

of her left breast. And the rising moon which she was watching touched

her with a faint lustre, lighting up like a lamp the great gem in her

hair, and making the champak blossom that floated in the hollow of her

bosom's wave glimmer like the foam on a midnight sea. And after a

while, I began to steal towards her on tiptoe, fearing to disturb her,

lest the lovely picture should be spoiled, yet yearning to be with her

with the whole strength of my soul. But all at once, she heard me

coming, and looked round and saw me. And instantly she left her swing,

and came towards me, walking quickly with undulating steps, as upright

as a pillar of her own tree. And I stood still, to watch her coming,

and adore it, and delay it, but she reached me in a moment, and she

stopped, and said with a smile: I am very glad to see thee. I sent

thee, by the mouth of Chaturiká, a time, and yet I hardly dared to

hope for thy coming: since doubtless thou hast a better use for thy

hours than to waste them upon me.

And I stared at her, in utter stupefaction: and then, all at once I

began to laugh. And I exclaimed: Waste! I do not understand. What dost

thou mean? Or what was thy object in bidding me to come to thee at

sunset? Surely not merely to talk to me of music? And she looked at me

gently, with surprise. And she said: Of course. What other object

could I have? And I looked at her in silence, saying to myself: Can it

really be possible that she means exactly what she says, and that this

was the only significance of the word she sent to me? And suddenly I

leaned towards her, with hunger in my eyes. And I said: Then indeed, I

was mistaken. It was not so, that I interpreted thy summons. Alas! O

Táráwalí, the only music that I came for was the music of thy

incomparable voice, and I thought it was thy own deliberate intention

to send for me simply that I might listen to it again, as I gazed on

its owner with adoration.

And she looked at me reproachfully, and she said: Again! Alas! I

imagined that thou wouldst ere now have recovered from thy shock of

yesterday, and be able now to help me; and yet, here is thy delusion

returning, as it seems, even worse than before. See now, forget

altogether that I am a woman, and let us talk of music, like two

friends. And I laughed in derision, and I exclaimed: Forget that thou

art a woman! Ask me rather to forget I am a man. Art thou blind, or

hast thou never even looked into a mirror? Dost thou imagine me less

than a man, bidding me forget that she is a woman who stands before

me, as thou dost, smiling, and bewildering my soul with her maddening

loveliness, and the absolute perfection of her body and her soul,

showing the hungry man food, and forbidding him to eat, and the

thirsty man water, and requiring him to think of it as something it is

not? Or art thou all the time only playing, having no heart in thy

body, or a stone for a heart? Didst thou summon me only to torture and

torment me? Dost thou not know, canst thou not see, the agony of my

suffering, standing close enough to seize thee in my arms, and yet

kept at a distance, to listen to what I cannot even understand? I tell

thee, I am drunk with thy beauty, and mad with intolerable desire for

the incomprehensible fascination of thy charm, and dost thou dream of

quenching my fire by talking about friends? I want no friendship from

thee. I will be more than a friend to thee, or less: aye! I would give

all the friendship in the three worlds for a single drop of nectar,

mixed of thy body and thy soul.

And as I spoke, she listened, putting up every now and then her hand,

as if to stop me: and when I ended, she stood, looking at me in

perplexity, as if utterly unable to decide what to do. And at last, I

said: Why dost thou say nothing? And she said, simply; I do not know

what to say. And I laughed aloud, lost in admiration of the

extraordinary simplicity of her incomparable reply. And I exclaimed: O

thou wonderful woman, how can I find words to express what I feel for

thee? And she said, as if with despair: I counted on thy recovery. And

I said: Count not on my recovery, for I never shall recover. And she

said, with a smile: Then, as it seems, I shall never have my music

lesson. And perhaps it would be better, if it ended here, without ever

having begun. And in any case, to-night, thy visit must of necessity

be a very short one, since I have other business, unexpectedly arisen,

to do. And so, shall we say good-night, without any more delay?

And I said slowly: If I must go, I must: for I will obey thee, order

what thou wilt. And yet, wilt thou not allow me at least to bid thee

good-bye, as thou didst last night?

And she looked at me, as I leaned towards her, as if with reproach,

and she stood for a moment, hesitating, and as it were, balanced in

the swing of her own beautiful irresolution. And then, after a while,

she sighed, and put out her hand, as if with resignation. And I drew

her to me with a clutch, and caught her in my arms, showering on her

lips and her eyes and her hair kisses that resembled a rain of fire:

while all the time she offered absolutely no resistance, allowing me

to do with her exactly as I pleased. And when at last I stopped to

breathe, looking at her with eyes dim with emotion, she said, very

gently, with a smile, lying just as she was, fettered in my arms:

Hast thou yet bid me good-bye, to thy satisfaction? And I said in a

low voice: Nay, not at all. For thou hast not yet kissed me in return,

even once. And as if out of compassion, she did as she was told:

kissing me gently, over and over again, for I would not let her stop,

with kisses that resembled snowflakes that burned as they fell.

And at last, I let her go. And holding her two hands, I gazed at her

for a while in adoration, while she looked at me as if patiently

waiting to be released, with a little smile. And I said: Now then I

will obey thee, and go: for thou hast given me something that will

keep me alive. And yet thou art cheating me by sending me away before

the time, and thou owest me the rest. Promise me, that thou wilt

summon me to-morrow, or I cannot go away, even if I try. For if I go,

not knowing when I shall see thee again, I will slay myself on thy

palace steps.

And she drew away her hands, very gently, and turned away, and stood

looking down upon the ground, reflecting. And I watched her, as I

waited, with anxiety: for she seemed to be meditating, not so much of

me, as of something unknown to me, that stood in the way of her

decision. And then at last, she turned towards me, looking at me, as

it seemed, with pity. And she said, almost sadly, and yet with a

smile: Poor moth, thou wilt only burn away thy wings. Thou little

knowest, what eyes are on thee, or the danger thou art running by

overestimating me, and coming here at all. And yet, the mischief has

been done, and thou art greatly to be pitied, having fallen under a

spell: and thou art suffering from a fever to which nothing can bring

any alleviation but myself. And it would be far better to refuse thee,

since to grant thy request cannot possibly do thee any good. And yet I

cannot find it in my heart to deny thee what thou cravest, since I am

myself the involuntary cause of all thy delusion, and can give thee

such extraordinary pleasure, with so very little trouble to myself.

And so, I will give thee thy desire, and to-morrow's sunset shall be

thine.

And I uttered a cry of joy. And utterly unable to control my emotion,

I caught her once more in my arms, kissing her passionately with

trembling lips. And suddenly I shuddered with delight, for I felt her

lips kissing me again. And my senses reeled, and I murmured with

emotion: Ah! thou lady of my dream, art thou real, or am I still only

dreaming after all? And she stood back, putting me away with her hand,

and she said, gently: I am real, but thou seest me through the eyes of

thy dream. For what is there, after all, in me, save what thou puttest

there thyself, with the aid of thy fancy, and thy passion, and the

recollection of thy dream?

And I looked at her in silence for a while, and then I said: Promise

me yet one thing more. And she smiled, and said: Thou art insatiable:

and yet, what is it? And I said: Send me Chaturiká in the morning,

just to tell me what I know already. For I shall be dying of

impatience, and she is like a foretaste of thyself, and will help to

keep me alive.

And she laughed, and she said: Ah! thou art very crafty, for Chaturiká

is far prettier than I. But I will send her for all that, to gratify

thee to the full. And moreover, I am not jealous. But now, thou must

absolutely go: for I must also. And she leaned towards me, with eyes

that were full of an unutterable caress: and she said: To-morrow, at

sunset, I will be thy dream. Only remember, not to blame me, for

anything that may happen when awaking comes.

And I turned and went away, with a heart that trembled in the

extremity of joy. And when I had gone a little way, I looked back, and

saw her still standing, looking after me, with her two hands clasped

behind her head, as motionless as a tree. And after a little while, I

looked again, and she was gone.