Peregrine sets out for the Garrison, and meets with a Nymph of the Road,
whom he takes into Keeping, and metamorphoses into a fine Lady.
In the meantime, our hero jogged along in a profound reverie, which
was disturbed by a beggar-woman and her daughter, who solicited him
for alms, as he passed them on the road. The girl was about the age
of sixteen, and, notwithstanding the wretched equipage in which she
appeared, exhibited to his view a set of agreeable features, enlivened
with the complexion of health and cheerfulness. The resolution I have
already mentioned was still warm in his imagination; and he looked upon
this young mendicant as a very proper object for the performance of his
vow. He, therefore, entered into a conference with the mother, and for
a small sum of money purchased her property in the wench, who did not
require much courtship and entreaty, before she consented to accompany
him to any place that he should appoint for her habitation.
This contract being settled to his satisfaction, he ordered Pipes to
seat his acquisition behind him upon the crupper, and, alighting at the
first public-house which they found upon the road, he wrote a letter to
Hatchway, desiring him to receive this hedge inamorata, and direct her
to be cleaned and clothed in a decent manner, with all expedition, so
that she should be touchable upon his arrival, which, on that account,
he would defer for the space of one day. This billet, together with
the girl, he committed to the charge of Pipes, after having laid strong
injunctions upon him to abstain from all attempts upon her chastity,
and ordered him to make the best of his way to the garrison, while he
himself crossed the country to a market town, where he proposed to spend
the night.
Tom, thus cautioned, proceeded with his charge, and, being naturally
taciturn, opened not his lips, until he had performed the best half of
his journey. But Thomas, notwithstanding his irony appearance, was in
reality composed of flesh and blood. His desire being titillated by
the contact of a buxom wench, whose right arm embraced his middle as he
rode, his thoughts began to mutiny against his master, and he found
it almost impossible to withstand the temptation of making love.
Nevertheless, he wrestled with these rebellious suggestions with all
the reason that Heaven had enabled him to exert; and that being totally
overcome, his victorious passion suddenly broke out in this address:
“'Sblood! I believe master thinks I have no more stuff in my body than
a dried haddock, to turn me adrift in the dark with such a spanker. D'ye
think he don't, my dear?” To this question his fellow-traveller replied,
“Swanker anan!” And the lover resumed his suit, saying, “Oons! how you
tickle my timber! Something shoots from your arm, through my stowage,
to the very keelstone. Han't you got quicksilver in your
hand?”--“Quicksilver!” said the lady, “d--n the silver that has crossed
my hand this month; d'ye think, if I had silver, I shouldn't buy me a
smock?”--“Adsooks! you baggage,” cried the lover, “you shouldn't want
a smock nor a petticoat neither, if you could have a kindness for a
true-hearted sailor, as sound and strong as a nine-inch cable, that
would keep all clear above board, and everything snug under the
hatches.”--“Curse your gum!” said the charmer, “what's your gay balls
and your hatches to me?”--“Do but let us bring-to a little,” answered
the wooer, whose appetite was by this time whetted to a most ravenous
degree, “and I'll teach you to box the compass, my dear. Ah! you
strapper, what a jolly b-- you are!”--“B--!” exclaimed this modern
dulcinea, incensed at the opprobrious term; “such a b-- as your mother,
you dog! D-- you, I've a good mind to box your jaws instead of your
comepiss. I'll let you know, as how I am meat for your master, you saucy
blackguard. You are worse than a dog, you old flinty-faced, flea-bitten
scrub. A dog wears his own coat, but you wear your master's.”
Such a torrent of disgraceful epithets from a person who had no clothes
at all, converted the gallant's love into choler, and he threatened to
dismount and seize her to a tree, when she should have a taste of
his cat-o'-nine-tails athwart her quarters; but, instead of being
intimidated by his menaces, she set him at defiance, and held forth with
such a flow of eloquence, as would have entitled her to a considerable
share of reputation, even among the nymphs of Billingsgate; for this
young lady, over and above a natural genius for altercation, had her
talents cultivated among the venerable society of weeders, podders, and
hoppers, with whom she had associated from her tender years. No wonder,
then, that she soon obtained a complete victory over Pipes, who, as the
reader may have observed, was very little addicted to the exercise of
speech. Indeed, he was utterly disconcerted by her volubility of tongue;
and, being altogether unfurnished with answers to the distinct periods
of her discourse, very wisely chose to save himself the expense of
breath and argument, by giving her a full swing of cable, so that she
might bring herself up; while he rode onwards, in silent composure,
without taking any more notice of his fair fellow-traveller, than if she
had been his master's cloak-bag.
In spite of all the despatch he could make, it was late before he
arrived at the garrison, where he delivered the letter and the lady to
the lieutenant, who no sooner understood the intention of his friend,
than he ordered all the tubs in the house to be carried into the hall,
and filled with water. Tom having provided himself with swabs and
brushes, divested the fair stranger of her variegated drapery, which
was immediately committed to the flames, and performed upon her soft and
sleek person the ceremony of scrubbing, as it is practised on board of
the king's ships of war. Yet the nymph herself did not submit to this
purification without repining. She cursed the director, who was upon the
spot, with many abusive allusions to his wooden leg; and as for Pipes
the operator, she employed her talons so effectually upon his face, that
the blood ran over his nose in sundry streams; and next morning, when
those rivulets were dry, his countenance resembled the rough bark of a
plum-tree, plastered with gum. Nevertheless, he did his duty with great
perseverance, cut off her hair close to the scalp, handled his brushes
with dexterity, applied his swabs of different magnitude and texture, as
the case required; and, lastly, rinsed the whole body with a dozen pails
of cold water, discharged upon her head.
These ablutions being executed, he dried her with towels, accommodated
her with a clean shift, and, acting the part of a valet-de-chambre,
clothed her from head to foot, in clean and decent apparel which had
belonged to Mrs. Hatchway; by which means her appearance was altered
so much for the better, that when Peregrine arrived next day, he could
scarce believe his own eyes. He was, for that reason, extremely well
pleased with his purchase, and now resolved to indulge a whim, which
seized him at the very instant of his arrival.
He had, as I believe the reader will readily allow, made considerable
progress in the study of character, from the highest rank to the most
humble station of life, and found it diversified in the same manner,
through every degree of subordination and precedency: nay, he moreover
observed, that the conversation of those who are dignified with the
appellation of polite company, is neither more edifying nor entertaining
than that which is met with among the lower classes of mankind; and that
the only essential difference, in point of demeanour, is the form of an
education, which the meanest capacity can acquire, without much study or
application. Possessed of this notion, he determined to take the young
mendicant under his own tutorage and instruction. In consequence of
which, he hoped he should, in a few weeks, be able to produce her in
company, as an accomplished young lady of uncommon wit, and an excellent
understanding.
This extravagant plan he forthwith began to execute with great eagerness
and industry; and his endeavours succeeded even beyond his expectation.
The obstacle, in surmounting of which he found the greatest difficulty,
was an inveterate habit of swearing, which had been indulged from her
infancy, and confirmed by the example of those among whom she had lived.
However, she had the rudiments of good sense from nature, which taught
her to listen to wholesome advice, and was so docile as to comprehend
and retain the lessons which her governor recommended to her attention;
insomuch, that he ventured, in a few days, to present her at table,
among a set of country squires, to whom she was introduced as niece to
the lieutenant. In that capacity she sat with becoming easiness of mien,
for she was as void of the mauvaise honte as any duchess in the land;
bowed very graciously to the compliments of the gentlemen; and though
she said little or nothing, because she was previously cautioned on that
score, she more than once gave way to laughter, and her mirth happened
to be pretty well timed. In a word, she attracted the applause and
admiration of the guests, who, after she was withdrawn, complimented Mr.
Hatchway upon the beauty, breeding, and good-humour of his kinswoman.
But what contributed more than any other circumstance to her speedy
improvement, was some small insight into the primer, which she had
acquired at a day-school, during the life of her father, who was a
day-labourer in the country. Upon this foundation did Peregrine build
a most elegant superstructure; he culled out choice sentences from
Shakespeare, Otway, and Pope, and taught her to repeat them with an
emphasis and theatrical cadence. He then instructed her in the names
and epithets of the most celebrated players, which he directed her
to pronounce occasionally, with an air of careless familiarity; and,
perceiving that her voice was naturally clear, he enriched it with
remnants of opera tunes, to be hummed during a pause in conversation,
which is generally supplied with a circulation of a pinch of snuff.
By means of this cultivation she became a wonderful proficient in the
polite graces of the age; she, with great facility, comprehended the
scheme of whist, though cribbage was her favourite game, with which she
had amused herself in her vacant hours, from her first entrance into the
profession of hopping; and brag soon grew familiar to her practice and
conception.
Thus prepared, she was exposed to the company of her own sex, being
first of all visited by the parson's daughter, who could not avoid
showing that civility to Mr. Hatchway's niece, after she had made her
public appearance at church. Mrs. Clover, who had a great share of
penetration, could not help entertaining some doubts about this same
relation, whose name she had never heard the uncle mention, during the
whole term of her residence at the garrison. But as the young lady was
treated in that character, she would not refuse her acquaintance; and,
after having seen her at the castle, actually invited Miss Hatchway to
her house. In short, she made a progress through almost all the families
in the neighbourhood; and by dint of her quotations, which, by the bye,
were not always judiciously used, she passed for a sprightly young lady,
of uncommon learning and taste.
Peregrine having in this manner initiated her in the beau monde of the
country, conducted her to London, where she was provided with private
lodgings and a female attendant; and put her immediately under the
tuition of his valet-de-chambre, who had orders to instruct her in
dancing, and the French language. He attended her to plays and concerts
three or four times a week; and when our hero thought her sufficiently
accustomed to the sight of great company, he squired her in person to
a public assembly, and danced with her among all the gay ladies of
fashion; not but that there was still an evident air of rusticity and
awkwardness in her demeanour, which was interpreted into an agreeable
wildness of spirit, superior to the forms of common breeding. He
afterwards found means to make her acquainted with some distinguished
patterns of her own sex, by whom she was admitted into the most elegant
parties, and continued to make good her pretensions to gentility, with
great circumspection. But one evening, being at cards with a certain
lady whom she detected in the very fact of unfair conveyance, she taxed
her roundly with the fraud, and brought upon herself such a torrent of
sarcastic reproof, as overbore all her maxims of caution, and burst
open the floodgates of her own natural repartee, twanged off with the
appellation of b-- and w--, which she repeated with great vehemence, in
an attitude of manual defiance, to the terror of her antagonist, and
the astonishment of all present; nay, to such an unguarded pitch was she
provoked, that, starting up, she snapped her fingers, in testimony of
disdain, and, as she quitted the room, applied her hand to that part
which was the last of her that disappeared, inviting the company to kiss
it by one of its coarsest denominations.
Peregrine was a little disconcerted at this oversight in her behaviour,
which, by the demon of intelligence, was in a moment conveyed to all the
private companies in town; so that she was absolutely excluded from all
polite communication, and Peregrine, for the present, disgraced among
the modest part of his female acquaintance, many of whom not only
forbade him their houses, on account of the impudent insult he had
committed upon their honour, as well as understanding, in palming a
common trull upon them, as a young lady of birth and education; but
also aspersed his family, by affirming that she was actually his own
cousin-german, whom he had precipitately raised from the most abject
state of humility and contempt. In revenge for this calumny, our young
gentleman explained the whole mystery of her promotion, together with
the motives that induced him to bring her into the fashionable world;
and repeated among his companions the extravagant encomiums which had
been bestowed upon her by the most discerning matrons of the age.
Meanwhile, the infanta herself being rebuked by her benefactor for this
instance of misbehaviour, promised faithfully to keep a stricter
guard for the future over her conduct, and applied herself with great
assiduity to the studies, in which she was assisted by the Swiss, who
gradually lost the freedom of his heart, while she was profiting by his
instruction. In other words, she made a conquest of her preceptor, who
yielding to the instigations of the flesh, chose a proper opportunity
to declare his passion, which was powerfully recommended by his personal
qualifications; and his intentions being honourable, she listened to his
proposals of espousing her in private. In consequence of this agreement,
they made an elopement together; and, being buckled at the Fleet,
consummated their nuptials in private lodgings, by the Seven Dials,
from which the husband next morning sent a letter to our hero begging
forgiveness for the clandestine step he had taken, which he solemnly
protested was not owing to any abatement in his inviolable regard
for his master, whom he should always honour and esteem to his latest
breath, but entirely to the irresistible charms of the young lady,
to whom he was now so happy as to be joined in the silken bonds of
marriage.
Peregrine, though at first offended at his valet's presumption, was,
upon second thoughts, reconciled to the event by which he was delivered
from an encumbrance; for by this time he had performed his frolic,
and began to be tired of his acquisition. He reflected upon the former
fidelity of the Swiss, which had been manifested in a long course of
service and attachment; and, thinking it would be cruelly severe to
abandon him to poverty and distress for one venial trespass, he resolved
to pardon what he had done, and enable him in some shape to provide for
the family which he had entailed upon himself.
With these sentiments, he sent a favourable answer to the delinquent,
desiring to see him as soon as his passion should permit him to leave
the arms of his spouse for an hour or two; and Hadgi, in obedience to
this intimation, repaired immediately to the lodgings of his master,
before whom he appeared with a most penitential aspect. Peregrine,
though he could scarce help laughing at his rueful length of face,
reprimanded him sharply, for his disrespect and ingratitude in taking
that by stealth which he might have had for asking. The culprit assured
him, that next to the vengeance of God, his master's displeasure
was that which of all evils he dreaded to incur; but that love had
distracted his brain in such a manner, as to banish every other
consideration but that of gratifying his desire; and he owned, that he
should not have been able to preserve his fidelity and duty to his own
father, had they interfered with the interest of his passion. He then
appealed to his master's own heart for the remission of his guilt,
alluding to certain circumstances of our hero's conduct, which evinced
the desperate effects of love. In short, he made such an apology as
extorted a smile from his offended judge, who not only forgave his
transgression, but also promised to put him in some fair way of earning
a comfortable subsistence.
The Swiss was so much affected with this instance of generosity, that he
fell upon his knees, and kissed his hand, praying to heaven, with great
fervour, to make him worthy of such goodness and condescension.
His scheme, he said, was to open a coffee-house and tavern in some
creditable part of the town, in hopes of being favoured with the
custom of a numerous acquaintance he had made among upper servants and
reputable tradesmen, not doubting that his wife would be an ornament to
his bar, and a careful manager of his affairs. Peregrine approved of the
plan, towards the execution of which he made him and his wife a present
of five hundred pounds, together with a promise of erecting a weekly
club among his friends, for the reputation and advantage of the house.
Hadgi was so transported with his good fortune, that he ran to Pipes,
who was in the room, and having hugged him with great cordiality,
and made his obeisance to his master, hied him home to his bride, to
communicate his happiness, cutting capers, and talking to himself all
the way.