Peregrine and his friend Cadwallader proceed in the Exercise of the
Mystery of Fortune-telling, in the course of which they achieve various
Adventures.
These preliminaries being adjusted, our hero forthwith repaired to a
card assembly, which was frequented by some of the most notable gossips
in town, and, having artfully turned the conversation upon the subject
of the fortune-teller, whose talents he pretended to ridicule, incensed
their itch of knowing secrets to such a degree of impatience, that their
curiosity became flagrant, and he took it for granted, that all or some
of them would visit Albumazar on his very first visiting-day. While
Peregrine was thus engaged, his associate made his appearance in another
convocation of fashionable people, where he soon had the pleasure of
hearing the conjurer brought upon the carpet by an elderly gentlewoman,
remarkable for her inquisitive disposition, who, addressing herself
to Cadwallader, asked, by the help of the finger-alphabet, if he knew
anything of the magician that made such a noise in town. The misanthrope
answered, as usual, in a surly tone: “By your question you must either
take me for a pimp or an idiot. What, in the name of nonsense, should
I know of such a rascal, unless I were to court his acquaintance with a
view to feast my own spleen, in seeing him fool the whole nation out
of their money? Though, I suppose, his chief profits arise from his
practice, in quality of pander. All fortune-tellers are bawds, and, for
that reason, are so much followed by people of fashion. This fellow,
I warrant, has got sundry convenient apartments for the benefit of
procreation; for it is not to be supposed that those who visit him on
the pretence of consulting his supernatural art, can be such fools,
such drivellers, as to believe that he can actually prognosticate future
events.”
The company, according to his expectation, imputed his remarks to the
rancour of his disposition, which could not bear to think that any
person upon earth was wiser than himself; and his ears were regaled with
a thousand instances of the conjurer's wonderful prescience, for which
he was altogether indebted to fiction. Some of these specimens being
communicated to him by way of appeal to his opinion, “They are,”
said he, “mere phantoms of ignorance and credulity, swelled up in the
repetition, like those unsubstantial bubbles which the boys blow up in
soap-suds with a tobacco-pipe. And this will ever be the case in the
propagation of all extraordinary intelligence. The imagination naturally
magnifies every object that falls under its cognizance, especially
those that concern the passions of fear and admiration; and when the
occurrence comes to be rehearsed, the vanity of the relater exaggerates
every circumstance in order to enhance the importance of the
communication. Thus an incident, which is but barely uncommon, often
gains such accession in its progress through the fancies and mouths
of those who represent it, that the original fact cannot possibly be
distinguished. This observation might be proved and illustrated by
a thousand undeniable examples, out of which I shall only select one
instance, for the entertainment and edification of the company.” A very
honest gentleman, remarkable for the gravity of his deportment, was one
day in a certain coffee-house accosted by one of his particular friends,
who, taking him by the hand, expressed uncommon satisfaction in seeing
him abroad, and in good health, after the dangerous and portentous
malady he had undergone. Surprised at this salutation, the gentleman
replied, it was true he had been a little out of order overnight, but
there was nothing at all extraordinary in his indisposition. “Jesu! not
extraordinary!” cried the other, “when you vomited three black crows.”
This strange exclamation the grave gentleman at first mistook for
raillery, though his friend was no joker; but, perceiving in him all the
marks of sincerity and astonishment, he suddenly changed his opinion,
and, after a short reverie, taking him aside, expressed himself in these
words: “Sir, it is not unknown to you that I am at present engaged in a
treaty of marriage, which would have been settled long ago, had it
not been retarded by the repeated machinations of a certain person who
professed himself my rival. Now I am fully persuaded that this affair of
the three crows is a story of his invention, calculated to prejudice me
in the opinion of the lady, who, to be sure, would not choose to marry a
man who has a rookery in his bowels; and, therefore, I must insist upon
knowing the author of this scandalous report, that I may be able to
vindicate my character from the malicious aspersion.” His friend, who
thought the demand was very reasonable, told him, without hesitation,
that he was made acquainted with the circumstances of his distemper by
Mr. Such-a-one, their common acquaintance: upon which the person who
conceived himself injured went immediately in quest of his supposed
defamer, and having found him: “Pray, sir,” said he, with a peremptory
tone, “who told you that I vomited three black crows?”--“Three?”
answered the gentleman, “I mentioned two only.”--“Zounds! Sir,” cried
the other, incensed at his indifference, “you will find the two too
many, if you refuse to discover the villainous source of such calumny.”
The gentleman, surprised at his heat, said he was sorry to find he had
been the accidental instrument of giving him offence, but translated
the blame, if any there was, from himself to a third person, to
whose information he owed his knowledge of the report. The plaintiff,
according to the direction he received, repaired to the house of the
accused; and his indignation being inflamed at finding the story had
already circulated among his acquaintance, he told him, with evident
marks of displeasure, that he was come to pluck the same brace of crows
which he said he had disgorged. The defendant, seeing him very much
irritated, positively denied that he had mentioned a brace: “One
indeed,” said he, “I own I took notice of, upon the authority of your
own physician, who gave me an account of it this morning.”--“By the
Lord!” cried the sufferer, in a rage, which he could no longer contain,
“that rascal has been suborned by my rival to slander my character in
this manner: but I'll be revenged, if there be either law or equity in
England.” He had scarce pronounced these words, when the doctor happened
to enter the room: when his exasperated patient lifting up his cane,
“Sirrah,” said he, “if I live, I'll make that black crow the blackest
circumstance of thy whole life and conversation.” The physician,
confounded at this address, assured him that he was utterly ignorant
of his meaning, and, when the other gentleman explained it, absolutely
denied the charge, affirming he had said no more than that he had
vomited a quantity of something as black as a crow. The landlord of the
house acknowledged that he might have been mistaken; and thus the whole
mystery was explained.
The company seeming to relish the story of the three black crows, which
they considered as an impromptu of Cadwallader's own invention; but,
granting it to be true, they unanimously declared that it could have no
weight in invalidating the testimony of divers persons of honour, who
had been witnesses of the magician's supernatural skill. On the next
day of consultation, the necromancer being in the chair, and his friend
behind the curtain, the outward door was scarce opened, when a female
visitant flounced in, and discovered to the magician the features of one
of those inquisitive ladies, whose curiosity, he knew, his confederate
had aroused in the matter above described. She addressed herself to him
with a familiar air, observing, that she had heard much of his great
knowledge, and was come to be a witness of his art, which she desired
him to display, in declaring what he knew to be her ruling passion.
Cadwallader, who was no stranger to her disposition, assumed the pen
without hesitation, and furnished her with an answer, importing, that
the love of money predominated, and scandal possessed the next place
in her heart. Far from being offended at his freedom, she commended
his frankness with a smile; and, satisfied of his uncommon talents,
expressed a desire of being better acquainted with his person; nay,
she began to catechise him upon the private history of divers great
families, in which he happened to be well versed: and he, in a
mysterious manner, dropped such artful hints of his knowledge, that
she was amazed at his capacity, and actually asked if his art was
communicable. The conjurer replied in the affirmative; but, at the same
time, gave her to understand, that it was attainable by those only who
were pure and undefiled in point of chastity and honour, or such as, by
a long course of penitence, had weaned themselves from all attachments
to the flesh. She not only disapproved, but seemed to doubt the truth
of this assertion; telling him, with a look of disdain, that his art
was not worth having, if one could not use it for the benefit of
one's pleasure; she had even penetration enough to take notice of
an inconsistency in what he had advanced; and asked, why he himself
exercised his knowledge for hire, if he was so much detached from all
worldly concerns. “Come, come, doctor,” added she, “you are in the right
to be cautious against impertinent curiosity, but, perhaps, I may make
it worth your while to be communicative.”
These overtures were interrupted by a rap at the door, signifying the
approach of another client; upon which the lady inquired for his private
passage, through which she might retire, without the risk of being seen.
When she understood he was deficient in that convenience, she withdrew
into an empty room adjoining to the audience-chamber, in order to
conceal herself from the observation of the new-comer. This was no other
than the inamorata, who came, by appointment, to receive the solution of
her doubts; and the misanthrope, glad of an opportunity to expose her to
the censure of such an indefatigable minister of fame as the person
who he knew would listen from the next apartment, laid her under the
necessity of refreshing his remembrance with a recapitulation of her
former confession, which was almost finished, when she was alarmed by a
noise at the door, occasioned by two gentlemen, who attempted to enter
by force.
Terrified at this uproar, which disconcerted the magician himself, she
ran for shelter into the place which was preoccupied by the other lady,
who, hearing this disturbance, had closed the window-shutters, that she
might have the better chance of remaining unknown. Here they ensconced
themselves in the utmost consternation, while the necromancer, after
some recollection, ordered Hadgi to open the door, and admit the
rioters, who, he hoped, would be over-awed by the authority of his
appearance. The janitor had no sooner obeyed his instructions, than
in rushed a young libertine, who had been for some time upon the town,
together with his tutor, who was a worn-out debauchee, well known to
the magician. They were both in that degree of intoxication necessary to
prepare such dispositions for what they commonly call frolics, and the
sober part of mankind feel to be extravagant outrages against the
laws of their country, and the peace of their fellow-subjects. Having
staggered up to the table, the senior, who undertook to be spokesman,
saluted Cadwallader with, “How dost do, old Capricorn? Thou seem'st
to be a most venerable pimp, and, I doubt not, hast abundance of
discretion. Here is this young whoremaster, a true chip of the old
venereal block his father, and myself, come for a comfortable cast
of thy function. I don't mean that stale pretence of conjuring--d--
futurity; let us live for the present, old Haly. Conjure me up a couple
of hale wenches, and I warrant we shall get into the magic circle in a
twinkling. What says Galileo? What says the Reverend Brahe? Here is a
purse, you pimp. Hark, how it chinks! This is sweeter than the music of
spheres.”
Our necromancer, perplexed at this rencontre, made no reply; but, taking
up his wand, waved it around his head in a very mysterious motion, with
a view of intimidating these forward visitants, who, far from being awed
by this sort of evolution, became more and more obstreperous, and even
threatened to pull him by the beard, if he would not immediately comply
with their desire. Had he called his associate, or even Hadgi, to his
aid, he knew he could have soon calmed their turbulence; but, being
unwilling to run the risk of a discovery, or even of a riot, he
bethought himself of chastising their insolence in another manner, that
would be less hazardous, and rather more effectual. In consequence of
this suggestion, he pointed his wand towards the door of the
apartment in which the ladies had taken sanctuary; and the two rakes,
understanding the hint, rushed in without hesitation.
The females, finding their place of retreat taken by assault, ran about
the room in great consternation, and were immediately taken prisoners
by the assailants, who, pulling them towards the windows, opened the
shutters at the same instant of time, when, strange to tell! one of the
heroes discovered in the prize he had made, the very wife of his bosom;
and his companion perceived that he had stumbled in the dark upon
his own mother. Their mutual astonishment was unspeakable at this
eclaircissement, which produced a universal silence for the space
of several minutes. During this pause, the ladies having recollected
themselves, an expostulation was begun by the elder of the two, who
roundly took her son to task for his disorderly life, which laid her
under the disagreeable necessity of watching his motions, and detecting
him in such an infamous place.
While the careful mother thus exercised her talent for reprehension,
the hopeful young gentleman, with a hand in each fob, stood whistling
an opera tune, without seeming to pay the most profound regard to his
parent's reproof; and the other lady, in imitation of such a consummate
pattern, began to open upon her husband, whom she bitterly reproached
with his looseness and intemperance, demanding to know what he had to
allege in alleviation of his present misconduct. The surprise occasioned
by such an unexpected meeting, had already, in a great measure,
destroyed the effects of the wine he had so plentifully drunk, and
the first use he made of his recovered sobriety, was to revolve within
himself the motives that could possibly induce his wife to give him
the rendezvous in this manner. As he had good reason to believe she
was utterly void of jealousy, he naturally placed this rencontre to the
account of another passion; and his chagrin was not at all impaired by
the effrontery with which she now presumed to reprimand him. He listened
to her, therefore, with a grave, or rather grim, aspect; and to the
question with which she concluded her rebuke, answered, with great
composure, “All that I have to allege, madam, is, that the bawd has
committed a mistake, in consequence of which we are both disappointed;
and so, ladies, your humble servant.” So saying, he retired, with
manifest confusion in his looks; and, as he passed through the
audience-chamber, eyeing the conjurer askance, pronounced the epithet
of precious rascal, with great emphasis. Meanwhile, the junior, like
a dutiful child, handed his mamma to her chair; and the other client,
after having reviled the necromancer, because he could not foresee this
event, went away in a state of mortification.
The coast being clear, Peregrine came forth from his den, and
congratulated his friend upon the peaceable issue of the adventure,
which he had overheard; but, that he might not be exposed to such
inconvenience for the future, they resolved, that a grate should be
fixed in the middle of the outward door, through which the conjurer
himself might reconnoitre all the visitants, before their admission; so
that, to those whose appearance he might not like, Hadgi should, without
opening, give notice, that his master was engaged. By this expedient
too, they provided against those difficulties which Cadwallader must
have encountered, in giving satisfaction to strangers, whom he did not
know: for the original intention of the founders was to confine the
practice of their art to people of fashion only, most of whom were
personally known to the counterfeit magician and his coadjutors.
Indeed these associates, Cadwallader in particular, notwithstanding his
boasted insight into the characters of life, never imagined that his
pretended skill would be consulted by any but the weaker-minded of
the female sex, incited by that spirit of curiosity which he knew was
implanted in their nature; but, in the course of his practice, he found
himself cultivated in his preternatural capacity by people of all sexes,
complexions, and degrees of reputation, and had occasion to observe,
that, when the passions are concerned, howsoever cool, cautious, and
deliberate the disposition may otherwise be, there is nothing so idle,
frivolous, or absurd, to which they will not apply for encouragement
and gratification. The last occurrence, according to the hopes and
expectation of the confederates, was whispered about by the ladies
concerned, in such a manner, that the whole affair was in a few days the
universal topic of discourse, in which it was retailed with numberless
embellishments, invented by the parties themselves, who had long
indulged a pique at each other, and took this opportunity of enjoying
their revenge.
These incidents, while they regaled the spleen, at the same time
augmented the renown of the conjurer, who was described on both sides as
a very extraordinary person in his way; and the alteration in his door
was no sooner performed, than he had occasion to avail himself of it,
against the intrusion of a great many, with whom he would have found it
very difficult to support the fame he had acquired.
Among those who appeared at his grate, he perceived a certain clergyman,
whom he had long known a humble attendant on the great, and with some
the reputed minister of their pleasures. This Levite had disguised
himself in a greatcoat, boots, and dress quite foreign to the habit
worn by those of his function; and, being admitted, attempted to impose
himself as a country squire upon the conjurer, who, calling him by his
name, desired him to sit down. This reception corresponding with the
report he had heard, touching our magician's art, the doctor said he
would lay aside all dissimulation. After having professed an implicit
belief, that his supernatural knowledge did not proceed from any
communication with evil spirits, but was the immediate gift of Heaven,
he declared the intention of his coming, was to inquire into the health
of a good friend and brother of his, who possessed a certain living in
the country, which he named; and, as he was old and infirm, to know what
space of time was allotted to him in this frail state of mortality, that
he might have the melancholy satisfaction of attending him in his last
moments, and assisting him in his preparations for eternity.
The conjurer, who at once perceived the purport of this question,
after a solemn pause, during which he seemed absorbed in contemplation,
delivered this response to his consulter: “Though I foresee some
occurrences, I do not pretend to be omniscient. I know not to what age
that clergyman's life will extend; but so far I can penetrate into
the womb of time, as to discern, that the incumbent will survive his
intended successor.” This dreadful sentence in a moment banished the
blood from the face of the appalled consulter, who, hearing his own doom
pronounced, began to tremble in every joint; he lifted up his eyes in
the agony of fear, and saying, “The will of God be done,” withdrew in
silent despondence, his teeth chattering with terror and dismay.
This client was succeeded by an old man about the age of seventy-five,
who, being resolved to purchase a lease, desired to be determined in the
term of years by the necromancer's advice, observing, that, as he had
no children of his own body, and had no regard for his heirs-at-law,
the purchase would be made with a view to his own convenience only; and
therefore, considering his age, he himself hesitated in the period of
the lease, between thirty and three-score years.
The conjurer, upon due deliberation, advised him to double the last
specified term, because he distinguished in his features something
portending extreme old age and second childhood, and he ought to provide
for that state of incapacity, which other-wise would be attended with
infinite misery and affliction. The superannuated wretch, thunderstruck
with this prediction, held up his hands, and in the first transports
of his apprehension, exclaimed, “Lord have mercy upon me! I have not
wherewithal to purchase such a long lease, and I have long outlived all
my friends; what then must become of me, sinner that I am, one hundred
and twenty years hence!” Cadwallader, who enjoyed his terror,
under pretence of alleviating his concern, told him that what he had
prognosticated did not deprive him of the means which he and every
person had in their power, to curtail a life of misfortune; and the old
gentleman went away, seemingly comforted with the assurance, that
it would always be in his power to employ a halter for his own
deliverance.
Soon after the retreat of this elder, the magician was visited by one
of those worthies known among the Romans by the appellation of
haeredipetae, who had amassed a large fortune by a close attention
to the immediate wants and weakness of raw, inexperienced heirs.
This honourable usurer had sold an annuity upon the life of a young
spendthrift, being thereto induced by the affirmation of his physician,
who had assured him his patient's constitution was so rotten, that he
could not live one year to an end. He had, nevertheless, made shift to
weather eighteen months, and now seemed more vigorous and healthy
than he had ever been known: for he was supposed to have nourished an
hereditary pox from his cradle. Alarmed at this alteration, the seller
came to consult Cadwallader, not only about the life of the annuitant,
but also concerning the state of his health at the time of his
purchasing the annuity, purposing to sue the physician for false
intelligence, should the conjurer declare that the young man was
sound when the doctor pronounced him diseased. But this was a piece of
satisfaction he did not obtain from the misanthrope, who, in order
to punish his sordid disposition, gave him to understand, that the
physician had told him the truth, and nothing but the truth; and that
the young gentleman was in a fair way of attaining a comfortable old
age. “That is to say,” cried the client, in the impatience of his
mortification at this answer, “bating accidents; for, thank God, the
annuitant does not lead the most regular life. Besides, I am credibly
informed he is choleric and rash, so that he may be concerned in a duel.
Then there are such things as riots in the street, in which a rake's
skull may be casually cracked; he may be overturned in a coach, overset
in the river, thrown from a vicious horse, overtaken with a cold,
endangered by a surfeit; but what I place my chief confidence in, is a
hearty pox, a distemper which hath been fatal to his whole family. Not
but that the issue of all these things is uncertain, and expedients
might be found which would more effectually answer the purpose. I know
they have arts in India, by which a man can secure his own interest, in
the salutation of a friendly shake by the hand; and I don't doubt that
you, who have lived in that country, are master of the secret. To be
sure, if you were inclined to communicate such a nostrum, there are
abundance of people who would purchase it at a very high price.”
Cadwallader understood this insinuation, and was tempted to amuse him
in such a manner as would tend to his disgrace and confusion; but,
considering that the case was of too criminal a nature to be tampered
with, he withstood his desire of punishing this rapacious cormorant any
other way than by telling him he would not impart the secret for his
whole fortune ten times doubled; so that the usurer retired, very much
dissatisfied with the issue of his consultation.
The next person who presented himself at this altar of intelligence,
was an author, who recommended himself to a gratis advice, by observing,
that a prophet and poet were known by the same appellation among the
ancients; and that, at this day, both the one and the other spoke by
inspiration. The conjurer refused to own this affinity, which, he said,
formerly subsisted, because both species of the vates were the children
of fiction; but as he himself did not fall under that predicament, he
begged leave to disown all connection with the family of the poets; and
the poor author would have been dismissed without his errand, though he
offered to leave an ode as security for the magician's fee, to be
paid from the profits of his first third night, had not Cadwallader's
curiosity prompted him to know the subject of this gentleman's inquiry.
He therefore told him, that, in consideration of his genius, he would
for once satisfy him without a fee; and desired him to specify the
doubts in which he wished to be resolved.
The son of Parnassus, glad of this condescension, for which he thanked
the necromancer, gave him to understand, that he had some time before
presented a play in manuscript to a certain great man, at the head of
taste, who had not only read and approved the performance, but also
undertaken to introduce and support it on the stage; that he, the
author, was assured by this patron, that the play was already, in
consequence of his recommendation, accepted by one of the managers, who
had faithfully promised to bring it to light; but that, when he waited
on this said manager, to know when he intended to put his production
in rehearsal, the man declared he had never seen or heard of the piece.
“Now, Mr. Conjurer,” said he, “I want to know whether or not my play has
been presented, and if I have any sort of chance of seeing it acted this
winter.”
Cadwallader, who had, in his younger days, sported among the theatrical
muses, began to lose his temper at this question, which recalled the
remembrance of his own disappointments; and despatched the author
with an abrupt answer, importing that the affairs of the stage were
altogether without the sphere of his divination, being entirely
regulated by the daemons of dissimulation, ignorance, and caprice.
It would be an endless task to recount every individual response
which our magician delivered in the course of his conjuration. He was
consulted in all cases of law, physic, and trade, over and above the
ordinary subjects of marriage and fornication; his advice and assistance
were solicited by sharpers, who desired to possess an infallible method
of cheating unperceived; by fortune-hunters, who wanted to make prize of
widows and heiresses; by debauchees, who were disposed to be with other
men's wives; by coxcombs, who longed for the death of their fathers;
by wenches with child, who wished themselves rid of their burdens; by
merchants, who had insured above value, and thirsted after the news of a
wreck; by underwriters, who prayed for the gift of prescience, that they
might venture money upon such ships only as should perform the voyage
in safety; by Jews, who wanted to foresee the fluctuations of stock; by
usurers, who advance money upon undecided causes; by clients, who
were dubious of the honesty of their counsel. In short, all matters
of uncertain issue were appealed to this tribunal; and, in point of
calculation, De Moivre was utterly neglected.