He makes another Effort to towards the Accomplishment of his Wish, which
is postponed by a strange Accident.
He directed his valet-de-chambre, who was a thorough-paced pimp,
to kindle some straw in the yard, and then pass by the door of her
apartment, crying with a loud voice that the house was on fire.
This alarm brought both ladies out of their chamber in a moment, and
Peregrine, taking the advantage of their running to the street door,
entered the room, concealed himself under a large table that stood in an
unobserved corner. The nymphs, as soon as they understood the cause
of his Mercury's supposed affright, returned to their apartment, and,
having said their prayers, undressed themselves, and went to bed.
This scene, which fell under the observation of Pickle, did not at all
contribute to the cooling of his concupiscence, but on the contrary
inflamed him to such a degree, that he could scarce restrain his
impatience, until, by her breathing deep, he concluded the fellow-lodger
of his Amanda was asleep. This welcome note no sooner saluted his ears,
than he crept to his charmer's bedside, and placing himself on his
knees, gently laid hold on her white hand, and pressed it to his lips.
She had just begun to close her eyes, and enjoy the agreeable oppression
of slumber, when she was roused by this rape, at which she started,
pronouncing, in a tone of surprise and dismay, “My God! who's that?”
The lover, with the most insinuating humility, besought her to hear him;
vowing that his intention, in approaching her thus, was not to violate
the laws of decency, or that indelible esteem which she had engraved on
his heart; but to manifest his sorrow and contrition for the umbrage he
had given, to pour forth the overflowings of his soul, and tell her that
he neither could nor would survive her displeasure. These and many
more pathetic protestations, accompanied with sighs and tears and other
expressions of grief, which our hero had at command, could not fail to
melt the tender heart of the Fleming, already prepossessed in favour of
his qualifications. She sympathized so much with his affliction, as
to weep in her turn, when she represented the impossibility of her
rewarding his passion; and he, seizing the moment, reinforced his
solicitations with such irresistible transports, that her resolution
gave way, she began to breathe quick, expressed her fear of being
overheard by the other lady, with an ejaculation of “O heavens! I'm
undone,” suffered him, after a faint struggle, to make a lodgment upon
the covered way of her bed. Her honour, however, was secured for the
present, by a strange sort of knocking upon the wainscot, at the other
end of the room, hard by the bed in which the female adventurer lay.
Surprised at this circumstance, the lady begged him for heaven's sake
to retreat, or her reputation would be ruined for ever; but when he
represented to her, that her character would run a much greater risk
if he should be detected in withdrawing, she consented, with great
trepidation, to his stay, and they listened in silence to the sequel of
the noise that alarmed them. This was no other than an expedient of the
painter to awaken his dulcinea, with whom he had made an assignation,
or at least interchanged such signals as he thought amounted to a firm
appointment. His nymph, being disturbed in her first sleep, immediately
understood the sound, and, true to the agreement, rose; and, unbolting
the door, as softly as possible, gave him admittance; leaving it open
for his more commodious retreat.
While this happy gallant was employed in disengaging himself from
the deshabille in which he had entered, the Capuchin, suspecting that
Peregrine would make another attempt upon his charge, had crept silently
to the apartment in order to reconnoitre, lest the adventure should be
achieved without his knowledge; a circumstance that would deprive him
of the profits he might expect from his privity and concurrence. Finding
the door unlatched, his suspicion was confirmed, and he made no scruple
of creeping into the chamber on all four; so that the painter, having
stripped himself to the shirt, in groping about for his dulcinea's bed,
chanced to lay his hand upon the shaven crown of the father's head,
which, by a circular motion, the priest began to turn round in his
grasp, like a ball in a socket, to the surprise and consternation of
poor Pallet, who, neither having penetration to comprehend the case,
nor resolution to withdraw his fingers from this strange object of his
touch, stood sweating in the dark, and venting ejaculations with great
devotion.
The friar, tired with this exercise, and the painful posture in which he
stooped, raised himself gradually upon his feet, heaving up at the same
time the hand of the painter, whose terror and amazement increased to
such a degree at this unaccountable elevation, that his faculties began
to fail; and his palm, in the confusion of his fright, sliding over the
priest's forehead, one of his fingers happened to slip into his mouth,
and was immediately secured between the Capuchin's teeth with as firm a
fixture as if it had been screwed in a blacksmith's vice.
The painter was so much disordered by this sudden snap, which tortured
him to the bone, that, forgetting all other considerations, he roared
aloud, “Murder! a fire! a trap, a trap! help, Christians, for the love
of God, help!” Our hero, confounded by these exclamation, which he
knew would soon fill the room with spectators, and incensed at his own
mortifying disappointment, was obliged to quit the untasted banquet,
and, approaching the cause of his misfortune, just as his tormentor
had thought proper to release his finger, discharged such a hearty
slap between his shoulders, as brought him to the ground with hideous
bellowing; then, retiring unperceived to his own chamber, was one of the
first who returned with a light, on pretence of having been alarmed
with his cries. The Capuchin had taken the same precaution, and followed
Peregrine into the room, pronouncing benedicite, and crossing himself
with many marks of astonishment. The physician and Jolter appearing
at the same time, the unfortunate painter was found lying naked on the
floor, in all the agony of horror and dismay, blowing upon his left
hand, that hung dangling from the elbow. The circumstance of his being
found in that apartment, and the attitude of his affliction, which was
extremely ridiculous, provoked the doctor to a smile, and produced a
small relaxation in the severity of the governor's countenance; while
Pickle, testifying his surprise and concern, lifted him from the ground,
and inquired into the cause of his present situation.
Having, after some recollection, and fruitless endeavours to speak,
recovered the use of his tongue, he told them that the house was
certainly haunted by evil spirits, by which he had been conveyed, he
knew not how, into that apartment, and afflicted with all the tortures
of hell: that one of them had made itself sensible to his feeling, in
the shape of a round ball of smooth flesh, which turned round under his
hand, like an astronomer's globe; and then, rising up to a surprising
height, was converted into a machine that laid hold on his finger, by a
snap; and having pinned him to the spot, he continued for some moments
in unspeakable agony. At last, he said, the engine seemed to melt away
from his finger, and he received a sudden thwack upon his shoulders, as
if discharged by the arm of a giant, which overthrew him in an instant
upon the floor.
The priest, hearing this strange account, pulled out of one of his
pouches a piece of consecrated candle, which he lighted immediately, and
muttered certain mysterious conjurations. Jolter, imagining that Pallet
was drunk, shook his head, saying, he believed the spirit was nowhere
but in his own brain. The physician for once condescended to be a wag,
and, looking towards one of the beds, observed, that, in his opinion,
the painter had been misled by the flesh, and not by the spirit. The
fair Fleming lay in silent astonishment and affright; and her fellow
in order to acquit herself of all suspicion, exclaimed with incredible
volubility against the author of this uproar, who, she did not doubt,
had concealed himself in the apartment with a view of perpetuating some
wicked attempt upon her precious virtue, and was punished and prevented
by the immediate interposition of heaven. At her desire, therefore, and
at the earnest solicitation of the other lady, he was conducted to his
own bed; and the chamber being evacuated, they locked their door, fully
resolved to admit no more visitants for that night: while Peregrine,
mad with seeing the delicious morsel snatched, as it were, from his very
lip, stalked through the passage like a ghost, in hope of finding some
opportunity of re-entering; till the day beginning to break, he was
obliged to retire, cursing the idiotical conduct of the painter, which
had so unluckily interfered with his delight.