The Commodore being in some cases restive, his Lady has recourse to
Artifice in the Establishment of her Throne--She exhibits Symptoms of
Pregnancy, to the unspeakable joy of Trunnion, who, nevertheless, is
balked in his expectation.
These innovations were not effected without many loud objections on
his part; and divers curious dialogues passed between him and his
yoke-fellow, who always came off victorious from the dispute; insomuch,
that his countenance gradually fell: he began to suppress, and at length
entirely devoured, his chagrin; the terrors of superior authority were
plainly perceivable in his features; and in less than three months
he became a thorough-paced husband. Not that his obstinacy was
extinguished, though overcome. In some things he was as inflexible and
mulish as ever; but then he durst not kick so openly, and was reduced
to the necessity of being passive in his resentments. Mrs. Trunnion, for
example, proposed that a coach and six should be purchased, as she could
not ride on horseback, and the chaise was a scandalous carriage for a
person of her condition. The commodore, conscious of his own inferior
capacity in point of reasoning, did not think proper to dispute the
proposal but lent a deaf ear to her repeated remonstrances, though
they were enforced with every argument which she thought could soothe,
terrify, shame or decoy him into compliance. In vain did she urge
the excess of affection she had for him as meriting some return of
tenderness and condescension: he was even proof against certain menacing
hints she gave touching the resentment of a slighted woman; and he stood
out against all the considerations of dignity or disgrace like a bulwark
of brass. Neither was he moved to any indecent or unkind expressions of
contradiction, even when she upbraided him with his sordid disposition,
and put him in mind of the fortune and honour he had acquired by his
marriage, but seemed to retire within himself, like a tortoise when
attacked, that shrinks within its shell, and silently endured the
scourge of her reproaches, without seeming sensible of the smart.
This, however, was the only point in which she had been baffled since
her nuptials; and as she could by no means digest the miscarriage, she
tortured her invention for some new plan by which she might augment
her influence and authority. What her genius refused was supplied by
accident; for she had not lived four months in the garrison, when
she was seized with frequent qualms and retchings; in a word, she
congratulated herself on the symptoms of her own fertility; and the
commodore was transported with joy at the prospect of an heir of his own
begetting.
She knew this was the proper season for vindicating her own sovereignty,
and accordingly employed the means which nature had put in her power.
There was not a rare piece of furniture or apparel for which she did not
long; and one day, as she went to church, seeing Lady Stately's equipage
arrive, she suddenly fainted away. Her husband, whose vanity had never
been so perfectly gratified as with this promised harvest of his own
sowing, took the alarm immediately; and in order to prevent relapses of
that kind, which might be attended with fatal consequence to his hope,
gave her leave to bespeak a coach, horses, and liveries, to her own
liking. Thus authorized, she in a very little time exhibited such a
specimen of her own taste and magnificence as afforded speculation to
the whole country, and made Trunnion's heart quake within him; because
he foresaw no limits to her extravagance which also manifested itself in
the most expensive preparations for her lying-in.
Her pride, which had hitherto regarded the representative of her
father's house, seemed now to lose all that hereditary respect, and
prompt her to outshine and undervalue the elder branch of her family.
She behaved to Mrs. Pickle with a sort of civil reserve that implied a
conscious superiority; and an emulation in point of grandeur immediately
commenced between the two sisters. She every day communicated her
importance to the whole parish, under pretence of taking the air in
her coach, and endeavoured to extend her acquaintance among people of
fashion. Nor was this an undertaking attended with great difficulty, for
all persons whatever capable of maintaining a certain appearance, will
always find admission into what is called the best company, and be
rated in point of character according to their own valuation, without
subjecting their pretensions to the smallest doubt or examination. In
all her visits and parties she seized every opportunity of declaring her
present condition, observing that she was forbid by her physicians to
taste such a pickle, and that such a dish was poison to a woman in her
way; nay, where she was on a footing of familiarity, she affected to
make wry faces, and complained that the young rogue began to be very
unruly, writhing herself into divers contortions, as if she had been
grievously incommoded by the mettle of this future Trunnion. The husband
himself did not behave with all the moderation that might have been
expected. At the club he frequently mentioned this circumstance of his
own vigour as a pretty successful feat to be performed by an old fellow
of fifty-five, and confirmed the opinion of his strength by redoubled
squeezes of the landlord's hand, which never failed of extorting a
satisfactory certificate of his might. When his companions drank to the
Hans en kelder, or Jack in the low cellar, he could not help displaying
an extraordinary complacence of countenance, and signified his intention
of sending the young dog to sea as soon as he should be able to carry a
cartridge, in hopes of seeing him an officer before his own death.
This hope helped to console him under the extraordinary expense to
which he was exposed by the profusion of his wife, especially when he
considered that his compliance with her prodigality would be limited to
the expiration of the nine months, of which the best part was by this
time elapsed: yet, in spite of all this philosophical resignation, her
fancy sometimes soared to such a ridiculous and intolerable pitch of
insolence and absurdity, that his temper forsook him, and he could
not help wishing in secret that her pride might be confounded in the
dissipation of her most flattering hopes, even though he himself should
be a principal sufferer by the disappointment. These, however, were no
other than the suggestions of temporary disgusts, that commonly subsided
as suddenly as they arose, and never gave the least disturbance to the
person who inspired them, because he took care to conceal them carefully
from her knowledge.
Meanwhile she happily advanced in her reckoning, with the promise of a
favourable issue: the term of her computation expired, and in the middle
of the night she was visited by certain warnings that seemed to bespeak
the approach of the critical moment. The commodore got up with great
alacrity, and called the midwife, who had been several days in the
house; the gossips were immediately summoned, and the most interesting
expectations prevailed; but the symptoms of labour gradually vanished,
and as the matrons sagely observed, this was no more than a false alarm.
Two nights after they received a second intimation, and as she was
sensibly diminished in the waist, everything was supposed to be in a
fair way; yet this visitation was not more conclusive than the former;
her pains wore off in spite of all her endeavours to encourage them,
and the good women betook themselves to their respective homes, in
expectation of finding the third attack decisive, alluding to the
well-known maxim, that “number three is always fortunate.” For once,
however, this apophthegm failed; the next call was altogether as
ineffectual as the former; and moreover, attended with a phenomenon
which to them was equally strange and inexplicable: this was no other
than such a reduction in the size of Mrs. Trunnion as might have been
expected after the birth of a full-grown child. Startled at such an
unaccountable event, they sat in close divan; and concluding that
the case was in all respects unnatural and prodigious, desired that a
messenger might be immediately despatched for some male practitioner in
the art of midwifery.
The commodore, without guessing the cause of her perplexity, ordered
Pipes immediately on this piece of duty, and in less than two hours
they were assisted by the advice of a surgeon of the neighbourhood,
who boldly affirmed that the patient had never been with child. This
asseveration was like a clap of thunder to Mr. Trunnion, who had been,
during eight whole days and nights, in continual expectation of being
hailed with the appellation of father.
After some recollection, he swore the surgeon was an ignorant fellow,
and that he would not take his word for what he advanced, being
comforted and confirmed in his want of faith by the insinuations of
the midwife, who still persisted to feed Mrs. Trunnion with hopes of a
speedy and safe delivery; observing that she had been concerned in many
a case of the same nature, where a fine child was found, even after all
signs of the mother's pregnancy had disappeared. Every twig of hope, how
slender soever it may be, is eagerly caught hold on by people who find
themselves in danger of being disappointed. To every question proposed
by her to the lady, with the preambles of “Han't you?” or “Don't you?”
answer was made in the affirmative, whether agreeable to truth or not,
because the respondent could not find in her heart to disown any symptom
that might favour the notion she had so long indulged.
This experienced proficient in the obstetric art was therefore kept in
close attendance for the space of three weeks, during which the patient
had several returns of what she pleased herself with believing to be
labour pains, till at length, she and her husband became the standing
joke of the parish; and this infatuated couple could scarce be prevailed
upon to part with their hope, even when she appeared as lank as a
greyhound, and they were furnished with other unquestionable proofs of
their having been deceived. But they could not for ever remain under
the influence of this sweet delusion, which at last faded away, and was
succeeded by a paroxysm of shame and confusion, that kept the husband
within-doors for the space of a whole fortnight, and confined his lady
to her bed for a series of weeks, during which she suffered all the
anguish of the most intense mortification; yet even this was subdued by
the lenient hand of time.
The first respite from her chagrin was employed in the strict discharge
of what are called the duties of religion, which she performed with
the most rancorous severity, setting on foot a persecution in her own
family, that made the house too hot for all the menial servants, even
ruffled the almost invincible indifference of Tom Pipes, harassed the
commodore himself out of all patience, and spared no individual but
Lieutenant Hatchway, whom she never ventured to disoblige.