Divers Stratagems are invented and put in practice, in order to overcome
the obstinacy of Trunnion, who, at length, is teased and tortured into
the Noose of Wedlock.
This abrupt departure and unkind declaration affected Mrs. Grizzle so
much, that she fell sick of sorrow and mortification; and after having
confined herself to her bed for three days, sent for her brother, told
him she perceived her end drawing near, and desired that a lawyer might
be brought, in order to write her last will. Mr. Pickle, surprised at
her demand, began to act the part of a comforter, assuring her that her
distemper was not at all dangerous, and that he would instantly send
for a physician, who would convince her that she was in no manner
of jeopardy; so that there was no occasion at present to employ any
officious attorney in such a melancholy task. Indeed, this affectionate
brother was of opinion that a will was altogether superfluous at any
rate, as he himself was heir-in-law to his sister's whole real and
personal estate. But she insisted on his compliance with such determined
obstinacy, that he could no longer resist her importunities; and, a
arriving, she dictated and executed her will, in which she bequeathed
to Commodore Trunnion one thousand pounds, to purchase a mourning
ring, which she hoped he would wear as a pledge of her friendship and
affection. Her brother, though he did not much relish this testimony
of her love, nevertheless that same evening gave an account of this
particular to Mr. Hatchway, who was also, as Mr. Pickle assured him,
generously remembered by the testatrix.
The lieutenant, fraught with this piece of intelligence, watched for
an opportunity; and as soon as he perceived the commodore's features
a little unbended from that ferocious contraction they had retained so
long, ventured to inform him that Pickle's sister lay at the point of
death, and that she had left him a thousand pounds in her will. This
piece of news overwhelmed him with confusion; and Mr. Hatchway, imputing
his silence to remorse, resolved to take advantage of that favourable
moment, and counselled him to go and visit the poor young woman, who
was dying for love of him. But his admonition happened to be somewhat
unseasonable. Trunnion no sooner heard him mention the cause of her
disorder, than his morosity recurring, he burst out into a violent fit
of cursing, and forthwith betook himself again to his hammock, where he
lay, uttering, in a low growling tone of voice, a repetition of oaths
and imprecations, for the space of four-and-twenty hours, without
ceasing. This was a delicious meal to the lieutenant, who, eager to
enhance the pleasure of the entertainment, and at the same the conduce
to the success of the cause he had espoused, invented a stratagem, the
execution of which had all the effect he could desire. He prevailed on
Pipes, who was devoted to his service, to get on the top of the chimney,
belonging to the commodore's chamber, at midnight, and lower down by
a rope a bunch of stinking whitings, which being performed, he put a
speaking-trumpet to his mouth, and hallooed down the vent, in a voice
like thunder, “Trunnion! Trunnion! turn out and be spliced, or lie still
and be d--.”
This dreadful note, the terror of which was increased by the silence and
darkness of the night, as well as the cello of the passage through which
it was conveyed, no sooner reached the ears of the astonished commodore,
than turning his eyes towards the place from whence this solemn address
seemed to proceed, he beheld a glittering object that vanished in an
instant. Just as his superstitious fear had improved the apparition into
some supernatural messenger clothed in shining array, his opinion was
confirmed by a sudden explosion, which he took for thunder, though it
was no other than the noise of a pistol fired down the chimney by the
boatswain's mate, according to the instructions he had received; and he
had time enough to descend before he was in any danger of being detected
by his commodore, who could not for an hour recollect himself from the
amazement and consternation which had overpowered his faculties.
At length, however, he got up, and rang his bell with great agitation.
He repeated the summons more than once; but no regard being paid to this
alarm, his dread returned with double terror, a cold sweat bedewed his
limbs, his knees knocked together, his hair bristled up, and the remains
of his teeth were shattered in pieces in the convulsive vibrations of
his jaws.
In the midst of this agony he made one desperate effort, and, bursting
open the door of apartment, bolted into Hatchway's chamber, which
happened to be on the same floor. There he found the lieutenant in
a counterfeit swoon, who pretended to wake from his trance in an
ejaculation of “Lord have mercy upon us!” and being questioned by the
terrified commodore with regard to what had happened, assured him he had
heard the same voice and clap of thunder by which Trunnion himself had
been discomposed.
Pipes, whose turn it was to watch, concurred in giving evidence to the
same purpose; and the commodore not only owned that he had heard the
voice, but likewise communicated his vision, with all the aggravation
which his disturbed fancy suggested.
A consultation immediately ensued, in which Mr. Hatchway gravely
observed that the finger of Heaven was plainly perceivable in those
signals, and that it would be both sinful and foolish to disregard its
commands, especially as the match proposed was, in all respects, more
advantageous than any that one of his years could reasonably expect;
declaring that for his own part he would not endanger his soul and body
by living one day longer under the same roof with a man who despised the
will of Heaven; and Tom Pipes adhered to the same pious resolution.
Trunnion's perseverance could not resist the number and diversity
of considerations that assaulted it; he revolved in silence all the
opposite motives that occurred to his reflection; and after having been,
to all appearance, bewildered in the labyrinth of his own thoughts, he
wiped the sweat from his forehead, and, heaving a piteous groan, yielded
to their remonstrances in these words: “Well, since it must be so, I
think we must ev'n grapple. But d-- my eyes! 'tis a d--d hard case
that a fellow of my years should be compelled, d'ye see, to beat up
to windward all the rest of my life against the current of my own
inclination.”
This important article being discussed, Mr. Hatchway set out in the
morning to visit the despairing shepherdess, and was handsomely rewarded
for the enlivening tidings with which he blessed her ears. Sick as
she was, she could not help laughing heartily at the contrivance, in
consequence of which her swain's assent had been obtained, and gave the
lieutenant ten guineas for Tom Pipes, in consideration of the part he
acted in the farce.
In the afternoon the commodore suffered himself to be conveyed to her
apartment, like a felon to execution, and was received by her in
a languishing manner, and genteel dishabille, accompanied by her
sister-in-law, who was, for very obvious reasons, extremely solicitous
about her success. Though the lieutenant had tutored him touching his
behaviour it this interview, he made a thousand wry faces before he
could pronounce the simple salutation of “How d'ye?” to his mistress;
and after his counsellor had urged him with twenty or thirty whispers,
to each of which he had replied aloud, “D-- your eyes, I won't,” he got
up, and halting towards the couch on which Mrs. Grizzle reclined in a
state of strange expectation, he seized her hand and pressed it to his
lips; but this piece of gallantry he performed in such a reluctant,
uncouth, indignant manner, that the nymph had need of all her resolution
to endure the compliment without shrinking; and he himself was so
disconcerted at what he had done, that he instantly retired to the
other end of the room, where he sat silent, and broiled with shame and
vexation.
Mrs. Pickle, like a sensible matron, quitted the place, on pretence of
going to the nursery; and Mr. Hatchway, taking the hint, recollected
that he had left his tobacco-pouch in the parlour, whither he descended,
leaving the two lovers to their mutual endearments. Never had the
commodore found himself in such a disagreeable dilemma before. He sat in
an agony of suspense, as if he every moment dreaded the dissolution of
nature; and the imploring sighs of his future bride added, if possible,
to the pangs of his distress. Impatient of this situation, he rolled
his eye around in quest of some relief, and, unable to contain himself,
exclaimed, “D--n seize the fellow and his pouch too! I believe he has
sheered off, and left me here in the stays.”
Mrs. Grizzle, who could not help taking some notice of this
manifestation of chagrin, lamented her unhappy fate in being so
disagreeable to him, that he could not put up with her company for a few
moments without repining; and began in very tender terms to reproach him
with his inhumanity and indifference. To this expostulation he replied,
“Zounds! what would the woman have? Let the parson do his office when he
wool: here I am ready to be reeved in the matrimonial block, d'ye see,
and d-- all nonsensical palaver.” So saying, he retreated, leaving his
mistress not at all disobliged at his plain dealing. That same evening
the treaty of marriage was brought upon the carpet, and, by means of Mr.
Pickle and the lieutenant, settled to the satisfaction of all parties,
without the intervention of lawyers, whom Mr. Trunnion expressly
excluded from all share in the business; making that condition the
indispensable preliminary of the whole agreement. Things being brought
to this bearing, Mrs. Grizzle's heart dilated with joy; her health,
which, by the bye, was never dangerously impaired, she recovered as if
by enchantment; and, a day being fixed for the nuptials, employed the
short period of her celibacy in choosing ornaments for the celebration
of her entrance into the married state.