Mrs. Grizzle is indefatigable in gratifying her Sister's
Longings--Peregrine is born, and managed contrary to the Directions
and Remonstrances of his Aunt, who is disgusted upon that account, and
resumes the Plan which she had before rejected.
The success of this device would have encouraged Mrs. Pickle to practise
more of the same sort upon her sister-in-law, had she not been deterred
by a violent fever which seized her zealous ally, in consequence of the
fatigue and uneasiness she had undergone; which, while it lasted, as
effectually conduced to her repose, as any other stratagem she could
invent. But Mrs. Grizzle's health was no sooner restored, than the
other, being as much incommoded as ever, was obliged, in her own
defence, to have recourse to some other contrivance; and managed her
artifices in such a manner, as leaves it at this day a doubt whether she
was really so whimsical and capriccios in her appetites as she herself
pretended to be; for her longings were not restricted to the demands of
the palate and stomach, but also affected all the other organs of sense,
and even invaded her imagination, which at this period seemed to be
strangely diseased.
One time she longed to pinch her husband's ear; and it was with infinite
difficulty that his sister could prevail upon him to undergo the
operation. Yet this task was easy, in comparison with another she
undertook for the gratification of Mrs. Pickle's unaccountable desire;
which was no other than to persuade the commodore to submit his chin
to the mercy of the big-bellied lady, who ardently wished for an
opportunity of plucking three black hairs from his beard. When this
proposal was first communicated to Mr. Trunnion by the husband, his
answer was nothing but a dreadful effusion of oaths, accompanied with
such a stare, and delivered in such a tone of voice, as terrified the
poor beseecher into immediate silence; so that Mrs. Grizzle was fain
to take the whole enterprise upon herself, and next day went to the
garrison accordingly, where, having obtained entrance by means of the
lieutenant, who, while his commander was asleep, ordered her to be
admitted for the joke's sake, she waited patiently till he turned out,
and then accosted him in the yard, where he used to perform his morning
walk. He was thunderstruck at the appearance of a woman in a place he
had hitherto kept sacred from the whole sex, and immediately began to
utter an apostrophe to Tom Pipes, whose turn it was then to watch; when
Mrs. Grizzle, falling on her knees before him, conjured him, with many
pathetic supplications, to hear and grant her request, which was no
sooner signified, than he bellowed in such an outrageous manner that the
whole court re-echoed the opprobrious term b--, and the word damnation,
which he repeated with surprising volubility, without any sort of
propriety or connection; and retreated into his penetralia, leaving the
baffled devotee in the humble posture she had so unsuccessfully chosen
to melt his obdurate heart.
Mortifying as this repulse must have been to a lady of her stately
disposition, she did not relinquish her aim, but endeavoured to interest
the commodore's counsellors and adherents in her cause. With this view
she solicited the interest of Mr. Hatchway, who, being highly pleased
with a circumstance so productive of mirth and diversion, readily
entered into her measures, and promised to employ his whole influence
for her satisfaction; and as for the boatswain's mate, he was rendered
propitious by the present of a guinea, which she slipped into his hand.
In short, Mrs. Grizzle was continually engaged in this negotiation for
the space of ten days, during which, the commodore was so incessantly
pestered with her remonstrances, and the admonitions of his associates,
that he swore his people had a design upon his life, which becoming a
burden to him, he at last complied, and was conducted to the scene like
a victim to the altar, or rather like a reluctant bear, when he is led
to the stake amidst the shouts and cries of butchers and their dogs.
After all, this victory was not quite so decisive as the conquerors
imagined; for the patient being set, and the performer prepared with
a pair of pincers, a small difficulty occurred: she could not for some
time discern one black hair on the whole superficies of Mr. Trunnion's
face, when Mrs. Grizzle, very much alarmed and disconcerted, had
recourse to a magnifying-glass that stood upon her toilet; and, after a
most accurate examination, discovered a fibre of a dusky hue, to which
the instrument being applied, Mrs. Pickle pulled it up by the roots, to
the no small discomposure of the owner, who, feeling the smart much more
severe than he had expected, started up, and swore he would not part
with another hair to save them all from damnation.
Mr. Hatchway exhorted him to patience and resignation; Mrs. Grizzle
repeated her entreaties with great humility; but finding him deaf to all
her prayers, and absolutely bent upon leaving the house, she clasped his
knees, and begged for the love of God that he would have compassion upon
a distressed family, and endure a little more for the sake of the poor
infant, who would otherwise be born with a gray beard upon its chin.
Far from being melted, he was rather exasperated by this reflection; to
which he replied with great indignation, “D-- you for a yaw-sighted b--!
I'll be hanged, long enough before he has any beard at all:” so saying,
he disengaged himself from her embraces, flung out at the door, and
halted homewards with such surprising speed, that the lieutenant could
not overtake him until he had arrived at his own gate; and Mrs.
Grizzle was so much affected with his escape, that her sister, in pure
compassion, desired she would not afflict herself, protesting that her
own wish was already gratified, for she had plucked three hairs at once,
having from the beginning been dubious of the commodore's patience.
But the labours of this assiduous kinswoman did not end with the
achievement of this adventure: her eloquence or industry was employed
without ceasing in the performance of other tasks imposed by the
ingenious craft of her sister-in-law, who at another time conceived an
insuppressible affection for a fricassee of frogs, which should be the
genuine natives of France; so that there was a necessity for despatching
a messenger on purpose to that kingdom; but as she could not depend
upon the integrity of any common servant, Mrs. Grizzle undertook that
province, and actually set sail in a cutter for Boulogne, from whence
she returned in eight-and-forty hours with a tub full of those live
animals, which being dressed according to art, her sister did not
taste them, on pretence that her fit of longing was past: but then her
inclinations took a different turn, and fixed themselves upon a curious
implement belonging to a lady of quality in the neighbourhood, which
was reported to be a great curiosity: this was no other than a porcelain
chamber-pot of admirable workmanship, contrived by the honourable owner,
who kept it for her own private use, and cherished it as a utensil of
inestimable value.
Mrs. Grizzle shuddered at the first hint, she received of her sister's
desire to possess this piece of furniture; because she knew it was not
to be purchased; and the lady's character, which was none of the most
amiable in point of humanity and condescension, forbad all hopes of
borrowing it for a season: she therefore attempted to reason down this
capricious appetite, as an extravagance of imagination which ought to be
combated and repressed; and Mrs. Pickle, to all appearance was convinced
and satisfied by her arguments and advice; but, nevertheless, could make
use of no other convenience, and was threatened with a very dangerous
suppression. Roused at the peril in which she supposed her to be,
Mrs. Grizzle flew to the lady's house, and, having obtained a private
audience, disclosed the melancholy situation of her sister, and implored
the benevolence of her ladyship, who, contrary to expectation, received
her very graciously, and consented to indulge Mrs. Pickle's longing. Mr.
Pickle began to be out of humour at the expense to which he was exposed
by the caprice of his wife, who was herself alarmed at this last
accident, and for the future kept her fancy within bounds; insomuch,
that without being subject to any more extraordinary trouble, Mrs.
Grizzle reaped the long-wished fruits of her dearest expectation in the
birth of a fine boy, whom her sister in a few months brought into the
world.
I shall omit the description of the rejoicings, which were infinite on
this important occasion, and only observe that Mrs. Pickle's mother and
aunt stood godmothers, and the commodore assisted at the ceremony as
godfather to the child, who was christened by the name of Peregrine, in
compliment to the memory of a deceased uncle. While the mother confined
to her bed, and incapable of maintaining her own authority, Mrs. Grizzle
took charge of the infant baby by a double claim, and superintended, with
surprising vigilance, the nurse and midwife in all the particulars of
their respective offices, which were performed by her express direction.
But no sooner was Mrs. Pickle in a condition to reassume the management
of her own affairs, when she thought proper to alter certain regulations
concerning the child, which had obtained in consequence of her sister's
orders, directing, among other innovations, that the bandages with which
the infant had been so neatly rolled up, like an Egyptian mummy, should
be loosened and laid aside, in order to rid nature of all restraint,
and give the blood free scope to circulate; and, with her own hands she
plunged him headlong every morning into a tub full of cold water. This
operation seemed so barbarous to the tender-hearted Mrs. Grizzle, that
she not only opposed it with all her eloquence, shedding abundance of
tears over the sacrifice when it was made; and took horse immediately,
and departed for the habitation of an eminent country physician, whom
she consulted in these words: “Pray, doctor, is it not both dangerous
and cruel to be the means of letting a poor tender infant perish
by sousing it in water as cold as ice?”--“Yes,” replied the doctor,
“downright murder, I affirm.”--“I see you are a person of great learning
and sagacity,” said the other; “and I must beg you will be so good as
to signify your opinion in your own handwriting.” The doctor immediately
complied with her request, and expressed himself upon a slip of paper to
this purpose:--
“These are to certify whom it may concern, that I firmly
believe, and it is my unalterable opinion, that who soever
letteth an infant perish, by sousing it in cold water, even
though the said water should not be so cold as ice, is in
effect guilty of the murder of the said infant, as witness
my hand,
“Comfit Colocynth.”
Having obtained this certificate, for which the physician was handsomely
acknowledged, she returned, exalting, and hoping, with such authority,
to overthrow all opposition. Accordingly, next morning, when her nephew
was about to undergo his diurnal baptism, she produced the commission,
whereby she conceived herself empowered to overrule such inhuman
proceedings, but she was disappointed in her expectation, confident as
it was; not that Mrs. Pickle pretended to differ in opinion from Dr.
Colocynth, “for whose character and sentiments,” said she, “I have such
veneration, that I shall carefully observe the caution implied in this
very certificate, by which, far from condemning my method of practice,
he only asserts that killing is murder; an asseveration, the truth of
which, it is to be hoped, I shall never dispute.”
Mrs. Grizzle, who, sooth to say, had rather too superficially considered
the clause by which she thought herself authorized, perused the paper
with more accuracy, and was confounded at her own want of penetration.
Yet, though she was confuted, she was by no means convinced that her
objections to the cold bath were unreasonable; on the contrary, after
having bestowed sundry opprobrious epithets on the physician, for his
want of knowledge and candour, she protested in the most earnest and
solemn manner the pernicious practice of dipping the child--a piece
of cruelty which, with God's assistance, she should never suffer to
be inflicted on her own issue; and washing her hands of the melancholy
consequence that would certainly ensue, shut herself up in her closet
to indulge her sorrow and vexation. She was deceived, however, in her
prognostic. The boy, instead of declining in point of health, seemed to
acquire fresh vigour from every plunge, as if he had been resolved to
discredit the wisdom and foresight of his aunt, who in all probability
could never forgive him for this want of reverence and respect. This
conjecture is founded upon her behaviour to him in the sequel of his
infancy, during which she was known to torture him more than once, when
she had opportunities of thrusting pins into his flesh, without any
danger of being detected. In short, her affections were in a little time
altogether alienated from this hope of her family, whom she abandoned to
the conduct of his mother, whose province it undoubtedly was to manage
the nurture of her own child; while she herself resumed her operations
upon the commodore, whom she was resoled at any rate to captivate and
enslave. And it must be owned that Mrs. Grizzle's knowledge of the human
heart never shone so conspicuous as in the methods she pursued for the
accomplishment of this important aim.
Through the rough unpolished hulk that cased the soul of Trunnion, she
could easily distinguish a large share of that vanity and self-conceit
that generally predominate even in the most savage beast; and to this
she constantly appealed. In his presence she always exclaimed against
the craft and dishonest dissimulation of the world, and never failed of
uttering particular invectives against those arts of chicanery in
which the lawyers are so conversant, to the prejudice and ruin of their
fellow-creatures; observing that in a seafaring life, as far as she
had opportunities of judging or being informed, there was nothing but
friendship, sincerity, and a hearty contempt for everything that was
mean or selfish.
This kind of conversation, with the assistance of certain particular
civilities, insensibly made an impression on the mind of the commodore,
and the more effectual as his former prepossessions were built upon very
slender foundations. His antipathy to old maids, which he had conceived
upon hearsay, began gradually to diminish when he found they were not
quite such infernal animals as they had been presented; and it was not
long before he was heard to observe, at the club, that Pickle's sister
had not so much of the core of b-- in her as he had imagined. This
negative compliment, by the medium of her brother, soon reached the
ears of Mrs. Grizzle, who, thus encouraged, redoubled in her arts and
attention; so that, in less than three months after, he in the same
place distinguished her with the epithet of a d--d sensible jade.
Hatchway, taking the alarm at this declaration, which he feared
foreboded something fatal to his interest, told his commander, with a
sneer, that she had sense enough to bring him to under her stern; and he
did not doubt but that such an old crazy vessel would be the better for
being taken in tow. “But howsomever,” added this arch adviser, “I'd have
you take care of your upper-works; for if once you are made fast to her
poop, egad! She'll spank it away, and make every beam in your body crack
with straining.”
Our she-projector's whole plan had like to have been ruined by the
effect which this malicious hint had upon Trunnion, whose rage and
suspicion being wakened at once, his colour changed from tawny to a
cadaverous pale, and then shifting to a deep and dusky red, such as we
sometimes observe in the sky when it is replete with thunder, he, after
his usual preamble of unmeaning oaths, answered in these words:--“D--
you, you jury-legg'd dog, you would give all the stowage in your hold to
be as sound as I am; and as for being taken in tow, d'ye see, I'm not
so disabled that I can lie my course, and perform my voyage without
assistance; and, egad! no man shall ever see Hawser Trunnion lagging
astern, in the wake of e'er a b-- in Christendom.”
Mrs. Grizzle, who every morning interrogated her brother with regard to
the subject of his night's conversation with his friends, soon received
the unwelcome news of the commodore's aversion to matrimony; and justly
imputing the greatest part of his disgust to the satirical insinuations
of Mr. Hatchway, resolved to level this obstruction to her success, and
actually found means to interest him in her scheme. She had indeed, on
some occasions, a particular knack at making converts, being probably
not unacquainted with that grand system of persuasion which is adopted
by the greatest personages of the age, and fraught with maxims much
more effectual than all the eloquence of Tully or Demosthenes, even
when supported by the demonstrations of truth; besides, Mr. Hatchway's
fidelity to his new ally was confirmed by his foreseeing, in his
captain's marriage, an infinite fund of gratification for his own
cynical disposition. Thus, therefore, converted and properly cautioned,
he for the future suppressed all the virulence of his wit against the
matrimonial state; and as he knew not how to open his mouth in the
positive praise of any person whatever, took all opportunities of
excepting Mrs. Grizzle, by name, from the censures he liberally bestowed
upon the rest of her sex. “She is not a drunkard, like Nan Castick,
of Deptford,” he would say; “not a nincompoop, like Peg Simper, of
Woolwich; not a brimstone, like Kate Koddle, of Chatham; nor a shrew,
like Nell Griffin, on the Point, Portsmouth” (ladies to whom, at
different times, they had both paid their addresses); “but a tight,
good-humoured, sensible wench, who knows very well how to box her
compass; well-trimmed aloft, and well-sheathed alow, with a good cargo
under her hatches.” The commodore at first imagined this commendation
was ironical; but, hearing it repeated again and again, was filled with
astonishment at this surprising change in the lieutenant's behaviour;
and, after a long fit of musing, concluded that Hatchway himself
harboured a matrimonial design on the person of Mrs. Grizzle.
Pleased with this conjecture, he rallied jack in his turn, and one night
toasted her health as a compliment to his passion--a circumstance which
the lady learned next day by the usual canal of her intelligence;
and interpreting as the result of his own tenderness for her, she
congratulated herself on the victory she had obtained; and thinking
it unnecessary to continue the reserve she had hitherto industriously
affected, resolved from that day to sweeten her behaviour towards him
with such a dash of affection as could not fail to persuade him that
he had inspired her with a reciprocal flame. In consequence of this
determination, he was invited to dinner, and while he stayed treated
with such cloying proofs of her regard, that not only the rest of the
company, but even Trunnion perceived her drift; and taking the alarm
accordingly, could not help exclaiming, “Oho! I see how the land lies,
and if I don't weather the point, I'll be d--d.” Having thus expressed
himself to his afflicted inamorata, he made the best of his way to the
garrison, in which he shut himself up for the space of ten days, and had
no communication with his friends and domestics but by looks, which were
most significantly picturesque.