COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE.
Although marriage does not follow immediately after the shaving of the
top-knot, yet after the important event has taken place, both boys
and girls are legally entitled to marry. In the case of the girls,
marriage takes place about fourteen, but the men defer their entrance
into the matrimonial condition until they are about twenty. Every girl
gets married sooner or later, so that old maids do not exist.
There are about as many ways of attaining the state of matrimony in
Siam as there are in England. Two people may fall in love with each
other with the consent of their parents; they may elope without the
consent of their parents; or a wife may be bought out and out without
any real affection existing on either side. In the methods adopted to
secure this most desirable consummation of human happiness, there are
several dissimilarities of procedure between the East and the West.
If a Siamese wishes to go through the ceremony of a strictly regular
marriage, he must be prepared to observe a great deal of formality and
to experience a great deal of trouble. Should he attempt to pay his
addresses to the object of his affections in any but the recognised
way, he will, if discovered, be suspected of improper motives, and
will be liable to suffer personal chastisement at the hands of the
young lady's male relatives.
A young Siamese who is anxious to join the ranks of the Benedicts,
first chooses amongst the maidens of his acquaintance the particular
one to whom he wishes to be allied. If he allowed himself to be guided
in this matter by the counsels given in one of the native books,
he would consider the reputed character of the lady he desires for
his wife, and try to discover to which of seven distinct classes of
wives his beloved belonged. There is nothing very remarkable in the
remarks of the philosopher who has thus catalogued the several classes
of women who are mated with men, but as his classification throws
considerable light upon the power, position, and character of Siamese
women, it is here given in full.
1.--Some wives are to their husbands as a younger sister. They look
to their husbands for approving smiles as the reward of their kind
and affectionate forethought. They confide in him and feel tenderly
towards him. And when they have once discovered the wish, the taste,
and the ideas of him whose approval they respect, they devote
themselves thoughtfully and assiduously to the realisation of his
desires. Their own impulsive passions and temper are kept under strict
control lest some hasty word should mar the harmony of their union.
2.--Some wives are to their husbands as an elder sister. They watch
sedulously their husband's outgoings and incomings so as to prevent
all occasion for scandal. They are careful as to the condition of
his wardrobe and keep it always in order for every occasion. They
are diligent in preserving from the public gaze anything that might
impair the dignity of their family. When their lord and master is
found wanting in any particular they neither fret nor scold, but wait
patiently for the time when they can best effect a reformation in his
morals and lead him towards the goal of upright manly conduct.
3.--Some wives are to their husbands like a mother. They are ever
seeking for some good thing that may bring gladness to the heart of
the man for whom they live. They desire him to be excellent in every
particular, and will themselves make any sacrifice to secure their
object. When sorrow or trouble overtakes them, they hide it away from
the eyes of him they love. All their thoughts centre round him, and
they so order their conversation and actions that in themselves he may
find a worthy model for imitation. Should he fall sick, they tend him
with unfailing care and patience.
4.--Some wives are to their husbands as a common friend. They desire
to stand on an exactly equal footing with him. If ill-nature is a
feature in the character of their husbands, they cultivate the same
fault in themselves. They will quarrel with him on the slightest
provocation. They meet all his suggestions with an excess of carping
criticism. They are always on the look-out for any infringement of
what they deem their rights, and should the husband desire them to
perform any little service for him, he must approach the subject with
becoming deference or their refusal is instant and absolute.
5.--Some wives wish to rule their husbands. Their language and manners
are of a domineering nature. They treat the man as if he were a slave,
scolding, commanding, and forbidding with unbecoming asperity. The
husbands of such women are a miserable cringing set of men.
6.--Some wives are of the robber kind. Their only idea in getting
married is the possession of a slave and the command of a purse. If
there is money in the purse they are never satisfied until they have
it in their own grasp. Such wives generally take to gambling and
staking money in the lottery, or purchasing useless articles. They
have no care as to where the money comes from or by whose labours
it is earned, so long as they can gratify their own extravagant and
ruinous fancies.
7.--Some wives are of the murderess kind and possess revengeful
tempers. Being malicious and fault-finding, they never appreciate
their own homes and families, and are always seeking for sympathisers
from outside. They share their secrets with other men, using their
pretended domestic discomfort as a cloak for their own vice and an
excuse for their greatest misdeeds.
No young man ever imagines that his beloved will fall into any of
the undesirable classes, but, deeming her worthy in every respect,
he seeks her hand. What the young lady may think concerning his
intentions towards herself counts for little or nothing, as the
would-be bridegroom never consults her; though if he were desirous
that she should return his affections he could attain his desire by
purchasing from a fortune-teller or quack, a love-potion, which when
taken by the maiden would arouse in her the most passionate longing to
become his wife. He does not dare to outrage his national etiquette by
asking for her hand direct from her parents, but, with all avoidance
of secrecy concerning the state of his affections, he communicates
the matter to his friends and to the elders of his own household.
They select a rather elderly woman, who must be acquainted with and
respected by the girl's parents. She pays a visit to their home, and
while engaged in sipping her tea, gently insinuates the purpose of
her call. She does this with an art only perfected by long practice,
gained in many similar missions. The mother rolls up her reply in a
great many vague expressions, the general tone of which can, however,
be easily judged by the ambassadress to be favourable or otherwise.
Nothing very decisive is uttered on either side, but the old lady on
her return presents a report upon which after developments arise. If
the indications are considered favourable, the parents of the young
man choose from amongst their friends a few elderly persons of both
sexes, who are respectable and who are also intimate friends of both
families. They issue invitations to the selected friends to pay them a
visit on a given day. Then in a protracted conversation they discuss
the match, and decide amongst themselves as to whether it is desirable
to enter into definite negotiations with the other parties or not.
Having pronounced for the match, they choose a lucky day, and then
the committee of counsellors repairs to the home of the young lady's
parents.
These at once understand the object of the visit, and receive the
visitors with great politeness, setting before them trays of tea,
betel-nut and tobacco. When a sufficient amount of drinking and
chewing has been accomplished, the elderly people open up the subject
of their mission. They speak with due respect to the parents, and
never fail to use exactly the right pronoun that describes their
relative positions. The slightest hitch in the extremely delicate
negotiations would be fatal to success. The conversation that ensues
is of a formal and deliberate character. Says one of the visitors,
"The parents of ---- having ascertained that this is a propitious day,
have commissioned us to come and confer with you concerning their son
who at present has no wife. His parents have asked him if he had any
one in his mind that he would like to take for his wife, and to whom
he could trust his life in sickness and his obsequies after death. The
young man replied that the only person he had in his mind was your
daughter of the name of ----. Therefore at the request of the parents
of this young man, we are here to visit you, the highly respected
parents of this young lady, that we may confer with you in reference
to this matter. What do the parents say?"
Then the parents reply after this wise. "Our daughter stands high in
our affections, and the young man is also much beloved by his parents.
We have an ancient proverb which says, 'Move slowly, and you will gain
your object; a prolonged effort is usually attended with favourable
results.' We will consult our relatives on the right hand and on the
left hand and take their counsel and opinion upon the matter. Please
call again."
It often happens that some youthful beauty is sought in marriage by
more than one of her love-sick acquaintances, and a choice has to be
made. But Phyllis is voiceless in this most important matter which so
deeply concerns her future welfare. Her parents, with due regard to
the interests of all concerned, settle the point for her after long
and careful consideration.
The "go-betweens" wait for what they consider a reasonable time, and
then on a lucky day they once more visit the lady. The parents of
the maiden have by this time made up their minds, and if they are
favourably inclined to the match, they say to their visitors, "We have
consulted our relatives, and they are unanimously of the opinion that
if the young man sincerely loves our daughter, and if he can place
implicit confidence in her as a proper person to tend him in sickness,
and direct his funeral ceremonies after death, then we will no longer
place any barrier to the attainment of his wishes. But how is it with
regard to the ages and the birthdays of the parties? Are they such as
are suitable to each other?"
It takes a little while to answer this question. The Siamese have a
cycle of twelve years, bearing respectively the names of the Rat,
Cow, Tiger, Rabbit, Major Dragon, Minor Dragon, Horse, Goat, Monkey,
Cock, Dog and Hog. One of their prevalent superstitions asserts that
persons born in certain years should not marry each other, as any
union between them would only be fruitful of endless discord. Thus
a person born in the "year of the Dog" might lead a life of never
ending discord with one born in the "year of the Rat." When a marriage
between two persons is contemplated, this important question of the
year of birth must be referred to a fortune-teller, who, being of an
obliging disposition, and having a keen eye to business, will, for
a small fee, generally pronounce that, so far as the conditions of
birth are concerned, there is "no just cause or impediment why the two
persons should not be joined in holy matrimony."
This difficulty having been satisfactorily settled, another visit
follows, when the elders announce the result of their visit to the
astrologer. "Since birthdays need cause no further delay, what shall
be said about the money to be provided for the young couple to
commence business on, and the money for building a house for their
habitation?"
It must here be explained that every intending bridegroom must either
possess a house or signify his willingness to erect one. In most
cases the new houses are erected if possible upon the premises of the
bride's parents, so that, provided a man has many daughters and plenty
of land, he may ultimately gather round him quite a small village of
descendants.
The girl's parents reply, "We are not in any way rich, so that we
shall be quite unable to afford much money for the purpose you
mention. But we should like to enquire how much the young man is
likely to receive from his parents."
"That," answer the ambassadors, "depends almost entirely upon the
parents of the young lady." They next suggest sums of money which
of course vary in amount according to the wealth of the contracting
parties. So much is put down as being for use in trade, and so much
for building a house. The number of dishes is also specified, that the
young man's friends will be expected to contribute towards the wedding
festivities. As a rule, they discuss at the same time, the plan of the
proposed house, the number of rooms it should contain and the quantity
of furniture that should be provided. When all these details have been
finally settled, the committee return and report the results of their
negotiations.
The last preliminary detail is settled by the acceptation of the
terms of the contract by the young man's parents. The fortunate
lady is now informed that she is about to be married, and the young
man is similarly told that he may soon call the desired one his
own. He is not allowed to go near her, or to indulge in any form of
courtship, but the obliging parents, with every desire to save the
pair any unnecessary trouble or excitement, themselves convey all
gifts and messages. During the whole time that elapses between the
first mention of the marriage until the ceremony itself is actually
accomplished, the betrothed pair are supposed never to meet. They have
no opportunity of indulging in any of those little marks of affection
which are supposed to be the especial weaknesses of young lovers.
They are not allowed to be demonstrative after this fashion. Kissing
is never at any time common, and even when it occurs it seems a very
strange operation, for it consists of a vigorous sniff made when the
nose is pressed against the cheek of the one so saluted. The mothers
at this time guard their daughters with great vigilance, and any
approach of the lover to his lass would put an end to all his schemes
for future bliss.
The erection of the new house is rapidly proceeded with, and owing
to the frail character of the structure, the work occupies but a
very short time. All arrangements for the wedding are made, and many
invitations issued to friends and relatives. The money mentioned in
the agreement is paid over to the parents of the bride. It is called
"Ka nom," or "the price of the mother's milk" with which the bride was
nourished in her infancy. A number of gifts are exchanged between the
parents, and then the astrologers fix the day for the wedding ceremony.
The wedding partakes of the nature of a feast. On the happy day,
fruits and sweetmeats are prepared and laid out for the guests.
Musicians and priests are summoned to the festival. The groom heads a
procession to the bride's home, taking with him presents for his bride
and for her father and mother. His most intimate friends and a band
of musicians accompany him. Everyone is in his gayest attire, and the
crowd is a medley of orange, yellow, saffron, blue, pink, scarlet and
green. When the bridegroom reaches the house he goes to his own new
quarters, where he is met by a boy, who brings him a tray of betel-nut
sent by his future wife. At the commencement of the wedding ceremony
a screen separates him from the lady, and he is not yet allowed to
look upon her face. After a certain time spent in feeding, the money
provided by both parties is laid upon the ground. The amount is
examined in order to test the accuracy and genuineness of the sums
deposited. If all is in order, they are sprinkled with rice, scented
oil and flowers. The priests offer up a prayer, the screen is removed,
and then the couple kneel down to be bathed with holy water. The chief
elder pours it first over the head of the bridegroom, and then over
the head of the bride, at the same time pronouncing a blessing upon
them both. Very often the bowing and bathing are dispensed with, and
the couple are considered as married as soon as the money is paid
over. No registers are signed, and no official record of the event is
made. The bride retires to remove her wet clothes, but the bridegroom
waits till he receives her gift of a new suit, in which he speedily
attires himself. The priests again engage in chanting, and the guests
return to their feasting until evening, when they all return to their
homes, with the exception of the bridegroom, who hires a band with
which to serenade his lady-love until the small hours of the next
morning. As yet he has had no conversation with her whatever.
On the morning of the next day, the priests and visitors arrive once
more, when all busy themselves in waiting upon the monks as they
make a hearty and luxurious meal. Should this day be a propitious
one according to the wisdom of the astrologers, the ceremonies close
in the evening. A respectable old couple who are intimate friends of
the bride, and are themselves the parents of numerous offspring, go
to the new house to make all ready for the homecoming of the newly
married ones. The young man goes next, attended by his friends bearing
torches. About nine o'clock, a crowd of elderly people escort the
bride to her husband's dwelling, where they soon begin to drink tea
and chew betel-nut, not forgetting at frequent intervals to give to
the young people many wise yet unnecessary counsels. If anything
should happen of doubtful omen, the bride is once more taken home
again, for she may not take up her residence with her husband except
under the most propitious circumstances. The end is reached at last,
and the kind and benevolent friends retire to their homes, and leave
the newly married couple to make each other's acquaintance. Then for
the first time do they enjoy the pleasure of each other's company, and
there can be no doubt, that no friends were ever so willingly parted
with as those whose footsteps are heard last descending the bamboo
ladder as they take themselves away into the darkness.
After a few days the groom takes his wife to visit his parents.
She carries with her several presents, and on reaching the house,
prostrates herself to the ground before her new relatives. In a few
minutes she is raised by her mother-in-law, who embraces her and
treats her with becoming respect and attention. The bride also takes
her husband to visit her parents, where the same forms of etiquette
are again observed.
[Illustration: A CHINESE MERCHANT.]
At every wedding feast there are always three metallic plates or
dishes containing respectively, Chinese cakes, a very highly seasoned
kind of mincemeat, and a tray of betel-nut. These three dishes were
formerly known collectively, under the name of "the betel-nut tray,"
and so universal is the custom of providing them, that the wedding
ceremony itself is now frequently spoken of by the same name.
After the birth of the first child the joint stock is produced and the
young couple are set up in business. Up to this time their household
expenses have been defrayed by the bride's parents.
Siamese law gives the husband the right to administer a little
wholesome chastisement to his wife, should he think she requires it;
but such occasions must be of rare occurrence where the women are so
good-tempered, and so gentle in their manners.
The whole ceremony above described is only observed in the case
of the first or chief wife, who always remains the legal head of
her husband's household. Other wives are merely bought as so much
merchandise, all formality being omitted except such as attends the
payment of the purchase money. Polygamy is extensively practised
amongst the higher classes, but it is controlled in the case of the
poor by the fact that a man must not have more wives than he can keep.
Chastity is highly commended by the Buddhist religion, but although
Buddha censured polygamy he did not absolutely forbid it. He did not
see his way clear to a thorough prohibition of the practice, and even
admits that if a man's wives are properly acquired, he is unable to
pronounce it wrong. The practice of only having one wife he strongly
commends, and looks upon it as a form of celibacy. No disgrace of any
kind is attached to the condition of a subordinate wife, but she does
not hold a high social position. Very often she inhabits a house
separated from that in which the head wife resides. Upon the death
of the husband, her children are legally entitled to a share of the
property, but they do not share on equal terms with the children of
the first wife. Then too, a bought wife can be sold or given away,
while the head wife can only be divorced. It sometimes happens that a
man sells one of his concubines, and she takes her children with her
if she has any, so that her sons and daughters possess a father and a
step-father both living at the same time.
There is a very elastic divorce law, and marriages can practically be
annulled by mutual consent. In such cases the wife takes away with
her all the property she brought to the husband on her marriage, and
all she may have since acquired either by trade or purchase. She also
retains possession of the first, third, and fifth children. Great
respect is shown to the condition of motherhood, a wife of low rank
with children being of far more importance in the family than even the
chief wife should she be childless.
The king, the princes, and most--of the noblemen have fairly large
harems. The late king had eighty-four children who were the offspring
of thirty-five mothers. The possession of a large harem appears to be
regarded as an honour to the owner, who glories in his property much
after the same fashion as Western noblemen take great pride in their
private art galleries or libraries. The king has generally one wife
who is called the Queen. At the present time there are two queens--the
First Queen and the Second Queen, both of them being half-sisters of
the reigning sovereign. The women of the royal harem, unlike all other
Siamese women, are under great restrictions as regards their personal
liberty. They are known under the name of "forbidden women", that is,
women forbidden to leave the palace. They are not permitted to pass
beyond their prison walls except with special permission, which is
rarely, and only on occasions of extraordinary importance, granted to
them. Their quarters are called "The Inside," and it is not considered
polite in Siamese society to hold conversation concerning the place
or its inmates. Into this region no man but the king ever enters. It
is a city of women, complete in itself, with its own shops, markets,
gaol and policemen. Those noblemen or princes who possess handsome
daughters are only too glad to present them to their sovereign, for
should their children become favourites with their royal husband,
honours and promotion will most likely fall to them as a natural
consequence. The late king once remarked that he was not particularly
anxious to acquire all the youth and beauty of Siam himself, but, as
so many of her fairest daughters had already been presented to him, he
could not possibly refuse similar gifts in future, as he did not wish
to offend any of his subjects.
The Siamese have several amusing reasons for permitting a man to
have as many wives as he pleases, while they refuse to grant a like
privilege to women folk. Woman, they say, is man's inferior, is under
his control, and may not be allowed the luxury of possessing two
masters. Besides, if a woman had several husbands, she would never
know who was the father of her children, and the children, not knowing
their own father, might possibly at some time or other injure him, or
even commit parricide without knowing it. And moreover, there is a
remarkable difference in the several dispositions of men and women;
men, however many wives they have, and whatever their feelings towards
them, would never desire to kill them, but if women had more husbands
than one, they would wish to put to death all except the one they
liked best, for such is their nature.
"There was once on a time a priest, who daily blessed a
great king, saying, 'May Your Majesty have the firmness
of a crow, the audacity of a woman, the endurance of
a vulture, and the strength of an ant.' And the king,
doubting his meaning, said, 'What do you mean by the
endurance of a vulture?' And he replied, 'If a vulture and
all other kinds of animals be caged up without food, the
vulture will outlive them all.' And the king tried, and it
was so. Then the priest said, 'I spoke of the strength of
an ant, for the ant is stronger than a man or anything that
lives. No other animal can lift a lump of iron or copper as
large as itself, but an ant will carry off its own bulk of
either metal if only it be smeared with sugar. Also I spoke
of the firmness of a crow, for none can subdue the boldness
and energy of the crow, however long it may be caged. It
can never be tamed. And if the king would see the audacity
of a woman, I beg him to send for a couple who have been
married but one or two months, and who are as yet, deeply
in love with each other. First call the husband and tell
him to take this knife and cut off his wife's head and
bring it to you, when, as a reward, you will give him half
your kingdom and make him viceroy. And if he will not do
it, then send for the woman and tell her that if she will
cut off her husband's head and bring it to you, you will
make her your chief queen and ruler of all the ladies in
the palace.' And the king did so. He found a newly married
couple who had never quarrelled and were deeply enamoured
of one another, and sending for the husband, he spoke to
him as the priest suggested. The man took the knife, hid
it in his dress, and that same night he rose when his wife
slept, thinking to kill her, but he could not, because he
was kind-hearted and reflected that she had done no wrong.
And the next day he returned the knife to the king, saying
that he could not use it against his wife. Then the king
sent messengers to the wife secretly, and they brought her
to him, and he flattered her and enticed her with promises,
as the priest had told him. She took the knife, and as
soon as her husband slept, stabbed him, cut off his head,
and took it to the king. This story shows not only that
women are more audacious than men, but also that, if anyone
entices or pleases them, they will plot the death of their
husbands, which is good reason for not letting them have
more than one husband."[C]