(_Suitable for Use at the Prison University, Elmira._)
_Question._ What is a crime?
_Answer._ A discovered breach of the law.
_Q._ And a virtue?
_A._ Its antithesis--the same thing unsuspected.
_Q._ What should be the chief occupation of a criminal?
_A._ A serious study of the law, with a view to its successful
evasion.
_Q._ Is there a law for the rich and a law for the poor?
_A._ Certainly not; but a well-feed Q.C. is more than a match for a
briefless Counsel whose professional sustenance is "soup."
_Q._ What is now generally considered to be the highest line of crime?
_A._ The malpractice that is frequently inseparable from holding of
important positions on the Boards of bogus public Companies.
_Q._ What is necessary to secure a livelihood out of burglary?
_A._ A clear head, a knowledge of chemistry and kindred subjects, and
a fair amount of capital.
_Q._ Why is ready money necessary?
_A._ Because the calling of a burglar nowadays is attended by various
compulsory expenses. A successful burglar should be able to purchase
skeleton-keys and "jemmies" of the most exquisite and delicate
quality. Moreover, he should be able to entertain largely, and to keep
a yacht.
_Q._ Is swindling ever known to be legal?
_A._ Scarcely; still it can often be practised with impunity on the
Stock Exchange and the Turf.
_Q._ Is petty larceny lawful?
_A._ Only when practised on the belongings of your wife, and even in
this case it is well to keep her in ignorance of the provisions of the
Married Woman's Property Act.
_Q._ What are the advantages of a sojourn in the newly organised
Elmira establishment?
_A._ An inmate is taught a trade, or even a profession.
_Q._ And now, in conclusion, considering that a breach of the law
is necessary to secure admission to the University, what would you
consider the most appropriate motto for the Institution?
_A._ "Honesty is not (at first) the best policy."
* * * * *
"BACK US UP!"--It is stated that, on the new School Board for the
Henley-in-Arden district, a Mr. H. BACCHUS has been elected. May
BACCHUS (and the classic "fat venison") never be absent from this
Board! Probably, nowadays, BACCHUS is a strong supporter of the
Temperance Movement, if not himself a Total Abstainer.