human race as well as in the individual (even though the individual man
often wilfully mars his own existence)--life, in the present, the past,
and the future, has always appeared to me as a great undivided whole, in
which one thing is explained, is justified, is conditioned and urged
forward by the other.
In order that, if it be possible, there should remain no obscurity
whatever in my actions, thoughts, and life, I shall proceed to consider
them all, down to the very latest event which has happened to me; that
is, the writing-down of this statement of my life for your Highness. My
life experience it is which urges me to do this; not any whim or
caprice. Common worldly wisdom would challenge such a step if it were
known; no one would desire to take it, no one would dare to take it. I
dare it, and I do it, because my childhood has taught me that where for
trust we find distrust, where for union we find division, where for
belief we find doubt, there but sad fruit will come to the harvest, and
a burdensome and narrow life alone can follow.
I return again to the narrative of the development of my inner and outer
life.
A new existence now began for me, entirely opposed to that which I had
hitherto led. An uncle on my mother's side came to visit us in this
year; he was a gentle, affectionate man.[12] His appearance among us
made a most agreeable impression upon me. This uncle, being a man of
experience, may have noticed the adverse influences which surrounded me;
for soon after his departure he begged my father by letter to turn me
over to him entirely. My father readily consented, and towards the end
of the year 1792 I went to him. He had early lost both wife and child,
and only his aged mother-in-law lived in his house with him. In my
father's house severity reigned supreme; here, on the contrary, mildness
and kindness held sway. There I encountered mistrust; here I was
trusted. There I was under restraint; here I had liberty. Hitherto I had
hardly ever been with boys of my own age; here I found forty
schoolfellows, for I joined the upper class of the town school.[13]
The little town of Stadt-Ilm is situated in a somewhat wide valley, and
on the banks of a small limpid stream.[14] My uncle's house had gardens
attached, into which I could go if I liked; but I was also at liberty to
roam all over the neighbourhood, if only I obeyed the strict rule of the
house to return punctually at the time appointed. Here I drank in fresh
life-energy in long draughts; for now the whole place was my playground,
whereas formerly, at home, I had been limited to our own walls. I gained
freedom of soul and strength of body.
The clergyman who taught us never interfered with our games, played at
certain appointed playgrounds, and always with great fun and spirit.
Deeply humiliating to me were the frequent slights I received in our
play, arising from my being behind boys of my age in bodily strength,
and more especially in agility; and all my dash and daring could not
replace the robust, steady strength, and the confident sureness of aim
which my companions possessed. Happy fellows! they had grown up in
continual exercise of their youthful boyish strength. I felt myself
exceedingly fortunate when I had at length got so far that my
schoolfellows could tolerate me as a companion in their games. But
whatever I accomplished in this respect by practice, by continual effort
of will, and by the natural course of life, I always felt myself
physically deficient in contrast with their uncramped boyish powers.
Setting aside that which I had been robbed of by my previous education,
my new life was vigorous and unfettered by external restraint; and they
tell me I made good use of my opportunity. The world lay open before me,
as far as I could grasp it. It may indeed be because my present life was
as free and unconstrained as my former life had been cramped and
constrained, anyhow the companions of my youth have reminded me of
several incidents of that time which make me think that my good spirits
led me to the borders of wildness and extravagance; although as a boy I
considered my demeanour quieter by far than that of my companions of my
own age. My communion with Nature, silent hitherto, now became freer and
more animated. And as, at the same time, my uncle's house was full of
peace and quiet contemplation, I was able as I grew up to develop that
side of my character also; thus on every side my life became
harmoniously balanced.
In two places, alike centres of education, I found myself as before
quite at home, even though I was more frequently than ever the victim of
absence of mind--I mean the church and the school. In the latter I
especially enjoyed the hours devoted to religious instruction. As with
my uncle himself, and with his life, so was it also with his sermons;
they were gentle, mild, and full of lovingkindness. I could follow them
quite readily, and in the Monday repetition at school I was able to give
a good account of them. But the religious instruction of our own
school-teacher responded best to my needs; all that I had worked out for
myself was placed by him in a fuller light, and received from him a
higher confirmation. Later in life, when I had grown to manhood, I spoke
with my uncle on the excellence of this teaching, and he made reply that
it was indeed very good, but was too philosophical and abstruse for
those to whom it was addressed; "for thee," continued he, "it may have
been well suited, since thou hadst already received such unusually good
instruction from thy father." Let that be as it may, this teaching
enlightened, animated, and warmed me,--nay, glowed within me till my
heart was completely melted, especially when it touched upon the life,
the work, and the character of Jesus. At this I would burst into tears,
and the longings to lead in future a similar life took definite form,
and wholly filled my soul. When I now hear tales of the ebullitions of
my youthful spirit occurring in that period of my life, I cannot help
thinking that they must have led superficial observers to the erroneous
opinion that the monitions and teachings of religion swept over my
spirit without leaving a trace of their passage. And yet how wrongly
would such observers have judged the true state of my inner life!
The subjects best taught in the school of Stadt-Ilm were reading,
writing, arithmetic, and religion. Latin was miserably taught, and still
worse learnt. Here, as in so many similar schools, the teaching utterly
lacked the elucidation of first principles. The time spent on Latin was
therefore not wasted upon me, in so far that I learnt from it that such
a method of teaching could bear no fruit among the scholars. Arithmetic
was a very favourite study of mine; and as I also received private
tuition in this subject, my progress was so rapid that I came to equal
my teacher both in theory and practice, although his attainments were by
no means despicable. But how astonished was I when, in my twenty-third
year, I first went to Yverdon, and found I could not solve the questions
there being set to the scholars! This was one of the experiences which
prepossessed me so keenly in favour of Pestalozzi's method of teaching,
and decided me to begin arithmetic myself from the very beginning over
again, according to his system. But more of this later.
In physical geography we repeated our tasks parrot-wise, speaking much
and knowing nothing; for the teaching on this subject had not the very
least connection with real life, nor had it any actuality for us,
although at the same time we could rightly name our little specks and
patches of colour on the map. I received private tuition in this subject
also. My teacher wished to advance further with me; he took me to
England. I could find no connection between that country and the place
and country in which I dwelt myself, so that of this instruction also I
retained but little. As for actual instruction in German, it was not to
be thought of; but we received directions in letter-writing and in
spelling. I do not know with what study the teaching of spelling was
connected, but I think it was not connected with any; it hovered in the
air. I had lessons, furthermore, in singing and in pianoforte playing,
but without result. I merely mention all this now, in order to be able
to refer to it later on.
My life the whole time of my stay with my uncle had three aspects: the
religious life developing and building up my moral being; the external
life made up of boyish play, into which I threw my whole energy; and the
life of thought quietly showing itself within my uncle's peaceful home.
To this last influence also I yielded myself with equal earnestness, and
felt no suspicion of the apparent contradiction which my outward life
exhibited to such a mood. Like my school-fellows, I lived without
control; as far as I saw or felt, I was untrammelled; and yet I do not
call to mind that any of us ever committed a seriously culpable action.
Here I am obliged to mention something which as an educationist I can by
no means pass lightly by. We received instruction from two
schoolmasters: one was pedantic and rigid; the other, more especially
our class-teacher (_conrector_), was large-hearted and free. The first
never had any influence over his class; the second could do whatever he
pleased with us, and if he had but set his mind to it, or perhaps if he
had been aware of his power, he might have done some thoroughly good
sound work with his class. In the little town of Stadt-Ilm were two
ministers, both ephors[15] of the school. My uncle, the principal
minister, was mild, gentle, and kind-hearted, impressive in daily life
as in his sacred office or in the pulpit; the other minister was rigid
even to sternness, frequently scolding and ordering us about. The first
led us with a glance. A word from him, and surely few were so brutish as
to refuse that word admittance to their heart. The long exhortations of
the other went, for the most part, over our heads, leaving no trace
behind. Like my father, my uncle was a true shepherd of his flock; but a
gentle lovingkindness to all mankind reigned in him. My father was moved
by the conviction of the rectitude of his actions; he was earnest and
severe. Both have been dead over twenty years; but how different is the
spirit they have left behind amongst their congregations. Here, they are
glad at being released from so strict a control, and, if I am rightly
informed, unbridled license has sprung up amongst them; there, the
little town raises itself to higher and ever higher prosperity, and all
things are made to serve towards mental culture, as well as towards a
right citizen-like business activity. I permit myself this digression,
because these results were paralleled as a life-experience in my own
life.
In this manner I lived, up to my confirmation; all but a few weeks, that
is, which I spent at my parents' house during the long holidays. Here,
too, everything seemed to take a gentler turn, and the domestic, thrifty
activity which filled the place, and always struck me anew in my
periodical visits home, wrought upon me with most beneficial effect. The
copper-plate engravings in my father's library were the first things I
sought out, especially those representing scenes in the history of the
world. A table showing our (German) alphabet in its relations with many
others made a surprising impression upon me. It enabled me to recognise
the connection and the derivation of our letters from the old Phoenician
characters. This gave me a dim conception of the inner connection of all
those languages of which, as my brother had studied and was still
studying them, I often heard, and saw in print. Especially the Greek
language lost much of its strangeness in my eyes, now that I could
recognise its characters in the German alphabet. All this, however, had
no immediate consequence in my life; these things, as echoes from my
youth, produced their effect upon me at a later time.
At this time, too, I read all sorts of boys' books. The story of Samuel
Lawill impressed me most vividly; I, too, longed for such a ring, which
by its warning pressure on my finger could hinder my hand from effecting
unworthy purposes, and I was very angry with the youthful owner of the
ring in the story, who threw it away in irritation because it pressed
him right hard at a moment when he wished to commit a passionate
deed.[16]
My confirmation, and the preparation for it, all conducted by my uncle,
was over. I had received from it the most impressive and the most
far-reaching influence in my whole life, and all my life-threads found
in it their point of union and repose. I had now to be prepared for some
business calling, and the question was raised, for which? That I should
not study at the university had already been decided long before by the
express determination of my step-mother. For since two of my
brothers[17] had devoted themselves to study, she feared that the
further additional expense would be too heavy a burden upon my father's
means. It may be that this intention had already influenced and limited
my whole course of instruction; and probably only the little narrow
circle of future business aims had been considered; the eye had not
looked upon the boy as a future man. Possibly from this cause I was kept
so little to Latin; it was enough if I learnt, as our mode of expression
ran, to "state a _Casus_" (that is, to decline a noun). From my own
experience it was thus shown to me how eminently injurious it is in
education and in instruction to consider only a certain circle of future
activities or a certain rank in life. The wearisome old-fashioned
education _ad hoc_ (that is, for some one special purpose) has always
left many a noble power of man's nature unawakened.
A career in our country frequently chosen by the worthiest and most
anxious parents for their sons is that of a post in the Treasury and
Exchequer. Aspirants to such a post have two means of entering and two
starting-points in this career; either they become a clerk to one of the
minor officials in the Treasury or Exchequer, or the personal servant of
one of the highest officials. As my knowledge of writing and figures
seemed to my father satisfactory and sufficient for such a post, and as
he knew well that it might lead, not merely to a life free from
pecuniary cares, but even to wealth and fortune, he chose this career as
mine. But the minor Treasury official who might have found employment
for such a young man, showed various reasons why he could not or would
not as yet receive me as a clerk. There was something in my nature which
revolted against the second mode I have mentioned of entering this
career; something which I never afterwards experienced, but which at the
time absolutely prevented me from choosing such a mode of starting in
my future profession, and that in spite of the most alluring hopes that
were held out to me. My father meant well and honestly by me, but fate
ruled it against him. Strangely enough, it happened that in my later
capacity of schoolmaster, I became the educator and teacher of two of
the nephews of that very man into whose service my father had meant to
have sent me; and I hope to God that I have been of greater service to
that family by filling the heart and brain of these young people with
good and useful notions than if I had brushed the clothes and shoes of
their uncle, and spread his table with savoury dishes. In the latter
case, very likely an externally easy and happy existence might have been
mine, whereas now I wage a constant fight with cares and difficulties.
Suffice it to say, this career was closed to me; a second was proposed
by my mother, but from this my father delivered me by expressing a
decided disapproval.
My own desires and inclinations were now at last consulted. I wanted to
be an agriculturist in the full meaning of the word; for I loved
mountain, field, and forest; and I heard also that to learn anything
solid in this occupation one must be well acquainted with geometry and
land-surveying. From what I had learnt of the latter by snatches now and
then, the prospect of knowing more about it delighted me much; and I
cared not whether I began with forestry, with farming, or with geometry
and land-surveying. My father tried to find a position for me; but the
farmers asked too high a premium. Just at this time he became acquainted
with a forester who had also a considerable reputation as land-surveyor
and valuer. They soon came to terms, and I was apprenticed to this man
for two years, to learn forestry, valuing, geometry, and land-surveying.
I was fifteen years and a half old when I became an apprentice to the
forester, on Midsummer Day 1797.
It was two days' journey from my home to the forester's, for his
district was not in our country. The man often gave me proofs of his
thorough and many-sided knowledge; but he did not understand the art of
conveying his knowledge to others, especially because what he knew he
had acquired only by dint of actual experience.[18] Further, some work
of timber-floating[19] with which he had been entrusted hindered him
from devoting to me the stipulated time necessary for my instruction.
As soon as I saw this quite clearly, my own activity of mind urged me to
make use of the really excellent books on forestry and geometry which I
found lying to my hand. I also made acquaintance with the doctor of a
little town near by, who studied natural science for his amusement; and
this friend lent me books on botany, through which I learnt also about
other plants than just those of the forest. A great deal of my time
during the absence of the forester (when I was left quite to myself) I
devoted to making a sort of map of the neighbourhood I lived in; but
botany was my special occupation. My life as forester's apprentice was a
four-fold one: firstly, there was the homelier and more practical side
of life; then the life spent with Nature, especially forest-nature; then
also a life of the study, devoted to work at mathematics and languages;
and lastly, the time spent in gaining a knowledge of plants. My chosen
profession and the other circumstances of my position might have brought
me into contact with many kinds of men; but nevertheless my life
remained retired and solitary. My religious church life now changed to a
religious communion with Nature, and in the last half-year I lived
entirely amongst and with my plants, which drew me towards them with
fascination, notwithstanding that as yet I had no sense of the inner
life of the plant world. Collecting and drying specimens of plants was a
work I prosecuted with the greatest care. Altogether this time of my
life was devoted in many various ways to self-education,
self-instruction, and moral advancement. Especially did I love to
indulge my old habit of self-observation and introspection.
I must mention yet another event of the greatest importance from the
point of view of my inner life. An hour's walk from where I then lived
was a small country town. A company of strolling actors arrived there,
and played in the prince's castle in the town. After I had seen one of
their performances, hardly any of those which followed passed without my
attendance. These performances made a deep and lively impression upon
me, and this the more that I felt as if my soul at last received
nourishment for which it had long hungered. The impressions thus gained
lasted so much the longer, and had so much the greater influence on my
self-culture, in that after each performance my hour's walk home by dark
or in the starlight allowed me to recapitulate what I had heard, and so
to digest the meaning of the play. I remember especially how deeply a
performance of Iffland's _Huntsmen_ moved me, and how it inspired me
with firm moral resolutions, which I imprinted deep in my mind under the
light of the stars. My interest in the play made me seek acquaintance
with the actors, and especially with one of them, an earnest young man
who attracted my attention, and to whom I spoke about his profession. I
congratulated him on being a member of such a company, able to call up
such ennobling sentiments in the human soul; perhaps even expressed a
wish that I could become a member of such a company. Then the honest
fellow described the profession of an actor as a brilliant, deceitful
misery, and confessed to me that he had been only forced by necessity to
adopt this profession, and that he was soon about to abandon it. Once
again I learned by this to divide cause from effect, internal from
external things. My visits to the play brought upon me a most unpleasant
experience, for my father, when I spoke to him without concealment of my
playgoing, reproached me very bitterly for it. He looked upon my conduct
as deserving the highest punishment, which was in absolute contradiction
with my own view; for I placed the benefit I had derived from my
attendance at the play side by side with what I had received by my
attendance at church, and expressed something of the kind to my father.
As often happened in later life, so also on this occasion it was my
eldest brother who was the mediator between my father and myself.
On Midsummer Day 1799 my apprenticeship came to an end. The forester,
who could now have made my practical knowledge of service to himself,
wished to keep me another year. But I had by this time acquired higher
views; I wished to study mathematics and botany more thoroughly, and I
was not to be kept back from my purpose. When my apprenticeship was over
I left him, and returned to my father's house.
My master knew well that he had not done his duty towards me, and with
this probably humiliating consciousness before him, and in spite of the
thoroughly satisfactory testimonial that he gave me, he committed a very
mean action against me. He did not know anything about my private study;
for instance, my completely working through some elementary mathematical
books, which I had found myself quite well able to understand. Besides,
he was dissatisfied that I would not stay another year with him. He
therefore sent a letter to my father, in which he complained bitterly of
my conduct, and shifted the blame of my ignorance of my calling entirely
on to my shoulders. This letter actually arrived at home before I did;
and my father sent it on to my eldest brother, who was minister in a
village through which I had to pass on my way home. Soon after I reached
my brother's house he communicated to me the contents of this
inculpatory letter. I cleared myself by exposing the unconscientious
behaviour of my master, and by showing my private work. I then wrote a
reply to my master, clearly refuting all his accusations, and exhibiting
on the other hand his behaviour towards me; and with this I satisfied my
father and my brother. But the latter reproached me for having suffered
wrongdoing so long without complaint. To that I gave the simple answer,
that my father, at the beginning of my apprenticeship, had told me not
to come to him with any complaint, as I should never be listened to, but
should be considered as wrong beforehand. My brother, who knew my
father's severity and his views on such points, was silent. But my
mother saw in one declaration of the forester the confirmation of her
own opinion about me. The forester declared, that if ever anything was
made of me, the same good fortune might be told of the first-comer
without further trouble, and my mother assented heartily to his opinion.
Thus disappeared once more the light, the sunshine, which had gladdened
me with its warmth, especially in the more recent part of my life. The
wings of my mind, which had begun to flutter of themselves, were again
bound, and my life once more appeared all cold and harsh before me. Then
it happened that my father had to send some money to my brother
(Traugott), who was studying medicine in Jena. The matter pressed; so,
as I had nothing to do, it was decided that I should be the messenger.