CONVALESCENCE.
When the curtains were withdrawn from my windows, and I was strong enough
to look once more on the outer world, I found the late April sun was
bringing back life and beauty to the trees and shrubbery around Oaklands.
Thomas and Samuel were well on with their gardening, and already a few
brave blossoms were smiling up at us from mother earth. I felt like one
who had been visiting dim, mysterious shores, and had got safely back
from those outlying regions. I used to lie in those quiet hours of
convalescence, trying to decide what was real and what fanciful in the
experiences of the last few weeks. When Mrs. Flaxman considered me strong
enough to listen to consecutive conversation she gave me the particulars
of my sudden attack of illness and the incidents connected therewith.
I was one of the first stricken with a virulent type of typhoid fever
which, in very many cases, had proved fatal.
A want of sanitary precaution in Cavendish had caused the outbreak which
caused, in loss of life, and incidental expenses, far more than the most
approved drainage would do in a generation. I was amazed when the names
of my fellow sufferers were mentioned; among them Mrs. Le Grande, whose
recovery was still considered by the doctors exceedingly uncertain.
Mr. Winthrop, she informed me, had not sufficient confidence in the local
doctors to trust me entirely to their care, and at the height of the
fever had sent for one from New York. "But for that," she continued, "I
believe you would be in your grave to-day."
"I did not think Mr. Winthrop would care very much. He is so angry with
me."
"He very soon got over his anger when he found how sick you were. At
first he was nearly beside himself; for he thought it was the message I
had taken to you from him that day that caused your illness. He would
come to your bedside, and listen to your appeals for forgiveness with
such an expression of pain on his face. Sometimes he would take your
hands in his, assuring you of his forgiveness; but you never understood
him. I was afraid you would die without ever knowing."
"But I would have known all about it, once my spirit had got freed from
the body; I cannot describe what glimpses I have had of other worlds
than ours. It seemed so restful there; so much better than we have words
to describe."
"We are so glad you did not leave us for that place, even though it is so
beautiful."
"When this life is done, and its work all finished, I may slip away
there. I think my soul saw its home and can never again be so fully
content with earth."
"Try not to think about it, Medoline, any more."
"Why not?"
"When a person's spirits begin to get homesick for a higher existence,
usually they soon drift quietly away where they long to be."
Another day she told me how much Mrs. Blake had done for me, nursing me
with a skill and patience that drew high praise from the dignified city
physician accustomed to skilled nurses. Mr. Winthrop used to come and go,
watching her closely, and one day he said:--
"No matter what happens, Mrs. Blake's future will be attended to."
Then I asked the question that had been troubling me ever since I had
been getting better.
"Why do I never see or hear anything from Mr. Winthrop? you say he has
forgiven me; but he has not so much as sent me a message, or flower
since I came to myself."
"Why, Medoline, did you not know?"
"Know what?" I asked, interrupting her, "has he gone away with Mrs. Le
Grande?" I had forgotten for the moment that Mrs. Le Grande was even
weaker than myself.
"Oh, no, indeed; marriage has been one of her least anxieties of late.
Mr. Winthrop is in London before this: I am looking for letters now every
day."
"Has he gone to Europe?"
"Yes; I thought of course you knew; he left the very day the doctor
pronounced you out of danger."
"Did you know he thought of going?"
"No, we were greatly surprised; I cannot think why he left so abruptly."
"Perhaps he was afraid of Mrs. Le Grande. He knows how fascinating she
can be when she chooses."
"I do not think she had anything to do with it. She was perfectly
harmless when he left, in the delirium of fever, with two physicians in
attendance."
I was not convinced by Mrs. Flaxman's words, but said no more on the
subject.
My strength rapidly returned once I had got in the open air. Thomas
always found it perfectly convenient now to take me for a drive, even at
most unseasonable hours. His gardening was pressing heavily upon him, and
no doubt it was hard for him to trust the care of flower and vegetable
beds to other hands; but of the two he preferred to trust them rather
than me, to strangers.
We took long drives over hill and valley--for the most part taking the
road that skirted the seashore. Silently I would watch the white sails
disappearing beyond the eastern horizon, wishing that I could follow them
to my guardian's side. I missed the delightful hours I used to spend in
his study listening to his conversation, so different from that of any
human being I ever knew. He lived so far above the range of little minds,
the trivialities of everyday life, social gossip, and the like, seemed
to shrink from his presence. One always felt the touch of noble thoughts,
and the longing for high endeavor where he was. I lived over again in
these long, quiet drives, with the silent Thomas, those last few months,
when, with my innocent child's heart, I sunned myself in his presence,
unconscious of the rare charm and fascination that drew me to him.
But as I grew stronger I turned from the past and its memories,
bitter-sweet, and set myself resolutely to the duty of living my life
well, independently of its secret unrest and pain. I knew that many
before me, multitudes after me, would be called to endure a like
discipline, and the world, no doubt, is the richer in what it holds as
imperishable because of the compensation suffering brings; for if we take
with a docile mind the discipline God gives, there will always be
compensation. One day, when I had come back strengthened from a long
drive along the seashore, a very pleasant surprise awaited me. Mrs.
Flaxman had received letters from Mr. Winthrop which, to my surprise, she
did not share with me. But she handed me a check for two hundred dollars,
which I was to distribute among my poor friends. That money I believe
helped to change the destinies of several lives: for I tried to lay it
out in a way that would help some to improve their chances to make life
a success.
June, with its flowers and perfumes, came at last; and in the early
morning, when I used to ramble through the stretches of flowers and
shrubbery, and under the trees, tremulous with bird song, I wondered how
the owner of all this beauty could willingly banish himself from it.
Thomas permitted me to gather flowers at will--a favor I used to the
utmost, among others sending Mrs. Le Grande a daily remembrance from
Oaklands, in the shape of a bouquet of the choicest blossoms.
At last I resolved to follow the flowers myself, though at the risk of
the second time incurring Mr. Winthrop's displeasure; but if she were
soon to die, as her attendants seemed to expect, surely here was
missionary work right at my door. I found the cottage a perfect bower of
roses. The garden in front was a wilderness of the choicest varieties I
had ever seen, and in the windows nothing could be seen but green leaves
and blossoms of every varying tint. It seemed hard to believe that the
rarest rose of all was lying there, fading slowly away amid all this
fragrance and beauty. I rang the bell, which was answered by the same
little maid who had received me before. I asked for Mrs. Le Grande.
"She's no better, ma'am, and Missus thinks she'll never be; but, my! we
dassent tell her; she's that 'fraid of death."
"Does she see strangers?"
"There's not many comes to see her, but I'll tell her you're here. Just
step in here, please, and sit down for a minute."
She opened a door near by; but I thanked her and said I would wait in the
garden among the roses for her answer.
She soon came for me with a smiling face, saying Mrs. Le Grande would be
glad to see me, and then led the way to her room.
Mrs. Le Grande was reclining in an invalid's chair, propped up with
pillows, a rich satin quilt thrown over her feet, and robed in a pink
silk wrapper that matched perfectly her exquisite complexion and the
roses fastened in her hair. She received me with a gaiety that, under the
circumstances, astonished me, saying: "Why, how well you look! Your
attack of fever could not have been so severe as mine."
"I was very ill indeed, I cannot imagine how one could be worse and
live," I said, gravely.
"But I shall not be so strong as you for some weeks. It has left me with
a troublesome cough, I shall be well when that leaves me."
I felt constrained; uncertain what to say. Since her recovery was
doubtful I shrank from encouraging her in a false hope, and I could not
tell her that we all thought she must soon die. She soon noticed my
constraint, and began to rally me.
"Is it on account of Mr. Winthrop's absence you are looking so
sorrowful?" she asked.
"I was not thinking of him, but of you alone."
"That is kind, but I am not flattered. I did not think I was such a
gloomy object for reflection."
"I was only sorry to see you looking so frail, and wishing I could help
you," I said, gently.
"If you only could, I would very soon discharge those useless doctors;
they are all alike, I believe; for I have tried each one of them in turn,
and they none of them have done much for me."
"I do not think there is so much difference in doctors as people imagine,
if they but learn the nature of the disease, they all know the proper
remedies to use."
"That is poor consolation for me, I know if I had a good physician I
would be well in a few days; but the trouble with those who have attended
me is, they do not understand my case and do not administer the proper
remedies."
"Nature is an excellent healer herself. If wisely assisted, she soon
works the miracle of healing, unless,--" I hesitated.
"Unless what?" she asked sharply.
"God has willed otherwise."
"I cannot listen to such words, I am not going to die until I am old. Oh,
why must we grow old and die at last? it was a cruel way to create us."
"The other world seemed so beautiful to me when I was so sick, I scarcely
wanted to come back to this."
"Well, it seems just the reverse to me, I lie awake at night and shudder
when I think of death and the grave. It makes me shudder now in the
sunshine, and with you smiling down so kindly at me. Please to never
mention such things to me again."
I felt grieved; for then my task in coming here would be a vain one.
Day by day as I came to see her, the hectic flush in her cheek kept
deepening, and the eyes grew brighter and more sorrowful, while she grew
gradually weaker.
Very soon the pretty parlor was vacated, while her bed was the only
comfortable resting-place. She was anxious to have me come, and the nurse
said she counted the hours between my departure and return. Her eagerness
to have me read to her puzzled me at first, especially since she was
indifferent as to what I read, but after a while I found that she prized
my reading merely because it acted as a sedative. During the night sleep
usually forsook her; but when I left she was generally sleeping
peacefully. She permitted me to read the Bible as much as I chose. One
day she explained the reason for her indifference in the matter:--
"I do not wish to get interested in anything you read, for then I would
keep awake to listen; but the sleep you bring me is better than all my
medicine, I set nurse reading to me one day; but her voice was
uncultivated, and her emphasis intolerable I should soon be well if you
would read to me all the time."
"I never heard of any one getting raised from a sick-bed by so simple a
remedy."
"You do not try to encourage me," she said, fretfully.
I read on to her day after day until my voice grew husky, and the mere
act of speaking often wearied me.
We all saw the end was rapidly approaching, but no one had the courage to
tell her. She got so angry with me one day when I suggested bringing Mr.
Lathrop to visit her, that I slipped quietly away to escape the storm I
had raised. I used to go and return with a sense of defeat that paralyzed
all hopeful enthusiasm, and fearing that Mr. Winthrop's displeasure had
probably been a second time incurred, without any corresponding gain to
debit the loss.