_Flirts, Male and Female--He Changes his Mind on the Verge of a
Proposal--How She accepts the Situation--How She may give
Encouragement or ward off an Unwelcome Offer._
It may be questioned whether there is any etiquette in flirtation.
Yes, I think there is. Flirts of both sexes may be divided into two
large classes--(1) the wanton and deliberate; (2) the kindly and
spontaneous.
Flirts.
The first class are birds of prey. The man is probably very charming,
a delightful companion, an ideal cavalier, a man whose society a woman
always enjoys--especially if she does not take him seriously. It is
she who fails to realise that she is only one of a large number who
fall victims and suffer accordingly. She blissfully accepts his subtle
suggestion that she is _the_ one woman in the world for him--so she is
while they are together--and flatters herself that though he may have
flirted with others he is really in love with her. When once the sport
of the moment is over he leaves his prey, more or less cruelly
wounded, and gaily seeks new fields for his prowess. This sort of man
likes young and inexperienced girls or women whose confiding trust
exceeds their power of discernment.
It is an unpardonable breach of etiquette for a man to abuse
hospitality and the privilege of intercourse by wanton conduct of this
kind.
Making a Girl Conspicuous.
A man should remember that it is the woman who suffers from the breath
of slander or the pettiness of gossip. Such {37} things affect him but
little, if at all. Suppose that two young people belong to a public
tennis or dramatic club. The man singles out one particular girl by
his attentions, makes a point of always seeing her home, establishes
himself as her constant cavalier, and thus puts it in the power of the
gossips to say "Well, if they are not engaged they ought to be!" After
a time he cools off, for no other reason than that he is tired of the
girl or has possibly seen a fresh and more attractive face. It may
have dawned upon him that he might be asked his intentions, and he
does not care to confess that he never had any. This course of action
is especially unfair in the case of a young girl whose experience of
men's ways is but beginning. An older woman ought to be able to take
care of herself, and if she thinks such a game worth the candle, no
one can blame the man for helping her to play it.
The Female Flirt.
A woman in the first class of flirts is possibly more dangerous than
the man. She has no heart, only insatiable vanity. She uses her powers
on all who come in her way, regardless of any claim another of her sex
may have upon them. Lover, husband, and friend, they are all fair game
for her, and if hearts are damaged, well, she is always sure that her
own will remain intact. Her veracity is as elastic as her conscience.
Her charms are equalled by her unscrupulousness.
She will keep the youth in bondage without the slightest intention of
ever marrying him. She will fool the mature man who is desperately in
earnest, while she is angling after some one wealthier or more
amusing. If she does elect to wed one of her victims, it is, in all
probability, only to carry out her devastating tactics on a larger
scale.
Kindly, Spontaneous Flirts.
The members of the second class, men and women, are charming without
being dangerous. They love the society of the other sex; they have the
art of pleasing and make use of it, but they play the game fairly.
There is no poaching, no snares are laid for the unwary, and if harm
is done it is because people have misunderstood them. The man flirts
because he loves {38} to say pretty things to a woman. He revels in an
interchange of banter and repartee which makes her eyes sparkle and
his pulses beat the faster. The girl flirts out of the abundance of
her joyous vitality. She suits herself to the companion of the hour.
She knows nothing of the tender passion, she is not taking life quite
seriously yet, but she has the delicacy to draw back when she sees
danger signals in the eyes or the lingering clasp of her friend's
hand. She will not make a fool of him. She is too straight for that.
Withdrawing Gracefully.
It is no easy matter to change the course of things when one has
drifted into a flirtation. It behoves a girl then to choose her man
carefully, and not to place herself in any false position towards him.
If he is not chivalrous enough to take a delicately conveyed hint, he
will only imagine that she is playing a more subtle game of coquetry,
and by redoubling his attentions make himself the reverse of
agreeable. No man with any regard for the most elementary rules of
etiquette would either embarrass a lady by keeping up a tone that she
had even indirectly discouraged, or insult her by insinuating that she
had led him on.
He Changes his Mind on the Verge of a Proposal.
This is bound to be an awkward development for both parties, and it
will take all a man's tact to avoid giving pain, and possibly gaining
credit for having behaved badly. It is, nevertheless, the best time
for a change to come. It may be that he has idealised the object of
his attentions, looked at her through eyes blinded by her beauty, or
dazzled by her fascination. He has not stopped to think what sort of
woman she really is, what lies beneath that fair exterior. Then the
word is spoken, the action witnessed, the mood revealed which makes
him shrink from the thought of making her his wife.
His Way of Escape.
He will either seek safety in flight after a perfectly polite, but
clearly-defined farewell; or he will gradually withdraw {39} from the
terms of intimacy upon which he has stood. In no way must he be
discourteous either to the lady or her friends.
Slow Awakening.
A man may change his mind almost imperceptibly. He will not turn
against the woman, but he will realise that she can never be more to
him than a friend, a genial chum. The cause of this is most likely the
advent of the right woman. Force of contrast has a way of sorting
people out. He will tell his friend the truth, and she will like him
all the better for his confidence in her.
How She Accepts the Situation.
A brave, self-respecting woman will not like being left any more than
her weaker sister, but she will take the blow standing, and be able to
rejoice in the happiness of others. She will face her own sorrow alone
and will utter no sound of complaint. It is an impertinence for
acquaintances to condole with her. The sympathy of her loved ones will
be hard enough to bear. She will be perfectly loyal to the woman her
friend has chosen.
How She may give Encouragement.
There are women who leave the men very little to do in the way of
courtship. Encouragement can, however, he given in a true womanly
fashion. She can wear his flowers in preference to any others, and may
judiciously let him see that she has kept the best in water after the
dance. She will accept his escort and receive his attentions
graciously, so as to show that they are valued.
Due Reserve.
She should never bestow effusive attentions on her lover, nor boast of
his devotion to her. She may let him see that he stands well with her
without telling him that he comes first. It is good for him to see
that other men are in the running, and she must not let her feeling
for him lead her into {40} discourtesy to any one else. She can let him
do the wooing without being either haughty or capricious, for no man
likes a woman who openly runs after him.
Transparent Devices.
A nice-minded girl does not always try to detach her lover from the
rest of the company, though she enjoys a _tete-a-tete_ as much as he
does. She does not want to be sent with him on fictitious errands to
the bottom of the garden. She leaves him to find the opportunities,
and has a horror of her matchmaking relations.
How She may Ward off an Unwelcome Offer.
It is commonly agreed that a woman ought to be able to do this in the
vast majority of cases. Her own intuition is seldom at fault. Even at
the eleventh hour she may save the situation by a timely jest, a
kindly bit of inconsequence, a sudden humorous inspiration--not at his
expense, of course--and the man who is not a fool will see that it is not
the psychological moment. Above all she must avoid being alone with him.
Let her keep a child at her side, pay attention to the greatest bore,
listen with grateful patience to the most prosy person she knows, rather
than leave the ground clear for him. She should not go for moonlight
strolls, nor to look for the Southern Cross on board ship, if she really
wants to stave off his proposal. There is no need to be rude, and even
if she has to appear unsympathetic, that is better than to humiliate him
by a rejection. Some women glory over their hapless suitors as an Indian
counts his scalps. This is the height of bad taste and heartlessness.
We may be forgiven for hoping that they get left in the end themselves.
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