[FROM KÖNIGSMARCK TO SOPHIA DOROTHEA]
[1693.]
I am much to be pitied, and my ill-fortune persecutes me too much
for me to be able to bear it any longer. Yesterday’s letters give
us no hope that the Ref[ormer] may take his departure; and until
he has gone I cannot and ought not to see you. What a cruel
destiny! oh, insupportable misfortune! Can I still breathe after
such heavy blows; life becomes insupportable to me; I cannot, nor
ought I to, remain any longer in the world, for what can I do in
it without seeing you! I have to-day had two unfortunate
experiences, of which at present the second seems to me the most
cruel, but the first may prove the most terrible. I have fallen
out with our old _bonhomme_, and with Gor too; and, as he told
you, if I were to repeat it to those with whom his Highness is
displeased, they would be much astonished. Apart from my passion
[for you], I know what course I have to take; but, my dear, as I
have promised you to do nothing without your consent, I wish to
let you know about it beforehand. My intention is to write to him,
and to say to him that I was very much annoyed that duty had
involved me in a dispute with the person in the world whom I
honour most; but, as I had carefully taken note of the words he
addressed to me, I had observed at the time that he said [that] if
I repeated [it] to all those whom our master holds in contempt,
there would be many who would be undeceived; I thought that your
Excellency would not be offended, if I asked you to be good enough
to inform me privately, whether I am unfortunate enough to have
displeased Monseigneur the Elector—in order that I might shape my
course accordingly. For hitherto I had served him from affection
only, and without any interested motive; and, if I was unfortunate
enough to have incurred his disfavour, it would be impossible for
me to serve him any longer.[248] This was, in substance, what I
wished to say to him, being aware of your opinion. I can assure
you that I positively perceived that his rage directed itself
against me. I am surprised at my own patience, and I cannot
understand how I managed to control myself, for I had it very
often on the tip of my tongue to say to him what I intend to write
to him. The second misfortune troubles me a great deal more. I saw
your windows open; the Ref[ormer] came out of your dressing-room;
without [my] seeing you there, though I raised my voice tolerably
high, and passed and repassed; but there was nothing—one could not
see a living soul there. I suppose that, as it was late, you were
already in the room of the _Romaine_. I should be inconsolable, if
I had not the hope of seeing you this evening at 6 o’clock. To
what am I reduced! I count it the greatest good fortune in the
world to see you a thousand feet off. In good truth, it will be a
great consolation to me if I can have this pleasure. That of
writing to you is very dear to me, and I would not give it up for
a Kingdom. I fear that my Diabolical destiny will deprive me of
it; this would be my finishing stroke. I conjure you, take your
measures so well that we may not miss this joy. You know, I hope,
through your own self that one would not be able to live without
this. Alas! why am I not Reden or Hortense[249]; so long as you
are there, it matters not if you were to hate me. I shall,
however, have the joy of seeing her whom I adore; it is our love
which takes the one far away from the other; without my love, I
should be wherever you are; but because I love you I am in bad
repute, I am disregarded, I am forgotten. But never mind; let them
spit in my face, I will not take offence at it.
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Footnote 248:
The meaning of this passage is hopelessly obscured in the original
by the wild use of brackets, and by a reckless interchange between
_oratio obliqua_ and _directa_, and the second and third persons.
Footnote 249:
Von Reden was Chamberlain to the Electress Sophia. ‘Hortense’ is
the Abbé Hortensio Mauro, mentioned in Chapter III. In her
letters, the Electress often refers to him as ‘Ortence.’
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