Cole's Electro-micro Scolding Machine is a combination of three
instruments, the Phonograph, the Microphone, and the Wonderphone.
The Phonograph is an instrument that will preserve words for any
length of time. Any person can speak, sing, whistle, or scold into a
Phonograph, and months or years afterwards by simply turning a handle
the same sounds can be reproduced a dozen, a hundred, or a thousand
times in the exact voice of the person who spoke them in; so that if
a man or a woman, who is a great scold, speak some good, loud, severe
scolding into a Phonograph, the mildest teacher can then scold her
pupils, or the kindest mother her children, just by turning the
handle.
The Microphone is an instrument that magnifies sound in the same way
as a microscope magnifies objects; a very powerful microphone
magnifies the sound of a fly walking into a loud tramping footstep,
the tick of a watch into a deafening clatter, and a whisper into a
loud shout. Take a Microphone, then properly affix it to the
Phonograph described above, and you have a good Scolding Machine;
turn the handle, and as the Phonograph gives out the scoldings, the
microphone part magnifies them so loudly that they are heard for a
considerable distance.
The Wonderphone (Cole's own secret) is another remarkable instrument;
it will cause sound to travel very distinctly, but frightfully and
equally loud, for forty miles in all directions; by attaching this
powerful instrument to the combination of the other two, Cole's
Electro-micro Scolding Machine is formed--and which is the first
Scolding Machine ever invented. If the machine is already _charged_
by having had some scolding spoken, or even whispered into it, give
the handle a turn, and forty miles to the east, forty miles to the
west, forty to the north, forty to the south, forty up in the sky,
and down in the mines forty miles deep, in fact forty miles in every
direction, everybody can clearly hear every word being said to the
girl being scolded. Suppose for instance, Hannah Maria Smith had done
something wrong in school, the schoolmistress could give the handle
of the machine a turn, and it would scold her so loudly that her
mother, and father, and brothers, and sisters, and uncles, and aunts,
and friends, and those she didn't like would all hear her scolded.
The machine can be charged on the instant by anyone scolding into it.
In fact the whole value of Cole's Scolding Machine lies in its power
to repeat out exceedingly loud whatever is spoken into it.
If the schoolmistress chooses she can put the scolding into verse, so
that all who hear it in the forty miles around, can more easily
remember it. The machine that I have before me now, was charged this
morning for an aristocratic school and speaks as follows:--Silence!!
Attention!!!
Ada Alice Arabella Angelina Andal,
Why do you talk for ever, such a tittle-tattling scandal?
Betsy Bertha Bridget Belinda Bowing,
Will you be quiet and go on with your sewing?
Cora Caroline Christina Clarinda Clare,
Now do look in the glass at your untidy hair.
Dorah Dinah Dorothy Dorinda Dresson,
You really must get on with your short drawing lesson.
Edith Ellen Evelina Elizabeth Eadle,
This makes this day your nineteenth broken needle.
Fanny Florence Frederica Florinda Flynn,
How cruel of you to prick Jane with a pin.
Grace Gertrude Genevieve Georgina Grimble,
You careless girl to lose your silver thimble.
Hilda Hanna Harriet Henrietta Hawker,
You really are a most inveterate talker.
Ida Izod Irene Isabella Inching,
You spiteful--stop that scratching and pinching.
Jane Julia Josephine Jemima Jesson,
Sit down at once and learn your music lesson.
Kate Kester Katrina Kathleen Kent,
You're vulgar, saucy, rude and insolent.
Lizzie Letitia Lucretia Lorinda Loeries,
You're the champion of the world for telling stories.
Maud Mary Martha Matilda Moyes,
Sends letters to, and flirts with, naughty boys.
Nancy Nelly Ninette Naomi Nations,
Shame of you to talk 'gainst other girls' relations.
Olive Osberta Orphelia Octavia O'Dyke,
Your conduct is outrageous and unladylike.
Polly Patience Prudence Paulina Pitt,
You really are our champion tell-tale-tit.
Quilla Quintina Quinburga Quendrida Quirk,
How very, very, dirty you have made your fancy-work.
Rose Ruth Rachel Rebecca Ritting,
Now stop that crying and get on with your knitting.
Sarah Sophia Selina Susannah Stacies,
Don't spoil your face by making those grimaces.
Tilda Theresa Tabitha Theodora Tapping,
You'd gain the prize if one was given for slapping.
Una Ursula Urica Urania Urls,
You'd gain the prize for teasing little girls.
Venus Violet Victoria Veronica Vo-shi,
Just learn your task and put away that crochet.
Wilmett Walberg Winefride Wilhelmina Wriggling,
Now once for all do stop that stupid giggling.
Xenodice Xanthippe Xanthisa Xenophona X-cess,
You think and talk of nothing else but dress! dress!
Yana Yulga Yapeena Yestina Young,
Will you behave yourself and just draw in your tongue.
And lastly and worst of all, you,
Zoe Zora Zillah Zenobia Zeen,
How dare you! how dare you!! yes, how dare you!!!
Sneer at the boy's new whipping Machine.