THE WORLD.
PICCADILLY, _May_.
The great difficulty which I find in this record of my eventful
existence is, that I have too much to say. The sensations of my life
will not distribute themselves properly. It is quite impossible for me
to cram all that I think, say, and do every month into the limited space
at my disposal. Thus I am positively overwhelmed with the brilliant
dialogues, the elevating reflections, and the thrilling incidents, all
of which I desire to relate. No one who has not tried this sort of thing
can imagine the chronological, to say nothing of the crinological,
difficulties in which I find myself. For instance, the incidents which
occupied the whole of my last chapter took place in twenty-four hours,
and yet how could I have left out either the poison-scene, or my
interview with Grandon, or Spiffy's interesting social projects? Much
better have left out the poison-scene, say some of my critical friends.
It was not natural--too grotesque; but is that my fault? If nature has
jammed me into a most unnatural and uncomfortable niche in that single
step which is said to lead from the sublime to the ridiculous, am I
responsible for it? If, instead of taking merely a serio-comic view of
life, like some of my acquaintances, I regard it from a tragic-burlesque
aspect, how can I help it? I did not put my ideas into my own head, nor
invent the extraordinary things that happen to me,--and this is the
reflection which renders me so profoundly indifferent to criticism. I
shall have reviewers finding out that I am inconsistent with myself, and
not true to nature here--as, for instance, when I fell violently in love
with Ursula in one evening; or to the first principles of art there--as
when I wrote to propose to her next morning: as if both art and nature
could not take care of themselves without my bothering my head about
them. Once for all, then, my difficulties do not arise from this source
at all; they are, as I have said before, of the most simple character.
In fact, they resolve themselves into Kant's two great _a priori_ ideas,
time and space. Now I could quite easily run on in the moral reflective
vein to the end of the chapter, but then what should I do with the
conversations which I ought to record, but to which I shall not be able
to do justice, because I am so bound and fettered by the chain of my
narrative? What an idea of weakness it conveys of an author who talks of
"the thread of his narrative!" I even used to feel it when I was in the
diplomatic service, and received a severe "wigging" once for writing in
one of my despatches, "My lord, I have the honour to resume the 'tape'
of my narrative"--so wedded is the Foreign Office to the traditions of
its own peculiar style. I was glad afterwards they kept me to "the
thread," as when I wanted finally to break it I found no difficulty. By
the way, after I have done with society, I am going to take up the
departments of the public service. If I let them alone just now, it is
only because I am so desperately in love, and my love is so desperately
hopeless; and the whole thing is in such a mess, that one mess is
enough. At present I am setting my dwelling-house in order. When that is
done I will go to work to clean out the "offices."
[Illustration]
I may also allude here to another somewhat embarrassing circumstance
which, had I not the good of my fellow-creatures at heart, might
interfere with the progress of my narrative; and this is the morbid
satisfaction which it seems to afford some people to claim for
themselves the credit of being the most disagreeable or unworthy of
those individuals with whom I am at present in contact. They would
pretend, for instance, that there is no such person in society as
Spiffington Goldtip, but that I mean him to represent some one else; and
they take the 'Court Guide,' and find that no Lady Broadhem lives in
Grosvenor Square, so they suppose that she too stands for some one else
who does. Now, if I hear much of this sort of thing I shall stop
altogether. In the first place, neither Spiffy nor Lady Broadhem will
like it; and in the second, it is very disagreeable to me to be supposed
to caricature my acquaintances under false names. The cap is made a
great deal too large to fit any particular individual, so there is no
use in trying it on; but when, perchance, I find groups of people acting
unworthily, I should be falling into the same error for which I blame
the parsonic body of the present day, if I shrank from exposing and
cutting straight into the sores that they are fain to plaster and
conceal. In these days of amateur preaching in theatres and other
unconsecrated buildings, I feel I owe no apology to my clerical brethren
for taking their congregations in hand after they have quite done with
them.
People may call me a "physician" or any other name they like, and tell
me to heal myself; but it is quite clear that a sick physician who needs
rest, and yet devotes all his time and energies to the curing of his
neighbours, is a far more unselfish individual than one who waits to do
it till he is robust. Therefore, if I am caught doing myself the very
things I find fault with in others, "that has nothing at all to do with
it," as Lady Broadhem always says when all her arguments are exhausted.
Those of my readers who have taken an interest in her ladyship's
speculations and in my endeavours to extricate her from her pecuniary
embarrassments, may conceive our feelings upon hearing of the surrender
of General Lee. I regret to say that, in spite of every device which the
experience of Spiffy, of Lady Broadhem's lawyer, and of Lady B. herself
could suggest, her liabilities have increased to such an extent in
consequence of the rapid fall of Confederate stock, that I was obliged
to take advantage of the Easter recess to run over to Ireland to make
arrangements for selling an extremely encumbered estate which I
purchased as a speculation some years ago, but have never before
visited. This trip has given me an opportunity of enabling me thoroughly
to master the Irish question. I need scarcely say how much I was
surprised at the prosperous condition of the peasants of Connemara after
the accounts I had received of them. When I "surveyed" my own estate,
which consists of seven miles of uninterrupted rock, I regarded with
admiration the population who could find the means of subsistence upon
it, and whose rags were frequently of a very superior quality. I also
felt how creditable it was to the British Government, that by a
judicious system of legislation it should succeed in keeping people
comparatively happy and contented, whose principal occupation seemed to
me to consist in wading about the sea-beach looking for sea-weed, and
whose diet was composed of what they found there. That every Irishman I
met should expect me to lament with him the decrease by emigration in
the population of a nation which subsists chiefly on peat and
periwinkles, illustrated in a striking manner the indifference which the
individuals of this singular race have for each other's sufferings; and
it is quite a mistake, therefore, to suppose that absentee landlords,
who are for the most part Irish, live away from their properties because
they are so susceptible to the sight of distress that they cannot bear
to look upon their own tenantry. To an Englishman nothing is more
consoling than to feel that the Irish question is essentially an Irish
question, and that Englishmen have nothing at all to do with it--that
the tenant-right question is one between Irish landlords and Irish
tenants--that the religious question is one between Irish Catholics and
Irish Protestants--and that the reason that no Englishman can understand
them is, because they are Irish, and inverted brains would be necessary
to their comprehension. These considerations impressed themselves
forcibly upon my notice at a meeting of the National League, which I
attended in Dublin, the object of which was to secure the national
independence of Ireland, and to free it from the tyranny of British
rule. One of the speakers made out so strong a case for England, that I
could only account for it by the fact that he was an Irishman arguing
the case of his own country. "How," he asked, "is the English Parliament
to know our grievances, when out of 105 members that we send up to it,
there are not two who are honest? Why is not the O'Donoghue in the chair
to-day? he is the only real patriot, and we can't trust him. Why are the
Irish Protestants not true to themselves and the cause? Why, in fact, is
there not a single man of the smallest position and influence either on
the platform or in the body of the house, except myself, who am a
magistrate of the county of Cork, and therefore unable to advocate those
violent measures by which alone our liberties are to be gained? Is it
because we have got them already? No; but because Irishmen do not care a
farthing about them. Shame on them for their apathy," &c. It was
pleasant to listen to this Irish patriot inveighing against his
countrymen, and finally making England responsible for Irishmen being
what they are. Bless them! my heart warmed towards them as I saw them at
Queenstown trooping on board an emigrant-ship, looking ruddy and
prosperous, bound on the useful errand of propagating Fenianism, of
exhibiting themselves as choice specimens of an oppressed nationality,
and of devoting their brilliant political instincts, their indefatigable
industry, and their judicial calmness, to the service of that country
which is at present in danger of suffering from a determination of blood
to the head in the person of Andy Johnson. If anything can trim that
somewhat crank craft "United States," let us hope that it will be by
taking in Irishmen at the rate of one thousand per week to serve as
ballast; for most certainly the best means of increasing the sailing
qualities of the leaky old tub, "British Constitution," will be by
inducing the ballast aforesaid to throw itself overboard. I was pitching
and rolling abominably between Kingston and Holyhead as I drew this
appropriate nautical parallel, and was not in a mood to relish the
following announcement, which appeared in the pages of a fashionable
organ, that happened to be the first journal I bought in England:--
"We are in a position to state that a marriage is arranged between Lord
Frank Vanecourt, M.P., second son of the late Duke of Dunderhead, and
Lady Ursula Newlyte, eldest daughter of the late Earl of Broadhem."
How I envied "our position," and what a very different one mine was!
However, the notice served its purpose, for it prepared me for what I
should have to encounter in London--the sort of running fire of
congratulation I must expect to undergo all along Piccadilly, down St
James's Street, and along Pall Mall. Should I simper a coy admission, or
storm out an indignant denial? On the whole, the most judicious line
seemed to be to do each alternately. The prospect of puzzling the
gossip-mongers generally almost consoled me for the feeling of extreme
annoyance which I had experienced. "The imbroglio must clear itself at
last," thought I, "but it will be a curious amusement to see how long I
can keep it from doing so;" and I bought an evening paper as I
approached London, by way of distracting my mind. The first news which
thrilled me as I opened it was the announcement of the assassination of
President Lincoln. I am not going to moralise on this event now, and
only allude to it as it affects the story of my own life. It saved me
that evening from the embarrassment I had anticipated; for even when I
went to the Cosmopolitan, I found everybody listening to Mr Wog, so that
nobody cared about my private affairs, and it induced Lady Broadhem to
make a secret expedition into the City of a speculative nature next
morning, as I accidentally discovered from Spiffy. It is not impossible
that the knowledge of this breach of faith on her part may prove a
valuable piece of information to me.
I sauntered into "the Piccadilly" on the following afternoon, armed at
all points, and approached the bay-window, in which I observed Broadhem
and several others seated round the table, with the utmost
_insouciance_. They had evidently just talked my matter over, for my
appearance caused a momentary pause, and then a general chorus of
greeting. Broadhem, with an air of charming _naivete_ and brotherly
regard, almost rushed into my arms; but his presence restrained that
general expression of frank opinion on the part of the rest of the
company, with reference to my luck, with which the fortunate _fiance_ is
generally greeted. Still, the characters of my different so-called
"friends," and their forms of congratulation, were amusing to watch.
There was the patronising, rather elderly style--"My dear Vanecourt, I
can't tell you how happy the news has made me. I was just saying to
Broadhem,"--and so on; then the free and easy "Frank, old fellow" and
"slap on the back" style; then the "knowing shot" and "poke in the ribs"
style; then the "feelings too much for me" style--severe pressure of the
hands, and silence, accompanied by upturned eyes; then the "serious
change of state and heavy responsibilities" style. Oh, I know them all,
and am thankful to say the peculiar versatility of my talents enabled me
to give as many different answers as there are styles. I am not such a
fool as not to know exactly what all my friends said of the match behind
my back: "Sharp old woman, Lady Broadhem; she'll make that flat, Frank
Vanecourt, pay all the Broadhem debts;" or, "Odd thing it is that such a
nice girl as Ursula Newlyte should throw herself away on such a maniac
as Frank Vanecourt;" then, "Oh, she'd marry anybody to get away from
such a mother;" again, "I always thought Vanecourt a fool, but I never
supposed he would have deliberately submitted to be bled by the
Broadhems." That is the sort of thing that will go on with variations in
every drawing-room in London for the next few evenings. Now I am
striking out quite a new line to meet the humbug, the hypocrisy, the
scandal, and the ill-nature of which both Ursula and myself are the
subjects. Thus, when Broadhem greeted me in the presence of the company,
after I had received their congratulations with a good deal of ambiguous
embarrassment, I appeared to be a little overcome, and, linking my arm
in that of my future brother-in-law, walked him out of the room. "My
dear Broadhem," said I, "for reasons which it is not necessary for me
now to enter into, but which are connected with the pecuniary
arrangements I am making to put your family matters straight, this
announcement is a most unfortunate occurrence--we must take measures to
contradict it immediately."
"Why," said Broadhem, "if it is the case, as you know it is, I don't see
the harm of announcing it. To tell you the truth, I think it ought to
have been announced sooner, and that you have been putting Ursula lately
in rather a false position, by seeming to avoid her so much in society,
because, you know, it has been talked of for some time past."
"Ah, then, I fancy the announcement was made on your authority," I said.
"It is a pity, as I had made up my mind to postpone the ceremony until I
had not only completed all my arrangements for putting your family
matters square, but could actually see my way towards gradually clearing
off the more pressing liabilities with which the estate is encumbered.
You know what a crotchety fellow I am. Now, my plan is, clear everything
off first, and marry afterwards; and unless you positively contradict
the report of my marriage with your sister, I shall immediately
countermand the instructions under which my lawyers are acting, and take
no further steps whatever in the matter." I felt a malicious pleasure in
watching Broadhem's face during this speech, as I was sure that he had
done his best to spread the report of my marriage with his sister for
fear of my backing out, and escaping from my obligations in respect to
his financial embarrassments. It is only fair to him to state, that
these were none of his own creating--he had been a perfect model of
steadiness all his life. "It will be pleasanter for us both," I went on,
"that the world should never be able to say, after my marriage with your
sister, that you and your mother continue to live upon us. Now, I tell
you fairly, that, for family reasons, this premature announcement
renders it impossible for me to proceed with those arrangements which
must precede my connection with your family."
Broadhem's face grew very long while he listened to this speech. "But,"
he said, "it is not fair to Ursula that everybody should suppose that
you are engaged to her, and refuse to acknowledge it."
"Pray, whose fault is it," said I, "that anybody supposes anything about
it? I have never told a soul that I was engaged to be married, and if
you and your mother choose to go spreading unauthorised reports, you
must take the consequences; but"--and a sudden inspiration flashed upon
me--"I will tell you what I will do, I will be guided entirely by Lady
Ursula's wishes in the matter. If she wishes the report contradicted, I
must insist most peremptorily on both Lady Broadhem and yourself taking
the necessary steps to stop the public gossip; but if she is willing
that the marriage should be announced, I pledge you my word that I will
allow no preconceived plans to influence me, or pecuniary difficulties
to stand in the way, but will do whatever she, your mother, and yourself
wish."
"Very well," said Broadhem, "that sounds fair enough. I'll go and see
Ursula at once."
"Not quite so fast; please take me with you," I said. "As it is a matter
most closely affecting my future happiness, I must be present at the
interview, and so must Lady Broadhem."
"I don't think that is an arrangement which will suit Ursula at all. In
fact, both she and my mother are so incomprehensible and mysterious,
that I am sure they will object to any such meeting. Whenever I have
spoken to my mother about it, she always meets me with, 'For goodness'
sake, don't breathe a word to Ursula, or you will spoil all;' and when,
in defiance of this injunction, I did speak to Ursula, she said, in a
lackadaisical way, that she had no intention of marrying any one at
present; and when I went on to say that in that case she had no business
to accept you, she asked me what reason I had for supposing that she
ever had done so; and when I said, 'the assurance of my mother's ears in
the drawing-room at Dickiefield,' she stared at me with amazement, and
burst into a flood of tears."
"Under these circumstances, don't you think you would have done better
not to meddle in the matter at all?" I remarked. "However, the mischief
is done now, and perhaps the best plan will be for you to bring about a
meeting between your sister and myself. I suppose whatever we arrange
will satisfy you and Lady Broadhem?"
"Well, I don't know," said Broadhem, doubtfully; "she does not seem to
know her own mind, and I don't feel very sure of you. However, you are
master of the situation, and can arrange what you like. My mother is
going to a May meeting at Exeter Hall to-morrow to hear Caribbee Islands
and Chundango hold forth. I know the latter is to call for her at
eleven, so if you will come at half-past, I will take care that you have
an opportunity of seeing Ursula alone."
This conversation took place as we were strolling arm-in-arm down St
James's Street on our way to the House, thereby enabling the groups of
our friends who inspected us from divers club-windows to assert
confidently the truth of the report.
Just as I was parting from Broadhem at the door of the lobby we were
accosted suddenly by Grandon. He looked very pale as he grasped my hand
and nodded to my companion, who walked off towards "another place"
without waiting for a further greeting. "I suppose, now that your
marriage is publicly announced, Frank, it need no longer be a tabooed
subject between us, and that you will receive my congratulations."
My first impulse was to assure him that the announcement was
unauthorised so far as I was concerned, but the prospect of the
impending interview with Ursula restrained me, and I felt completely at
a loss. "Don't you think, Grandon," I said, "that I should have told you
as much as gossip tells the public, had I felt myself entitled to do so?
I only ask you to trust me for another twenty-four hours, and I will
tell you everything."
Grandon looked stern. "You are bound not to allow the report to go one
moment uncontradicted if there is nothing in it; and if there is, you
are now equally bound to acknowledge it."
"Surely," I said, in rather a piqued tone, "Broadhem is as much
interested in the matter as you are, and he is satisfied with my
conduct."
"I tell you fairly I am not," said Grandon. "You will do Lady Ursula a
great injustice, and yourself a great injury, if you persist in a course
which is distinctly dishonourable."
At that moment who should come swaggering across the lobby where we
happened to be standing but Larkington and Dick Helter! "Well, Frank,
when is it to be?" said the latter. "You were determined to take the
world by surprise, and I must congratulate you on your success."
"Thanks," said I, calmly, for I was smarting under Grandon's last words:
"the day is not yet fixed. What between Lady Broadhem's scruples about
Lent and some arrangements I had to make in Ireland, there has been a
good deal of delay, but I think," I went on, with a slight simper, "that
it has nearly come to an end."
"There," said I to Grandon, when they had favoured me with a few
_banalites_, and passed on, "that is explicit enough, surely; will that
satisfy you, or do you like this style better?" and I turned to receive
Bower and Scraper, who generally hunt tufts and scandal in couples, and
were advancing towards us with much _empressement_.
"My dear Lord Frank, charmed to see you; no wonder you are looking
beaming, for you are the luckiest man in London," said Bower.
"How so?" said I, looking unconscious.
"Come, come," said Scraper, and he winked at me respectfully; "we have
known all about it for the last two months. I got it out of Lord
Broadhem very early in the day."
"Then you got a most deliberate and atrocious fabrication, for I suppose
you mean the report of my marriage to his sister, and I beg you will
contradict it most emphatically whenever you hear it," said I, very
stiffly. And I walked on into the House, leaving Grandon more petrified
than the two little toadies I had snubbed. I can generally listen to
Gladstone when he is engaged in keeping the House in suspense over the
results of his arithmetical calculations; but the relative merits of a
reduction of the tax on tea and on malt fell flat on my ears that
evening, and even the consideration of twopence in the pound off the
income-tax failed to exercise that soothing influence on my mind which
it seemed to produce on those around. I looked in vain for Grandon; his
accustomed seat remained empty, and I felt deeply penitent and
miserable. What is there in my nature that prompts me, when I am trying
to act honestly and nobly, to be impracticable and perverse? Grandon
could not know the extent of the complication in which I am involved,
and was right in saying what he did; yet I could no more at the moment
help resenting it as I did, than a man in a passion who is struck can
help returning the blow. Then the fertility and readiness of invention
which the demon of perverseness that haunts me invariably displays,
fairly puzzles me. And you too, I thought, as I looked up and saw little
Scraper whispering eagerly to Dick Helter, who was regarding me with a
bewildered look, quite unconscious that the Chancellor of the Exchequer
had become poetical in regard to rags, and was announcing that we were
about
"To serve as model for the mighty world,
And be the fair beginning of a time,"
--"ah," thought I, as I gazed on that brilliant and ingenious orator,
"he is the only man in the House, who, if he was in such a mess as I am,
would find a way out of it."
My first impulse on the following morning, before going to Grosvenor
Square, was to go and apologise to Grandon; and I had an additional
reason for doing so after reading the following paragraph in the
'Morning Post':--
"The Earl and Countess of Whitechapel had the honour of entertaining at
dinner last night the Marquess and Marchioness of Scilly, the Countess
(Dowager) of Broadhem, the Earl of Broadhem and Lady Ursula Newlyte, Mr
and Lady Jane Helter, Lord Grandon, the Honourable Spiffington Goldtip,
and Mr Scraper."
To have made it thoroughly unlucky I ought to have been there as a
thirteenth. As it is, I wonder what conclusion the company in general
arrived at in reference to the affair in which I am so nearly
interested, and I told them off in the order in which they must have
gone in to dinner. The Scillys and Whitechapels paired off; Helter took
down old Lady Broadhem; Broadhem took Lady Jane; Grandon, Lady Ursula;
and Spiffy and Scraper brought up the rear. I pictured the delight with
which Helter would mystify Lady Broadhem, by allowing her to extract
from him what he had heard first from me and then from Scraper, and how
Spiffy and Scraper would each pretend to have the right version of the
story, and be best informed on this important matter. All this was easy
enough, but my imagination failed to suggest what probably passed
between Grandon and Ursula; so I screwed up my courage and determined to
go up to Grandon's room and find out We often used to breakfast
together, and I sent up my servant to tell him to expect me. Under the
circumstances I thought it right to give him the opportunity of refusing
to see me, but I knew him too well to think that he would take advantage
of it.
He was sitting at his writing-table looking pale and haggard, as I
entered, and turned wearily towards me with an air of reserve very
foreign to his nature.
"My dear Grandon," I said, "I have come to apologise to you for my
unjustifiable conduct yesterday, but you cannot conceive the worry and
annoyance to which I have been subject by the impertinent curiosity and
unwarrantable interference of the world in my private affairs. When you
told me I was acting dishonourably, an impulse of petulance made me
forget what was due to Ursula, and answer my inquisitive friends as I
did; but I am on my way to Grosvenor Square now, and will put matters
straight in an hour."
"The mischief is done," said Grandon, gloomily, "and it is not in your
power to undo it. Whatever may have been the motives by which you have
been actuated--and far be it from me to judge them--you have caused an
amount of misery which must last as long as those whom you have chosen
as your victims live."
"I beseech you be more explicit," I said; "what happened last night?--I
insist upon knowing."
"You know perfectly well that as you stand in no nearer relation to Lady
Ursula than I do," and Grandon's voice trembled, while his eye gleamed
for a second with a flash of triumph, "you have no right to insist upon
anything; but I have no objection to tell you that as Lady Ursula was
quite in ignorance of any such report having currency as that which has
now received a certain stamp of authority, by virtue of the conspiracy
into which you seem to have entered with her mother and brother, she was
overwhelmed with confusion at the congratulations which it seems the
ladies heaped upon her after dinner last night, and finally fainted. Of
course all London will be talking of it to-day, as the Helters went away
early on purpose to get to Lady Mundane's before Scraper could arrive
there with his version of the catastrophe."
"Did she tell you she did not care for me, Grandon?" said I, very
humbly.
"She told me to forgive you, and love you as I used to, God help me!"
burst out Grandon, and he covered his face with his hands. "Frank," he
said, "she is an angel of whom neither you nor I is worthy; but oh,
spare her! Don't, for God's sake hold her up to the pity and curiosity
of London. I would do anything on earth she told me; but what spell have
you thrown over her that in spite of your heartless conduct she should
still implore me to love and cherish you? How can I obey her in this
when your acts are so utterly at variance with all that is noble and
honourable? I have at least one cause for gratitude," he continued, in a
calmer tone, "and that is, that the doubt which would force itself upon
me when I vainly tried to account for her conduct in accepting you so
suddenly has been removed."
I had discovered what I wanted, for in spite of every effort to conceal
it, I detected a mixture of jealousy and of triumph in Grandon's last
speech. Ursula, in her moment of agony, had unconsciously allowed him to
perceive that he alone was loved, and had urged him still to love and
cherish me, because as an irresponsible being she had thought me more
than ever in need of sympathy and protection For a moment I wavered in
my resolution. Should I open my heart and give my dearest friend a
confidence which should justify me in his eyes, at the risk of
destroying the project I had formed on that night when, walking home
from my interview with Lady Broadhem, I had determined to devote my
energies to the happiness of others and not of myself? or should I
maintain that flippant, heartless exterior which seemed for the time
necessary to the success of my plans? As usual, my mind made itself up
while I was doubting what to do, and in spite of myself I said jauntily,
"Well, now that you know that she cares about you and not about me, I
suppose you have nothing to do but to return her affection?"
"I have done that for some time," he replied, "but you know how
perfectly hopeless our love is; and yet," and his voice deepened and his
face flushed with enthusiasm, "I am happier loving hopelessly and
knowing that I am loved, than I have ever been before. Forgive me,
Frank, but I do not feel for you as I should have done had you behaved
differently. You had no right to let me suppose that she had accepted
you when the subject had never been breathed between you. Your
conscience must tell you that you have acted in an unworthy manner
towards us both."
"Grandon," I said, sententiously, "my conscience works on a system
utterly incomprehensible to an ordinary intelligence, and I am quite
satisfied with it. I will have a metaphysical discussion with you on the
matter on some other occasion. Meantime you think Ursula has decided on
preferring the ruin and disgrace of the Broadhem family to a _mariage de
convenance_ either with me or any one else?"
"I did not know it was a question of disgrace," said Grandon, "and I am
quite sure that Lady Ursula will do the right thing. I would rather not
discuss the subject any further; we shall certainly not agree, and I am
afraid that we might become more widely estranged than I should wish.
Here is breakfast. It was you who last asked me to bury this unhappy
subject, it is my turn now to make the same request. I wish to heaven it
had never arisen between us."
"What a lucky fellow you are!" said I, looking at him with the eye of a
philosopher; "now you would never imagine yourself to be one of the most
enviable men in London, with the most charming of women and the most
devoted of friends ready to sacrifice themselves at your feet--she
_incomprise_, I _incompris_."
"Don't trifle," said Grandon, sternly, interrupting me; "my patience is
not inexhaustible."
"Luckily mine is," said I, with my mouth full of grilled salmon,
"otherwise I should not be the right stuff for a social missionary.
Apropos, you have never asked me what I have been doing in that line;
nor told me what you thought of the long letter I wrote you from
Flityville. Did you get me the answers to those questions?"
"No," he replied, "I must honestly tell you, Frank, that it pains me to
discuss so serious a subject with one who makes so fair and earnest a
pretence of having deep convictions as you do, and whose acts are so
diametrically opposed to them; and now I must be off, for I have a
committee of the House to attend."
"And I a rendezvous of a still more interesting character to keep;" and
as I left Grandon I observed a shade of disgust and disappointment cross
his face at my last speech. I always overdo it, I thought, as I walked
towards Grosvenor Square, but Grandon ought to make allowances for me.
He has known me all my life, but it was reserved for us both to be in
love with the same woman to bring out the strong points in each of us.
Lavater says you never know whether a man is your friend until you have
divided an inheritance with him; but it is a much more ticklish thing to
go halves in a woman's love. Never mind, I will astonish them both yet.
Now then, to begin with her; and I boldly knocked at the door. I found
Broadhem in his own little den.
"It is all right," he said, as I entered; "I have told Ursula you are
coming, and she will see you in the drawing-room."
I had not been for two minutes alone with Lady Ursula since we parted at
Dickiefield; indeed, when it is remembered that my whole intercourse
with her upon that occasion extended over little more than twenty-four
hours, and that we had never been on any other terms since than those of
the most casual acquaintances, the embarrassing nature of the impending
interview presented itself to me in a somewhat unpleasant aspect. Now
that it had come to the point, I could not make up my mind exactly what
to say. I tried to collect my ideas and go over the history of the
events which had resulted in the present predicament. Why was I in the
singular position of having to make a special appointment with a young
lady with whom I was desperately in love, whom I knew but slightly, but
who supposed me to be mad, for the purpose of asking her, first, whether
she considered herself engaged to be married to me or not; and secondly,
if not, whether she would have any objection to the world supposing that
such was the case? Now my readers will remember that the sudden impulse
which induced me in the first instance to delude Lady Broadhem into
believing that Lady Ursula had accepted me, arose from the desire to
save her from the tender mercies of Chundango. Lady Ursula had in fact
owed the repose she had enjoyed for the last two months entirely to her
supposed engagement to me. The moment that is at an end, her fate
becomes miserable. If she will but consider herself drowning, and me the
straw, I shall only be too happy to be clutched. If I cannot propose
myself as a husband, I will at least suggest that she should regard me
in the light of a straw.
I had got thus far when I found myself in her presence. She looked very
pale, and there was an expression of decision about the corners of her
mouth which I had not before remarked. It did not detract from its
sweetness, nor did the slight tremor of the upper lip as she greeted me
detract from its force. It is a great mistake to suppose that a tremor
of the lip denotes weakness; on the contrary, it often arises from a
concentration of nervous energy. I am not quite so sure about a tremor
of the knees. That was what I suffered from at the moment, together with
a very considerable palpitation of the heart. Now the difficulty at such
a moment is to know how to begin. I have often heard men say that when
they have obtained an interview with a great statesman for the purpose
of asking a favour, and he waits for them to begin without helping them
out with a word, they have experienced this difficulty. That arises from
the consciousness that they are sacrificing their self-respect to their
"career." If they would never go near a statesman except when they
wanted to confer a favour upon him, they would have no difficulty in
finding words. Fortunately the great majority of our public _employes_
are not yet hardened beggars like the Neapolitans, and are not, like
them, dead to any sentiment of shame upon these occasions, though it is
to be feared that they will soon become so. The responsibility of
demoralising the servants of the public lies entirely with the heads of
the departments. In proportion as these gentlemen are not ashamed of
sacrificing their subordinates in order to keep themselves in office,
will those subordinates become as unblushing place-hunters as their
masters are place-keepers. Once accustom a man to being a scapegoat, and
you destroy at a blow his respect for himself and for the man who offers
him up. I could become very eloquent upon this subject, if I was not
afraid of keeping Ursula waiting. There are few men who need having
their duties pointed out to them more constantly than Cabinet Ministers.
Attacks in the House of Commons do them no good, as they are generally
the result of party tactics, and spring from as unworthy a motive as
does the defence. Men who have got place do not pay much attention to
attacks from men who want it. Then, as I said before, the Church utterly
ignores its duties in this respect. Who ever heard of a bishop getting
up and pointing out to her Majesty's Ministers the necessity of
considering the interests of the country before their own? It would be
immediately supposed that he was bullying them, because he wanted to be
"translated;" and this would be considered the only excuse for the same
want of "good taste" which I, who am only desirous for their good, am
now displaying. I put it to you, my lords, in all humility, do you ever
get up in your places, not in the House of Peers, but in another House,
and point out to the rulers of the country that no personal
consideration should ever interfere with their doing the right thing at
the right moment? Do you ever explain to the noble lords among whom you
sit, that when a committee is chosen from both sides of the House to
inquire into a simple question of right or wrong, the members of it are
bound to vote upon its merits and according to their consciences, rather
than according to the political parties to which they belong? and do you
ever ask yourselves what you would do in the same circumstances? Do you
ever tell the heads of departments that they are responsible for the
_morale_ which pervades the special services over which they preside?
that the tone of honour, the amount of zeal and of disinterestedness
which subordinates display must depend in a great measure upon the
example set them by their chief? that you can no more expect an
orchestra to play in tune with a leader devoid of a soul for music, than
a department to work well without the soul of honour at its head? Do you
ever tell the leaders of the party with which you "act" that it is
wicked openly to collect funds to give candidates to bribe with at
general elections? Do you ever faithfully tell these great men, that
just in proportion as their position is elevated, so is their power for
good or for evil? and when you see their responsibilities sit lightly
upon them, do you ever take them to task for trifling with the highest
interests of the country, and stifling the consciences of its servants?
If the fact that in your ecclesiastical capacity you are beholden to one
or other of the political parties makes it delicate for you to attack
your opponents, then let the Liberal Episcopacy jealously guard the
honour of the Liberal Cabinets, and the Tory bishops watch over the
public morality of their own side so soon as it shall come into office.
Of course I was not thinking of all this as I entered the drawing-room,
but I had thought it often before, and feel impelled to mention it now.
What I actually did was to blush a good deal, stammer a good deal, and
finally make the unpleasant discovery that that presence of mind which
my readers will ere this have perceived I possess to an eminent degree,
had entirely deserted me. I think this arose from the extreme desire I
felt that Lady Ursula should not at that moment imagine that I was mad.
Perhaps, my reader, it may have happened to you to have to broach the
most delicate of all topics to a young lady who regarded you in the
light of a rather dangerous lunatic, and you can therefore enter into my
feelings. I was not sorry to find myself blushing and stammering, as it
might have the effect of reassuring her, and making her feel that for
the moment at least I was quite harmless.
"I am glad, Lord Frank," she said, observing my confusion, "that you
have given me this opportunity of seeing you, as I am sure you would not
willingly inflict pain, and should you find that you have
unintentionally done so, will make all the reparation in your power."
At this moment I glanced significantly at Broadhem, who left the room.
"Unfortunately it too often happens, Lady Ursula," I said, "that it is
necessary to inflict a temporary pain to avert what might become a
permanent misery."
"I cannot conceive," replied she, "to what permanent misery, as
affecting myself, you can allude, in which your intervention should be
necessary, more especially when exhibited in a form which places me in
such a false position. I need not say that the announcement which I saw
for the first time in a newspaper caused me the greatest annoyance; but
when I found afterwards that my mother, my brother, and even Lord
Grandon, had heard it from your own lips many weeks before, and that in
fact you had given my mother, under a promise that she would not allude
to the subject to me, such a totally erroneous idea of what passed at
our interview at Dickiefield,--when I thought of all this, I could only
account for it by the last revelation you made to me there."
She maintained her self-possession perfectly until she was obliged to
allude to my insanity, then she dropped her eyelids, and the colour for
the first time rushed into her cheeks as she shrank from touching on
this delicate subject. At the moment I almost felt inclined to tell her
that I was as sane as she was, but refrained, partly because I was not
sure of it myself, partly because I did not think she would believe me,
partly because, after all, it might be the best justification I could
offer for my conduct, and partly because I was not quite ready to enter
upon an explanation of the ruse by which I had hoped to save her from
the persecution of her mother to marry Chundango. This suddenly reminded
me of my idea that she was in the position of one drowning. I therefore
said, in a careless way, for the purpose of showing her that her
allusion to my insanity had produced no unfavourable impression upon
me,----
"Lady Ursula, would you have any objection to regarding me in the light
of a straw?"
"A what!" said Lady Ursula, in a tone in which amazement seemed blended
with alarm.
"A straw," I repeated; "I assure you you are drowning, and even an
unworthy being like myself may be of use to you, if you would but
believe it. Remember Chundango's conduct at Dickiefield--remember the
view Lady Broadhem took of it, until I interposed, or as I should more
accurately say, until the current swept me past her--remember that up to
this moment she has never recurred to the subject of Mr Chundango, who,
although he comes to the house constantly, now devotes himself entirely
to Lady Broadhem herself; and, allow me to say it, you owe it all to a
timely straw."
Lady Ursula seemed struck by the graphic way in which I put her position
before her, and remained silent for a few moments. It had evidently
never occurred to her, that I had indirectly been the means of securing
her tranquillity. She little thought it possible that her mother could
have talked her matrimonial prospects over with a comparative stranger
in the mercantile terms which Lady Broadhem had used in our interview at
Dickiefield. And I am well aware that society generally would consider
such conduct on the part of her ladyship coarse and unladylike. It
showed a disregard of _les convenances_ which good society is the first
to resent. Those who have never secretly harboured the designs which
Lady Broadhem in the agony of a financial crisis avowed, might justly
repudiate her conduct; but "conscience does make cowards of us all," and
fashionable mothers will naturally be the first to censure in Lady
Broadhem a practice to which, in a less glaring and obnoxious form, they
are so strongly addicted. If in silvery accents she had confided her
projects to Lady Mundane, the world would have considered it natural and
ladylike enough; the coarseness consisted in her telling them to me. O
generation of slave-owners! why persist in deluding yourselves into the
belief, that so long as you buy and sell your own flesh and blood in a
whisper there is no harm in it?
My gentle critics, I would strongly advise you not to place me on my
defence in these matters; I have every disposition to let you down as
gently as possible, but if you play tricks with the rope, I shall have
to let you down by the run. Why, it was only last year that all the
world went to Mrs Gorgon Tompkins's second ball. They no more cared than
she did, that she had lost one of her daughters early in the season,
just after she had given the first. I remember Spiffy Goldtip taking
public opinion in the club about it, and asking whether an interval of
four months was not enough to satisfy the requirements of society in the
matter, as it would be so sad if, after having made such good social
running before Easter, Mrs Gorgon Tompkins were to lose it all
afterwards through an unfortunate domestic _contretemps_ of this kind.
Now I doubt whether Lady Broadhem could surpass that. However, she is
capable of great feats, and I fully expect she will strike out a new
line soon; there has been a lurking demon in her eye of late which
alarms me. Fortunately I am not yet finally committed, financially. It
is true it has cost me a few thousands, which I shall never see again,
to tide the family over its difficulties thus far, but I can still let
it down with a crash if it suits me.
"Lord Frank," said Lady Ursula, after a pause, "I have already alluded
to the circumstance which has induced me to treat you with a forbearance
which I could not have extended to one whom I regarded as responsible
for conduct unwarrantable towards myself, and certainly not to be
justified by any possible advantage which I might be supposed to derive
from it. I consented to see you now, because I feel sure that when you
know from my own lips that I wish you at once to deny the rumour you
have been the means of originating, I may depend upon your doing so."
"May I ask," I said, with much contrition in my tone, "what explanation
you gave Lady Broadhem on the subject?"
"If you mean," said Lady Ursula, "whether I accounted to mamma for your
conduct as I do to myself--in other words, whether I betrayed your
secret--I have carefully refrained from discussing the subject with her.
Fortunately, after dinner at the Whitechapels' last night, Broadhem told
me that he had seen you, and that you were coming here to-day, so I
assured mamma that she would hear from you the true state of the case;
though, of course, I felt myself bound to let her understand that, owing
to a fact which I was unable to explain, she had been completely misled
by you."
"And what did Lady Broadhem say?" I asked.
"She said that had it not been for a meeting she was obliged to attend
this morning, she would have waited to see you to-day; but that she was
sure I laboured under some strange delusion, and that a few words of
explanation from you would smooth everything."
"Will you allow me to tell you what those few words are?" said I. "Lady
Broadhem little imagines the real state of the case, because she knows
what you do not know, that I am engaged in clearing off her own
pecuniary liabilities, and making arrangements by which the old-standing
claims on the Broadhem estates may be met. You may never have heard how
seriously the family is embarrassed, and how unlucky all Lady Broadhem's
attempts to retrieve its fortunes by speculation have been. I could only
account to her for the pecuniary sacrifices she knows I am making by
allowing her to suppose that I was incurring them for your sake." I
could not resist letting a certain tone of pique penetrate this speech,
and the puzzled and pained expression of Lady Ursula's face afforded me
a sense of momentary gratification, of which I speedily repented. As she
looked at me earnestly, her large blue eyes filled slowly with tears.
"Is she crying because this last speech of mine proves me hopelessly
mad?" thought I; "or does she feel herself in a pecuniary trap, and is
she crying because she does not see her way out of it?" and I felt the
old sensation coming over me, and my head beginning to swim. Why, oh
why, am I denied that method in my madness which it must be such a
comfort to possess? It is just at the critical moment that my osseous
matter invariably plays me a trick. I seemed groping for light and
strength, and mechanically put out my hand; the soft touch of one placed
gently in it thrilled through my nerves with an indescribable current,
and instantaneously the horrid feeling left me, and I emerged from the
momentary torpor into which I had fallen. I don't think Ursula remarked
it, for she said, and her eyes were now overflowing, in a voice of
surpassing sweetness, "Lord Frank, I have discovered your _real_ secret;
it is no longer possible for you to conceal the noble motives which have
actuated you under your pretended----"
"Hush!" I said, interrupting her; "what I did, whether rightly or
wrongly, I did for the best. Now I will be guided by your wishes. What
am I to do?"
"Allow no worldly consideration, however unselfish, either for myself or
those dearest to me, to induce you to swerve from the course which truth
and honour distinctly point out. Whatever may seem to be the
consequences, we are both bound to follow this, and we have but to feel
that, if need be, we are ready to make great sacrifices to receive the
requisite faith and strength. Believe me," she concluded, and her voice
trembled slightly, "whatever happens, I shall feel that you have given
me proofs of a friendship upon which I may depend."
I pressed the hand I still held, and I felt the touch was sacred. "Ah,"
thought I, as I left the room, and was conscious that the gentle
influence of her I had parted from was still resting upon me, "that is
the right kind of spirit-medium. There is a magnetism in that slender
finger which supports and purifies." O my hardened and material readers!
don't suppose that because I know you will laugh at the idea of a
purifying or invigorating magnetism I shall hesitate to write exactly
what I feel on such matters. If I refrain from saying a great deal more,
it is not because I shrink from your ridicule but from your ignorance.
You may not believe that the pearls exist; I honestly admit that they
are not yet in my possession, but I have seen those who own them, and,
unfortunately, also I have seen the animals before whom they have been
cast. And you, my dear young ladies, do not ignore the responsibility
which the influence you are able to exercise over young men imposes upon
you. You need not call it magnetism unless you like, but be sure that
there is that conveyed in a touch or a glance which elevates or degrades
him upon whom it is bestowed, according as you preserve the purity and
simplicity of your inmost natures. If you would only regard yourselves
in the light of female missionaries to that benighted tribe of
lavender-gloved young gentlemen who flutter about you like moths round a
candle, you would send them away glowing and happy, instead of singeing
their wings. If, when these butterflies come to sip, you would give them
honey instead of poison, they would not forsake you as they do now for
the gaudy flowers which are too near you. I know what you have to
contend against--the scheming mothers who bring you up to the
"Daughticultural Show," labelled and decorated, and put up to
competition as likely prize-winners--who deliberately expose you to the
first rush of your first seasons, and mercilessly watch you as you are
swept along by the tearing stream--who see you without compunction cast
away on sandbanks of worldliness, where you remain till you become as
"hard" and as "fast" as those you find stranded there before you. Here
your minds become properly, or rather improperly, opened. You hear, for
the first time, to your astonishment, young men talked of by their
Christian or nick names--their domestic life canvassed, their
eligibility discussed, and the varied personal experiences through which
your "hard and fast" friends have passed, related.
Then, better prepared for the rest of the voyage, you start again, and
venture a little on your own account. What bold swimmers you are
becoming now! How you laugh and defy the rocks and reefs upon which you
are ultimately destined to split! Already you look back with surprise to
the time when almost everything you heard shocked you. What an immense
amount of unnecessary knowledge you have acquired since then, and how
recklessly you display it! Do you think it has softened and elevated
you? Do you think the moral contact which should be life-giving to those
who know you, benefits them?
It is not true, because young men behave heartlessly, that you must
flirt "in self-defence," as you call it. When a warfare of this kind
once begins, it is difficult to fix the responsibility; but if one side
left off, the occupation of the other would be gone. If you want to
revenge yourselves on these fickle youths--_strike!_ as they do in the
manufacturing districts. Conceive the wholesome panic you would cause,
if you combined into "unions" like the working-classes, and every girl
in London bound herself not to flirt for the entire season!
Unless you do something of this kind soon, you will reverse the whole
system of nature. The men will be the candles and you the moths; they
will be the flowers, and you the butterflies. If all the brothers in
London persist in trying to imitate their sisters, and all the sisters
ape their brothers, what a nice confusion we shall arrive at! The reason
I preach to you and not to them now, is, because I think I have a better
chance with the mind of a masculine young woman than with that of a
feminine young man. If you only knew what a comfort it would be to talk
sense instead of that incessant chaff, you would read a little more. I
don't object to your riding in the Park--the abominable constitution of
society makes it almost the only opportunity of seeing and talking to
those you like without being talked about; but you need not rush off for
a drive in the carriage immediately after lunch, just because you are
too restless to stay at home.
First, the Park and young men, then lunch, then Marshall and Snelgrove,
then tea and young men again, then dinner, drums, and balls, and young
men till three A.M. That is the tread-wheel you have chosen to turn
without the smallest profit to yourself or any one else. If I seem to
speak strongly, it is because my heart yearns over you. I belonged once
to the lavender-gloved tribe myself, and though I have long since
abandoned the hunting-grounds of my youth, I would give the world to see
them happy and innocent. Moreover, I know you too well to imagine that I
have written a word which will offend you. Far from it. We shall be
warmer and closer friends ever after; but I am strongly afraid mamma
will disapprove. She will call 'Piccadilly' "highly improper," and say
that it is a book she has not allowed any of "her girls" to read. I
don't want to preach disobedience; but there are modes well known to my
fair young friends of reading books which mamma forbids, and I trust
that they will never read one against her wish which may leave a more
injurious impression upon their minds than 'Piccadilly.'
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