We waited in companionable silence until the doc arrived.
He bustled in, his smile lines drawn up into a sour purse and waited
expectantly. I left Dan on the patio while I took a seat on the bed.
"I'm cracking up or something," I said. "I've been acting erratically,
sometimes violently. I don't know what's wrong with me." I'd rehearsed
the speech, but it still wasn't easy to choke out.
"We both know what's wrong, Julius," the doc said, impatiently. "You
need to be refreshed from your backup, get set up with a fresh clone and
retire this one. We've had this talk."
"I can't do it," I said, not meeting his eye. "I just can't -- isn't
there another way?"
The doc shook his head. "Julius, I've got limited resources to allocate.
There's a perfectly good cure for what's ailing you, and if you won't
take it, there's not much I can do for you."
"But what about meds?"
"Your problem isn't a chemical imbalance, it's a mental defect. Your
_brain_ is _broken_, son. All that meds will do is mask the symptoms,
while you get worse. I can't tell you what you want to hear,
unfortunately. Now, If you're ready to take the cure, I can retire this
clone immediately and get you restored into a new one in 48 hours."
"Isn't there another way? Please? You have to help me -- I can't lose
all this." I couldn't admit my real reasons for being so attached to
this singularly miserable chapter in my life, not even to myself.
The doctor rose to go. "Look, Julius, you haven't got the Whuffie to
make it worth anyone's time to research a solution to this problem,
other than the one that we all know about. I can give you mood-
suppressants, but that's not a permanent solution."
"Why not?"
He boggled. "You _can't_ just take dope for the rest of your life, son.
Eventually, something will happen to this body -- I see from your file
that you're stroke-prone -- and you're going to get refreshed from your
backup. The longer you wait, the more traumatic it'll be. You're robbing
from your future self for your selfish present."
It wasn't the first time the thought had crossed my mind. Every passing
day made it harder to take the cure. To lie down and wake up friends
with Dan, to wake up and be in love with Lil again. To wake up to a
Mansion the way I remembered it, a Hall of Presidents where I could find
Lil bent over with her head in a President's guts of an afternoon. To
lie down and wake without disgrace, without knowing that my lover and my
best friend would betray me, _had_ betrayed me.