Inasmuch as language is the least eloquent and effective mode of
expressing Love, and inasmuch as Love is commonly inspired in woman by
the possession of qualities which she lacks, it is obvious that
Shakspere did not show his usual insight into human nature when he
wrote—
“That man that hath a tongue is, I say, no man,
If with his tongue he cannot win a woman.”
It seems, indeed, quite probable that Bacon wrote those two lines; if
Shakspere had written them he would have said—
“That man that hath a uniform is, I say, no man,
If with his uniform he cannot win a woman.”
The extraordinary infatuation for military uniforms shown by women of
all times and countries is one of the most obscure problems in mental
and social philosophy. Whenever an officer, though ever so humble in
rank, is present at a ball or other social gathering, all other men, be
they merchants, politicians, lawyers, physicians, artists, students,
ministers, are simply “nowhere.”
What is the cause of this singular infatuation? Is it the colour-harmony
formed by the complementary blue cloth and yellow buttons? No, for
various officials, as well as messenger boys, wear similar uniforms
without making any special impression on the feminine heart. Is it the
beauty or the wit of the soldier? No, for he may be as stupid as a log,
and red-nosed and smallpox-pitted, without losing a jot of his
popularity. Nor can it be his valour, for he has perhaps never yet been
opposite the “business end” of a rifle, as they say out West. Nor,
again, is it likely that women admire soldiers from an inherited sense
of gratitude for the services they rendered in former warlike times in
protecting their great-great-grandmothers from the enemy’s barbarity;
for woman’s gratitude is not apt to be so very retrospective, while
gratitude itself is less apt to inspire Love than aversion.
Whatever may be the cause of this mysterious phenomenon, the fact
remains that officers are woman’s ideals. Hence the first and most
important hint to those who would win a woman’s Love is: Put brass
buttons on your coat, have it dyed blue, and wear epaulettes and a waxed
moustache. This love-charm has never been known to fail.