LAWFUL, adj. Compatible with the will of a judge having jurisdiction.
LAWYER, n. One skilled in circumvention of the law. One of the chief
duties of the modern lawyer is defense of eminent rogues by vituperation
of "anonymous scribblers" of the press--an employment which drew from
that "scurril jester," Editor Fum, of "The Daily Livercomplaint," the
hortatory words here following:
Take notice, lawyers all. For many a year
Your cheerful tribe (I mean to stint your cheer)
When hired to cheat the gallows of its prey
Or turn the law-dogs' noses all astray
From a thief's track, and take of what he stole
The lion's share--that is to say, the whole--
Have deemed it right his grievance to redress
With fine philippics on the brutal press
That persecutes a blameless soul--alas,
How angels suffer from the felon class!
Now mark ye, lawless lawyers, if ye still
Shall think it well to serve a client ill,
Accept his money on the false pretense
That slander of accusers is defense,
Deal out damnation to sustain his hope
And handle without gloves all things but soap,
I 'm for retaliation. Hear me swear,
With head uncovered and with hand in air,
By that sole deity whom lawyers hold
In pious reverence, Almighty Gold
(Whose name, with deep hypocrisy, they spell,
Pronounce and take in vain without the l)
My scourging weapon shall remain unstirred,
Gracing the pinion of its parent bird.
I 'll let you struggle for the blackguard's wreath
And tear your tongues to rags upon your teeth!
LAZINESS, n. Unwarranted repose of manner in a person of low degree.
LEAD, n. A heavy blue-gray metal much used in giving stability to light
lovers--particularly to those who love not wisely but other men's wives.
Lead is also of great service as a counterpoise to an argument of such
weight that it turns the scale of debate the wrong way. An interesting
fact in the chemistry of international controversy is that at the point
of contact of two patriotisms lead is precipitated in great quantities.
Hail, holy Lead!--of human feuds the great
And universal arbiter; endowed
With penetration to pierce any cloud
Fogging the field of controversial hate,
And with a swift, inevitable, straight,
Searching precision find the unavowed
But vital point. Thy judgment, when allowed
By the chirurgeon, settles the debate.
O useful metal!--were it not for thee
We'd grapple one another's ears alway:
But when we hear thee buzzing like a bee
We, like old Muhlenberg, "care not to stay."
And when the quick have run away like pullets
Jack Satan smelts the dead to make new bullets.
LEARNING, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious.
LECTURER, n. One with his hand in your pocket, his tongue in your ear,
and his faith in your patience.
LEGACY, n. A gift from one who is legging it out of this vale of tears.
LEONINE, adj. Unlike a menagerie lion. Leonine verses are those in which
a word in the middle rhymes with a word at the end, as in this famous
passage from Bella Peeler Silcox:
The electric light invades the dunnest deep of
Hades.
Cries Pluto, 'twixt his snores: "O tempora! O
mores!"
It should be explained that Mrs. Silcox does not undertake to teach
the pronunciation of the Greek and Latin tongues. Leonine verses are so
called in honor of a poet named Leo, whom prosodists appear to find a
pleasure in believing to have been the first to discover that a rhyming
couplet could be run into a single line.
LETTUCE, n. An herb of the genus Lactuca, "wherewith," says that pious
gastronome, Hengist Pelly, "God has been pleased to reward the good
and punish the wicked. For by his inner light the righteous man has
discerned a manner of compounding for it a dressing to the appetency
whereof a multitude of gustible condiments conspire, being reconciled
and ameliorated with profusion of oil, the entire comestible making glad
the heart of the godly and causing his face to shine. But the person of
spiritual unworth is successfully tempted of the Adversary to eat of
the lettuce with destitution of oil, mustard, egg, salt, and garlic, and
with a rascal bath of vinegar polluted with sugar. Wherefore the person
of spiritual unworth suffers an intestinal pang of strange complexity
and raises the song."
LEVIATHAN, n. An enormous aquatic animal mentioned by Job. Some suppose
it to have been the whale, but that distinguished ichthyologer, Dr.
Jordan, of Stanford University, maintains with considerable heat that it
was a species of gigantic Tadpole, ('Thaddeus Polandensis) or Polliwig--
Maria pseudo-hirsuta. For an exhaustive description and history of the
Tadpole consult the famous monograph of Jane Porter, Thaddeus of Warsaw.
LEXICOGRAPHER, n. A pestilent fellow who, under the pretense of
recording some particular stage in the development of a language, does
what he can to arrest its growth, stiffen its flexibility, and mechanize
its methods. For your lexicographer, having written his dictionary,
comes to be considered "as one having authority," whereas his function
is only to make a record, not to give a law. The natural servility
of the human understanding having invested him with judicial power,
surrenders its right of reason and submits itself to a chronicle as if
it were a statute. Let the dictionary (for example) mark a good word as
"obsolete" or "obsolescent" and no man thereafter ventures to use
it, whatever his need of it and however desirable its restoration to
favor--whereby the process of impoverishment is accelerated and speech
decays. On the contrary, the bold and discerning writer who, recognizing
the truth that language must grow by innovation if it grow at all, makes
new words and uses the old in an unfamiliar sense has no following and
is tartly reminded that "it is n't in the dictionary"-- although down to
the time of the first lexicographer (Heaven forgive him!) no author ever
had used a word that was in the dictionary. In the golden prime and high
noon of English speech; when from the lips of the great Elizabethans
fell words that made their own meaning and carried it in their very
sound; when a Shakespeare and a Bacon were possible, and the language
now rapidly perishing at one end and slowly renewed at the other was in
vigorous growth and hardy preservation--sweeter than honey and stronger
than a lion--the lexicographer was a person unknown, the dictionary a
creation which his Creator had not created him to create.
God said: "Let Spirit perish into Form,"
And lexicographers arose, a swarm!
Thought fled and left her clothing, which they took
And catalogued each garment in a book.
Now, from her leafy covert when she cries:
"Give me my clothes and I 'll return," they rise
And scan the list, and say without compassion:
"Excuse us--they are mostly out of fashion."
Sigismund Smith.
LIAR, n. A lawyer with a roving commission.
LIBERTY, n. One of Imagination's most precious possessions.
The rising People, hot and out of breath,
Roared round the palace: "Liberty or death!"
"If death will do," the King said, "let me reign;
You 'll have, I 'm sure, no reason to complain."
Martha Braymance.
LICKSPITTLE, n. A useful functionary, not infrequently found editing
a newspaper. In his character of editor he is closely allied to
the blackmailer by the tie of occasional identity; for in truth the
lickspittle is only the blackmailer under another aspect, though the
latter is frequently found as an independent species. Lickspittling
is more detestable than blackmailing, precisely as the business of a
confidence man is more detestable than that of a highway robber; and
the parallel maintains itself throughout, for whereas few robbers will
cheat, every sneak will plunder if he dare.
LIFE, n. A spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay. We live
in daily apprehension of its loss; yet when lost it is not missed. The
question, "Is life worth living?" has been much discussed; particularly
by those who think it is not, many of whom have written at great length
in support of their view and by careful observance of the laws of health
enjoyed for long terms of years the honors of successful controversy.
"Life's not worth living, and that 's the truth,"
Carelessly caroled the golden youth;
And in manhood still he maintained that view
And held it more strongly the older he grew.
When kicked by a jackass at eighty-three,
"Go fetch me a surgeon at once!" cried he.
Han Soper.
LIGHTHOUSE, n. A tall building on the seashore in which the government
maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician.
LIMB, n. The branch of a tree or the leg of an American woman.
'T was a pair of boots that the lady bought.
And the salesman laced them tight
To a very remarkable height--
Higher, indeed, than I think he ought--
Higher than <i>can</i> be right.
For the Bible declares--but never mind:
It is hardly fit
To censure freely and fault to find
With others for sins that I 'm not inclined
Myself to commit.
Each has his weakness, and though my own
Is freedom from every sin,
It still were unfair to pitch in,
Discharging the first censorious stone.
Besides, the truth compels me to say,
The boots in question were <i>made</i> that way.
As he drew the lace she made a grimace,
And blushingly said to him:
"This boot, I 'm sure, is too high to endure,
It hurts my--hurts my--limb."
The salesman smiled in a manner mild,
Like an artless, undesigning child;
Then, checking himself, to his face he gave
A look as sorrowful as the grave,
Though he did n't care two figs
For her pains and throes,
As he stroked her toes,
Remarking with speech and manner just
Befitting his calling: "Madam, I trust
That it does n't hurt your twigs."
G. Percival Doke.
LINEN, n. "A kind of cloth the making of which entails a great waste of
hemp."--Calcraft the Hangman.
LITIGANT, n. A person about to give up his skin for the hope of
retaining his bones.
LITIGATION, n. A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a
sausage.
LIVER, n. A large red organ thoughtfully provided by nature to be
bilious with. The sentiments and emotions which every literary anatomist
now knows to haunt the heart were anciently believed to infest the
liver; and even Gascoygne, speaking of the emotional side of human
nature, calls it "our hepaticall parte." It was at one time considered
the seat of life; hence its name--liver, the thing we live with. The
liver is heaven's best gift to the goose; without it that bird would be
unable to supply us with the Strasbourg pâté.
LL.D. Letters indicating the degree Legumptionis Doctor, one learned in
the laws, gifted with legal gumption. Some suspicion is cast upon this
derivation by the fact that the title was formerly ££. d. and conferred
only upon gentlemen distinguished for their wealth. At the date of this
writing Columbia University is considering the expediency of making
another degree for clergymen, in place of the old D.D.--Damnator Diaboli.
The new honor will be known as Sanctorum Custos, and written $$. c. The
name of the Rev. John Satan has been suggested as a suitable recipient
by a lover of consistency, who points out that Professor Harry Thurston
Peck has long enjoyed the advantage of a degree.
LOCK-AND-KEY, n. The distinguishing device of civilization and
enlightenment.
LODGER, n. A less popular name for the First Person of that delectable
newspaper Trinity, the Roomer, the Bedder, and the Mealer.
LOGIC, n. The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with
the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding. The
basis of logic is the syllogism, consisting of a major and a minor
premise and a conclusion--thus:
Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly
as one man.
Minor Premise: One man can dig a post-hole in sixty seconds; therefore--
Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a post-hole in one second.
This may be called the syllogism arithmetical, in which, by combining
logic and mathematics, we obtain a double certainty and are twice
blessed.
LORD, n. In American society, an English tourist above the state of a
costermonger, as, Lord 'Aberdasher, Lord Hartisan, and so forth. The
travelling Briton of lesser degree is addressed as "Sir," as, Sir 'Arry
Donkiboi, of 'Amstead 'Eath. The word "Lord" is sometimes used, also, as
a title of the Supreme Being; but this is thought to be rather flattery
than true reverence.
Miss Sallie Ann Splurge, of her own accord,
Wedded a wandering English lord--
Wedded and took him to dwell with her "paw,"
A parent who throve by the practice of Draw.
Lord Cadde I don't hesitate here to declare
Unworthy the father-in-legal care
Of that elderly sport, notwithstanding the truth
That Cadde had renounced the follies of youth;
For, sad to relate, he 'd arrived at the stage
Of existence that 's marked by the vices of age.
Among them cupidity caused him to urge
Repeated demands on the pocket of Splurge,
Till, wrecked in his fortune, that gentleman saw
Inadequate aid in the practice of Draw,
And took, as a means of augmenting his pelf,
To the business of being a lord himself.
His neat-fitting garments he willfully shed
And sacked himself strangely in checks instead;
Denuded his chin, but retained at each ear
A whisker that looked like a blasted career.
He painted his neck an incarnadine hue
Each morning and varnished it all that he knew.
The moony monocular set in his eye
Appeared to be scanning the Sweet Bye-and-Bye.
His head was enroofed with a billycock hat,
And his low-necked shoes were aduncous and flat.
In speech he eschewed his American ways,
Denying his nose to the use of his A's
And dulling their edge till the delicate sense
Of a babe at their temper could take no offence.
His H's--'t was most inexpressibly sweet,
The patter they made as they fell at his feet!
Re-outfitted thus, Mr. Splurge without fear
Began as Lord Splurge his recouping career.
Alas, the Divinity shaping his end
Entertained other views and decided to send
His lordship in horror, despair, and dismay
From the land of the nobleman's natural prey.
For, smit with his Old World ways, Lady Cadde
Fell--suffering Caesar!--in love with her dad!