House Owner: I would not trust you with my money unless you did
reference to the whole body of your clients, that they lose money on you
it is probable, with reference to any one of them, that he will. It is
these individual probabilities that make the aggregate certainty.
Insurance Agent: I will not deny it--but look at the figures in this
pamph--
House Owner: Heaven forbid! Insurance Agent: You spoke of saving the
premiums which you would otherwise pay to me. Will you not be more
likely to squander them? We offer you an incentive to thrift.
House Owner: The willingness of A to take care of B's money is not
peculiar to insurance, but as a charitable institution you command
esteem. Deign to accept its expression from a Deserving Object.
INSURRECTION, n. An unsuccessful revolution; disaffection's failure to
substitute misrule for bad government.
INTENTION, n. The mind's sense of the prevalence of one set of
influences over another set; an effect whose cause is the imminence,
immediate or remote, of the performance of an involuntary act.
INTERPRETER, n. One who enables two persons of different languages to
understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to
the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.
INTERREGNUM, n. The period during which a monarchical country is
governed by a warm spot on the cushion of the throne. The experiment of
letting the spot grow cold has commonly been attended by most unhappy
results from the zeal of many worthy persons to keep it warm.
INTIMACY, n. A relation into which fools are providentially drawn for
their mutual destruction.
Two Seidlitz powders, one in blue
And one in white, together drew,
And having each a pleasant sense
Of t' other powder's excellence,
Forsook their jackets for the snug
Enjoyment of a common mug.
So close their intimacy grew
One paper would have held the two.
To confidences straight they fell,
Less anxious each to hear than tell;
Then each remorsefully confessed
To all the virtues he possessed,
Acknowledging he had them in
So high degree it was a sin.
The more they said, the more they felt
Their spirits with emotion melt,
Till tears in cataracts expressed
Their feelings. Then they effervesced!
So Nature executes her feats
Of wrath on friends and sympathetes
The good old rule who won't apply,
That you are you and I am I.
INTRODUCTION, n. A social ceremony invented by the devil for the
gratification of his servants and the plaguing of his enemies. The
introduction attains in this country its most malevolent development,
being, indeed, closely related to our political system. Every American
being the equal of every other American, it follows that everybody has
the right to know everybody else, which implies the right to introduce
without request or permission. The Declaration of Independence should
have read thus:
"We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created
nice and equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with certain
inalienable rights; that among these are life, and the right to make
that of another miserable by thrusting upon him an incalculable quantity
of acquaintances; liberty, particularly the liberty to introduce persons
to one another without first ascertaining if they are not already
acquainted as enemies; and the pursuit of another's happiness with a
running pack of strangers."
INVENTOR, n. A person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels,
levers, and springs, and believes it civilization.
IRRELIGION, n. The principal one of the great faiths of the world.
ITCH, n. The patriotism of a Scotchman.
J
J is a consonant in English, but some nations use it as a vowel--than
which nothing could be more absurd. Its original form, which has been
but slightly modified, was that of the tail of a subdued dog, and it was
not a letter but a character, standing for the Latin verb jacere, "to
throw," because when a stone is thrown at a dog the dog's tail assumes
that shape. This is the origin of the letter, as expounded by the
learned and renowned Dr. Jocolpus Burner, of the University of Belgrade,
who established his conclusions on the subject in a work of three quarto
volumes and committed suicide on being reminded that the j in the Roman
alphabet had originally no curl.
JEALOUS, adj. Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which can
only be lost if not worth keeping.
JESTER, n. An officer formerly attached to a king's household, whose
business it was to amuse the court by ludicrous actions and utterances,
the absurdity being attested by his motley costume. The king himself
being attired with dignity, it took the world some centuries to discover
that his own conduct and decrees were sufficiently ridiculous for the
amusement not only of his court but of all mankind. The jester was
commonly called a fool, but the poets and romancers have ever delighted
to represent him as a singularly wise and witty person. In the circus
clown of to-day the melancholy ghost of the court fool effects the
dejection of humbler audiences with the same jests wherewith in life he
gloomed the marble hall, panged the patrician sense of humor and tapped
the tank of royal tears.
The widow-queen of Portugal
Had an audacious jester
Who entered the confessional
Disguised and there confessed her.
"Father," she said, "thine ear bend down--
My sins are more than scarlet:
I love my fool--blaspheming clown,
And common, base-born varlet."
"Daughter," the mimic priest replied,
"That sin, indeed, is awful:
The church's pardon is denied
To love that is unlawful.
"But since thy stubborn heart will be
For him forever pleading,
Thou 'dst better make him, by decree,
A man of birth and breeding."
She made the fool a duke, in hope
With Heaven's taboo to palter;
Then told the priest, who told the pope,
Who damned her from the altar!
Barel Dort.
JEWS-HARP, n. An unmusical instrument, played by holding it fast with
the teeth and trying to brush it away with the finger.
JOSS-STICKS, n. Small sticks burned by the Chinese in their pagan
tomfoolery, in imitation of certain sacred rites of our holy religion.
JUSTICE, n. A commodity which in a more or less adulterated condition
the State sells to the citizen as a reward for his allegiance, taxes,
and personal service.
K
K is a consonant that we get from the Greeks, but it can be traced away
back beyond them to the Cerathians, a small commercial nation inhabiting
the peninsula of Smero. In their tongue it was called Klatch, which
means "destroyed." The form of the letter was originally precisely that
of our H, but the erudite and ingenious Dr. Snedeker explains that it
was altered to its present shape to commemorate the destruction of the
great temple of Jarute by an earthquake, circa 730 b. c. This building
was famous for the two lofty columns of its portico, one of which was
broken in half by the catastrophe, the other remaining intact. As the
earlier form of the letter is supposed to have been suggested by these
pillars, so, it is thought by the great antiquary, its later was
adopted as a simple and natural--not to say touching--means of keeping the
calamity ever in the national memory. It is not known if the name of the
letter was altered as an additional mnemonic, or if the name was always
Klatch and the destruction one of nature's puns. As each theory seems
probable enough, I see no objection to believing both-- and Dr. Snedeker
arrayed himself on that side of the question.
KEEP, v.
He willed away his whole estate,
And then in death he fell asleep,
Murmuring: "Well, at any rate,
My name unblemished I shall keep."
But when upon the tomb't was wrought
Whose was it?--for the dead keep naught.
Durang Gopbel Am.
KILL, v. To create a vacancy without nominating a successor.
KILT, n. A costume affected by Scotchmen in America and Americans in
Scotland.
KINDNESS, n. A brief preface to ten volumes of exaction.
KING, n. A male person commonly known in America as a "crowned head,"
although he never wears a crown and has usually no head to speak of.
A king, in times long, long gone by,
Said to his lazy jester:
"If I were you and you were I
My moments merrily would fly--
No care nor grief to pester."
"The reason, Sire, that you would thrive,"
The fool said--"if you 'll hear it--
Is that of all the fools alive
Who own you for their sovereign, I 've
The most forgiving spirit."
Oogum Bern.
KING'S EVIL, n. A malady that was formerly cured by the touch of the
sovereign, but has now to be treated by the physicians. Thus "the most
pious Edward" of England used to lay his royal hand upon his ailing
subjects and make them whole--
"a crowd of wretched souls
That stay his cure: their malady convinces
The great essay of art; but at his touch,
Such sanctity hath Heaven given his hand
They presently amend,"
as the "Doctor" in Macbeth hath it. This useful property of the
royal hand could, it appears, be transmitted along with other crown
properties; for according to "Malcolm,"
"'t is spoken,
To the succeeding royalty he leaves
The healing benediction."
But the gift somewhere dropped out of the line of succession: the later
sovereigns of England have not been tactual healers, and the disease
once honored with the name "king's evil" now bears the humbler one of
"scrofula," from scrofa, a sow. The date and author of the following
epigram are unknown, but it is old enough to show that the jest about
Scotland's national disorder is not a thing of yesterday.
Ye Kynge his evill in me laye,
Wh. he of Scottlande charmed awaye.
He layde his hand on mine and sayd:
"Be gone!" Ye ill no longer stayd.
But O ye wofull plyght in wh.
I 'm now y-pight: I have ye itche!
The superstition that maladies can be cured by royal taction is dead,
but like many a departed conviction it has left a monument of custom to
keep its memory green. The practice of forming in line and shaking the
President's hand had no other origin, and when that great dignitary
bestows his healing salutation on
"strangely visited people,
All sworn and ulcerous, pitiful to the eye,
The mere despair of surgery,"
he and his patients are handing along an extinguished torch which once
was kindled at the altar-fire of a faith long held by all classes of
men. It is a beautiful and edifying "survival"--one which brings the
sainted past very close home to our "business and bosoms."
KISS, n. A word invented by the poets as a rhyme for "bliss." It is
supposed to signify, in a general way, some kind of rite or ceremony
appertaining to a good understanding; but the manner of its performance
is unknown to the author of this dictionary.
KLEPTOMANIAC, n. A rich thief.
KNIGHT, n.
Once a warrior gentle of birth,
Then a person of civic worth,
Now a fellow to move our mirth.
Warrior, person, and fellow--no more:
We must knight our dogs to get any lower.
Brave Knights Kennelers then shall be,
Noble Knights of the Golden Flea,
Knights of the Order of St. Steboy,
Knights of St. Gorge and Knights of Jawy.
God speed the day when this knighting fad
Shall go to the dogs and the dogs go mad.
KORAN, n. A book which the Mohammedans foolishly believe to have been
written by divine inspiration, but which Christians know to be a wicked
imposture, contradictory to the Holy Scriptures.
L
LABOR, n. One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
LACE, n. A delicate and costly textile fabric with which the female soul
is netted like a fish.
The devil casting a seine of lace
(With precious stones 't was weighted)
Drew it in to the landing place
And its contents calculated.
All souls of women were in that sack--
A draught miraculous, precious!
But ere he could throw it across his back
They 'd all escaped through the meshes.
Baruch de Loppis.
LAND, n. A part of the earth's surface, considered as property. The
theory that land is property subject to private ownership and control
is the foundation of modern society, and is eminently worthy of the
superstructure. Carried to its logical conclusion, it means that some
have the right to prevent others from living; for the right to own
implies the right exclusively to occupy, and in fact laws of trespass
are enacted wherever property in land is recognized. It follows that if
the whole area of terra firma is owned by A, B, and C, there will be no
place for D, E, F, and G to be born on, or, being born as trespassers,
to exist on.
A life on the ocean wave,
A home on the rolling deep,
For the spark that nature gave
I have there the right to keep.
They give me the cat-o'-nine
Whenever I go ashore.
Then ho! for the flashing brine--
I'ma natural commodore!
Dodle.
LANGUAGE, n. The music with which we charm the serpents guarding
another's treasure.
LAOCOÖN, n. A famous piece of antique sculpture representing a priest
of that name and his two sons in the folds of two enormous serpents. The
skill and diligence with which the old man and lads support the serpents
and keep them up to their work have been justly regarded as one of the
noblest artistic illustrations of the mastery of human intelligence over
brute inertia.
LAP, n. One of the most important organs of the female system--an
admirable provision of nature for the repose of infancy, but chiefly
useful in rural festivities to support plates of cold chicken and
heads of adult males. The male of our species has a rudimentary lap,
imperfectly developed and in no way contributing to the animal's
substantial welfare.
LAST, n. A shoemaker's implement, named by a frowning Providence as
opportunity to the maker of puns.
Ah, punster, would my lot were cast,
Where the cobbler is unknown,
So that I might forget his last
And hear your own.
Gargo Repsky.
LAUGHTER, n. An interior convulsion, producing a distortion of the
features and accompanied by inarticulate noises. It is infectious and,
though intermittent, incurable. Liability to attacks of laughter is one
of the characteristics distinguishing man from the animals--these being
not only inaccessible to the provocation of his example, but impregnable
to the microbes having original jurisdiction in bestowal of the disease.
Whether laughter could be imparted to animals by inoculation from
the human patient is a question that has not been answered by
experimentation. Dr. Weir Mitchell holds that the infectious character
of laughter is due to instantaneous fermentation of sputa diffused in a
spray. From this peculiarity he names the disorder Convulsio spargens.
LAUREATE, adj. Crowned with the leaves of the vegetable aforesaid. In
England the Poet Laureate is an officer of the sovereign's court, acting
as dancing skeleton at every royal feast and singing mute at every royal
funeral. Of all incumbents of that high office Robert Southey had the
most notable knack at drugging the Samson of public joy and cutting his
hair to the quick; and he had an artistic color-sense which enabled
him so to blacken a public grief as to give it the aspect of a national
crime.
LAUREL, n. The laurus, a vegetable dedicated to Apollo, and formerly
defoliated to wreathe the brows of victors and such poets as had
influence at court.
LAW, n.
Once Law was sitting on the bench,
And Mercy knelt a-weeping.
"Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench!
Nor come before me creeping.
Upon your knees if you appear,
'T is plain you have no standing here,"
Then Justice came. His Honor cried:
"Your status?--devil seize you!"
"<i>Arnica curiæ</i>," she replied--
"Friend of the court, so please you."
"Begone!" he shouted--"there 's the door--
I never saw your face before!"