ILLUMINATI, n. A sect of Spanish heretics of the latter part of
the sixteenth century; so called because they were light
weights--cunctationes illuminati.
ILLUSTRIOUS, adj. Suitably placed for the shafts of malice, envy, and
detraction.
IMAGINATION, n. A warehouse of facts, with poet and liar in joint
ownership.
IMBECILITY, n. A kind of divine inspiration, or sacred fire, affecting
censorious critics of this dictionary.
IMMIGRANT, n. An unenlightened person who thinks one country better than
another.
IMMODEST, adj. Having a strong sense of one's own merit, coupled with a
feeble conception of worth in others.
There'was once a man in Ispahan
Ever and ever so long ago,
And he had a head, the phrenologists said,
That fitted him for a show.
For his modesty's bump was so large a lump
(Nature, they said, had taken a freak)
That its summit stood far above the wood
Of his hair, like a mountain peak.
So modest a man in all Ispahan,
Over and over again they swore--
So humble and meek, you would vainly seek;
None ever was found before.
Meantime the hump of that awful bump
Into the heavens contrived to get
To so great a height that they called the wight
The man with a minaret.
There was n't a man in all Ispahan
Prouder, or louder in praise of his chump:
With a tireless tongue and a brazen lung
He bragged of that beautiful bump
Till the Shah in a rage sent a trusty page
Bearing a sack and a bow-string too,
And that gentle child explained as he smiled:
"A little present for you."
The saddest man in all Ispahan,
Sniffed at the gift, yet accepted the same.
"If I'd lived," said he, "my humility
Had given me deathless fame!"
Sukker Uffro.
IMMORAL, adj. Inexpedient. Whatever in the long run, and with regard to
the greater number of instances men find to be generally inexpedient,
comes to be considered wrong, wicked, immoral. If men's notions of
right and wrong have any other basis than this of expediency; if they
originated, or could have originated, in any other way; if actions have
in themselves a moral character apart from, and nowise dependent on,
their consequences--then all philosophy is a lie and reason a disorder of
the mind.
IMMORTALITY, n.
A toy which people cry for,
And on their knees apply for,
Dispute, contend, and lie for,
And if allowed
Would be right proud
Eternally to die for. G. J.
IMPALE, v. t. In popular usage to pierce with any weapon which remains
fixed in the wound. This, however, is inaccurate; to impale is,
properly, to put to death by thrusting an upright sharp stake into the
body, the victim being left in a sitting position. This was a common
mode of punishment among many of the nations of antiquity, and is still
in high favor in China and other parts of Asia. Down to the beginning of
the Fifteenth Century it was widely employed in churching heretics and
schismatics. Wolecraft calls it the "stoole of repentynge," and among
the common people it was jocularly known as "riding the one legged
horse." Ludwig Salzmann informs us that in Thibet impalement is
considered the most appropriate punishment for crimes against religion;
and although in China it is sometimes awarded to secular offences, it is
most frequently adjudged in cases of sacrilege. To the person in actual
experience of impalement it must be a matter of minor importance by
what kind of civil or religious dissent he was made acquainted with its
discomforts; but doubtless he would feel a certain satisfaction if able
to contemplate himself in the character of a weather-cock on the spire
of the True Church.
IMPARTIAL, adj. Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage
from espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two
conflicting opinions.
IMPENITENCE, n. A state of mind intermediate in point of time between
sin and punishment.
IMPIETY, n. Your irreverence toward my deity.
IMPOSITION, n. The act of blessing or consecrating by the laying on of
hands--a ceremony common to many ecclesiastical systems, but performed
with the frankest sincerity by the sect known as Thieves.
"Lo! by the laying on of hands,"
Say parson, priest, and dervise,
"We consecrate your cash and lands
To ecclesiastic service.
No doubt you 'll swear till all is blue
At such an imposition. Do."
Polio Doncas,
IMPOSTOR, n. A rival aspirant to public honors.
IMPROBABILITY, n.
His tale he told with a solemn face
And a tender, melancholy grace.
Improbable't was, no doubt,
When you came to think it out,
But the fascinated crowd
Their deep surprise avowed
And all with a single voice averred
'T was the most amazing thing they 'd heard--
All save one who spake never a word,
But sat as mum
As if deaf and dumb,
Serene, indifferent, and unstirred.
Then all the others turned to him
And scrutinized him limb from limb--
Scanned him alive,
But he seemed to thrive
And tranquiler grow each minute,
As if there were nothing in it.
"What! what!" cried one, "are you not amazed
At what our friend has told?" He raised
Soberly then his eyes and gazed
In a natural way
And proceeded to say,
As he crossed his feet on the mantel-shelf:
"O no--not at all; I'ma liar myself."
IMPROVIDENCE, n. Provision for the needs of to-day from the revenues of
to-morrow.
IMPUNITY, n. Wealth.
INADMISSIBLE, adj. Not competent to be considered. Said of certain kinds
of testimony which juries are supposed to be unfit to be entrusted
with, and which judges, therefore, rule out, even of proceedings before
themselves alone. Hearsay evidence is inadmissible because the person
quoted was unsworn and is not before the court for examination; yet the
most momentous actions, military, political, commercial, and of every
other kind, are daily undertaken on hearsay evidence. There is no
religion in the world that has any other basis than hearsay evidence.
Revelation is hearsay evidence; that the Scriptures are the word of
God we have only the testimony of men long dead whose identity is not
clearly established and who are not known to have been sworn in any
sense. Under the rules of evidence as they now exist in this country, no
single assertion in the Bible has in its support any evidence admissible
in a court of law. It cannot be proved that the battle of Blenheim ever
was fought, that there was such a person as Julius Cæsar, such an empire
as Assyria. But as records of courts of justice are admissible, it can
easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed
and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession)
upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed
was without a flaw; it is still absolutely unimpeachable. The judges'
decisions based on it were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any
existing court was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of
witchcraft and sorcery for which so many suffered death. If there are no
witches, human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value.
INAUSPICIOUSLY, adv. In an unpromising manner, the auspices being
unfavorable. Among the Romans it was customary before undertaking any
important action or enterprise to obtain from the augurs, or state
prophets, some hint of its probable outcome; and one of their favorite
and most trustworthy modes of divination consisted in observing the
flight of birds----the omens thence derived being called auspices.
Newspaper reporters and certain miscreant lexicographers have
decided that the word--always in the plural--shall mean "patronage"
or "management"; as, "The festivities were under the auspices of the
Ancient and Honorable Order of Body-Snatchers"; or, "The hilarities were
auspicated by the Knights of Hunger."
A Roman slave appeared one day
Before the Augur. "Tell me, pray,
If--" here the Augur, smiling, made
A checking gesture and displayed
His open palm, which plainly itched,
For visibly its surface twitched.
An <i>obolus</i> (the Latin nickel)
Successfully allayed the tickle,
And then the slave proceeded: "Please
Inform me whether Fate decrees
Success or failure in what I
To-night (if it be dark) shall try.
Its nature? Never mind--I think
'T is writ on this"--and with a wink
Which darkened half the earth, he drew
Another <i>obolus</i> to view,
Its brazen face attentive scanned,
Then slipped it in the good man's hand,
Who with great gravity said: "Wait
While I retire to question Fate."
That holy person then withdrew
His sacred clay and passing through
The temple's rearward gate, cried "Shoo!"
Waving his robe of office. Straight
Each sacred peacock and its mate
(Maintained for Juno's favor) fled
With clamor from the trees overhead,
Where they were perching for the night.
The temple's roof received their flight,
For thither they would always go
When danger threatened them below.
Back to the slave the Augur went:
"My son, forecasting the event
By flight of birds, I must confess
The auspices deny success."
That slave retired, a sadder man,
Abandoning his secret plan--
Which was (as well the crafty seer
Had from the first divined) to clear
The wall and fraudulently seize
On Juno's poultry in the trees.