HUMANITY, n. The human race, collectively, exclusive of the anthropoid
poets.
HUMORIST, n. A plague that would have softened down the hoar austerity
of Pharaoh's heart and persuaded him to dismiss Israel with his best
wishes, cat-quick.
Lo! the poor humorist, whose tortured mind
Sees jokes in crowds, though still to gloom
inclined--
Whose simple appetite, untaught to stray,
His brains, renewed by night, consumes by day.
He thinks, admitted to an equal sty,
A graceful hog would bear his company.
Alexander Poke.
HURRICANE, n. An atmospheric demonstration once very common but now
generally abandoned for the tornado and cyclone. The hurricane is
still in popular use in the West Indies and is preferred by certain
oldfashioned sea-captains. It is also used in the construction of the
upper decks of steamboats, but generally speaking, the hurricane's
usefulness has outlasted it.
HURRY, n. The dispatch of bunglers.
HUSBAND, n. One who, having dined, is charged with the care of the
plate.
HYBRID, n. A pooled issue.
HYDRA, n. A kind of animal that the ancients catalogued under many
heads.
HYENA, n. A beast held in reverence by some oriental nations from its
habit of frequenting at night the burial-places of the dead. But the
observant medical student loathes the creature, for he knows why it goes
to the graveyard. He has met it there.
HYPOCHONDRIASIS, n. Depression of one's own spirits.
Some heaps of trash upon a vacant lot
Where long the village rubbish had been shot
Displayed a sign among the stuff and stumps--
"Hypochondriasis." It meant The Dumps.
Bogul S, Purvy.
HYPOCRITE, n. One who, professing virtues that he does not respect,
secures the advantage of seeming to be what he despises.
I
I is the first letter of the alphabet, the first word of the language,
the first thought of the mind, the first object of affection. In grammar
it is a pronoun of the first person and singular number. Its plural is
said to be We, but how there can be more than one myself is doubtless
clearer to the grammarians than it is to the author of this incomparable
dictionary. Conception of two myselves is difficult, but fine. The frank
yet graceful use of "I" distinguishes a good writer from a bad; the
latter carries it with the demeanor of the Impenitent Thief packing his
cross up Calvary.
ICHOR, n. A fluid that served the gods and goddesses in place of blood.
Fair Venus, speared by Diomed,
Restrained the raging chief and said:
"Behold, rash mortal, whom you 've bled--
Your soul's stained white with ichorshed!"
Mary Doke.
ICONOCLAST, n. A breaker of idols, the worshippers whereof are
imperfectly gratified by the performance, and most strenuously protest
that he unbuildeth but doth not reëdify, that he teareth down but pileth
not up. For the poor things would have other idols in place of those he
thwacketh upon the mazzard and dispelleth. But the iconoclast saith:
"Ye shall have none at all, for ye need them not; and if the rebuilder
fooleth round hereabout, behold I will depress the head of him and sit
thereon till he squawk it."
IDIOT, n. A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in
human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. The Idiot's
activity is not confined to any special field of thought or action, but
"pervades and regulates the whole." He has the last word in everything;
his decision is unappealable. He sets the fashions of opinion and taste,
dictates the limitations of speech and circumscribes conduct with a
deadline.
IDLENESS, n. A model farm where the devil experiments with seeds of new
sins and promotes the growth of untried vices.
IGNORAMUS, n. A person unacquainted with certain kinds of knowledge
familiar to yourself, and having certain other kinds that you know
nothing about.
Dumble was an ignoramus,
Mumble was for learning famous.
Mumble said one day to Dumble:
"Ignorance should be more humble.
Not a spark have you of knowledge
That was got in any college."
Dumble said to Mumble: "Truly
You 're self-satisfied unduly.
Of things in college I 'm denied
A knowledge--you of all outside."