FRANKALMOIGNE, n. The tenure by which a religious corporation holds
lands on condition of praying for the soul of the donor. In mediaeval
times many of the wealthiest fraternities obtained their estates in this
simple and cheap manner, and once when Henry VIII of England sent an
officer to confiscate certain vast possessions which a fraternity of
monks held by frankalmoigne, "What!" said the Prior, "would your master
stay our benefactor's soul in Purgatory?" "Ay," said the officer,
coldly, "an ye will not pray him thence for naught he must e'en roast."
"But look you, my son," persisted the good man, "this act hath rank as
robbery of God!" "Nay, nay, good father, my master the king doth but
deliver Him from the manifold temptations of too great wealth."
FREEBOOTER, n. A conqueror in a small way of business, whose annexations
lack the sanctifying merit of magnitude.
FREEDOM, n. Exemption from the stress of authority in a beggarly
half dozen of restraint's infinite multitude of methods. A political
condition that every nation supposes itself to enjoy in practical
monopoly. Liberty. The distinction between freedom and liberty is not
accurately known; naturalists have never been able to find a living
specimen of either.
Freedom, as every schoolboy knows,
Once shrieked as Kosciusko fell;
On every wind, indeed, that blows
I hear her yell.
She screams whenever monarchs meet,
And parliaments as well,
To bind the chains about her feet
And toll her knell.
And when the sovereign people cast
The votes they cannot spell,
Upon the lung-impested blast
Her clamors swell.
For all to whom the power's given
To sway or to compel,
Among themselves apportion heaven
And give her hell.
Blary O' Gary,
FREEMASONS, n. An order with secret rites, grotesque ceremonies, and
fantastic costumes, which, originating in the reign of Charles II, among
working artisans of London, has been joined successively by the dead of
past centuries in unbroken retrogression until now it embraces all
the generations of man on the hither side of Adam and is drumming up
distinguished recruits among the pre-Creational inhabitants of Chaos
and the Formless Void. The order was founded at different times by
Charlemagne, Julius Caesar, Cyrus, Solomon, Zoroaster, Confucius,
Thothmes, and Buddha. Its emblems and symbols have been found in the
Catacombs of Paris and Rome, on the stones of the Parthenon and the
Chinese Great Wall, among the temples of Karnak and Palmyra and in the
Egyptian Pyramids--always by a Freemason.
FRIENDLESS, adj. Having no favors to bestow. Destitute of fortune.
Addicted to utterance of truth and common sense.
FRIENDSHIP, n. A ship big enough to carry two in fair weather, but none
in foul.
The sea was calm and the sky was blue;
Merrily, merrily sailed we two.
(High barometer maketh glad.)
On the tipsy ship, with a dreadful shout,
The tempest descended and we fell out.
(O the walking is nasty bad!)
Armit Huff Bettle.
FROG, n. An amphibious reptile with edible kickers. When young, this
creature is called a Mary wog or Thaddeuspole, and as such maintains
a tail, subsequently eschewed. The first mention of frogs in profane
literature is in Homer's narrative of the war between them and the mice.
Skeptical persons have doubted Homer's authorship of the work, but the
learned, ingenious, and industrious Dr. Schliemann has set the question
forever at rest by uncovering the bones of the slain frogs. One of the
forms of moral suasion by which Pharaoh was lobbied in favor of the
Israelites was a plague of frogs, but Pharaoh, who liked them fricasêe,
remarked, with truly oriental stoicism, that he could stand it as long
as the frogs and the Jews could; so the programme was changed. The frog
is a diligent songster, having a good voice but no ear. The libretto of
his favorite opera, as written by Aristophanes, is brief, simple, and
effective--"brekekex-koâx"; the music is apparently by that eminent
composer, Richard Wagner. Horses have a frog in each hoof-- a thoughtful
provision of nature, enabling them to jump.
FRYING-PAN, n. One part of the penal apparatus employed in that
hell-upon-earth, a woman's kitchen. The frying-pan was invented by
Calvin, and by him used in scrambling span-long infants that had died
without baptism; but observing one day the horrible torment of a
tramp who had incautiously pulled a fried babe from the waste-dump and
devoured it, it occurred to the great divine to rob death of its terrors
by introducing the frying-pan into every household in Geneva. Thence
it spread to all corners of the world, and has been of invaluable
assistance in the propagation of his sombre faith. The following lines
(said to be from the pen of His Grace Bishop Potter) seem to imply that
the usefulness of this utensil is not limited to this world; but as the
consequences of its employment in this life reach over into the life
to come, so also itself may be found on the other side, rewarding its
devotees:
Old Nick was summoned to the skies.
Said Peter: "Your intentions
Are good, but you lack enterprise
Concerning new inventions.
"Now, broiling is an ancient plan
Of torment, but I hear it
Reported that the frying-pan
Sears best the wicked spirit.
"Go get one--fill it up with fat--
Fry sinners brown and good in 't."
"I know a trick worth two o' that,"
Said Nick--"I 'll cook their food in't."
FUNERAL, n. A pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by
enriching the undertaker, and strengthen our grief by an expenditure
that deepens our groans and doubles our tears.
The savage dies--they sacrifice a horse
To bear to happy hunting-grounds the corse.
Our friends expire--we make the money fly
In hope their souls will chase it through the sky.
Jex Wopley.
FUTURE, n. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends
are true, and our happiness is assured.
Q
GALLOWS, n. A stage for the performance of miracle plays, in which the
leading actor is translated to heaven. In this country the gallows is
chiefly remarkable for the number of persons who escape it.
Whether on the gallows high
Or where blood flows the reddest.
The noblest place for man to die--
Is where he dies the deadest.
Old Play.
GARGOYLE, n. A rain-spout projecting from the eaves of mediæval
buildings, commonly fashioned into a grotesque caricature of some
personal enemy of the architect or owner of the building. This was
especially the case in churches and ecclesiastical structures generally,
in which the gargoyles presented a perfect rogues' gallery of local
heretics and controversialists. Sometimes when a new dean and chapter
were installed the old gargoyles were removed and others substituted
having a closer relation to the private animosities of the new
incumbents.
GARTER, n. An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of
her stockings and desolating the country. An order of merit established
by Edward III of England, and conferred upon persons who have
distinguished themselves in the royal favor.
GENEROUS, adj. Originally this word meant noble by birth and was rightly
applied to a great multitude of persons. It now means noble by nature,
and is taking a bit of a rest.
GENEALOGY, n. An account of one's descent from an ancestor who did not
particularly care to trace his own.
GENTEEL, adj. Refined, after the fashion of a gent.
Observe with care, my son, the distinction I reveal:
A gentleman is gentle and a gent genteel.
Heed not the definitions your "Unabridged" presents,
For dictionary makers are generally gents.