CROSS, n. An ancient religious symbol erroneously supposed to owe its
significance to the most solemn event in the history of Christianity,
but really antedating it by thousands of years. By many it has been
believed to be identical with the crux ansata of the ancient phallic
worship, but it has been traced even beyond all that we know of that,
to the rites of primitive peoples. We have today the White Cross as
a symbol of chastity, and the Red Cross as a badge of benevolent
neutrality in war. Having in mind the former, the reverend Father
Gassalasca Jape smites the lyre to the effect following:
"Be good, be good!" the sisterhood
Cry out in holy chorus;
And, to dissuade from sin, parade
Their various charms before us.
But why, O why, has ne'er an eye
Seen her of winsome manner
And youthful grace and pretty face
Flaunting the White Cross banner?
Now where's the need of speech and screed
To better our behaving?
A simpler plan for saving man
(But, first, is he worth saving?)
Is, dears, when he declines to flee
From bad thoughts that beset him,
Ignores the Law as't were a straw,
And wants to sin--don't let him.
CUI BQNO? [Latin] What good would that do me?
CUNNING, n. The faculty that distinguishes a weak animal or person from
a strong one. It brings its possessor much mental satisfaction and great
material adversity. An Italian proverb says: "The furrier gets the skins
of more foxes than asses."
CUPID, n. The so-called god of love. This bastard creation of a
barbarous fancy was no doubt inflicted upon mythology for the sins of
its deities. Of all unbeautiful and inappropriate conceptions this is
the most reasonless and offensive. The notion of symbolizing sexual love
by a semisexless babe, and comparing the pains of passion to the wounds
of an arrow --of introducing this pudgy homunculus into art grossly
to materialize the subtle spirit and suggestion of the work--this is
eminently worthy of the age that, giving it birth, laid it on the
doorstep of posterity.
CURIOSITY, n. An objectionable quality of the female mind. The desire to
know whether or not a woman is cursed with curiosity is one of the most
active and insatiable passions of the masculine soul.
CURSE, v. t. Energetically to belabor with a verbal slap-stick. This is
an operation which in literature, particularly in the drama, is commonly
fatal to the victim. Nevertheless, the liability to a cursing is a risk
that cuts but a small figure in fixing the rates of life insurance.
CYNIC, n. A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not
as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking
out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
D
DAMN, int. A word formerly much used by the Paphlagonians, the meaning
of which is lost. By the learned Dr. Dolabelly Gak it is believed to
have been a term of satisfaction, implying the highest possible degree
of mental tranquillity. Professor Groke, on the other hand, thinks it
expressed an emotion of tumultuous delight, because it so frequently
occurs in combination with the word jod or god, meaning "joy." It would
be with great diffidence that I should advance an opinion conflicting
with that of either of these formidable authorities.
DANCE, v. i. To leap about to the sound of tittering music, preferably
with arms about your neighbor's wife or daughter. There are many kinds
of dances, but all those requiring the participation of the two sexes
have two characteristics in common: they are conspicuously innocent, and
warmly loved by the guilty.
DANGER, n.
A savage beast which, when it sleeps,
Man girds at and despises,
But takes himself away by leaps
And bounds when it arises.
Ambat Delaso,
DARING, n. One of the most conspicuous qualities of a man in security.
DATARY, n. A high ecclesiastical official of the Roman Catholic Church,
whose important function is to brand the Pope's bulls with the words
Datum Romæ. He enjoys a princely revenue and the friendship of God.
DAWN, n. The time when men of reason go to bed. Certain old men prefer
to rise at about that time, taking a cold bath and a long walk, with an
empty stomach, and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They then point with
pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy health and ripe
years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, not because of
their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find only robust
persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the others who have
tried it.
DAY, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent. This period is
divided into two parts, the day proper and the night, or day improper--
the former devoted to sins of business, the latter consecrated to the
other sort. These two kinds of social activity overlap.
DEAD, adj.
Done with the work of breathing; done
With all the world; the mad race run
Through to the end; the golden goal
Attained and found to be a hole!
Squatol Johnes.
DEBAUCHEE, n. One who has so earnestly pursued pleasure that he has had
the misfortune to overtake it.
DEBT, n. An ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the
slavedriver.
As, pent in an aquarium, the troutlet
Swims round and round his tank to find an outlet,
Pressing his nose against the glass that holds him,
Nor ever sees the prison that enfolds him;
So the poor debtor, seeing naught around him,
Yet feels the limits pitiless that bound him;
Grieves at his debt and studies to evade it,
And finds at last he might as well have paid it.
Barlow S. Vode.
DECALOGUE, n. A series of commandments, ten in number--just enough
to permit an intelligent selection for observance, but not enough to
embarrass the choice. Following is the revised edition of the Decalogue,
calculated for this meridian.
Thou shalt no God but me adore:
'T were too expensive to have more.
No images nor idols make
For Robert Ingersoll to break.
Take not God's name in vain; select
A time when it will have effect.
Work not on Sabbath days at all,
But go to see the teams play ball.
Honor thy parents. That creates
For life insurance lower rates.
Kill not, abet not those who kill;
Thou shalt not pay thy butcher's bill.
Kiss not thy neighbor's wife, unless
Thine own thy neighbor doth caress.
Don't steal; thou 'lt never thus compete
Successfully in business. Cheat.
Bear not false witness--that is low--
But "hear't is rumored so and so."
Covet thou naught that thou hast not
By hook or crook, or somehow, got.
DECIDE, v. i. To succumb to the preponderance of one set of influences
over another set.
A leaf was riven from a tree,
"I mean to fall to earth," said he.
The west wind, rising, made him veer
"Eastward," said he, I mean to steer."
The east wind rose with greater force.
Said he: "'T were wise to change my course."
With equal power they contend.