AUCTIONEER, n. The man who proclaims with a hammer that he has picked a
pocket with his tongue.
AUSTRALIA, n. A country lying in the South Sea, whose industrial and
commercial development has been unspeakably retarded by an unfortunate
dispute among geographers as to whether it is a continent or an island.
AVERNUS, n. The lake by which the ancients entered the infernal regions.
The fact that access to the infernal regions was obtained by a lake is
believed by the learned Marcus Ansello Scrutator to have suggested the
Christian rite of baptism by immersion. This, however, has been shown by
Lactantius to be an error.
Facilis descensus Avertit,
The poet remarks; and the sense
Of it is that when down hill I turn I
Will get more of punches than pence.
Jehal Dai Lupe.
AVERSION, n. The feeling that one has for the plate after he has eaten
its contents, madam.
B
BAAL, n. A deity formerly much worshipped under various names. As Baal
he was popular with the Phoenicians; as Belus or Bel he had the honor
to be served by the priest Berosus, who wrote the famous account of the
Deluge; as Babel he had a tower partly erected to his glory on the Plain
of Shinar. From Babel comes our English word "babble." Under whatever
name worshipped, Baal is the Sun-god. As Beelzebub he is the god of
flies, which are begotten of the sun's rays on stagnant water. In
Physicia Baal is still worshipped as Bolus, and as Belly he is adored
and served with abundant sacrifice by the priests of Guttle and Swig.
BABB, or BABY, n. A misshapen creature of no particular age, sex, or
condition, chiefly remarkable for the violence of the sympathies and
antipathies it excites in others, itself without sentiment or emotion.
There have been famous babes; for example, little Moses, from whose
adventure in the bulrushes the Egyptian hierophants of seven centuries
before doubtless derived their idle tale of the child Osiris being
preserved on a floating lotus leaf.
Ere babes were invented
The girls were contented.
Now man is tormented
Until to buy babes he has squandered
His money. And so I have pondered
This thing, and thought may be
'T were better that Baby
The First had been eagled or condored.
Ro Amil.
BACCHUS, w. A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for
getting drunk.
Is public worship, then, a sin,
That for devotions paid to Bacchus
The lictors dare to run us in,
And resolutely thump and whack us?
Horace.
BACK, n. That part of your friend which it is your privilege to
contemplate in your adversity.
BACKBITE, v. t. To "speak of a man as you find him" when he can't find
you.
BAIT, n. A preparation that renders the hook more palatable. The best
kind is beauty.
BAPTISM, n. A sacred rite of such efficacy that he who finds himself
in heaven without having undergone it will be unhappy forever. It is
performed with water in two ways-- by immersion, or plunging, and by
aspersion, or sprinkling.
But whether the plan of immersion
Is better than simple aspersion
Let those immersed
And those aspersed
Decide by the Authorized Version,
And by matching their agues tertian.