III.

In his Fast-Day sermon Dr. Burge delivered himself of much weighty

testimony against those thaumaturgical incantations of heathenism which

had been revived among us. With his splendor of clerical pause and

emphasis he read the denunciations against a sinful nation to which the

prophet Isaiah has affixed the awful words,--"Saith the Lord, the Lord

of Hosts."

"And they shall fight every one against his brother, and every one

against his neighbor, city against city, and kingdom against kingdom."

Here the preacher's dark eyes left the sacred volume, and seemed to gaze

upon some coming struggle in which the sins of the people would meet a

bloody retribution. Then, referring to the page, he pronounced with

bitterness of holy indignation the prophetic curse which was that day

fulfilled in our cherished New England.

"And they shall seek to the idols, and to the charmers, and to them that

have familiar spirits, and to the wizards."

The sermon made no more visible impression upon the sinful portion of

the congregation than homilies against novel and pleasant indulgences

are wont to do.

"The Apostle was right, after all," said Colonel Prowley, quoting the

text upon the meeting-house steps; "we _should_ 'try the spirits.'"

"No objection to that," said the post-master; "but here's Dr. Burge

tells us to keep out of their way, and call them all humbugs, without

trying them at all."

The gentleman referred to joined our party upon the meeting-house

green, and accompanied us home.

As we entered the house, our ears were saluted by a sort of scuffling

noise, with an accompaniment of broken English. Miss Turligood, highly

charged with the Detached Vitalized Electricity, or some stimulant of

equal potency, ran to meet us in the entry, to enjoin silence and a

passive state of mind before entering the parlor. The manifestations

during service had been most wonderful. Twynintuft had lifted the table

to the ceiling, with Mr. Stellato clinging to the legs. Mrs. Colfodder

had had her back-hair taken down, and the housemaid was certain that

somebody tried to kiss her.

We made for the parlor with all convenient speed. Notwithstanding the

solemn adjurations of Dr. Burge, we entertained guilty hopes of seeing

some of the marvels which had become such positive drugs in our absence.

But to _see_ anything was, for a long time, out of the question; for the

spirits had insisted upon having the shutters closed, and shawls pinned

up before the cracks in the same, ere they would favor mortals with an

exhibition. Finally, dim outlines revealed themselves through the

obscurity. We made out a female figure (it was the cook, so Miss Prowley

whispered) who was haranguing the assembly at the rate of a word every

thirty seconds, or thereabouts.

_Cook as Twynintuft:_--"I am Mister Twynintuft. I set lots by you all. I

left my bright spirit-home to come here to-day. The squashes was musty

afore they was brought into the house. No blame to the cook. Them

pickled termarterses couldn't keep into spring, and so I tell you now.

The spheres is a dry place, and everythin' is most a-beautiful here."

_Betty, the housemaid, loquitur._--(She appears in the character of

Red-Jacket, a popular personation upon these occasions,--it being very

easy to talk _Indian_ by the simple recipe of transposing the nominative

and objective cases of the personal pronoun.) "Me don't like what you

say, old Twyney! I's name's Red-Jacket. Pale-face give fire-water to I.

The squashes was good enough till cook left 'em out in the rain. Me have

hunting-ground in fifth sphere. When me puts up tomatoes in the

spirit-world, me rosins 'em when they bile. Great influence comes from I

to-day; also, much development."

"Dr. Burge," whispered I, "you claim to have devoted some time to the

examination of these delusions; but I will venture to say you have never

witnessed anything so humiliating as this!"

"My dear Sir," murmured the Doctor in return, "the remark shows you to

be a novice indeed. Why, I have listened to hours of no better drivel

than this, fathered, not upon Indians and unknown elocutionists, but

upon some of the wisest and most saintly spirits whose mortal teachings

ever blessed mankind."

"Do you think these people voluntary impostors?"

"No; it would be nearer the truth to say that they are voluntary victims

of a mental epidemic like that which developed itself in the St. Vitus's

dance of the Middle Ages. The subjects of that disease went through the

same spasms, convulsions, and painful racking of the limbs which

accompany such cases of this personation as are not designed deceptions.

Even those accidentally present, when the effects of the ancient

contagion were exhibited, became infected and were irresistibly impelled

to join in the extravagance. Look at Miss Turligood and Mr. Stellato,

and see if the parallel is not supported."

The individuals named were seen to be twisting themselves up and making

an awkward sort of obeisance to the housemaid, who (still as Red-Jacket)

thus delivered herself:--

"Me goin' to dancey war-dance. Great Spirit sends lots more Indians come

dancey too."

A cry of acquiescence,--perchance intended for a ghostly war-whoop,--and

the beloved of my Lord Byron broke into a savage polka.

Stellato seized a paper-knife, and proceeded to scalp a chair with

merciless ferocity.

Those unfortunate ladies, Miss Branly and Miss Turligood, were unable to

resist the infection, and so sprang among the party, whirled about, and

exhibited absurdities painful and unnecessary to relate.

"By the Muse of my ancestor the Poet!" exclaimed Colonel Prowley,

indignantly, "I will no longer endure this clumsy travesty of that

choric saltation with which Apollo was said to inspire his Pythian

virgins. Dr. Burge, you will oblige me by pulling down that shawl!

Sister, you will please to open the shutters of the south window!"

The requests were instantly complied with. The wholesome sunlight burst

into the room, and checked, as if by magic, the unseemly mumming of

these deluded convulsionaries. Mrs. Colfodder sank down exhausted upon

the sofa. Betty ceased to be Red-Jacket. Mr. Stellato gave up his

scalping-knife, flopped feebly upon a chair, and again became a

transparent jelly-fish of philosophy and water. It was harder to bring

Miss Turligood to herself, by reason of the singular intractability of

the squaw who had taken possession of the premises, and was only to be

dislodged by much tediousness of argument and adjuration. At length,

however, even this was accomplished. The Indians sulked off into space,

and their terrestrial mediums once more prepared to collect about the

table.

"Why, bless me! past one, I declare!" said Miss Turligood, consulting

her watch. "How spirits do make the time pass! A brief adjournment for

dinner will now take place. The circle will meet for renewed

investigation this afternoon at three o'clock. Every member will be

punctual. Remember, in this place, at three o'clock."

"Stay," said Miss Prowley, in a gentle, but at the same time decided

tone; "it will not be convenient to us to receive this party again. The

presence of friends from the city, who are in Foxden only for the day,

renders a meeting this afternoon out of the question. And having once

broken up our regular sittings, it will not be worth while to resume

them,--at least, here."

"But, Madam, Madam, you forget that the spirits have positively

commanded us to hold sittings in your parlor three times a day till

further notice!" gasped Miss Turligood, in extreme astonishment.

"I do not recognize the authority of the spirits. They have no right to

dictate the uses of my parlor."

Here was a confession indeed on the part of Miss Prowley. _Not recognize

the authority of the spirits!_ Miss Turligood fairly staggered, when she

heard the impious announcement. The smooth sciolist Stellato rallied his

weak wits and uttered a cry of wonder at such flagitious heresy. The

future Lady Byron, taking as a deliberate insult any doubts of the

identity and authority of her posthumous spouse, threw up her arms in

horror, and trotted out of the house.

Finally, we got rid of them all,--_how_, I don't exactly remember, and

if I did, it would not concern the reader to know. We delivered Miss

Turligood over to her Irishman, (who had brought a carryall with him

this time,) and charged him never to drive her back; Betty and the cook

were restored to the kitchen; Stellato and Miss Branly disappeared, no

one could say where.

"And now," exclaimed Colonel Prowley, with a sigh of relief, "let us

forget this nonsense, and go to dinner,--for the spirits have given me

an appetite, if nothing else."

"Then you intend to follow what I understand to be the teaching of your

invisible visitors," remarked Dr. Burge, pleasantly.

"How so?"

"You do not recognize Fast-Day."

"Ha! ha!" laughed the Colonel; "I doubt if the ghosts were quite

unreasonable about that."

"Nay, brother, you should tell our good minister that we have but a cold

collation, and that prepared on the previous day, as is our custom on

the Sabbath," urged Miss Prowley, with the dignity of an exact and

consistent housekeeper.

"It is as well we have," was the reply; "for those precious Indians,

although wise in medicine, knew little enough about cookery. They would

have made sorry work, had it been necessary to give a culinary direction

to the inspirations of our damsels below-stairs."

"And yet, after all," resumed our host, meditatively, and after a

moment's pause, "it seems scarcely right to make a jest of this matter;

for, although the manifestations of to-day have been ridiculous

enough,--yet--really--when I think of some of those instructive

observations of poor Sir Joseph Barley"----

The remark was never concluded, for a sudden rattling and whoaing and

bumping of baggage was heard. The interruption came from before the

front-door. The "Railroad-Omnibus" had driven up to the house.

"It is, doubtless, my good friend Professor Owlsdarck," said Colonel

Prowley,--courteously rebuking an exclamation of astonishment from his

sister, who had gone to the window;--"to be sure, we did not expect him

to-day, but he is ever a most welcome guest."

"But it is _not_ Professor Owlsdarck!" cried the sister, in shrillest

tones of feminine amazement. "That portly figure to which the pencil of

the artist has done such feeble justice! the spectacles with the square

glasses! the enormous seal of the Sextons!--it can be but one man!"

"What! you don't mean"----

"Yes, but I _do_ mean! Come and see for yourself!"

"A ghost in an omnibus! Why, sister, sister, the

Detached--what-you-may-call-it has got into your head,--or, heavens! can

it be that our unbelief is punished with this frightful manifestation?"

"It is Sir Joseph Barley himself!" ejaculated Miss Prowley.

"Surrounded by his bank of silver-tunicked attendants?" gasped the

Colonel, in desperate interrogation.

"No, no, nothing of the kind," said Dr. Burge, assuringly; "he has not

brought even a footman."

And it _was_ Sir Joseph Barley,--in the flesh,--and in a good deal of

it, too;--Sir Joseph Barley, full to overflowing with talk and

compliments. He had long planned a journey to America, and a surprise to

his Fellow-Sexton in Foxden. The trip had been necessarily postponed

from week to week, and then from month to month. Always expecting to

leave by the next steamer, he had never thought it worth while to write.

Had been on shore exactly nine hours, was delighted with the country,

and had already written the first chapter of a book about it. Was,

nevertheless, surprised to see none of the native Red Men upon the wharf

when the Canada arrived. Should have thought the spectacle would have

been both novel and imposing to them. After dinner, would, with

permission, go into the forests about Foxden, and visit this singular

people in their national wigwams.

How picture the delight of hospitable Colonel Prowley, when, volubly

delivering these and other sentiments, the High Priest and Potentate

over all Sextondom entered the parlor and made himself comfortable in a

rocking-chair?

There is no need to dwell upon the matronly bustle of Miss Prowley, who,

utterly ignoring the proper ordinances of the day, proceeded to send to

the hotel for a beefsteak and a bottle of British Stout which could be

warranted of genuine importation.

"And stop, stop, sister!" whispered the Colonel, pursuing her to the

door; "the idea seems absurd, to be sure, but still don't you think it

barely possible, that, if Betty ran down to the river and caught a few

of those snapping-turtles sunning themselves upon the old log, we might

boil them into something which would faintly remind Sir Joseph of the

Lord Mayor's soup?"

This proposition being dismissed as impracticable,--first, by reason of

the notorious unwillingness of the turtles to be caught, and, waiving

that objection, because of the length of time it would take to achieve

any passable imitation of the aldermanic dainty,--I was moved to an

_aside_-declaration to the effect that my slight observation of the

tastes of British tourists in the Federal States led to the suggestion

of _oysters_ as delicacies not wholly unlikely to find favor with their

eminent guest.

An explosion of impulsive gratitude responded to the hint. There was a

new "saloon" just opened in Main Street,--Betty should stop there and

leave a generous order.

Well! it was some time before we were summoned to our amended dinner;

but, when we did get it, it was a dinner worth waiting for.

Sir Joseph Barley--Heaven bless him!--knew nothing of that smattering of

Cosmos into which we hungry New-Englanders are wont to thrust our wits.

He bluntly declared that he had never heard of Detached Vitalized

Electricity, Woman's Rights, or Harmonial Development; also, he was

delightfully confident that--he, Sir Joseph Barley, British subject,

_not_ having heard of them--they could not, by any possibility, be worth

hearing about. Moreover, he had not read a word of Carlyle, and

positively did not know of the existence of any English poet called

Browning. Dr. Burge, he thoughtfully suggested, had probably mistaken

the name; it was Byron, or possibly Bulwer, about whom he wished to

inquire. The former of these personages was a British Peer, and a writer

of some celebrity; he was, however, no longer living, having never

recovered from a fever he took at a place called Missolonghi, in

Greece;--the latter had written a book entitled "Pelham," once popular,

but now thought inferior to a series of romances known in Great Britain

as the "Waverley Novels"; these were the work of one Scott, a native of

Edinburgh, whom George IV. honored with a baronetcy,--a splendid

recompense for his great literary industry.

This, and much other information, adapted to our rude plantation in the

New-England wilderness, did Sir Joseph patronizingly impart. And it was

good to meet a man with a sense of corporeal identity so honest and

satisfactory. A cynic might have said that his mind moved in rather

narrow limits. But then within those limits he was so ruddy and jubilant

that I could not but remember something Shakspeare says about the ease

of being bounded in a nutshell and yet counting one's self king of

infinite space,--were it not for bad dreams. These "bad dreams" had

never retarded the British digestion of Sir Joseph Barley. No American

citizen could, by any possibility, be so shut in measureless content. It

is only a very few of our well-to-do women of the Mrs. Widesworth

class--ladies inclining to knitting and corpulency in the afternoon of

life--who possess the like faculty of warming society with the blaze of

an ecstatic egotism. Well, there are moments--why not confess it? for is

not man body as well as soul?--when it is a relief to get away from our

mystics, system-mongers, and peerers into the future, and claim a

brotherhood after the flesh with your average Briton, who looks out of

his comfortable present only to look into his comfortable past. Yet let

this estate be temporary; for it is well to return to our thin diet,

and, instead of jolly after-dinner talk, repeat the high and aspiring

phrases of certain New-Englanders who lead the generous thought and life

of a continent. Phrases! Yes, but how many nebulous ideas, think you,

would it take to stuff out their hollowness? Nay, my objecting friend,

if the ideas are not wholly clear, nor immediately practicable, they are

seldom shallow, and never mean. If the wisdom of our true seers

sometimes seems poured out in thin dilution, it nevertheless soon

hardens to a thousand shining crystals upon men of worldly enterprise

and grasp. And why this digression? I think its suggestion lay in the

fact that Sir Joseph, being the type of the ordinary Englishman, held

and imparted a fine sunniness of temper, and a perfectly balanced

serenity,--good gifts, which, so far as my experience goes, are

possessed in full measure by only one or two exceptional Americans, and

these men of high and acknowledged genius.

"I don't understand it, upon my honor," cried our visitor, after we had

endeavored to explain to him his own spiritual intrusion on the previous

evening. "I have heard of Doctor Pordage and the Dragon, and of the

Drummer of Tedworth; but when you tell a sane British subject that his

apparition comes before him, and takes, as it were, the froth off his

welcome"----

"No, no, my dear friend," interrupted Colonel Prowley, "you must know

that nothing could do that! As to the obituary I had written, it may do

for some other time,--for, indeed, my felicity in such compositions has

been highly commended, and this by mundane authorities of no common

weight."

"Let us change the subject," said Sir Joseph, dryly; "I have no wish to

test your powers in that direction; and so long as I don't give up the

ghost, I suppose you must."

"I would only say this," observed the Colonel,--"that in your book upon

America I hope you will not fail to declare, that, in folly, deception,

and unmitigated humbug, our Foxden spirits exceed all others ever seen

or heard."

"Sir Joseph Barley would be a foolish chronicler to commit himself to

any such statement," said Dr. Burge, who seemed to feel it his duty to

speak the moral _tag_ to our little Fast-Day interlude. "I cannot allow

that these Foxden manifestations are one whit more silly or equivocal

than many I have seen elsewhere. This shamming the ghost of somebody

still alive is no uncommon deception: several cases of the sort have

come under my recent observation. And it is well that they sometimes

occur; for they must cause reflection in all who are not victims of a

mental disorder which seems to confound the reasoning powers of

man,--causing its subjects to accept as teachers phantoms of their

morbid imaginations, or deceiving intelligences from without. To all, I

say, but such as these, an imposition of the sort here noticed must send

reflections of our total inability to identify any pretended spirit

merely because he flatters our vanity, or talks what may seem _to us_

good morality or sound sense."

Dr. Burge had laid aside his knife and fork, and had launched bravely

forth upon his theme. Sir Joseph moved uneasily. Things were getting

serious. Our host happily interposed,--

"Very true, Doctor, all very true;--yet there is one piece of wisdom

regulating the spiritual practice which now seems worth considering."

"And what is that, pray?"

"They do not recognize Fast-Day."

"Well, well," said Dr. Burge, taking the hint with the utmost

good-humor, "perhaps they were not altogether wrong there; and so I will

trouble Miss Prowley for a bit more of the steak, and----No, thank you,

no beer for me; I am a water-drinker of twenty years' standing."

"The toast I am about to propose," observed Colonel Prowley, "may, with

exceeding propriety, be drunk in water,--that is, whenever

milk-and-water is not to be had:--

_"Our spiritual demagogues, much weaker than our political ones, may

they not be as much worse!"_

"And there is one other sentiment," said good Dr. Burge, brimming over

with an honest hilarity,--"a toast which I should be willing to drink in

pretty strong--coffee."

"I have not forgotten that," exclaimed our host, proffering a hearty

shake of the hand to the High Senior Governour and Primitive Patriarch

of All Sextons,--

_"Health and a long life to Sir Joseph Barley!"_