PORTEOUS. Sheraton, my dear. Sheraton.
LADY KITTY. Yes, that's what I say. I acted the screen scene at some
amateur theatricals in Florence, and Ermeto Novelli, the great Italian
tragedian, told me he'd never seen a Lady Teazle like me.
PORTEOUS. Ugh!
LADY KITTY. [_To ELIZABETH._] Do you act?
ELIZABETH. Oh, I couldn't. I should be too nervous.
LADY KITTY. I'm never nervous. I'm a born actress. Of course, if I had
my time over again I'd go on the stage. You know, it's extraordinary
how they keep young. Actresses, I mean. I think it's because they're
always playing different parts. Hughie, do you think Arnold takes
after me or after his father? Of course I think he's the very image of
me. Arnold, I think I ought to tell you that I was received into the
Catholic Church last winter. I'd been thinking about it for years, and
last time we were at Monte Carlo I met such a nice monsignore. I told
him what my difficulties were and he was too wonderful. I knew Hughie
wouldn't approve, so I kept it a secret. [_To ELIZABETH._] Are you
interested in religion? I think it's too wonderful. We must have a
long talk about it one of these days. [_Pointing to her frock._]
Callot?
ELIZABETH. No, Worth.
LADY KITTY. I knew it was either Worth or Callot. Of course, it's line
that's the important thing. I go to Worth myself, and I always say to
him, "Line, my dear Worth, line." What _is_ the matter, Hughie?
PORTEOUS. These new teeth of mine are so damned uncomfortable.
LADY KITTY. Men are extraordinary. They can't stand the smallest
discomfort. Why, a woman's life is uncomfortable from the moment she
gets up in the morning till the moment she goes to bed at night. And
d'you think it's comfortable to sleep with a mask on your face?
PORTEOUS. They don't seem to hold up properly.
LADY KITTY. Well, that's not the fault of your teeth. That's the fault
of your gums.
PORTEOUS. Damned rotten dentist. That's what's the matter.
LADY KITTY. I thought he was a very nice dentist. He told me _my_
teeth would last till I was fifty. He has a Chinese room. It's so
interesting; while he scrapes your teeth he tells you all about the
dear Empress Dowager. Are you interested in China? I think it's too
wonderful. You know they've cut off their pigtails. I think it's such
a pity. They were so picturesque.
[_The BUTLER comes in._
BUTLER. Luncheon is served, sir.
ELIZABETH. Would you like to see your rooms?
PORTEOUS. We can see our rooms after luncheon.
LADY KITTY. I must powder my nose, Hughie.
PORTEOUS. Powder it down here.
LADY KITTY. I never saw anyone so inconsiderate.
PORTEOUS. You'll keep us all waiting half an hour. I know you.
LADY KITTY. [_Fumbling in her bag._] Oh, well, peace at any price, as
Lord Beaconsfield said.
PORTEOUS. He said a lot of damned silly things, Kitty, but he never
said that.
[_LADY KITTY'S face changes. Perplexity is followed by dismay, and
dismay by consternation._
LADY KITTY. Oh!
ELIZABETH. What is the matter?
LADY KITTY. [_With anguish._] My lip-stick!
ELIZABETH. Can't you find it?
LADY KITTY. I had it in the car. Hughie, you remember that I had it in
the car.
PORTEOUS. I don't remember anything about it.
LADY KITTY. Don't be so stupid, Hughie. Why, when we came through the
gates I said: "My home, my home!" and I took it out and put some on my
lips.
ELIZABETH. Perhaps you dropped it in the car.
LADY KITTY. For heaven's sake send some one to look for it.
ARNOLD. I'll ring.
LADY KITTY. I'm absolutely lost without my lip-stick. Lend me yours,
darling, will you?
ELIZABETH. I'm awfully sorry. I'm afraid I haven't got one.
LADY KITTY. Do you mean to say you don't use a lip-stick?
ELIZABETH. Never.
PORTEOUS. Look at her lips. What the devil d'you think she wants muck
like that for?
LADY KITTY. Oh, my dear, what a mistake you make! You _must_ use a
lip-stick. It's so good for the lips. Men like it, you know. I
couldn't _live_ without a lip-stick.
[_CHAMPION-CHENEY appears at the window holding in his upstretched
hand a little gold case._
C.-C. [_As he comes in._] Has anyone here lost a diminutive utensil
containing, unless I am mistaken, a favourite preparation for the
toilet?
[_ARNOLD and ELIZABETH are thunderstruck at his appearance and even
TEDDIE and ANNA are taken aback. But LADY KITTY is overjoyed._
LADY KITTY. My lip-stick!
C.-C. I found it in the drive and I ventured to bring it in.
LADY KITTY. It's Saint Antony. I said a little prayer to him when I
was hunting in my bag.
PORTEOUS. Saint Antony be blowed! It's Clive, by God!
LADY KITTY. [_Startled, her attention suddenly turning from the
lip-stick._] Clive!
C.-C. You didn't recognise me. It's many years since we met.
LADY KITTY. My poor Clive, your hair has gone quite white!
C.-C. [_Holding out his hand._] I hope you had a pleasant journey down
from London.
LADY KITTY. [_Offering him her cheek._] You may kiss me, Clive.
C.-C. [_Kissing her._] You don't mind, Hughie?
PORTEOUS. [_With a grunt._] Ugh!
C.-C. [_Going up to him cordially._] And how are you, my dear Hughie?
PORTEOUS. Damned rheumatic if you want to know. Filthy climate you
have in this country.
C.-C. Aren't you going to shake hands with me, Hughie?
PORTEOUS. I have no objection to shaking hands with you.
C.-C. You've aged, my poor Hughie.
PORTEOUS. Some one was asking me how old you were the other day.
C.-C. Were they surprised when you told them?
PORTEOUS. Surprised! They wondered you weren't dead.
[_The BUTLER comes in._
BUTLER. Did you ring, sir?
ARNOLD. No. Oh, yes, I did. It doesn't matter now.
C.-C. [_As the BUTLER is going._] One moment. My dear Elizabeth, I've
come to throw myself on your mercy. My servants are busy with their
own affairs. There's not a thing for me to eat in my cottage.
ELIZABETH. Oh, but we shall be delighted if you'll lunch with us.
C.-C. It either means that or my immediate death from starvation. You
don't mind, Arnold?
ARNOLD. My dear father!
ELIZABETH. [_To the BUTLER._] Mr. Cheney will lunch here.
BUTLER. Very good, ma'am.
C.-C. [_To LADY KITTY._] And what do you think of Arnold?
LADY KITTY. I adore him.
C.-C. He's grown, hasn't he? But then you'd expect him to do that in
thirty years.
ARNOLD. For God's sake let's go in to lunch, Elizabeth!