But once we were settled in Newport, I almost forgot the tragedy of
Sarajevo. The world, it seemed to me, had forgotten it, too; it had
passed into history. Franz Ferdinand and Sophie Chotek being dead and
buried, we had gone on to something else.
Personally I had gone on to the readjustment of my life. I was with
Ethel Rossiter as a guest. Guest or retainer, however, made little
difference. She treated me just as before--with the same detached,
live-and-let-live kindliness that dropped into the old habit of making
use of me. I liked that. It kept us on a simple, natural footing. I
could see myself writing her notes and answering her telephone calls as
long as I lived. Except that now and then, when she thought of it, she
called me Alix, instead of Miss Adare, she might still have been paying
me so much a month.
"Well, I can't get over father," was the burden of her congratulations
to me. "I knew that woman could turn him around her finger; but I didn't
suppose she could do it like that. You played your cards well in getting
hold of her."
"I didn't play my cards," was my usual defense, "because I had none to
play.'"
"Then what on earth brought her over to your side?"
"Life."
"Life--fiddlesticks! It was life with a good deal of help from Alix
Adare." She added, on one occasion: "Why didn't you take that young
Strangways--frankly, now?"
"Because," I smiled, "I don't believe in polyandry."
"But you're fond of him. That's what beats me! You're fond of one man
and you're marrying another; and yet--"
I don't know what color I turned outwardly, but within I was fire. It
was the fire of confusion and not of indignation. I felt it safest to
let her go on, hazarding no remarks of my own.
"And yet--what?"
"And yet you don't seem like a girl who'd marry for money--you really
don't. That's one thing about you."
I screwed up a wan smile.
"Thanks."
"So that I'm all in the dark. What you can see in Hugh--"
"What I can see in Hugh is the kindest of men. That's a good deal to say
of any one."
"Well, I'll be hanged if I'd marry even the kindest of men if it was for
nothing but his kindness."
The Jack Brokenshires were jovially non-committal, letting it go at
that. In offering the necessary good wishes Jack contented himself with
calling me a sly one; while Pauline, who was mannish and horsey, wrung
my hand till she almost pulled it off, remarking that in a family like
the Brokenshires the natural principle was, The more, the merrier.
Acting, doubtless, on a hint from higher up, they included Hugh and me
in a luncheon to some twenty of their cronies, whose shibboleths I
didn't understand and among whom I was lost.
As far as I went into general society it was so unobtrusively that I
might be said not to have gone at all. I made no sensation as the
affianced bride of Hugh Brokenshire. To the great fact of my engagement
few people paid any attention, and those who referred to it did so with
the air of forgetting it the minute afterward. It came to me with some
pain that in his own circle Hugh was regarded more or less as a
nonentity. I was a "queer Canadian." Newport presented to me a hard,
polished exterior, like a porcelain wall. It was too high to climb over
and it afforded no nooks or crevices in which I might find a niche. No
one ever offered me the slightest hint of incivility--or of interest.
"It's because they've too much to do and to think of," Mrs. Brokenshire
explained to me. "They know too many people already. Their lives are too
full. Money means nothing to them, because they've all got so much of
it. Quiet good breeding isn't striking enough. Cleverness they don't
care anything about--and not even for scandals outside their own close
corporation. All the same"--I waited while she formulated her
opinion--"all the same, a great deal could be done in Newport--in New
York--in Washington--in America at large--if we had the right sort of
women."
"And haven't you?"
"No. Our women are--how shall I say?--too small--too parochial--too
provincial. They've no national outlook; they've no authority. Few of
them know how to use money or to hold high positions. Our men hardly
ever turn to them for advice on important things, because they've rarely
any to give."
Her remarks showed so much more of the reflecting spirit than I had ever
seen in her before, that I was emboldened to ask:
"Then, couldn't you show them how?"
She shook her head.
"No; I'm an American, like the rest. It isn't in me. It's both personal
and national. Cissie Boscobel could do it--not because she's clever or
has had experience, but because the tradition is there. We've no
tradition."
The tradition in Cissie Boscobel became evident on a day in July when
she came to sit beside me in the grounds of the Casino. I had gone with
Mrs. Rossiter, with whom I had been watching the tennis. When she
drifted away with a group of her friends I was left alone. It was then
that Lady Cecilia, in tennis things, with her racket in her hand, came
across the grass to me. She moved with the splendid careless freedom of
women who pass their lives outdoors and yet are trained to
drawing-rooms.
She didn't go to her point at once; she was, in fact, a mistress of the
introductory. The visits she had made and the people she had met since
our last meeting were the theme of her remarks; and now she was staying
with the Burkes. She would remain with them for a month, after which she
had two or three places to go to on Long Island and in the Catskills.
She would have to be at Strath-na-Cloid in September, for the wedding of
her sister Janet and the young man in the Inverness Rangers, who would
then have got home from India. She would be sorry to leave. She adored
America. Americans were such fun. Their houses were so fresh and new.
She doted on the multiplicity of bathrooms. It would be so horrid to
live at Strath-na-Cloid or Dillingham Hall after the cheeriness of Mrs.
Burke's or Mrs. Rossiter's.
Screwing up her greenish cat-like eyes till they were no more than tiny
slits with a laugh in them, she said, with her deliciously incisive
utterance:
"So you've done it, haven't you?"
"You mean that Mr. Brokenshire has come round."
"You know, that seems to me the most wonderful thing I ever heard of!
It's like a miracle isn't it? You've hardly lifted a finger--and yet
here it is." She leaned forward, her firm hands grasping the racket that
lay across her knees. "I want to tell you how much I admire you. You're
splendid! You're not a bit like a Colonial, are you?"
Since she meant well, I mastered my indignation.
"Oh yes, I am. I'm exactly like a Colonial, and very proud of the fact."
"Fancy! And are all Colonials like you?"
"All that aren't a great deal cleverer and better."
"Fancy!" she breathed again. "I must tell them when I go home. They
don't know it, you know." She added, in a slight change of key: "I'm so
glad Hugh is going to have a wife like you."
It was on my tongue to say, "He'd be much better off with a wife like
you"; but I made it:
"What do you think it will do for him?"
"It will bring him out. Hugh is splendid in his way--just as you
are--only he needs bringing out, don't you think?"
"He hasn't needed bringing out in the last ten months," I declared, with
some emphasis. "See what he's done--"
"And yet he didn't pull it off, did he? You managed that. You'll manage
a lot of other things for him, too. I must go back to the others," she
continued, getting up. "They're waiting for me to make up the set. But I
wanted to tell you I'm--I'm glad--without--without any--any reserves."
I think there were tears in her narrow eyes, as I know there were in my
own; but she beat such a hasty retreat that I could not be very sure of
it.
Mildred Brokenshire was a surprise to me. I had hardly ever seen her
till she sent for me in order to talk about Hugh. I found her lying on a
couch in a dim corner of her big, massively furnished room, her face no
more than a white pain-pinched spot in the obscurity. After having
kissed me she made me sit at a distance, nominally to get the breeze
through an open window, but really that I might not have to look at her.
In an unnaturally hollow, tragic voice she said it was a pleasure to her
that Hugh should have got at last the woman he loved, especially after
having made such a fight for her. Though she didn't know me, she was
sure I had fine qualities; otherwise Hugh would not have cared for me as
he did. He was a dear boy, and a good wife could make much of him. He
lacked initiative in the way that was unfortunately common among rich
men's sons, especially in America; but the past winter had shown that he
was not deficient in doggedness. She wondered if I loved him as much as
he loved me.
There was that in this suffering woman, so far withdrawn from our
struggles in the world outside, which prompted me to be as truthful as
the circumstances rendered possible.
"I love him enough, dear Miss Brokenshire," I said, with some emotion,
"to be eager to give my life to the object of making him happy."
She accepted this in silence. At least it was silence for a time, after
which she said, in measured, organ-like tones:
"We can't make other people happy, you know. We can only do our
duty--and let their happiness take care of itself. They must make
themselves happy! It's a mistake for any of us to feel responsible for
more than doing right. "When we do right other people must make the best
they can of it."
"I believe that, too," I responded, earnestly--"only that it's sometimes
so hard to tell what is right."
There was again an interval of silence. The voice, when it came out of
the dimness, might have been that of the Pythian virgin oracle. The
utterances I give were not delivered consecutively, but in answer to
questions and observations of my own.
"Right, on the whole, is what we've been impelled to do when we've been
conscientiously seeking the best way. . . . Forces catch us, often
contradictory and bewildering forces, and carry us to a certain act, or
to a certain line of action. Very well, then; be satisfied. Don't go
back. Don't torture yourself with questionings. Don't dig up what has
already been done. That's done! Nothing can undo it. Accept it as it is.
If there's a wrong or a mistake in it life will take care of it. . . .
Life is not a blind impulse, working blindly. It's a beneficent,
rectifying power. It's dynamic. It's a perpetual unfolding. It's a fire
that utilizes as fuel everything that's cast into it. . . ."
And yet when I kissed her to say good-by I got the impression that she
didn't like me or that she didn't trust me. I was not always liked, but
I was generally trusted. The idea that this Brokenshire seeress, this
suffering priestess whose whole life was to lie on a couch and think,
and think, and think, had reserves in her consciousness on my account
was painful. I said so to Hugh that evening.
"Oh, you mustn't take Mildred's gassing too seriously," he advised.
"Gets a lot of ideas in her head: but--poor thing--what else can she do?
Since she doesn't know anything about real life, she just spins
theories on the subject. Whatever you want to know, little Alix, I'll
tell you."
"Thanks," I said, dryly, explaining the shiver which ran through me by
the fact that we were sitting in the loggia, in the open air.
"Then we'll go in."
"No, no!" I protested. "I like it much better out here."
But he was on his feet.
"We'll go in. I can't have my sweet little Alix taking cold. I'm here to
protect her. She must do what I tell her. We'll go in."
And we went in. It was one of the things I was learning, that my kind
Hugh would kill me with kindness. It was part of his way of taking
possession. If he could help it he wouldn't leave me for an hour
unwatched; nor would he let me lift a hand.
"There are servants to do that," he would say. "It's one of the things
little Alix will have to get accustomed to."
"I can't get accustomed to doing nothing, Hugh."
"You'll have plenty to do in having a good time."
"Oh, but I must have more than that in life."
"In your old life, perhaps; but everything is to be different now. Don't
be afraid, little Alix; you'll learn."
"Learn what? It seems to me you're taking the possibility of ever
learning anything away."
This was a joke. Over it he laughed heartily.
"You won't know yourself, little Alix, when I've had you for a year."
Mr. Brokenshire's compliments to me were in a similar vein. He seemed
always to be in search of the superior position he had lost on the day
we sat looking up into the hillside wood. His dear Alexandra must never
forget her social inexperience. In being raised to a higher level I was
to watch the manners of those about me. I was to copy them, as people
learning French or Italian try to catch an accent which is not that of
their mother tongue. They probably do it badly; but that is better than
not doing it at all. I could never be an Ethel Rossiter or a Daisy
Burke, but I could become an imitation. Imitations being to the house of
Brokenshire like paste diamonds or fish-glue pearls, my gratitude for
the effort they made in accepting me had to be the more humble.
And yet on occasions I tried to get justice for myself.
"I'm not altogether without knowledge of the world, Mr. Brokenshire," I
said, after one of his kindly, condescending lectures. "Not only in
Canada, but in England, and to some slight extent abroad, I've had
opportunities--"
"Yes, yes; but this is different. You've had opportunities, as you say.
But there you were looking on from the outside, while here you'll be
living from within."
"Oh, but I wasn't looking on from the outside--"
His hand went up; his pitiful crooked smile was meant to express
tolerance. "You'll pardon me, my dear; but we gain nothing by discussing
that point. You'll see it yourself when you've been one of us a little
longer. Meantime, if you watch the women about you and study them--"
We left it there. I always left it there. But I did begin to see that
there was a difference between me and the women whom Hugh and his father
wished me to take as my models. I had hitherto not observed this
variation in type--I might possibly call it this distinction between
national ideals--during my two years under the Stars and Stripes; and I
find a difficulty in expressing it, for the reason that to anything I
say so many exceptions can be made. The immense class of wage-earning
women would be exceptions; mothers and housekeepers would again be
exceptions; exceptions would be all women engaged in political or social
or philanthropic service to the country; but when this allowance has
been made there still remain a multitude of American women economically
independent, satisfied to be an incubus on the land. They dress, they
entertain, they go to entertainments, they live gracefully. When they
can't help it they bear children; but they bear as few as possible.
Otherwise they are not much more than pleasing forms of vegetation, idle
of body and mind; and the American man, as a rule, loves to have it so.
"The American man," Mrs. Rossiter had said to me once, "likes
figurines." Hugh was a rebel to that doctrine, she had added then; but
his rebellion had been short-lived. He had come back to the standard of
his countrymen. He had chosen me, he used to say, because I was a woman
of whom a Socialist might make his star; and now I was to be put in a
vitrine.
Canadian women, as a class, are not made for the vitrine. Their instinct
is to be workers in the world and mates for men. They have no very high
opinion of their privileges; they are not self-analytical. They rarely
think of themselves as the birds and flowers of the human race, or as
other than creatures to put their shoulders to the wheel in the ways of
which God made them mistresses. Not ashamed to know how to bake and brew
and mend and sew, they rule the house with a practically French
economy. I was brought up in that way; not ignorant of books or of
social amenities, but with the assumption that I was in this world to
contribute something to it by my usefulness. I hadn't contributed much,
Heaven only knows; but the impulse to work was instinctive.
And as Hugh's wife I began to see that I should be lifted high and dry
into a sphere where there was nothing to be done. I should dress and I
should amuse myself; I should amuse myself and I should dress. It was
all Mrs. Rossiter did; it was all Mrs. Brokenshire did--except that to
her, poor soul, amusement had become but gall and bitterness. Still,
with the large exceptions which I cheerfully concede, it was the
American ideal, so far as I could get hold of it; and I began to feel
that, in the long run, it would stifle me.
It was a kind of feminine Nirvana. It offered me nothing to strive for,
nothing to wait for in hope, nothing to win gloriously. The wife of
Larry Strangways, whoever she turned out to be, would have a goal before
her, high up and far ahead, with the incentive of lifelong striving.
Hugh Brokenshire's wife would have everything done for her, as it was
done for Mildred. Like Mildred she would have nothing to do but think
and think and think--or train herself to not thinking at all. Little by
little I saw myself being steered toward this fate; and, like St. Peter,
when I thought thereon I wept.
I had taken to weeping all alone in my pretty room, which looked out on
shrubberies and gardens. I should probably have shrubberies and gardens
like them some day; so that weeping was the more foolish. Every one
considered me fortunate. All my Canadian and English friends spoke of me
as a lucky girl, and, in their downright, practical way, said I was
"doing very well for myself."
Of course I was--which made it criminal on my part not to take the
Brokenshire view of things with equanimity. I tried to. I bent my will
to it. I bent my spirit to it. In the end I might have succeeded if the
heavenly trumpet had not sounded again, with another blast from
Sarajevo.