"I know of no cure but for the Englishman (1) to do his best to
compete in the particulars where the German now excels; (2) to try
to show that, taken all round, he is worth more than the
German."--_Mr. Gladstone on English Clerks and German Competition._
All very fine, O orator illustrious!
But I as soon would be a mole or merman,
As a short-grubbing, horribly industrious,
Linguistic German.
A clerk's a clerk, that is a cove who scribbles
All day, and then goes in for cue, and "jigger,"
And not a mere machine who feeds by nibbles,
Slaves like a nigger.
Learn languages? And for two quid a week?
Cut barmaids, billiards, bitter beer and betting?
Yah! that may suit a sausage, or a sneak!
Whistles need wetting.
That is if they are genuine English whistles,
And not dry, hoarse, yah-yah Teutonic throttles.
_I_'m not a donkey who can thrive on thistles.
No, that's "no bottles."
I've learned my native tongue,--and that's a teaser--
I've also learned a lot of slang and patter;
But German, French, Italian, Portuguese, sir,
For "screw" no fatter?
Not me, my old exuberant wood-chopper!
Level _me_ to the straw-haired Carls and Hermanns?
No; there's another trick would do me proper,--
Kick out the Germans!
Old Bismarck's "blood and iron's" a receipt meant
For sour-krautt gobblers, sandy and sardonic!
But for us Britons that Teutonic treatment
Is much too tonic.
The cheek of 'em just puts me in a rage,
Send 'em back home, ah! even pay their passage
Or soon, by Jove, we'll have to call our age,
The German "sauce"-age!
* * * * *
[Illustration: AN INFORMAL INTRODUCTION.
_'Arry (shouting across the street to his "Pal")._ "Hi! Bill! This is
'er!"]
* * * * *
"ON A CLIFF BY THE SEA"
(_Whit Monday_)
A verse for "'Arry"? Well, I'm shot!
(Excuse my language plain and terse)
For such a nuisance I have not
A verse.
His praise don't ask me to rehearse,
But, if you like--I'll tell you what--
The _role_ of Baalam I'll reverse.
Only, like Balak, from this spot
Desire me 'Arry's tribe to curse,
To grant that prayer you'll find me not
Averse!
* * * * *
[Illustration: _'Arriet._ "Wot toime his the next troine fer
'Ammersmith?" _Clerk._ "Due now."
_'Arriet._ "'Course Oi dawn't now, stoopid, or I wouldn't be harskin'
yer!"]
* * * * *
'ARRY IN ROME AND LONDON
A kind correspondent calls _Mr. Punch's_ attention to the fact that
'Arry the ubiquitous crops up even in the classics as Arrius, in fact,
in _Carmen_ lxxxiv. of Catullus. How proud 'Arry will be to hear of his
classical prototype! Our correspondent "dropping into verse,"
exclaims:--
Yes! Your Cockney is eternal;
Arrius speaks in 'Arry still;
Vaunts 'is "hincome" by paternal
"Hartful" tricks hup 'Olborn 'Ill.
How well he is justified may be seen by a glance at the text of
Catullus:--