I AM CLAIMED BY CAPTAIN KEARNEY AS A RELATION--TRIAL OF SKILL BETWEEN
FIRST LIEUTENANT AND CAPTAIN WITH THE LONG BOW--THE SHARK, THE PUG DOG,
AND THE WILL--A QUARTER-DECK PICTURE.
As the admiral was not one who would permit the ships under his command
to lie idle in port, in a very few days after the dignity hall which I
have described, all the squadron sailed on their various destinations.
I was not sorry to leave the bay, for one soon becomes tired of
profusion, and I cared nothing for either oranges, bananas, or
shaddocks, nor even for the good dinners and claret at the tables of the
army mess and gentlemen of the island. The sea breeze soon became more
precious to us than anything else; and if we could have bathed without
the fear of a shark, we should have equally appreciated that most
refreshing of all luxuries under the torrid zone. It was therefore with
pleasure that we received the information that we were to sail the next
day to cruise off the French island of Martinique. Captain Kearney had
been so much on shore that we saw but little of him, and the ship was
entirely under the control of the first lieutenant, of whom I have
hitherto not spoken. He was a very short, pock-marked man, with red
hair and whiskers, a good sailor, and not a bad officer; that is, he was
a practical sailor, and could show any foremast man his duty in any
department, and this seamen very much appreciate, as it is not very
common; but I never yet knew an officer who prided himself upon his
practical knowledge, who was at the same time a good navigator; and too
often, by assuming the Jack Tar, they lower the respect due to them, and
become coarse and vulgar in their manners and language. This was the
case with Mr Phillott, who prided himself upon his slang, and who was
at one time "hail fellow, well met" with the seamen, talking to them,
and being answered as familiarly as if they were equals, and at another,
knocking the very same men down with a handspike if he were displeased.
He was not bad tempered, but very hasty; and his language to the
officers was occasionally very incorrect--to the midshipmen invariably
so. However, on the whole, he was not disliked, although he was
certainly not respected as a first lieutenant should have been. It is
but fair to say that he was the same to his superiors as he was to his
inferiors; and the bluntness with which he used to contradict and assert
his disbelief of Captain Kearney's narratives often produced a coolness
between them for some days.
The day after we sailed from Carlisle Bay I was asked to dine in the
cabin. The dinner was served upon plated dishes, which looked very
grand, but there was not much in them. "This plate," observed the
captain, "was presented to me by some merchants for my exertions in
saving their property from the Danes, when I was cruising off
Heligoland."
"Why, that lying steward of yours told me that you bought it at
Portsmouth," replied the first lieutenant: "I asked him in the galley
this morning."
"How came you to assert such a confounded falsehood, sir?" said the
captain to the man who stood behind his chair.
"I only said that I thought so," replied the steward.
"Why, didn't you say that the bill had been sent in, through you, seven
or eight times, and that the captain had paid it with a flowing sheet?"
"Did you dare say that, sir?" interrogated the captain, very angrily.
"Mr Phillott mistook me, sir," replied the steward. "He was so busy
damning the sweepers, that he did not hear me right. I said, the
midshipmen had paid their crockery bill with the fore-topsail."
"Ay, ay," replied the captain, "that's much more likely."
"Well, Mr Steward," replied Mr Phillott, "I'll be damned if you ar'n't
as big a liar as your--" (master he was going to plump out, but
fortunately the first lieutenant checked himself, and added)--"as your
father was before you."
The captain changed the conversation by asking me whether I would take a
slice of ham. "It's real Westphalia, Mr Simple; I have them sent me
direct by Count Troningsken, an intimate friend of mine, who kills his
own wild boars in the Hartz mountains."
"How the devil do you get them over, Captain Kearney?"
"There are ways and means of doing everything, Mr Phillott, and the
First Consul is not quite so bad as he is represented. The first batch
was sent over with a very handsome letter to me, written in his own
hand, which I will show you some of these days. I wrote to him in
return, and sent to him two Cheshire cheeses by a smuggler, and since
that they came regularly. Did you ever eat Westphalia ham, Mr Simple?"
"Yes, sir," replied I: "once I partook of one at Lord Privilege's."
"Lord Privilege! why he's a distant relation of mine, a sort of fifth
cousin," replied Captain Kearney.
"Indeed, sir," replied I.
"Then you must allow me to introduce you to a relation, Captain
Kearney," said the first lieutenant; "for Mr Simple is his grandson."
"Is it possible? I can only say, Mr Simple, that I shall be most happy
to show you every attention, and am very glad that I have you as one of
my officers."
Now, although this was all false, for Captain Kearney was not in the
remotest manner connected with my family, yet, having once asserted it,
he could not retract, and the consequence was, that I was much the
gainer by his falsehood, as he treated me very kindly afterwards, always
calling me cousin.
The first lieutenant smiled, and gave me a wink, when the captain had
finished his speech to me, as much as to say, "You're in luck," and then
the conversation changed. Captain Kearney certainly dealt in the
marvellous to admiration, and really told his stories with such
earnestness, that I actually believe that he thought he was telling the
truth. Never was there such an instance of confirmed habit. Telling a
story of a cutting-out expedition, he said, "The French captain would
have fallen by my hand, but just as I levelled my musket, a ball came,
and cut off the cock of the lock, as clean as if it was done with a
knife--a very remarkable instance," observed he.
"Not equal to what occurred in a ship I was in," replied the first
lieutenant, "when the second lieutenant was grazed by a grape shot,
which cut off one of his whiskers, and turning round his head to
ascertain what was the matter, another grape shot came and took off the
other. Now that's what I call a close shave."
"Yes," replied Captain Kearney, "very close, indeed, if it were true;
but you'll excuse me, Mr Phillott, but you sometimes tell strange
stories. I do not mind it myself, but the example is not good to my
young relation here, Mr Simple."
"Captain Kearney," replied the first lieutenant, laughing very
immoderately, "do you know what the pot called the kettle?"
"No, sir, I do not," retorted the captain, with offended dignity. "Mr
Simple, will you take a glass of wine?"
I thought that this little _brouillerie_ would have checked the captain;
it did so, but only for a few minutes, when he again commenced. The
first lieutenant observed that it would be necessary to let water into
the ship every morning, and pump it out, to avoid the smell of the bilge
water.
"There are worse smells than bilge water," replied the captain. "What
do you think of a whole ship's company being nearly poisoned with otto
of roses? Yet that occurred to me when in the Mediterranean. I was off
Smyrna, cruising for a French ship, that was to sail to France, with a
pacha on board, as an ambassador. I knew she would be a good prize, and
was looking sharp out, when one morning we discovered her on the lee
bow. We made all sail, but she walked away from us, bearing away
gradually till we were both before the wind, and at night we lost sight
of her. As I knew that she was bound to Marseilles, I made all sail to
fall in with her again. The wind was light and variable; but five days
afterwards, as I lay in my cot, just before daylight, I smelt a very
strong smell, blowing in at the weather port, and coming down the
skylight which was open; and after sniffing at it two or three times, I
knew it to be otto of roses. I sent for the officer of the watch, and
asked him if there were anything in sight. He replied `that there was
not;' and I ordered him to sweep the horizon with his glass, and look
well out to windward. As the wind freshened, the smell became more
powerful. I ordered him to get the royal yards across, and all ready to
make sail, for I knew that the Turk must be near us. At daylight, there
he was, just three miles ahead in the wind's eye. But although he beat
us going free, he was no match for us on a wind, and before noon we had
possession of him and all his harem. By-the-bye, I could tell you a
good story about the ladies. She was a very valuable prize, and among
other things she had a _puncheon_ of otto of roses on board--"
"Whew!" cried the first lieutenant. "What! a whole puncheon?"
"Yes," replied the captain, "a Turkish puncheon--not quite so large,
perhaps, as ours on board; their weights and measures are different. I
took out most of the valuables into the brig I commanded--about 20,000
sequins--carpets--and among the rest, this cask of otto of roses, which
we had smelt three miles off. We had it safe on board, when the mate of
the hold, not slinging it properly, it fell into the spirit-room with a
run and was stove to pieces. Never was such a scene; my first
lieutenant and several men on deck fainted; and the men in the hold were
brought up lifeless: it was some time before they were recovered. We
let the water into the brig, and pumped it out, but nothing would take
away the smell, which was so overpowering, that before I could get to
Malta I had forty men on the sick-list. When I arrived there, I turned
the mate out of the service for his carelessness. It was not until
after having smoked the brig, and finding that of little use, after
having sunk her for three weeks, that the smell was at all bearable; but
even then it could never be eradicated, and the admiral sent the brig
home, and she was sold out of the service. They could do nothing with
her at the dock-yards. She was broken up, and bought by the people at
Brighton and Tunbridge Wells, who used her timbers for turning fancy
articles, which, smelling as they did so strongly of otto of roses,
proved very profitable. Were you ever at Brighton, Mr Simple?"
"Never, sir."
Just at this moment, the officer of the watch came down to say that
there was a very large shark under the counter, and wished to know if
the captain had any objection to the officers attempting to catch it.
"By no means," replied Captain Kearney; "I hate sharks as I do the
devil. I nearly lost 14,000 pounds by one, when I was in the
Mediterranean."
"May I inquire how, Captain Kearney;" said the first lieutenant, with a
demure face; "I'm very anxious to know."
"Why the story is simply this," replied the captain. "I had an old
relation at Malta, whom I found out by accident--an old maid of sixty,
who had lived all her life on the island. It was by mere accident that
I knew of her existence. I was walking upon Strada Reale, when I saw a
large baboon that was kept there, who had a little fat pug-dog by the
tail, which he was pulling away with him, while an old lady was
screaming out for help or whenever she ran to assist her dog, the baboon
made at her as if he would have ravished her, and caught her by the
petticoats with one hand, while he had the pug-dog fast by the other. I
owed that brute a spite for having attacked me one night when I passed
him, and perceiving what was going on, I drew my sword and gave Mr
Jacko such a clip, as sent him away howling and bleeding like a pig,
leaving me in possession of the little pug, which I took up and handed
to his mistress. The old lady trembled very much, and begged me to see
her safe home. She had a very fine house, and after she was seated on
the sofa, thanked me very much for my gallant assistance, as she termed
it, and told me her name was Kearney: upon this I very soon proved my
relationship with her, at which she was much delighted, requesting me to
consider her house as my home. I was for two years afterwards on that
station, and played my cards very well; and the old lady gave me a hint
that I should be her heir, as she had no other relations that she knew
anything of. At last I was ordered home, and not wishing to leave her,
I begged her to accompany me, offering her my cabin. She was taken very
ill a fortnight before we sailed, and made a will, leaving me her sole
heir; but she recovered, and got as fat as ever. Mr Simple, the wine
stands with you. I doubt if Lord Privilege gave you better claret than
there is in that bottle: I imported it myself ten years ago, when I
commanded the _Coquette_."
"Very odd," observed the first lieutenant--"we bought some at Barbadoes
with the same mark on the bottles and cork."
"That may be," replied the captain; "old established houses all keep up
the same marks; but I doubt if your wine can be compared to this. You
have never tasted older wine, I think, Mr Phillott."
"I beg you pardon, sir; but I can prove to you that I have, for when
Noah paid off the ark, my ancestor bought his _sea stock_, and it's been
handed down to my father: there may be three dozen left."
"Really, Mr Phillott, you are almost too facetious. Will you take some
macaroni. It is one of the best things we can have at sea. I wish you
had seen my kitchen at Walcot Abbey."
"I have no doubt but it was excellent," replied Mr Phillott; "but I
should have preferred eating what came from it. I wish that I had a
knowledge of the art which a friend of mine has--a new science, I may
say."
"Pray what may that be?"
"They call it fumography."
"Fumography! never heard of it."
"It is the art of knowing precisely, by examination of the smoke which
comes out of the chimney, what your neighbour has for dinner."
"Upon my soul, if one could send an excuse at a late hour, that might be
useful."
"My friend is quite an adept. He can tell first and second course
_entremets_, and even if the different articles to be put on the table
are done to a turn, or not."
"Now, Mr Simple, what do you think of that?" inquired the captain.
"I think, sir, that it's all smoke."
"Bravo, Mr Simple! you've said a very good thing."
So I thought, too; but, as I wasn't quite sure, I would not laugh till
all the rest of the company did.
As Mr Phillott wished to hear the end of the captain's story, he would
not contradict him about the wine, by stating what he knew to be the
case, that the captain had sent it on board at Barbadoes; and the
captain proceeded.
"Well, I gave up my cabin to the old lady, and hung up my cot in the
gun-room during the passage home. We were becalmed abreast of Ceuta for
two days. The old lady was very particular about her pug-dog, and I
superintended the washing of the little brute twice a week but at last I
was tired of it, and gave him to my coxswain to bathe. My coxswain, who
was a lazy fellow, without my knowledge, used to put the little beast
into the bight of a rope, and tow him overboard for a minute or so. It
was during this calm that he had him overboard in this way, when a
confounded shark rose from under the counter, and took in the pug-dog at
one mouthful. The coxswain reported the loss as a thing of no
consequence; but I knew better, and put the fellow in irons. I then
went down and broke the melancholy fact to Miss Kearney, stating that I
had put the man in irons, and would flog him well. The old lady broke
out into a most violent passion at the intelligence, declared that it
was my fault, that I was jealous of the dog, and had done it on purpose.
The more I protested, the more she raved; and at last I was obliged to
go off deck to avoid her abuse and keep my temper--I had not been on
deck five minutes before she came up--that is, was shoved up, for she
was so heavy that she could not get up without assistance. You know how
elephants in India push the cannon through a morass with their heads
from behind; well, my steward used to shove her up the companion-ladder
just in the same way, with his head completely buried in her petticoats.
As soon as she was up, he used to pull his head out, looking as red and
hot as a fresh boiled lobster. Well, up she came, with her will in her
hand, and looking at me very fiercely, she said, `since the shark has
taken my dear dog, he may have my will also,' and throwing it over
board, she plunged down on the carronade slide. `It's very well,
madam,' said I; `but you'll be cool by-and-bye, and then you'll make
another will.' `I swear by all the hopes that I have of going to heaven
that I never will!' replied she. `Yes you will, madam,' replied I.
`Never, so help me God! Captain Kearney, my money may now go to my next
heir, and that, you know, will not be you.' Now, as I knew very well
that the old lady was very positive, and as good as her word, my object
was to recover the will, which was floating about fifty yards astern,
without her knowledge. I thought a moment, and then I called the
boatswain's mate to pipe _all hands to bathe_. `You'll excuse me, Miss
Kearney,' said I, `but the men are going to bathe, and I do not think
you would like to see them all naked. If you would, you can stay on
deck.' She looked daggers at me, and rising from the carronade slide,
hobbled to the ladder, saying, that `the insult was another proof of how
little I deserved any kindness from her.' As soon as she was below, the
quarter-boats were lowered down, and I went in one of them and picked up
the will, which still floated. Brigs having no stern-windows, of course
she could not see my manoeuvre, but thought that the will was lost for
ever. We had very bad weather after that, owing to which, with the loss
of her favourite pug, and constant quarrelling with me--for I did all I
could to annoy her afterwards--she fell ill, and was buried a fortnight
after she was landed at Plymouth. The old lady kept her word; she never
made another will. I proved the one I had recovered at Doctor's
Commons, and touched the whole of her money."
As neither the first lieutenant nor I could prove whether the story was
true or not, of course we expressed our congratulations at his good
fortune, and soon afterwards left the cabin to report the marvellous
story to our messmates. I went on deck. I found that the shark had
just been hooked, and was being hauled on board. Mr Phillott had also
come on deck. The officers were all eager about the shark, and were
looking over the side, calling to each other, and giving directions to
the men. Now, although certainly there was a want of decorum on the
quarter-deck, still the captain having given permission, it was to be
excused, but Mr Phillott thought otherwise, and commenced in his usual
style, beginning with the marine officer.
"Mr Westley, I'll trouble you not to be getting upon the hammocks.
You'll get off directly, sir. If one of your fellows were to do so, I'd
stop his grog for a month, and I don't see why you are to set a bad
example; you've been too long in barracks, sir, by half. Who is that?--
Mr Williams and Mr Moore--both on the hammocks, too. Up to the
fore-topmast head, both of you directly. Mr Thomas, up to the main;
and I say, you youngster, stealing off, perch yourself upon the
spanker-boom, and let me know when you've rode to London. By God! the
service is going to hell. I don't know what officers are made of
now-a-days. I'll marry some of you young gentlemen to the gunner's
daughter before long. Quarter-deck's no better than a bear garden. No
wonder, when lieutenants set the example."
This latter remark could only be applied to O'Brien, who stood in the
quarter-boat giving directions, before the tirade of Mr Phillott
stopped the amusement of the party. O'Brien immediately stepped out of
the boat, and, going up to Mr Phillott, touched his hat, and said, "Mr
Phillott, we had the captain's permission to catch the shark and a shark
is not to be got on board by walking up and down on the quarter-deck.
As regards myself, as long as the captain is on board, I hold myself
responsible to him alone for my conduct; and if you think I have done
wrong, forward your complaint; but if you pretend to use such language
to me, as you have to others, I shall hold you responsible. I am here,
sir, as an officer and a gentleman, and will be treated as such; and
allow me to observe, that I consider the quarter-deck more disgraced by
foul and ungentlemanly language, than I do by an officer accidentally
standing upon the hammocks. However, as you have thought proper to
interfere, you may now get the shark on board yourself."
Mr Phillott turned very red, for he never had come in contact in this
way with O'Brien. All the other officers had submitted quietly to his
unpleasant manner of speaking to them. "Very well, Mr O'Brien; I shall
hold you answerable for this language," replied he, "and shall most
certainly report your conduct to the captain."
"I will save you the trouble; Captain Kearney is now coming up, and I
will report it myself."
This O'Brien did, upon the captain's putting his foot on the
quarter-deck.
"Well," observed the captain to Mr Phillott, "what is it you complain
of?"
"Mr O'Brien's language, sir. Am I to be addressed on the quarter-deck
in that manner?"
"I really must say, Mr Phillott," replied Captain Kearney, "that I do
not perceive anything in what Mr O'Brien said, but what is correct. I
command here; and if an officer so nearly equal in rank to yourself has
committed himself, you are not to take the law into your own hands. The
fact is, Mr Phillott, your language is not quite so correct as I could
wish it. I overheard every word that passed, and I consider that you
have treated your _superior_ officer with disrespect--that is _me_. I
gave permission that the shark should be caught, and with that
permission, I consequently allowed those little deviations from the
discipline of the service, which must inevitably take place. Yet you
have thought proper to interfere with my permission, which is tantamount
to an order, and have made use of harsh language, and punished the young
gentlemen for obeying my injunctions. You will oblige me, sir, by
calling them all down, and in restraining your petulance for the future.
I will always support your authority when you are correct; but I regret
that, in this instance, you have necessitated me to weaken it."
This was a most severe check to Mr Phillott, who immediately went
below, after hailing the mast-heads, and calling down the midshipmen.
As soon as he was gone, we were all on the hammocks again; the shark was
hauled forward, hoisted on board, and every frying-pan in the ship was
in requisition. We were all much pleased with Captain Kearney's conduct
on this occasion; and, as O'Brien observed to me, "He really is a good
fellow and clever officer. What a thousand pities it is that he is such
a confounded liar!" I must do Mr Phillott the justice to say that he
bore no malice on this occasion, but treated us as before, which is
saying a great deal in his favour, when it is considered what power a
first lieutenant has of annoying and punishing his inferiors.