`SCANDALUM MAGNATUM' CLEARLY PROVED--I PROVE TO THE CAPTAIN THAT I
CONSIDER HIM A GENTLEMAN, ALTHOUGH I HAD TOLD HIM THE CONTRARY, AND I
PROVE TO THE MIDSHIPMEN THAT I AM A GENTLEMAN MYSELF--THEY PROVE THEIR
GRATITUDE BY PRACTISING UPON ME, BECAUSE PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT.
The captain came on board about twelve o'clock, and ordered the
discharge of Mr Trotter to be made out, as soon as the first lieutenant
had reported what had occurred. He then sent for all the midshipmen on
the quarter-deck.
"Gentlemen," said the captain to them, with a stern countenance, "I feel
very much indebted to some of you for the character which you have been
pleased to give of me to Mr Simple. I must now request that you will
answer a few questions which I am about to put in his presence. Did I
ever flog the whole starboard watch, because the ship would only sail
nine knots on a bowline!"
"No, sir, no!" replied they all, very much frightened.
"Did I ever give a midshipman four dozen for not having his weekly
accounts pipe-clayed; or another five dozen for wearing a scarlet watch
riband?"
"No, sir," replied they all together.
"Did any midshipman ever die on his chest from fatigue?"
They again replied in the negative.
"Then, gentlemen, you will oblige me by stating which of you thought
proper to assert these falsehoods in a public coffee-room; and further,
which of you obliged this youngster to risk his life in a duel?"
They were all silent.
"Will you answer me, gentlemen?"
"With respect to the duel, sir," replied the midshipman who had fought
me, "I _heard_ say, that the pistols were only charged with powder. It
was a joke."
"Well, sir, we'll allow that the duel was only a joke (and I hope and
trust that your report is correct); is the reputation of your captain
only a joke, allow me to ask? I request to know who of you dared to
propagate such injurious slander?" (Here there was a dead pause.)
"Well, then, gentlemen, since you will not confess yourselves, I must
refer to my authority. Mr Simple, have the goodness to point out the
person on persons who gave you the information."
But I thought this would not be fair; and as they had all treated me
very kindly after the duel, I resolved not to tell; so I answered, "If
you please, sir, I consider that I told you all that in confidence."
"Confidence, sir!" replied the captain; "who ever heard of confidence
between a post-captain and a midshipman?"
"No, sir," replied I, "not between a post-captain and a midshipman but
between two gentlemen."
The captain bit his lip, and then turning to the midshipmen, said, "You
may thank Mr Simple, gentlemen, that I do not press this matter
further. I do believe that you were not serious when you calumniated
me; but recollect that what is said in joke is too often repeated in
earnest. I trust that Mr Simple's conduct will have its effect, and
that you will leave off practising upon him, who has saved you from a
very severe punishment."
When the midshipmen went down below they all shook hands with me, and
said, that I was a good fellow for not peaching: but, as for the advice
of the captain, that they should not practise upon me, as he termed it,
they forgot that, for they commenced again immediately, and never left
off until they found that I was not to be deceived any longer.
The postman came on board with the letters, and put his head into the
midshipmen's berth. I was very anxious to have one from home, but I was
disappointed. Some had letters and some had not. Those who had not,
declared that their parents were very undutiful, and that they would cut
them off with a shilling; and those who had letters, after they had read
them, offered them for sale to the others, usually at half price. I
could not imagine why they sold, or why the others bought them; but they
did do so; and one that was full of good advice was sold three times,
from which circumstance I was inclined to form a better opinion of the
morals of my companions.
I mentioned the reason why I was so anxious for a letter, viz., because
I wanted to buy my dirk and cocked-hat; upon which they told me that
there was no occasion for my spending my money, as by the regulations of
the service, the purser's steward served them out to all the officers
who applied for them. As I knew where the purser's steward's room was,
having seen it when down in the cock-pit with the Trotters, I went down
immediately. "Mr Purser's Steward," said I, "let me have a cocked-hat
and a dirk immediately."
"Very good, sir," replied he, and he wrote an order upon a slip of
paper, which he handed to me. "There is the order for it, sir; but the
cocked-hats are kept in the chest up in the main-top, and as for the
dirk, you must apply to the butcher, who has them under his charge."
I went up with the order, and thought I would first apply for the dirk;
so I inquired for the butcher, whom I found sitting in the sheep-pen
with the sheep, mending his trowsers. In reply to my demand, he told me
that he had not the key of the store-room, which was under the charge of
one of the corporals of marines.
I inquired who, and he said, "Cheeks, the marine." [This celebrated
personage is the prototype of Mr Nobody on board of a man-of-war.]
I went everywhere about the ship, inquiring for Cheeks the marine, but
could not find him. Some said that they believed he was in the foretop,
standing sentry over the wind, that it might not change; others, that he
was in the galley, to prevent the midshipmen from soaking their biscuit
in the captain's dripping-pan.
As I could not find the marine, I thought I might as well go for my
cocked-hat, and get my dirk afterwards. I did not much like going up
the rigging, because I was afraid of turning giddy, and if I fell
overboard I could not swim; but one of the midshipmen offered to
accompany me, stating that I need not be afraid, if I fell overboard, of
sinking to the bottom, as, if I was giddy, my head at all events _would
swim_; so I determined to venture. I climbed up very near to the
main-top, but not without missing the little ropes very often, and
grazing the skin of my shins. Then I came to large ropes stretched out
from the mast so that you must climb them with your head backwards. The
midshipman told me these were called the cat-harpings, because they were
so difficult to climb, that a cat would expostulate if ordered to go out
by them. I was afraid to venture, and then he proposed that I should go
through lubber's hole, which he said had been made for people like me.
I agreed to attempt it, as it appeared more easy, and at last arrived,
quite out of breath, and very happy to find myself in the main-top.
The captain of the main-top was there with two other sailors. The
midshipman introduced me very politely:--"Mr Jenkins--Mr Simple,
midshipman,--Mr Simple, Mr Jenkins, captain of the main-top. Mr
Jenkins, Mr Simple has come up with an order for a cocked-hat." The
captain of the top replied that he was very sorry that he had not one in
store, but the last had been served out to the captain's monkey. This
was very provoking. The captain of the top then asked me if I was ready
with my _footing_.
I replied, "Not very, for I had lost it two or three times when coming
up." He laughed and replied, that I should lose it altogether before I
went down; and that I must _hand_ it out. "_Hand out my footing_!" said
I, puzzled, and appealing to the midshipman; "what does he mean?"
"He means that you must fork out a seven-shilling bit."
I was just as wise as ever, and stared very much; when Mr Jenkins
desired the other men to get half-a-dozen _foxes_ and make _a spread
eagle_ of me, unless he had his parkisite. I never should have found
out what it all meant, had not the midshipman, who laughed till he
cried, at last informed me that it was the custom to give the men
something to drink the first time that I came aloft, and that if I did
not, they would tie me up to the rigging.
Having no money in my pocket, I promised to pay them as soon as I went
below; but Mr Jenkins would not trust me. "Why, sir," said I, "do you
know who you are speaking to? I am an officer and a gentleman. Do you
know who my grandfather is?"
"O yes," replied he, "very well."
"Then, who is he, sir?" replied I, very angrily.
"Who is he! why he's the _Lord knows who_."
"No," replied I, "that's not his name; he is Lord Privilege." (I was
very much surprised that he knew that my grandfather was a lord.) "And
do you suppose," continued I, "that I would forfeit the honour of my
family for a paltry seven shillings?"
This observation of mine, and a promise on the part of the midshipman,
who said he would be bail for me, satisfied Mr Jenkins, and he allowed
me to go down the rigging. I went to my chest, and paid the seven
shillings to one of the topmen who followed me, and then went up on the
main-deck to learn as much as I could of my profession.