PUZZLED WITH VERY COMMON WORDS--MRS. TROTTER TAKES CARE OF MY WARDROBE--
A MATRIMONIAL DUET, ENDING "CON STREPITO."
I awoke the next morning at daylight with a noise over my head which
sounded like thunder; I found it proceeded from holy-stoning and washing
down the main-deck. I was very much refreshed nevertheless, and did not
feel the least sick or giddy. Mr Trotter, who had been up at four
o'clock, came down and directed one of the marines to fetch me some
water. I washed myself on my chest, and then went on the main-deck,
which they were swabbing dry. Standing by the sentry at the cabin door,
I met one of the midshipmen with whom I had been in company at the Blue
Posts.
"So, Master Simple, old Trotter and his faggot of a wife have got hold
of you--have they?" said he. I replied, that I did not know the meaning
of faggot, but that I considered Mrs Trotter a very charming woman. At
which he burst into a loud laugh. "Well," said he, "I'll just give you
a caution. Take care, or they'll make a clean sweep. Has Mrs Trotter
shown you her ankle yet?"
"Yes," I replied, "and a very pretty one it is."
"Ah, she's at her old tricks. You had much better have joined our mess
at once. You're not the first greenhorn that they have plucked. Well,"
said he, as he walked away, "keep the key of your own chest--that's
all."
When he left me I went on the quarter-deck. All the sailors were busy
at work, and the first lieutenant cried out to the gunner, "Now, Mr
Dispart, if you're ready, we'll breech these guns."
"Now, my lads," said the first lieutenant, "we must slue (the part the
breeches cover) more forward." As I never heard of a gun having
breeches, I was very anxious to see what was going on, and went up close
to the first lieutenant, who said to me. "Youngster, hand me that
_monkey's tail_." I saw nothing like a _monkey's tail_; but I was so
frightened that I snatched up the first thing that I saw, which was a
short bar of iron, and it so happened that it was the very article which
he wanted. When I gave it to him, the first lieutenant looked at me,
and said, "So you know what a monkey's tail is already, do you? Now
don't you ever sham stupid after that."
Thought I to myself, I'm very lucky, but if that's a monkey's tail it's
a very stiff one!
I resolved to learn the names of every thing as fast as I could, that I
might be prepared, so I listened attentively to what was said; but I
soon became quite confused, and despaired of remembering anything.
"Mr Chucks," said the first lieutenant to the boatswain, "what blocks
have we below--not on charge?"
"Let me see, sir, I've one _sister_, t'other we split in half the other
day, and I think I have a couple of _monkeys_ down in the store-room.--I
say, you Smith, pass that brace through the _bull's eye_, and take the
_sheepshank_ out before you come down."
"And, Mr Chucks, recollect this afternoon that you _bleed_ all the
_buoys_."
Bleed the boys! thought I, what can that be for? at all events, the
surgeon appears to be the proper person to perform that operation.
This last incomprehensible remark drove me off the deck, and I retreated
to the cock-pit, where I found Mrs Trotter. "O my dear!" said she, "I
am glad you are come, as I wish to put your clothes in order. Have you
a list of them--where is your key?" I replied that I had not a list,
and I handed her the key, although I did not forget the caution of the
midshipman; yet I considered that there could be no harm in her looking
over my clothes when I was present. She unlocked my chest, and pulled
every thing out, and then commenced telling me what were likely to be
useful, and what were not.
"Now, these worsted stockings," she said, "will be very comfortable in
cold weather, and in the summer time these brown cotton socks will be
delightfully cool, and you have enough of each to last you till you
outgrow them; but as for these fine cotton stockings, they are of no
use--only catch the dirt when the decks are swept, and always look
untidy. I wonder how they could be so foolish as to send them; nobody
wears them on board ship now-a-days. They are only fit for women--I
wonder if they would fit me." She turned her chair away, and put on one
of my stockings, laughing the whole of the time. Then she turned round
to me and showed me how nicely they fitted her. "Bless you, Mr Simple,
it's well that Trotter is in the hold, he'd be so jealous--do you know
what these stockings cost? They are of no use to you, and they fit me.
I will speak to Trotter, and take them off your hands." I replied, that
I could not think of selling them, and as they were of no use to me and
fitted her, I begged that she would accept of the dozen pairs.
We had beef-steaks and onions for dinner that day, but I could not bear
the smell of the onions. Mr Trotter came down very cross, because the
first lieutenant had found fault with him. He swore that he would cut
the service. He drank glass of grog after glass of grog, and at each
glass became more violent; and Mrs Trotter drank also, I observed, a
great deal more than I thought she ought to have done; but she whispered
to me, that she drank it that Trotter might not, as he would certainly
be tipsy. I thought this very devoted on her part; but they sat so late
that I went to bed and left them--he still drinking and vowing vengeance
against the first lieutenant. I had not been asleep above two or three
hours, when I was awakened by a great noise and quarrelling, and I
discovered that Mr Trotter was drunk and beating his wife. Very much
shocked that such a charming woman should be beaten and ill-used, I
scrambled out of my hammock to see if I could be of any assistance, but
it was dark, although they scuffled as much as before. I asked the
marine, who was sentry at the gun-room door above, to bring his lantern,
and was very much shocked at his replying that I had better go to bed
and let them fight it out.
Shortly afterwards, Mrs Trotter staggered to my hammock, and, after
several attempts, succeeded in getting into it. I cannot say that I
much liked that, but what could I do? So I finished dressing myself,
and went up on the quarter-deck.
The midshipman who had the watch was the one who had cautioned me
against the Trotters; he was very friendly to me. "Well, Simple," said
he, "what brings you on deck?" I told him how ill Mr Trotter had
behaved to his wife, and how she had turned into my hammock.
"The cursed drunken old catamaran," cried he; "I'll go and cut her down
by the head:" but I requested he would not, as she was a lady.
"A lady!" replied he; "yes, there's plenty of ladies of her
description;" and then he informed me that she had many years ago been
the mistress of a man of fortune who kept a carriage for her; but that
he grew tired of her, and had given Trotter 200 pounds to marry her, and
that now they did nothing but get drunk together and fight with each
other.
He went to my hammock and lowered it down at one end, so that Mrs
Trotter lay with her head on the deck in a very uncomfortable position.
To my astonishment, she swore at him in a dreadful manner, but refused
to turn out. He was abusing her and shaking her in the hammock, when
Mr Trotter, who had been aroused at the noise, rushed from behind the
screen. "You villain! what are you doing with my wife?" cried he,
pummelling at him as well as he could, for he was so tipsy that he could
hardly stand.
Mr Trotter was soon knocked down, when all of a sudden Mrs Trotter
jumped up from the hammock, and caught the midshipman by the hair, and
pulled at him. Then the sentry thought right to interfere; he called
out for the master-at-arms, and went down himself to help the
midshipman, who was faring badly between the two. But Mrs Trotter
snatched the lantern out of his hand and smashed it all to pieces, and
then we were all left in darkness, and I could not see what took place,
although the scuffling continued. Such was the posture of affairs when
the master-at-arms came up with his light. The midshipman and sentry
went up the ladder, and Mr and Mrs Trotter continued beating each
other. To this, none of them paid any attention, saying, as the sentry
had said before, "Let them fight it out."
After they had fought some time, they retired behind the screen, and I
followed the advice of the midshipman, and got into my hammock, which
the master-at-arms hung up again for me. I heard Mr and Mrs Trotter
both crying and kissing each other. "Cruel, cruel Mr Trotter!" said
she blubbering.
"My life, my love, I was so jealous!" replied he.
"Damn and blast your jealousy," replied the lady; "I've two nice black
eyes for the galley to-morrow." After about an hour of kissing and
scolding, they both fell asleep again.
The next morning before breakfast, the midshipman reported to the first
lieutenant the conduct of Mr Trotter and his wife. I was sent for, and
obliged to acknowledge that it was all true. He sent for Mr Trotter,
who replied that he was not well, and could not come on deck. Upon
which the first lieutenant ordered the sergeant of marines to bring him
up directly. Mr Trotter made his appearance, with one eye closed, and
his face very much scratched.
"Did not I desire you, sir," said the first lieutenant, "to introduce
this young gentleman into the midshipmen's berth? instead of which you
have introduced him to that disgraceful wife of yours, and have swindled
him out of his property. I order you immediately to return the three
guineas which you received as mess-money, and also that your wife give
back the stockings which she cajoled him out of."
But then I interposed, and told the first lieutenant that the stockings
had been a free gift on my part; and that although I had been very
foolish, yet that I considered that I could not in honour demand them
back again.
"Well, youngster," replied the first lieutenant, "perhaps your ideas are
correct, and if you wish it, I will not enforce that part of my order;
but," continued he to Mr Trotter, "I desire, sir, that your wife leave
the ship immediately and I trust that when I have reported your conduct
to the captain, he will serve you in the same manner. In the meantime,
you will consider yourself under an arrest for drunkenness."