_Bell_. You have an opportunity now, Madam, to revenge yourself
upon him for affronting your squirrel. _Belin_. O, the filthy,
rude beast. _Aram_. 'Tis a lasting quarrel.
_Old Bachelor_.
We sailed the next day, and after one month more of unsuccessful
cruising, arrived safe at Halifax, where I was informed that an old
friend of my father's, Sir Hurricane Humbug, of whom some mention has
already been made in this work, had just arrived. He was not in an
official character, but had come out to look after his own property.
It is absolutely necessary that I should here, with more than usual
formality, introduce the reader to an intimate acquaintance with the
character of Sir Hurricane.
Sir Hurricane had risen in life by his own ingenuity, and the
patronage of a rich man in the South of England: he was of an
ardent disposition, and was an admirable justice of peace, when the
_argumentum baculinum_ was required, for which reason he had been
sent to reduce two or three refractory establishments to order and
obedience; and, by his firmness and good humour, succeeded. His tact
was a little knowledge of everything (not like Solomon's, from the
hyssop to the cedar), but from the boiler of a potato to the boiler of
a steam-boat, and from catching a sprat to catching a whale; he could
fatten pigs and poultry, and had a peculiar way of improving the size,
though not the breed of the latter; in short, he was "jack of all
trades and master of none."
I shall not go any farther back with his memoirs than the day he chose
to teach an old woman how to make mutton-broth. He had, in the course
of an honest discharge of his duty, at a certain very dirty sea-port
town, incurred the displeasure of the lower orders generally: he
nevertheless would omit no opportunity of doing good, and giving
advice to the poor, gratis. One day he saw a woman emptying the
contents of a boiling kettle out of her door into the street. He
approached, and saw a leg of mutton at the bottom, and the unthrifty
housewife throwing away the liquor in which it had been boiled.
"Good woman," said the economical baronet, "do you know what you
are doing? A handful of meat, a couple of carrots, and a couple of
turnips, cut up into dice, and thrown into that liquor, with a little
parsley, would make excellent mutton-broth for your family."
The old woman looked up, and saw the ogre of the dockyard; and either
by losing her presence of mind, or by a most malignant slip of the
hand, she contrived to pour a part of the boiling water into the shoes
of Sir Hurricane. The baronet jumped, roared, hopped, stamped, kicked
off his shoes, and ran home, d----ning the old woman, and himself too,
for having tried to teach her how to make mutton-broth. As he ran off,
the ungrateful hag screamed after him, "Sarves you right; teach you to
mind your own business."
The next day, in his magisterial capacity, he commanded the attendance
of "the dealer in slops." "Well, Madam, what have you got to say for
yourself for scalding one of his Majesty's Justices of the Peace?
don't you know that I have the power to commit you to Maidstone gaol
for the assault?"
"I beg your honour's pardon, humbly," said the woman; "I did not know
it was your honour, or I am sure I wouldn't a done it; besides, I own
to your honour, I had a drop too much."
The good-natured baronet dismissed her with a little suitable advice,
which no doubt the good woman treated as she did that relative to the
mutton-broth.
My acquaintance with Sir Hurricane had commenced at Plymouth, when he
kicked my ship to sea in a gale of wind, for fear we should ground on
our beef bones. I never forgave him for that. My father had shown him
great civility, and had introduced me to him. When at Halifax, we
resided in the same house with a mutual friend, who had always
received me as his own son. He had a son of my own age, with whom I
had long been on terms of warm friendship, and Ned and I confederated
against Sir Hurricane. Having paid a few visits _en passant_, as I
landed at the King's Wharf, shook hands with a few pretty girls, and
received their congratulations on my safe return, I went to the house
of my friend, and, without ceremony, walked into the drawing-room.
"Do you know, Sir," said the footman, "that Sir Hurricane is in his
room? but he is very busy," added the man, with a smile.
"Busy or not," said I, "I am sure he will see me," so in I walked.
Sir Hurricane was employed on something, but I could not distinctly
make out what. He had a boot between his knees and the calves of his
legs, which he pressed together, and as he turned his head round, I
perceived that he held a knife between his teeth.
"Leave the door open, messmate," said he, without taking the least
notice of me. Then rising, he drew a large, black, tom cat, by the
tail, out of the boot, and flinging it away from him to a great
distance, which distance was rapidly increased by the voluntary
exertion of the cat, which ran away as if it had been mad, "There,"
said he, "and be d----d to you, you have given me more trouble than a
whole Kentucky farm-yard; but I shall not lose my sleep any more, by
your d----d caterwauling."
All this was pronounced as if he had not seen me--in fact, it was a
soliloquy, for the cat did not stay to hear it. "Ah!" said he, holding
out his hand to me, "how do you do? I know your face, but d----n me if I
have not forgot your name."
"My name, Sir," said I, "is Mildmay."
"Ah, Mildmay, my noble, how do you do? how did you leave your father?
I knew him very well--used to give devilish good feeds--many a plate
I've dirtied at his table--don't care how soon I put my legs under
it again;--take care, mind which way you put your helm--you will be
aboard of my chickabiddies--don't run athwart hawse."
I found, on looking down, that I had a string round my leg, which
fastened a chicken to the table, and saw many more of these little
creatures attached to the chairs in the room; but for what purpose
they were thus domesticated I could not discover.
"Are these pet chickens of yours, Sir Hurricane?" said I.
"No," said the admiral, "but I mean them to be pet capons, by and by,
when they come to table. I finished a dozen and a half this morning,
besides that d----d old tom cat."
The mystery was now explained, and I afterwards found out (every man
having his hobby) that the idiosyncrasy of this officer's disposition
had led him to the practice of neutralising the males of any species
of bird or beast, in order to render them more palatable at the table.
"Well, sir," he continued, "how do you like your new ship--how do
you like your old captain?--good fellow, isn't he?--d----n his
eyes--countryman of mine--I knew him when his father hadn't as much
money as would jingle on a tombstone. That fellow owes every thing
to me. I introduced him to the duke of ----, and he got on by that
interest; but, I say, what do you think of the Halifax girls?--nice!
a'n't they?"
I expressed my admiration of them.
"Ay, ay, they'll do, won't they?--we'll have some fine fun--give the
girls a party at George's Island--haymaking--green gowns--ha, ha, ha.
I say, your captain shall give us a party at Turtle Cove. We are going
to give the old commissioner a feed at the Rockingham--blow the roof
of his skull off with champagne do you dine at Birch Cove to-day?
No, I suppose you are engaged to Miss Maria, or Miss Susan, or Miss
Isabella--ha, sad dog, sad dog--done a great deal of mischief,"
surveying me from head to foot.
I took the liberty of returning him the same compliment; he was a
tall raw-boned man, with strongly marked features, and a smile on his
countenance that no modest woman could endure. In his person he gave
me the idea of a discharged life-guardsman; but from his face you
might have supposed that he had sat for one of Rubens' Satyrs. He was
one of those people with whom you become immediately acquainted; and
before I had been an hour in his company, I laughed very heartily
at his jokes--not very delicate, I own, and for which he lost a
considerable portion of my respect; but he was a source of constant
amusement to me, living as we did in the same house.
I was just going out of the room when he stopped me--"I say, how
should you like to be introduced to some devilish nice Yankee girls,
relations of mine, from Philadelphia? and I should be obliged to you
to show them attention; very pretty girls, I can tell you, and will
have good fortunes--you may go farther and fare worse. The old dad
is as rich as a Jew--got the gout in both legs--can't hold out much
longer--nice pickings at his money bags, while the devil is picking
his bones."
There was no withstanding such inducements, and I agreed that he
should present me the next day.
Our dialogue was interrupted by the master of the house and his son,
who gave me a hearty welcome; the father had been a widower for some
years, and his only son Ned resided with him, and was intended to
succeed to his business as a merchant. We adjourned to dress for
dinner; our bed-rooms were contiguous, and we began to talk of Sir
Hurricane.
"He is a strange mixture," said Ned. "I love him for his good temper;
but I owe him a grudge for making mischief between me and Maria;
besides, he talks balderdash before the ladies, and annoys them very
much."
"I owe him a grudge too," said I, "for sending me to sea in a gale of
wind."
"We shall both be quits with him before long," said Ned; "but let us
now go and meet him at dinner. To-morrow I will set the housekeeper
at him for his cruelty to her cat; and if I am not much mistaken, she
will pay him off for it."
Dinner passed off extremely well. The admiral was in high spirits; and
as it was a bachelor's party, he earned his wine. The next morning we
met at breakfast. When that was over, the master of the house retired
to his office, or pretended to do so. I was going out to walk, but Ned
said I had better stay a few minutes; he had something to say to me;
in fact, he had prepared a treat without my knowing it.
"How did you sleep last night, Sir Hurricane?" said the artful Ned.
"Why, pretty well; considering," said the admiral, "I was not
tormented by that old tom cat. D----n me, Sir, that fellow was like
the Grand Signior, and he kept his seraglio in the garret, over my
bed-room, instead of being at his post in the kitchen, killing the
rats that are running about like coach-horses."
"Sir Hurricane," said I, "it's always unlucky to sailors, if they
meddle with cats. You will have a gale of wind, in some shape or
another, before long."
These words were hardly uttered, when, as if by preconcerted
arrangement, the door opened, and in sailed Mrs Jellybag, the
housekeeper, an elderly woman, somewhere in the latitude of fifty-five
or sixty years. With a low courtesy and contemptuous toss of her head,
she addressed Sir Hurricane Humbug.
"Pray, Sir Hurricane, what have you been doing to my cat?"
The admiral, who prided himself in putting any one who applied to
him on what he called the wrong scent, endeavoured to play off Mrs
Jellybag in the same manner.
"What have I done to your cat, my dear Mrs Jellybag? Why, my dear
Madam" (said he, assuming an air of surprise), "what _should_ I do to
your cat?"
"You _should_ have left him alone, Mr Admiral; that cat was my
property; if my master permits you to ill-treat the poultry, that's
his concern; but that cat was mine, Sir Hurricane--mine, every inch of
him. The animal has been ill-treated, and sits moping in the corner
of the fireplace, as if he was dying; he'll never be the cat he was
again."
"I don't think he ever will, my dear Mrs Housekeeper," answered the
admiral, drily.
The lady's wrath now began to kindle. The admiral's cool replies
were like water sprinkled upon a strong flame, increasing its force,
instead of checking it.
"Don't dear _me_, Sir Hurricane. I am not one of _your dears_--_your
dears_ are all in Dutchtown--more shame for you, an old man like you."
"Old man!" cried Sir Hurricane, losing his placidity a little.
"Yes, old man; look at your hair--as grey as a goose's."
"Why, as for my hair, that proves nothing, Mrs Jellybag, for though
there may be snow on the mountains, there is still heat in the
valleys. What d'ye think of my metaphor?"
"I am no more a _metafore_ than yourself, Sir Hurricane; but I'll
tell you what, you are a _cock-and-hen_ admiral, a dog-in-the-manger
barrownight, who was jealous of my poor tom cat, because--, I won't
say what. Yes, Sir Hurricane, all hours of the day you are leering at
every young woman that passes, out of our windows--and an old man too;
you ought to be ashamed of yourself--and then you go to church of a
Sunday, and cry, 'Good Lord, deliver us.'"
The housekeeper now advanced so close to the admiral, that her nose
nearly touched his, her arms akimbo, and every preparation for
boarding. The admiral, fearing she might not confine herself to
vocality, but begin to beat time with her fists, thought it right to
take up a position; he therefore very dexterously took two steps in
the rear, and mounted on a sofa; his left was defended by an upright
piano, his right by the breakfast-table, with all the tea-things on
it; his rear was against the wall, and his front depended on himself
in person. From this commanding eminence he now looked down on the
housekeeper, whose nose could reach no higher than the seals of
her adversary's watch; and in proportion as the baronet felt his
security, so rose his choler. Having been for many years Proctor at
the great universities of Point-street and Blue-town, as well as
member of Barbican and North Corner, he was perfectly qualified, in
point of classical dialect, to maintain the honour of his profession.
Nor was the lady by any means deficient. Although she had not taken
her degree, her tongue from constant use had acquired a fluency which
nature only concedes to practice.
It will not be expected, nor would it be proper, that I should repeat
all that passed in this concluding scene, in which the housekeeper
gave us good reason to suppose that she was not quite so ignorant of
the nature of the transaction as she would have had us believe.
The battle having raged for half an hour with great fury, both parties
desisted, for want of breath, and consequently of ammunition. This
produced a gradual cessation of firing, and by degrees the ships
separated--the admiral, like Lord Howe on the first of June,
preserving his position, though very much mauled; and the housekeeper,
like the Montague, _running down_ to join her associates. A few random
shots were exchanged as they parted, and at every second or third step
on the stairs, Mrs Margaret brought to, and fired, until both were
quite out of range; a distant rumbling noise was heard, and the
admiral concluded, by muttering that she might go--, somewhere, but
the word died between his teeth.
"There, admiral," said I, "did not I tell you that you would have a
squall?"
"Squall! yes--d----n my blood," wiping his face; "how the spray flew
from the old beldam! She's fairly wetted my trousers, by God. Who'd
ever thought that such a purring old b----h could have shown such a
set of claws!--War to the knife! By heavens, I'll make her remember
this."
Notwithstanding the admiral's threat, hostilities ceased from that
day. The cock-and-hen admiral found it convenient to show a white
feather; interest stood in the way, and barred him from taking his
revenge. Mrs Jellybag was a faithful servant, and our host neither
liked that she should be interfered with, or that his house should
become an arena for such conflicts; and the admiral, who was
peculiarly tenacious of undrawing the strings of his purse, found it
convenient to make the first advances. The affair was, therefore,
amicably arranged--the tom cat was, in consideration of his
sufferings, created a baronet, and was ever afterwards dignified by
the title of _Sir H. Humbug_; who certainly was the most eligible
person to select for god-father, as he had taken the most effectual
means of weaning him from "the pomps and vanities of this wicked
world."
It was now about one o'clock, for this dispute had ran away with the
best part of the morning, when Sir Hurricane said, "Come, youngster,
don't forget your engagements--you know I have got to introduce you to
my pretty cousins--you must mind your P's and Q's with the uncle, for
he is a sensible old fellow--has read a great deal, and thinks America
the first and greatest country in the world."
We accordingly proceeded to the residence of the fair strangers, whom
the admiral assured me had come to Halifax from mere curiosity, under
the protection of their uncle and aunt. We knocked at the door, and
the admiral inquired if Mrs M'Flinn was at home; we were answered
in the affirmative. The servant asked our names. "Vice Admiral Sir
Hurricane Humbug," said I, "and Mr Mildmay."
The drawing-room door was thrown open, and the man gave our names with
great propriety. In we walked; a tall, grave-looking, elderly lady
received us, standing bolt upright in the middle of the room; the
young ladies were seated at their work.
"My dear Mrs M'Flinn," said the admiral, "how do you do? I am
delighted to see you and your fair nieces looking so lovely this
morning."--The lady bowed to this compliment--a courtesy she was
not quite up to--"Allow me to introduce my gallant young friend,
Mildmay--young ladies, take care of your hearts--he is a great rogue,
I assure you, though he smiles so sweet upon you."
Mrs M'Flinn bowed again to me, hoped I was very well, and inquired
"how long I had been in these parts."
I replied that I had just returned from a cruise, but that I was no
stranger in Halifax.
"Come, officer," said the admiral, taking me by the arm, "I see you
are bashful--I must make you acquainted with my pretty cousins. This,
Sir, is Miss M'Flinn--her Christian name is Deliverance. She is a
young lady whose beauty is her least recommendation."
"A very equivocal compliment," thought I.
"This, Sir, is Miss Jemima; this is Miss Temperance; and this is Miss
Deborah. Now that you know them all by name, and they know you, I hope
you will contrive to make yourself both useful and agreeable."
"A very pretty sinecure," thinks I to myself, "just as if I had not my
hands full already." However, as I never wanted small talk for pretty
faces, I began with Jemima. They were all pretty, but she was a
love--yet there was an awkwardness about them that convinced me they
were not of the _bon ton_ of Philadelphia. The answers to all
my questions were quick, pert, and given with an air of assumed
consequence; at the same time I observed a mode of expression which,
though English, was not well-bred English.
"Did you come through the United States," said I, "into the British
territory, or did you come by water?"
"Oh, by water," screamed all the girls at once, "and _liked_ to have
been eaten up with the nasty roaches."
I did not exactly know what was meant by "roaches," but it was
explained to me soon after. I inquired whether they had seen a British
man-of-war, and whether they would like to accompany me on board of
that which I belonged to? They all screamed out at same moment--
"No, we never have seen one, and should like to see it of all things.
When will you take us?"
"To-morrow," said I, "if the day should prove fine."
Here the admiral, who had been making by-play with the old chaperon,
turned round, and said:
"Well, Mr Frank, I see you are getting on pretty well without my
assistance."
"Oh, we all like him very much," said Temperance; "and he says he will
take us on board his ship."
"Softly, my dear," said the aunt: "we must not think of giving the
gentleman the trouble, until we are better acquainted."
"I am sure, aunt," said Deborah, "we are very well acquainted."
"Then," said the aunt, seeing she was in the minority, "suppose you
and Sir Hurricane come and breakfast with us to-morrow morning at
eleven o'clock, after which, we shall all be very much at your
service."
Here the admiral looked at me with one of his impudent leers, and
burst into a loud laugh; but I commanded my countenance very well, and
rebuked him by a steady and reserved look.
"I shall have great pleasure," said I, to the lady, "in obeying your
orders from eleven to-morrow morning, till the hour of dinner, when I
am engaged."
So saying, we both bowed, wished them a good morning, and left the
room. The door closed upon us, and I heard them all exclaim--"What a
charming young man!"
I went on board, and told the first lieutenant what I had done; he,
very good-naturedly, said he would do his best, though the ship was
not in order for showing, and would have a boat ready for us at the
dock-yard stairs at one o'clock the next day.
I went to breakfast at the appointed hour. The admiral did not appear,
but the ladies were all in readiness, and I was introduced to their
uncle--a plain, civil-spoken man, with a strong nasal twang. The
repast was very good; and as I had a great deal of work before me,
I made hay while the sun shone. When the rage of hunger had been a
little appeased, I made use of the first belle to inquire if a lady
whom I once had the honour of knowing, was any relation of theirs, as
she bore the same name, and came, like them, from Philadelphia.
"Oh, dear, yes, indeed, she is a relation," said all the ladies
together; "we have not seen her this seven years, when did you see her
last?"
I replied that we had not met for some time; but that the last time I
had heard of her, she was seen by a friend of mine at Turin on the Po.
The last syllable was no sooner out of my mouth, than tea, coffee, and
chocolate was out of theirs, all spirting different ways, just like so
many young grampuses. They jumped up from the table and ran away to
their rooms, convulsed with laughter, leaving me alone with their
uncle. I was all amazement, and I own felt a little annoyed.
I asked if I had made any serious lapsus, or said any thing very
ridiculous or indelicate; if I had, I said I should never forgive
myself.
"Sir," said Mr M'Flinn, "I am very sure you meant nothing indelicate;
but the refined society of Philadelphia, in which these young ladies
have been educated, attaches very different meanings to certain words,
to what you do in the old country. The back settlements, for instance,
so called by our ancestors, we call the western settlements, and we
apply the same term, by analogy, to the human figure and dress. This
is a mere little explanation, which you will take as it is meant. It
cannot be expected that '_foreigners_' should understand the niceties
of our language."
I begged pardon for my ignorance; and assured him I would be more
cautious in future. "But pray tell me," said I, "what there was in my
last observation which could have caused so much mirth at my expense?"
"Why, Sir," said Mr M'Flinn, "you run me hard there; but since
you force me to explain myself, I must say that you used a word
exclusively confined to bedchambers."
"But surely, Sir," said I, "you will allow that the name of a
celebrated river, renowned in the most ancient of our histories, is
not to be changed from such a refined notion of false delicacy?"
"There you are wrong," said Mr M'Flinn. "The French, who are our
instructors in every thing, teach us how to name all these things; and
I think you will allow that they understand true politeness."
I bowed to this dictum, only observing, that there was a point in our
language where delicacy became indelicate; that I thought the noble
river had a priority of claim over a contemptible vessel; and,
reverting to the former part of his discourse, I said that we in
England were not ashamed to call things by their proper names; and
that we considered it a great mark of ill-breeding to go round about
for a substitute to a common word, the vulgar import of which a well
bred and modest woman ought never to have known.
The old gentleman felt a little abashed at this rebuke, and, to
relieve him, I changed the subject, hoping that the ladies would
forgive me for this once, and return to their breakfasts.
"Why, as for that matter," said the gentleman, "the Philadelphia
ladies have very delicate appetites, and I dare say they have had
enough."
Finding I was not likely to gain ground on that tack, I steered my
own course, and finished my breakfast, comforting myself that much
execution had been done by the ladies on the commissariat department,
before the "Po" had made its appearance.
By the time I had finished, the ladies had composed themselves; and
the pretty Jemima had recovered the saint-like gravity of her lovely
mouth. Decked in shawls and bonnets, they expressed much impatience to
be gone. We walked to the dock-yard, where a boat with a midshipman
attended, and in a few minutes conveyed us alongside of my ship.
A painted cask, shaped like a chair, with, a whip from the main
yard-arm, was let down into the boat; and I carefully packed the fair
creatures, two at a time, and sent them up. There was a good deal of
giggling, and screaming, and loud laughing, which rather annoyed me;
for as they were not my friends, I had no wish that my messmates
should think they belonged to that set in Halifax in which I was so
kindly received.
At length, all were safely landed on the quarter-deck, without the
exposure of an ancle, which they all seemed to dread. Whether their
ancles were not quite so small as Mr M'Flinn wished me to suppose
their appetites were, I cannot say.
"La! aunt," said Deborah, "when I looked up in the air, and saw you
and Deliverance dangling over our heads, I thought if the rope was to
break, what a 'squash' you would have come on us: I am sure you would
have _paunched us_."
Determined to have the Philadelphia version of this elegant phrase, I
inquired what it meant, and was informed, that in their country when
any one had his bowels _squeezed_ out, they called it "_paunching_."
"Well," thought I, "after this, you might swallow the Po without
spoiling your breakfasts." The band struck up "Yankee Doodle," the
ladies were in ecstacy, and began to caper round the quarter-deck.
"La! Jemima," said Deborah, "what have you done to the western side of
your gown? it is all over white."
This was soon brushed off, but the expression was never forgotten in
the ship, and always ludicrously applied.
Having shown them the ship and all its wonders, I was glad to conduct
them back to the shore. When I met the admiral, I told him I had done
the honours, and hoped the next time he had any female relatives, he
would keep his engagements, and attend to them himself.
"Why, now, who do you think they are?" said the admiral.
"Think!" said I, "why, who should they be but your Yankee cousins?"
"Why, was you such a d----d flat as to believe what I said, eh? Why,
their father keeps a shop of all sorts at Philadelphia, and they were
going to New York, on a visit to some of their relatives, when the
ship they were in was taken and brought in here."
"Then," said I, "these are not the bon-ton of Philadelphia?"
"Just as much as Nancy Dennis is the bon-ton of Halifax," said the
admiral; "though the uncle, as I told you, is a sensible fellow in his
way."
"Very well," said I; "you have caught me for once; but remember, I pay
you for it."
And I was not long in his debt. Had he not given me this explanation,
I should have received a very false impression of the ladies of
Philadelphia, and have done them an injustice for which I should never
have forgiven myself.
The time of our sailing drew near. This was always a melancholy time
in Halifax; but my last act on shore was one which created some mirth,
and enlivened the gloom of my departure. My friend Ned and myself had
not yet had an opportunity of paying off Sir Hurricane Humbug for
telling tales to Maria, and for his false introduction to myself. One
morning we both came out of our rooms at the same moment, and were
proceeding to the breakfast parlour, when we spied the admiral
performing some experiment. Unfortunately for him, he was seated in
such a manner, just clear of a pent-house, as to be visible from our
position; and at the same time, the collar of his coat would exactly
intersect the segment of a circle described by any fluid, projected by
us over this low roof, which would thus act as a conductor into the
very pole of his neck.
The housemaid (these housemaids are always the cause or the
instruments of mischief, either by design or neglect), had left
standing near the window a pail nearly filled with dirty water, from
the wash-hand basins, &c. Ned and I looked at each other, then at the
pail, then at the admiral. Ned thought of his Maria: I of my false
introduction. Without saying a word, we both laid our hands on the
pail, and in an instant, souse went all the contents over the admiral.
"I say, what's this?" he roared out. "Oh, you d----d rascals!"
He knew it could only be us. We laughed so immoderately, that we
had not the power to move or to speak; while the poor admiral was
spitting, sputtering, and coughing, enough to bring his heart up.
"You infernal villains! No respect for a flag-officer? I'll serve you
out for this."
The tears rolled down our cheeks; but not with grief. As soon as
the admiral had sufficiently recovered himself to go in pursuit, we
thought it time to make sail. We knew we were discovered; and as the
matter could not be made worse, we resolved to tell him what it was
for. Ned began.
"How do you do, admiral? you have taken a shower-bath this morning."
He looked up, with his teeth clenched--"Oh, it's you, is it? Yes, I
thought it could be no one else. Yes, I have had a shower-bath, and be
d----d to you; and that sea-devil of a friend of yours. Pretty pass
the service has come to, when officers of my rank are treated in this
way. I'll make you both envy the tom-cat."
"Beware the housekeeper, admiral," said Ned. "Maria has made it up
with me, admiral, and she sends her love to you."
"D----n Maria."
"Oh, very well, I'll tell her so," said Ned.
"Admiral," said I, "do you remember when you sent the --- to sea in a
gale of wind, when I was midshipman of her? Well, I got just as wet
that night as you are now. Pray, admiral, have you any commands to the
Misses M'Flinn?"
"I'll tell you when I catch hold of you," said Sir Hurricane, as he
moved up stairs to his room, dripping like Pope's Lodona, only not
smelling so sweet.
Hearing a noise, the housekeeper came up, and all the family assembled
to condole with the humid admiral, but each enjoying the joke as much
as ourselves. We however paid rather dearly for it. The admiral swore
that neither of us should eat or drink in the house for three days;
and Ned's father, though ready to burst with laughter, was forced in
common decency to say that he thought the admiral perfectly right
after so gross a violation of hospitality.
I went and dined on board my ship, Ned went to a coffee-house; but
on the third morning after the shower, I popped my head into the
breakfast parlour, and said,
"Admiral, I have a good story to tell you, if you will let me come
in."
"I'd see you d----d first, you young scum of a fish pond. Be off, or
I'll shy the ham at your head."
"No, but indeed, my dear Admiral, it is such a nice story; it is one
just to your fancy."
"Well then, stand there and tell it, but don't come in, for if you
do--"
I stood at the door and told him the story.
"Well, now," said he, "that is a good story, and I will forgive you
for it." So with a hearty laugh at my ingenuity, he promised to
forgive us both, and I ran and fetched Ned to breakfast.
This was the safest mode we could have adopted to get into favour, for
the admiral was a powerful, gigantic fellow, that could have given us
some very awkward squeezes. The peace was very honourably kept, and
the next day the ship sailed.