Injuries may be atoned for and forgiven; but insults admit of no
compensation. They degrade the mind in its own esteem, and force
it to recover its level by revenge.--JUNIUS.
There are certain events in our lives poetically and beautifully
described by Moore, as "green spots in memory's waste." Such are the
emotions arising from the attainment, after a long pursuit, of any
darling object of love or ambition; and although possession and
subsequent events may have proved to us that we had overrated our
enjoyment, and experience have shown us "that all is vanity," still,
recollection dwells with pleasure upon the beating heart, when the
present only was enjoyed, and the picture painted by youthful and
sanguine anticipation in glowing and delightful colours. Youth only
can feel this; age has been often deceived--too often has the fruit
turned to ashes in the mouth. The old look forward with a distrust and
doubt, and backward with sorrow and regret.
One of the red-letter days of my life, was that on which I first
mounted the uniform of a midshipman. My pride and ecstacy were beyond
description. I had discarded the school and school-boy dress, and,
with them, my almost stagnant existence. Like the chrysalis changed
into a butterfly, I fluttered about as if to try my powers; and felt
myself a gay and beautiful creature, free to range over the wide
domains of nature, clear of the trammels of parents or schoolmasters;
and my heart bounded within me at the thoughts of being left to enjoy
at my own discretion, the very acmé of all the pleasure that human
existence could afford; and I observe that in this, as in most other
cases, I met with that disappointment which usually attends us. True
it is, that in the days of my youth, I did enjoy myself. I was happy
for a time, if happiness it could be called; but dearly have I
paid for it. I contracted a debt, which I have been liquidating by
instalments ever since; nor am I yet emancipated. Even the small
portion of felicity that fell to my lot on this memorable morning was
brief in duration, and speedily followed by chagrin.
But to return to my uniform. I had arrayed myself in it; my dirk was
belted round my waist; a cocked-hat, of an enormous size, stuck on my
head; and, being perfectly satisfied with my own appearance, at the
last survey which I had made in the glass, I first rang for the
chambermaid, under pretence of telling her to make my room tidy, but,
in reality, that she might admire and compliment me, which she very
wisely did; and I was fool enough to give her half a crown and a kiss,
for I felt myself quite a man. The waiter, to whom the chambermaid had
in all probability communicated the circumstance, presented himself,
and having made a low bow, offered the same compliments, and received
the same reward, save the kiss. Boots would, in all probability, have
come in for his share, had he been in the way, for I was fool enough
to receive all their fine speeches as if they were my due, and to pay
for them at the same time in ready money. I was a gudgeon and they
were sharks; and more sharks would soon have been about me, for I
heard them, as they left the room, call "boots" and "ostler," of
course to assist in lightening my purse.
But I was too impatient to wait on my captain and see my ship--so I
bounced down the stairs, and in the twinkling of an eye, was on my
way to Stonehouse, where my vanity received another tribute, by a raw
recruit of marine raising his hand to his head, as he passed by me. I
took it as it was meant, raised my hat off my head, and shuffled
by with much self-importance. One consideration, I own, mortified
me--this was that the _natives_ did not appear to admire me half so
much as I admired myself. It never occurred to me then, that middies
were as plentiful at Plymouth Dock, as black boys at Port Royal,
though, perhaps, not of so much value to their masters. I will not
shock the delicacy of my fair readers by repeating all the vulgar
alliterations with which my noviciate was greeted, as I passed in
review before the ladies of North Corner, who met me in Fore Street.
Unsophisticated as I then was, in many points, and certainly in this,
I thought them extremely ill-bred. Fortunately for me, the prayers of
a certain description of people never prevail, otherwise I should have
been immediately consigned to a place, from which, I fear, all the
masses of France and Italy would not have extricated me.
I escaped from these syrens without being bound to the mast, like
Ulysses; but, like him, I had nearly fallen a victim to a modern
Polyphemus; for though he had not one eye in the middle of his
forehead, after the manner of his prototype, yet the rays from both
his eyes meeting together at the tip of his long nose, gave him very
much that appearance. Ignorance, sheer ignorance, in this, as in many
other cases, was the cause of my disaster. A party of officers, in
full uniform, were coming from a court-martial. "Oh ho!" said I, "here
come some of us." I seized my dirk in my left hand, as I saw they held
their swords, and I stuck my right hand into my bosom as some of them
had done. I tried to imitate their erect and officer-like bearing;
I put my cocked-hat on fore and aft, with the gold rosette dangling
between my two eyes, so that in looking at it, which I could not help
doing, I must have squinted. And I held my nose high in the air, like
a pig in a hurricane, fancying myself as much an object of admiration
to them as I was to myself. We passed on opposite tacks, and our
respective velocities had separated us to the distance of twenty or
thirty yards, when one of them called out to me in a voice evidently
cracked in His Majesty's service--"Hollo, young gentleman, come back
here."
I concluded I was going to be complimented on the cut of my coat, to
be asked the address of my tailor, and to hear the rakish sit of my
hat admired. I now began to think I should hear a contention between
the lords of the ocean, as to who should have me as a sample middy on
their quarter-decks; and I was even framing an excuse to my father's
friend for not joining his ship. Judge then of my surprise and
mortification, when I was thus accosted in an angry and menacing tone
by the oldest of the officers--
"Pray, sir, what ship do you belong to?"
"Sir," said I, proud to be thus interrogated, "I belong to His
Majesty's ship, the _Le----_" (having a French name, I clapped on both
the French and English articles, as being more impressive).
"Oh, you do, do you?" said the veteran with an air of conscious
superiority; "then you will be so good as to turn round, go down to
Mutton Cove, take a boat, and have your person conveyed with all
possible speed on board of His Majesty's ship the _Lee_" (imitating
me); "and tell the first lieutenant it is my order that you be not
allowed any more leave while the ship is in port; and I shall tell
your captain he must teach his officers better manners than to pass
the port-admiral without touching their hats."
While this harangue was going on, I stood in a circle, of which I was
the centre, and the admiral and the captains formed the circumference;
what little air there was their bodies intercepted, so that I was not
only in a stew, but stupefied into the bargain.
"There, sir, you hear me--you may go."
"Yes, I do hear you," thinks I; "but how the devil am I to get away
from you?" for the cruel captains, like school-boys round a rat-trap,
stood so close that I could not start. Fortunately, this my blockade,
which they no doubt intended for their amusement, saved me for that
time. I recollected myself, and said, with affected simplicity of
manner, that I had that morning put on my uniform for the first time;
that I had never seen my captain, and never was on board a ship in all
my life. At this explanation, the countenance of the admiral relaxed
into something that was meant for a smile, and the captains all burst
into a loud laugh.
"Well, young man," said the admiral--who was really a good-tempered
fellow, though an odd one--"well, young man, since you have never been
at sea, it is some excuse for not knowing good manners; there is no
necessity now for delivering my message to the first lieutenant, but
you may go on board your ship."
Having seen me well-roasted, the captains opened right and left, and
let me pass. As I left them I heard one say, "Just caught--marks of
the dogs' teeth in his heels, I warrant you." I did not stop to make
any reply, but sneaked away, mortified and crest-fallen, and certainly
obeyed this the first order which I had ever received in the service,
with more exactness than I ever did any subsequent one.
During the remainder of my walk, I touched my hat to every one I met.
I conferred the honour of a salute on midshipmen, master's mates,
sergeants of marines, and two corporals. Nor was I aware of my over
complaisance, until a young woman, dressed like a lady, who knew more
of the navy than I did, asked me if I had come down to stand for the
borough? Without knowing what she meant, I replied, "No."
"I thought you might," said she, "seeing you are so d----d civil to
everybody."
Had it not been for this friendly hint, I really believe I should have
touched my hat to a drummer.
Having gone through this ordeal, I reached the inn at Plymouth, where
I found my captain, and presented my father's letter. He surveyed me
from top to toe, and desired the pleasure of my company to dinner at
six o'clock. "In the mean time," he said, "as it is now only eleven,
you may go aboard, and show yourself to Mr Handstone, the first
lieutenant, who will cause your name to be entered on the books, and
allow you to come back here to dine." I bowed and retired. And on my
way to Mutton Cove was saluted by the females, with the appellation
of Royal Reefer (midshipman), and a Biscuit Nibbler; but all this I
neither understood nor cared for. I arrived safely at Mutton Cove,
where two women, seeing my inquiring eye and span-new dress, asked
what ship they should take "my honour" to, I told them the ship I
wished to go on board of.
"She _lays_ under the _Obelisk_," said the elder woman, who appeared
to be about forty years of age; "and we will take your honour off for
a shilling."
I agreed to this, both for the novelty of the thing, as well as on
account of my natural gallantry and love of female society. The elder
woman was mistress of her profession, handling her scull (oar) with
great dexterity; but Sally, the younger one, who was her daughter, was
still in her noviciate. She was pretty, cleanly dressed, had on white
stockings, and sported a neat foot and ankle.
"Take care, Sally," said the mother; "keep stroke, or you will catch a
crab."
"Never fear, mother," said the confident Sally; and at the same
moment, as if the very caution against the accident was the cause of
it, the blade of her scull did not dip into the water. The oar meeting
no resistance, its loom, or handle, came back upon the bosom of the
unfortunate Sally, tipped her backwards--up went her heels in the air,
and down fell her head into the bottom of the boat. As she was pulling
the stroke oar, her feet almost came in contact with the rosette of my
cocked hat.
"There now, Sally," said the wary mother; "I told you how it would
be--I knew you would catch a crab!"
Sally quickly recovered herself, blushed a little, and resumed her
occupation.
"That's what we calls catching a crab in our country," said the woman.
I replied that I thought it was a very pretty amusement; and I asked
Sally to try and catch another; but she declined; and, by this time,
we had reached the side of the ship.
Having paid my naiads, I took hold of the man-rope, as I was
instructed by them, and mounted the side. Reaching the gangway, I was
accosted by a midshipman in a round jacket and trousers, a shirt none
of the cleanest, and a black silk handkerchief tied loosely round his
neck.
"Who did you want, sir?" said he.
"I wish to speak with Mr Handstone, the first lieutenant," said I. He
informed me that the first lieutenant was then gone down to frank the
letters, and, when he came on deck, he would acquaint him with my
being there.
After this dialogue, I was left on the larboard side of the
quarter-deck to my own meditations. The ship was at this time
refitting, and was what is usually called in the hands of the
dockyard, and a sweet mess she was in. The quarter-deck carronades
were run fore and aft; the slides unbolted from the side, the decks
were covered with pitch fresh poured into the seams, and the caulkers
were sitting on their boxes, ready to renew their noisy labours as
soon as the dinner-hour had expired. The middies, meanwhile, on the
starboard side of the quarter-deck, were taking my altitude, and
speculating as to whether I was to be a messmate of theirs, and what
sort of a chap I might chance to be--both these points were solved
very speedily.
The first lieutenant came on deck; the midshipman of the watch
presented me, and I presented my name and the captain's message.
"It is all right, sir," said Mr Handstone. "Here, Mr Flyblock, do you
take this young gentleman into your mess; you may show him below as
soon as you please, and tell him where to hang his hammock up."
I followed my new friend down the ladder, under the half deck, where
sat a woman, selling bread and butter and red herrings to the sailors;
she had also cherries and clotted cream, and a cask of strong beer,
which seemed to be in great demand. We passed her, and descended
another ladder, which brought us to the 'tween-decks, and into the
steerage, in the forepart of which, on the larboard side, abreast of
the mainmast, was my future residence--a small hole, which they called
a berth; it was ten feet long by six, and about five feet four inches
high; a small aperture, about nine inches square, admitted a very
scanty portion of that which we most needed, namely, fresh air and
daylight. A deal table occupied a very considerable extent of this
small apartment, and on it stood a brass candle-stick, with a dip
candle, and a wick like a fullblown carnation. The table-cloth was
spread, and the stains of port wine and gravy too visibly indicated,
like the midshipman's dirty shirt, the near approach of Sunday. The
black servant was preparing for dinner, and I was shown the seat I was
to occupy. "Good Heaven!" thought I, as I squeezed myself between
the ship's side and the mess-table; "and is this to be my future
residence?--better go back to school; there, at least, there is fresh
air and clean linen."
I would have written that moment to my dear, broken-hearted mother, to
tell her how gladly her prodigal son would fly back to her arms; but
I was prevented doing this, first by pride, and secondly by want
of writing materials. Taking my place, therefore, at the table, I
mustered up all my philosophy; and, to amuse myself, called to mind
the reflections of Gil Blas, when he found himself in the den of the
robbers, "Behold, then, the worthy nephew of my uncle, Gil Perez,
caught like a rat in a trap."
Most of my new associates were absent on duty; the 'tween-decks was
crammed with casks and cases, and chests, and bags, and hammocks; the
noise of the caulkers was resumed over my head and all around me;
the stench of bilge-water, combining with the smoke of tobacco, the
effluvia of gin and beer, the frying of beef-steaks and onions, and
red herrings--the pressure of a dark atmosphere and a heavy shower
of rain, all conspired to oppress my spirits, and render me the
most miserable dog that ever lived. I had almost resigned myself to
despair, when I recollected the captain's invitation, and mentioned
it to Flyblock. "That's well thought of," said he; "Murphy also dines
with him; you can both go together, and I dare say he will be very
glad of your company."
A captain seldom waits for a midshipman, and we took good care he
should not wait for us. The dinner was in all respects one "on
service." The captain said a great deal, the lieutenants very little,
and the midshipmen nothing at all; but the performance of the knife
and fork, and wine-glass (as far as it could be got at), were exactly
in the inverse ratio. The company consisted of my own captain, and two
others, our first lieutenant, Murphy, and myself.
As soon as the cloth was removed, the captain filled me out a glass of
wine, desired I would drink it, and then go and see how the wind was.
I took this my first admonitory hint in its literal sense and meaning;
but having a very imperfect idea of the points of the compass, I own I
felt a little puzzled how I should obtain the necessary information.
Fortunately for me, there was a weathercock on the old church-steeple;
it had four letters, which I certainly did know were meant to
represent the cardinal points. One of these seemed so exactly to
correspond with the dial above it, that I made up my mind the wind
must be West, and instantly returned to give my captain the desired
information, not a little proud with my success in having obtained it
so soon. But what was my surprise to find that I was not thanked for
my trouble; the company even smiled and winked at each other; the
first lieutenant nodded his head and said, "Rather green yet." The
captain, however, settled the point according to the manners and
customs, in such cases, used at sea. "Here, youngster," said he, "here
is another glass for you; drink that, and then Murphy will show you
what I mean." Murphy was my chaperon; he swallowed his wine--rather _à
gorge déployée_; put down his glass very energetically, and, bowing,
left the room.
When we had got fairly into the hall, we had the following
duet:--"What the h---- brought you back again, you d----d young
greenhorn? Could not you take a hint, and be off, as the captain
intended? So I must lose my wine for such a d----d young whelp as you.
I'll pay you off for this, my tight fellow, before we have been many
weeks together."
I listened to this elegant harangue, with some impatience, and much
more indignation. "I came back," said I, "to tell the captain how the
wind was."
"You be d----d," replied Murphy: "do you think the captain did not
know how the wind was? and if he had wanted to know, don't you think
he would have sent a sailor like me, instead of such a d----d lubberly
whelp as you?"
"As to what the captain meant," said I, "I do not know. I did as I was
bid--but what do you mean by calling me a whelp? I am no more a whelp
than yourself!"
"Oh, you are not, a'n't you?" said Murphy, seizing me by one of my
ears, which he pulled so unmercifully that he altered the shape of it
very considerably, making it something like the leeboard of a Dutch
schuyt.
This was not to be borne; though, as I was but thirteen, he seventeen,
and a very stout fellow, I should rather not have sought an action
with him. But he had begun it: my honour was at stake, and I only
wonder I had not drawn my dirk, and laid him dead at my feet.
Fortunately for him, the rage I was in, made me forget I had it by my
side: though I remembered my uniform, the disgrace brought upon it,
and the admiration of the chambermaid, as well as the salute of the
sentinel, all which formed a combustible in my brain. I went off like
a flash, and darted my fist (the weapon I had been most accustomed to
wield) into the left eye of my adversary, with a force and precision
which Crib would have applauded. Murphy staggered back with the blow,
and for a moment I flattered myself he had had enough of it.
But no--alas, this was a day of disappointments! he had only retreated
to take a spring; he then came on me like the lifeguards at Waterloo,
and his charge was irresistible. I was upset, pummelled, thumped,
kicked, and should probably have been the subject of a coroner's
inquest had not the waiter and chambermaid run in to my rescue. The
tongue of the latter was particularly active in my favour: unluckily
for me, she had no other weapon near her, or it would have gone hard
with Murphy. "Shame!" said she, "for such a great lubberly creature to
beat such a poor, little, innocent, defenceless fellow as that. What
would his mamma say to see him treated so?"
"D----n his mamma, and you too," said Pat, "look at my eye."
"D----n your eye," said the waiter: "it's a pity he had not served the
other one the same way; no more than you deserve for striking a child;
the boy is game, and that's more than you are; he is worth as many of
you, as will stand between this and the iron chair at Barbican."
"I'd like to see him duck'd in it," said the maid.
While this was going on, I had resumed my defensive attitude. I
had never once complained, and had gained the good-will of all the
bystanders, among whom now appeared my captain and his friends. The
blood was streaming from my mouth, and I bore the marks of discipline
from the superior prowess of my enemy, who was a noted pugilist for
his age, and would not have received the hit from me, if he had
supposed my presumption would have led me to attack him. The captain
demanded an explanation. Murphy told the story in his own way, and
gave anything but the true version. I could have beaten him at that,
but truth answered my purpose better than falsehood on this occasion;
so, as soon as he had done, I gave my round unvarnished tale, and,
although defeated in the field, I plainly saw that I had the advantage
of him in the cabinet. Murphy was dismissed in disgrace, and ordered
to rusticate on board till his eye was bright.
"I should have confined you to the ship myself," said the captain,
"but the boy has done it for me; you cannot appear on shore with that
black eye."
As soon as he was gone, I was admonished to be more careful in future.
"You are," said the captain, "like a young bear; all your sorrows are
before you; if you give a blow for every hard name you receive, your
fate in the service may be foreseen: if weak you will be pounded to a
mummy--if strong, you will be hated. A quarrelsome disposition will
make you enemies in every rank you may attain; you will be watched
with a jealous eye, well knowing, as we all do, that the same spirit
of insolence and overbearing which you show in the cockpit, will
follow you to the quarter-deck, and rise with you in the service. This
advice is for your own good; not that I interfere in these things, as
everybody and everything finds its level in a man-of-war; I only wish
you to draw a line between resistance against oppression, which I
admire and respect, and a litigious, uncompromising disposition, which
I despise. Now wash your face and go on board. Try by all means to
conciliate the rest of your messmates, for first impressions are
everything, and rely on it, Murphy's report will not be in your
favour."
This advice was very good, but had the disadvantage of coming too late
for that occasion by at least half an hour. The fracas was owing to
the captain's mismanagement, and the manners and customs of the navy
at the beginning of the nineteenth century. The conversation at the
tables of the higher ranks of the service in those days, unless ladies
were present, was generally such as a boy could not listen to without
injury to his better feelings. I was therefore "hinted off;" but with
due respect to my captain, who is still living, I should have been
sent on board of my ship and cautioned against the bad habits of the
natives of North Corner and Barbican; and if I could not be admitted
to the mysterious conversation of a captain's table, I should have
been told in a clear and decided manner to depart, without the
needless puzzle of an innuendo, which I did not and could not
understand.
I returned on board about eight o'clock, where Murphy had gone before
me, and prepared a reception far from agreeable. Instead of being
welcomed to my berth, I was received with coldness, and I returned to
the quarter-deck, where I walked till I was weary, and then leaned
against a gun. From this temporary alleviation, I was roused by a
voice of thunder, "Lean off that gun." I started up, touched my hat,
and continued my solitary walk, looking now and then at the second
lieutenant, who had thus gruffly addressed me. I felt a dejection of
spirits, a sense of destitution and misery, which I cannot describe. I
had done no wrong, yet I was suffering as if I had committed a crime.
I had been aggrieved, and had vindicated myself as well as I could. I
thought I was among devils, and not men; my thoughts turned homeward.
I remembered my poor mother in her agony of grief, on the sofa; and my
unfeeling heart then found that it needed the soothings of affection.
I could have wept, but I knew not where to go; for I could not be seen
to cry on board of ship. My pride began to be humbled. I felt the
misery of dependence, although not wanting pecuniary resources; and
would have given up all my prospects to have been once more seated
quietly at home.
The first lieutenant came on board soon after, and I heard him
relating my adventure to the second lieutenant. The tide now evidently
turned in my favour. I was invited down to the gun-room, and having
given satisfactory answers to all the questions put to me, Flyblock
was sent for, and I was once more placed under his protection. The
patronage of the first lieutenant, I flattered myself would have
ensured me at least common civility for a short time.
I had now more leisure to contemplate my new residence and new
associates, who, having returned from the duty of the dock-yard, were
all assembled in the berth, seated round the table on the lockers,
which paid "the double debt" of seats and receptacles; but in order to
obtain a sitting, it was requisite either to climb over the backs of
the company, or submit to "high pressure" from the last comer. Such
close contact, even with our best friends, is never desirable; but in
warm weather, in a close, confined air, with a manifest scarcity of
clean linen, it became particularly inconvenient. The population here
very far exceeded the limits usually allotted to human beings in any
situation of life, except in a slave ship. The midshipmen, of whom
there were eight full-grown, and four youngsters, were without either
jackets or waistcoats; some of them had their shirt-sleeves rolled up,
either to prevent the reception or to conceal the absorption of dirt
in the region of the wristbands. The repast on the table consisted of
a can or large black-jack of small beer, and a japan bread-basket full
of sea-biscuit. To compensate for this simple fare, and at the same
time to cool the close atmosphere of the berth, the table was covered
with a large green cloth with a yellow border, and many yellow spots
withal, where the colour had been discharged by slops of vinegar, hot
tea, &c, &c.; a sack of potatoes stood in one corner, and the shelves
all round, and close over our heads, were stuffed with plates,
glasses, quadrants, knives and forks, loaves of sugar, dirty stockings
and shirts, and still fouler table-cloths, small tooth-combs, and
ditto large, clothes brushes and shoe brushes, cocked-hats, dirks,
German flutes, mahogany writing-desks, a plate of salt butter, and
some two or three pairs of naval half-boots. A single candle served to
make darkness visible, and the stench had nearly overpowered me.
The reception I met with tended in no way to relieve these horrible
impressions. A black man, with no other dress than a dirty check shirt
and trousers, not smelling of amber, stood within the door, ready to
obey all and any one of the commands with which he was loaded. The
smell of the towel he held in his hand, to wipe the plates and glasses
with, completed my discomfiture; and I fell sick upon the seat nearest
at me. Recovering from this, without the aid of any "ministering
angel," I contracted the pupils of my eyes, and ventured to look
around me. The first who met my gaze, was my recent foe; he bore the
marks of contention by having his eye bound up with brown paper and a
dirty silk pocket-handkerchief; the other was quickly turned on me;
and, with a savage and brutal countenance, he swore and denounced the
severest vengeance on me for what I had done. In this, he was joined
by another ill-looking fellow, with large whiskers.
I shall not repeat the elegant philippics with which I was greeted.
Suffice it to say that I found all the big ones against me, and the
little ones neuter; the caterer supposing I had received suitable
admonition for my future guidance, and that I was completely bound
over to keep the peace--turned all the youngsters out of the berth.
"As for you, Mr Fistycuff," said he, addressing himself to me, "you
may walk off with the rest of the gang, so make yourself scarce, like
the Highlander's breeches."
The boys all obeyed the command in silence, and I was not sorry to
follow them. As I went out he added, "So, Mr Rumbusticus, you can obey
orders, I see, and it is well for you; for I had a biscuit ready to
shy at your head." This affront, after all I had suffered, I was
forced to pocket; but I could not understand what the admiral could
mean, when he said that people went to sea "to learn manners."
I soon made acquaintance with the younger set of my messmates, and we
retreated to the forecastle as the only part of the ship suitable to
the nature of the conversation we intended to hold. After one hour's
deliberation, and notwithstanding it was the first night I had ever
been on board a ship, I was unanimously elected leader of this little
band. I became the William Tell of the party, as having been the first
to resist the tyranny of the oldsters, and especially of the tyrant
Murphy. I was let into all the secrets of the mess in which the
youngsters were placed by the captain to be instructed and kept in
order. Alas! what instruction did we get but blasphemy? What order
were we kept in, except that of paying our mess, and being forbidden
to partake of those articles which our money had purchased? My blood
boiled when they related all they had suffered, and I vowed I would
sooner die than submit to such treatment.
The hour of bed-time arrived. I was instructed how to get into my
hammock, and laughed at for tumbling out on the opposite side. I was
forced to submit to this pride of conscious superiority of these
urchins who could only boast of a few months' more practical
experience than myself, and who, therefore, called me a greenhorn. But
all this was done in good nature; and after a few hearty laughs from
my companions, I gained the centre of my suspended bed, and was very
soon in a sound sleep. This was only allowed to last till about four
o'clock in the morning, when down came the head of my hammock, and I
fell to the deck, with my feet still hanging in the air, like poor
Sally, when she caught the crab. Stunned and stupefied by the fall,
bewildered by the violent concussion and the novelty of all around me,
I continued in a state of somnambulism, and it was some minutes before
I could recollect myself.
The marine sentinel at the gun-room door seeing what had happened, and
also espying the person to whom I was indebted for this favour, very
kindly came to my assistance. He knotted my lanyard, and restored my
hammock to its place; but he could not persuade me to confide myself
again to such treacherous bedposts, for I thought the rope had broken;
and so strongly did the fear of another tumble possess my mind, that
I took a blanket, and lay down on a chest at some little distance,
keeping a sleepless eye directed to the scene of my late disaster.
This was fortunate; for not many minutes had elapsed, when Murphy, who
had been relieved from the middle watch, came below, and seeing my
hammock again hanging up, and supposing me in it, took out his knife
and cut it down. "So then," said I to myself, "it was you who invaded
my slumbers, and nearly dashed my brains out, and have now made the
second attempt." I vowed to Heaven that I would have revenge; and
I acquitted myself of that vow. Like the North American savage,
crouching lest he should see me, I waited patiently till he had got
into his hammock, and was in a sound sleep. I then gently pushed a
shot-case under the head of his hammock, and placed the corner of it
so as to receive his head; for had it split his skull I should not
have cared, so exasperated was I, and so bent on revenge. Subtle
and silent, I then cut his lanyard: he fell, and his head coming in
contact with the edge of the shot-case, he gave a deep groan, and
there he lay. I instantly retreated to my chest and blanket, where I
pretended to snore, while the sentinel, who, fortunately for me, had
seen Murphy cut me down the first time, came with his lanthorn, and
seeing him apparently dead, removed the shot-case out of the way,
and then ran to the sergeant of marines, desiring him to bring the
surgeon's assistant.
While the sergeant was gone, he whispered softly to me, "Lie still;
I saw the whole of it, and if you are found out, it may go hard with
you."
Murphy, it appeared, had few friends in the ship; all rejoiced at
his accident. I laid very quietly in my blanket while the surgeon's
assistant dressed the wound; and, after a considerable time, succeeded
in restoring the patient to his senses: he was, however, confined a
fortnight to his bed. I was either not suspected, or, if I was, it was
known that I was not the aggressor. The secret was well kept. I gave
the marine a guinea, and took him into my service as _valet de place_.
And now, reader, in justice to myself, allow me to make a few remarks.
They may serve as a palliative, to a certain degree, for that
unprincipled career which the following pages will expose. The
passions of pride and revenge, implanted in our fallen natures, and
which, if not eradicated in the course of my education, ought, at
least, to have lain dormant as long as possible, were, through the
injudicious conduct of those to whom I had been entrusted, called into
action and full activity at a very early age. The moral seeds sown by
my parents, which might have germinated and produced fruit, were
not watered or attended to; weeds had usurped their place, and were
occupying the ground which should have supported them; and at this
period, when the most assiduous cultivation was necessary to procure
a return, into what a situation was I thrown? In a ship crowded with
three hundred men, each of them, or nearly so, cohabiting with an
unfortunate female, in the lowest state of degradation; where oaths
and blasphemy interlarded every sentence; where religion was wholly
neglected, and the only honour paid to the Almighty was a clean shirt
on a Sunday; where implicit obedience to the will of an officer, was
considered of more importance than the observance of the Decalogue;
and the Commandments of God were in a manner abrogated by the Articles
of War--for the first might be broken with impunity, and even with
applause, while the most severe punishment awaited any infraction of
the latter.
So much for the ship in the aggregate; let us now survey the
midshipmen's berth. Here we found the same language and the same
manners, with scarcely one shade more of refinement. Their only
pursuits when on shore were intoxication and worse debauchery, to be
gloried in and boasted of when they returned on board. My captain
said that everything found its level in a man-of-war. True; but in
a midshipman's berth it was the level of a savage, where corporal
strength was the _sine qua non_, and decided whether you were to act
the part of a tyrant or a slave. The discipline of public schools, bad
and demoralizing as it is, was light, compared to the tyranny of a
midshipman's berth in 1802.
A mistaken notion has long prevailed, that boys derive advantages from
suffering under the tyranny of their oppressors at schools; and we
constantly hear the praises of public schools and midshipmen's berths
on this very account--namely, "that boys are taught to find their
level." I do not mean to deny but that the higher orders improve by
collision with their inferiors, and that a young aristocrat is often
brought to his senses by receiving a sound thrashing from the son of a
tradesman. But he that is brought up a slave, will be a tyrant when he
has the power; the worst of our passions are nourished to inflict the
same evil on others which we boast of having suffered ourselves. The
courage and daring spirit of a noble-minded boy is rather broken down
by ill-usage, which he has not the power to resist, or, surmounting
all this, he proudly imbibes a dogged spirit of sullen resistance and
implacable revenge, which become the bane of his future life.
The latter was my fate; and let not my readers be surprised or
shocked, if, in the course of these adventures, I should display some
of the fruits of that fatal seed, so early and so profusely sown in my
bosom. If, on my first coming into the ship, I shrank back with horror
at the sound of blasphemy and obscenity--if I shut my eyes to
the promiscuous intercourse of the sexes, it was not so long. By
insensible degrees, I became familiarised with vice, and callous
to its approach. In a few months I had become nearly as corrupt as
others. I might indeed have resisted longer; but though the fortress
of virtue could have held out against open violence, it could not
withstand the undermining of ridicule. My young companions, who, as I
have observed, had only preceded me six months in the service, were
already grown old in depravity; they laughed at my squeamishness,
called me "milksop" and "boarding-school miss," and soon made me as
bad as themselves. We had not quite attained the age of perpetration,
but we were fully prepared to meet it when it came.
I had not been two days on board, when the youngsters proposed a walk
into the main top. I mounted the rigging with perfect confidence, for
I was always a good climber; but I had not proceeded far, when I was
overtaken by the captain of the top and another man, who, without any
ceremony or preface, seized me by each arm, and very deliberately
lashed me fast in the rigging. They laughed at my remonstrance. I
asked what they meant, and the captain of the top said very civilly
taking off his hat at the same time, "that it was the way all gemmen
were sarved when they first went aloft; and I must pay my footing as a
bit of a parkazite." I looked down to the quarter-deck for assistance,
but every one there was laughing at me; and even the very little
rogues of midshipmen who had enticed me up were enjoying the joke.
Seeing this was the case, I only asked what was to pay. The captain of
the top said a seven shilling bit would be thought handsome. This I
promised to give, and was released on my own recognizances. When I
reached the quarter-deck I paid the money.
Having experienced nothing but cruelty and oppression since I had
been on board, I sorely repented of coming to sea; my only solace was
seeing Murphy, as he lay in his hammock, with his head bound up. This
was a balm to me. "I bide my time," said I; "I will yet be revenged on
all of you;" and so I was. I let none escape: I had them all in their
turns, and glutted my thirst for revenge.
I had been three weeks on board, when the ship was reported ready for
sea. I had acquired the favour of the first lieutenant by a constant
attention to the little duties he gave me to perform. I had been put
into a watch, and stationed in the fore-top, and quartered at the
foremast guns on the main deck. I was told by the youngsters that the
first lieutenant was a harsh officer, and implacable when once he
took a dislike; his manners, however, even when under the greatest
excitement, were always those of a perfect gentleman, and I continued
living on good terms with him. But with the second lieutenant I was
not so fortunate. He had ordered me to take the jolly-boat and bring
off a woman whom he kept; I remonstrated and refused, and from that
moment we never were friends.
Murphy had also recovered from his fall, and returned to his duty;
his malice towards me increased, and I had no peace or comfort in his
presence. One day he threw a biscuit at my head, calling me at the
same time a name which reflected on the legitimacy of my birth, in
language the most coarse and vulgar. In a moment all the admonitions
which I had received, and all my sufferings for impetuosity of temper,
were forgotten; the blood boiled in my veins, and trickled from my
wounded forehead. Dizzy, and almost sightless with rage, I seized a
brass candlestick, the bottom of which (to keep it steady at sea) was
loaded with lead, and threw it at him with all my might; had it taken
effect as I intended, that offence would have been his last. It missed
his head, and struck the black servant on the shoulder; the poor man
went howling to the surgeon, in whose care he remained for many days.
Murphy started up to take instant vengeance, but was held by the other
seniors of the mess, who unanimously declared that such an offence as
mine should be punished in a more solemn manner. A mock trial (without
adverting to the provocation I had received) found me guilty of
insubordination "to the oldsters," and setting a bad example to the
youngsters. I was sentenced to be _cobbed_ with a worsted stocking,
filled with wet sand. I was held down on my face on the mess-table
by four stout midshipmen; the surgeon's assistant held my wrist, to
ascertain if my pulse indicated exhaustion; while Murphy, at his own
particular request, became the executioner. Had it been any other but
him, I should have given vent to my agonizing pain by screams, but
like a sullen Ebo, I was resolved to endure even to death, rather than
gratify him by any expression of pain. After a most severe punishment,
a cold sweat and faintness alarmed the surgeon's assistant. I was then
released, but ordered to mess on my chest for a fortnight by myself.
As soon as I was able to stand, and had recovered my breath, I
declared in the most solemn manner, that a repetition of the offence
should produce the action for which I had suffered, and I would then
appeal to the captain for justice; "and," said I, turning to Murphy,
"it was I who cut down your hammock, and had very nearly knocked out
your brains. I did it in return for your cowardly attack on me; and
I will do it again, if I surfer martyrdom for it; for every act of
tyranny you commit I will have revenge. Try me now, and see if I am
not as good as my word." He grinned, and turned pale, but dared do no
more, for he was a coward.
I was ordered to quit the berth, which I did, and as I went out,
one of the mates observed, that I was "a proper malignant devil, by
G----."
This violent scene produced a sort of cessation from hostilities.
Murphy knew that he might expect a decanter at his head or a knife in
his side, if I was provoked; and that peace which I could not gain
from his compassion, I obtained from his fears. The affair made a
noise in the ship. With the officers in the gun-room I lost ground,
because it was misrepresented. With the men I gained favour, because
they hated Murphy. They saw the truth, and admired me for my
determined resistance.
Sent to Coventry by the officers, I sought the society of the men. I
learned rapidly the practical part of my duty, and profited by the
uncouth criticism of these rough warriors on the defective seamanship
of their superiors. A sort of compact was made between us: they
promised that whenever they deserted, it should not be from my boat
when on duty, and I promised to let them go and drink at public-houses
as long as I could spare them. In spite, however, of this mutual
understanding, two of them violated their faith the night before we
went to sea, and left the boat of which I had charge; and as I had
disobeyed orders in letting them go to a public-house, I was, on my
return to the ship, dismissed from the quarter-deck, and ordered to do
my duty in the fore-top.