He writ another paper, wherein he related at large, how by
unwatchfulness he came to fall, after having once obtained much victory
over the power of Satan, by the grace of God, when he daily walked
humbly in his fear, having for some years laboured faithfully in the
ministry of the gospel. But what is remarkable, though wherever he did
use to come, he went with great boldness through all opposition, yet
coming to the city of London, he entered it with the greatest fear
that ever he came into any place with, in spirit foreseeing, as he
relates, somewhat to befal him there, but not knowing what it might be:
‘Yet had I,’ (thus he saith,) ‘the same presence and power as before,
into whatever place or service I was led of the Spirit; in that life I
never returned without victory in Christ Jesus, the Lord thereof. But
not minding in all things to stand single and low to the motions of
that endless life, by it to be led in all things within and without;
but giving away to the reasoning part, as to some things which in
themselves had no seeming evil, by little and little it drew out my
mind after trifles, vanities, and persons, which took the affectionate
part, by which my mind was drawn out from the constant watch, and pure
fear, into which I once was begotten. Thus having in a great measure
lost my own guide, and darkness being come upon me, I sought a place
where I might have been alone to weep and cry before the Lord, that his
face I might find, and my condition recover. But then my adversary,
who had long waited his opportunity, had got in, and bestirred himself
every way, so that I could not be hid: and divers messages came to
me, some true, some false, as I have seen since. So I knowing some to
be true, to wit, how I had lost my condition, with this I let in the
false message also; and so letting go that little of the true light
which I had yet remaining in myself, I gave up myself wholly to be led
by others; whose work was then to divide me from the children of light,
which was done: though much was done by divers of them to prevent it,
and in bowels of tender love many laboured to have stayed me with them.
And after I was led out from them, the Lord God of my life sent divers
of his servants with his word after me, for my return; all which was
rejected; yea, the provocation of that time of temptation was exceeding
great against the pure love of God; yet he left me not; for after I had
given myself under that power, and darkness was above, my adversary
so prevailed, that all things were turned and perverted against my
right seeing, hearing, or understanding; only a secret hope and faith
I had in my God, whom I had served, that he would bring me through
it, and to the end of it, and that I should again see the day of my
redemption from under, it all; and this quieted my soul in my greatest
tribulation.’
The author, moreover, seriously exhorting others, who also might come
to fall into great temptation, concludes with these words:
‘He who hath saved my soul from death thus far, and hath lifted
my feet up out of the pit, even to him be immortal glory forever,
and let every troubled soul trust in him; for his mercy endureth
forever.