THE CROWNING ACT OF INFAMY.
"HEAR me to the end, Hopkins, I beseech you," said the exile earnestly.
"Of course the fiend strikes you as a being to be avoided, but I do not
believe that he is now as powerful and as terrible as he was in the days
gone by. Long confinement to a purely mortal sphere must necessarily
have weakened his supernatural powers, and it strikes me that properly
managed by a young and aggressive lawyer, our case against him would be
won in an instant. At all events, do not compel me to leave my story
unfinished. I am sure that when you hear of the crowning act of infamy
of which my evil genius was guilty, you will not hesitate a moment in
making up your mind that duty summons you to aid me."
"Very well," rejoined Hopkins. "Go on with the tale, only do not be too
sanguine as to its results in convincing me that I am the man to
extricate you from this horrid plight."
"After I had attended one or two meetings of the House of Commons," said
the exile, resuming the thread of his story, "I enjoyed the experience
so much that I almost forgave the fiend for having so nearly ruined me
with all my old friends; and having written, in accordance with his
promise, a truly beautiful letter to my mother, explaining away the
harsh treatment she had suffered at the hands of her now illustrious son
on the ground of his not being quite himself on that occasion--a state
of mind due to too close attention to work and study--I quite forgave
him for that unpleasant episode in my campaign. My mother too overlooked
the affront, and wrote me a most affectionate epistle, stating that I
might trample upon her most cherished ideals with her entire
acquiescence if my taking that course would ensure to her the receipt of
so loving and touching a letter as the one I had sent her. The fiend and
I both had to smile, on receiving my mother's note, to observe that the
dear old lady attributed my ability to express myself in such beautiful
terms to the poetic traits I had inherited from her.
"'She's very proud of her dear boy,' sneered the fiend.
"'In spite of his brutality at the committee-room,' I retorted; and then
we both grinned, for each truly believed that he had got the better of
the other."
"It was a pretty close contest," said Hopkins. "But on the whole the
laugh seems to be on you."
"It certainly was the first time I tried to speak in Parliament,"
returned the spirit. "Such a failure was never seen. I was to take part
in a very important debate, and when the hour came for me to get on my
feet and talk, I was my weak-kneed self and utterly unacquainted even
with the side I was expected to take. The fiend had promised to do all
the talking, and on this occasion failed to materialize. I spoke for ten
minutes in an incoherent fashion, mouthing my words so that no one could
understand a syllable that I uttered. It was a fearful disappointment to
my friends in the House and in the galleries; the latter being packed
when it was understood that I was to speak. Of course, when the fiend
appeared later on, he straightened it all out, and the printed speech
which he dictated and which I wrote was really a fine effort and did our
party much good. But these little embarrassments were tragedies to me,
and at every new success I quailed before the possibilities of
disastrous failure at the next effort. In but one respect was I entirely
free from the fiendish influence, and that was in the matter of my
love. From that phase of my life the fiend kept himself apart, and it
was the only joyous oasis to be found in the boundless desert of my
misery. To the fiend, Sunday was literally a day of rest, for upon that
day he never approached me, and I devoted it to calling upon the woman I
loved.
"She was a beautiful woman, the only daughter of a retired city
merchant, and fond of the admiration of successful men. That she loved
me before I attained to eminence in the various professions in which the
fiend had compelled me to dabble, I had much reason to believe; but I
had never ventured to make love to her in dead earnest, because I feared
for the result. She had often said to me that while she should never
marry for riches and position, she did not intend to fall in love with
any man just because he had neither, and that no man need ever propose
marriage to her who was not reasonably sure of a successful career. It
was not selfishness that led her to think and speak in this manner, but
a realizing sense of the unhappy fact that mediocrity married is as
hopeless as a broken-winded race-horse in harness. There is plenty of
ambition but no future, and as she often said, 'Where hopelessness
comes, happiness dwelleth not!'"
"A daughter of Solomon, I wot," interrupted Toppleton.
"Yes," said the spirit, with a sigh for her he had lost, "and rather
superior to the old gentleman in a great many ways. Of course I
understood, and, lacking achievement in my profession, discreetly held
my tongue on the subject of matrimony, taking good care, however, when I
called never to let any other fellow outstay me, unless perchance he was
some poor drivelling idiot from whose immediate present the laurel was
further removed than from my own. She understood me, I think, though I
never put that point to a practical test by a proposal of marriage. This
was the state of affairs at the time of my first meeting with the fiend,
and for a year subsequent to that ill-starred night upon which he first
crossed my path I let matters take their own course, waiting a
favourable opportunity to ask the great question, upon the answer to
which hung all my future happiness. I could see that with my increasing
fame, her interest in me waxed; but as every passing day brought new and
undreamed-of distinctions she grew more and more reserved toward me--a
most feminine trait that, Hopkins. When a woman begins to love a man in
dead earnest, in nine cases out of ten she will make him feel that he is
utterly abhorrent to her, and it's a good thing she does, because it
makes him look carefully into his own character in an endeavour to
discover and to root out all the undesirable features thereof. It is
this that enables love to redeem men whom the world considers
irredeemable, so, of course, I had no feeling of discouragement at her
growing coldness, for, understanding women, I knew exactly what it
meant. I think I was more or less of an enigma to her."
"I should think it likely," said Toppleton. "If she really knew you, she
must have been mightily surprised at your sudden strides towards
universal genius. It's a wonder to me that she did not suspect the
enigma, and give it up."
"Yes," returned the spirit. "It was very embarrassing to me when she
expressed her surprise at my progress, and asked me how I did it, and
other questions equally hard to answer. And then her father, who was
always more or less insufferable, now became absolutely insulting--that
is, his new found appreciation of my virtues led him into making
assertions which galled me, he little knew how much--assertions to the
effect that to look at me no one would suspect that I had more than
ordinary intelligence; that to hear me talk one would never suppose I
could make a speech of any kind, much less set the world on fire by my
eloquence; and finally, that no man after this could tell him that it
was possible to judge of the future by the past, or the past by the
present, for he had always thought me foredoomed to failure, and I had
achieved success, and, having achieved success, gave no present evidence
that I deserved it."
"He had the making of the accepted mother-in-law in him," said Hopkins.
"What could have induced you to fall in love with the daughter of a man
like that?"
"She was a superb woman, that's what," rejoined the spirit with
enthusiasm, "and when I think of the happiness that the Nile-green shade
first placed within my reach and then snatched from me, I regret that
the soul is immortal, and that I am not all-powerful, for it would
please me to grind his soul into absolute nothingness.
"It was at least a year and two months subsequent to my first meeting
with him," continued the spirit as soon as his overwrought feelings
would permit, "that he first broached the subject of matrimony. He had
attended a grand ball at the house of the Earl of Piccadilly and was the
lion of the occasion owing to his stand in certain recent Parliamentary
crises. His readiness in debate had gained him a high position, and his
natural grace of manner--that is, _my_ natural grace of manner--had
helped him to a hold on the affections of those with whom he was
associated, for, as he grew more accustomed to my figure and got his
angles comfortably rounded off to fit my curves, he managed to subdue
that horrible aspect he had assumed with such fearful effect in the
trial of Baskins _v._ Baskins, and when geniality was the attribute most
likely to help him on he was geniality personified. The ball was
ostensibly one of the Earl of Piccadilly's usual series of annual
functions, but in reality it was given for the purpose of introducing me
into society. From all accounts, it was a grand affair, and I seemed to
have made as fine an impression as a social debutant as I had in the law
courts, in the field of literature, and in the House of Commons. If the
fiend spoke truly that night, when he returned and handed my fatigued
body over to me for a rest, I made a marked success; all the ladies were
raving about me; I was a divine dancer, though before that night my feet
had never tripped to the strains of a waltz, polka, or any other
terpsichorean exercise. I pleased the dowagers as well as the maids, and
had, in short, become an eligible--that is I had become as desirable a
matrimonial _parti_ as an untitled person could hope to be, and the
fiend remarked with a sly wink that it was not beyond the range of
possibilities that the Premier would bestow upon me one of the peerages
at his disposal when the proper time came.
"'Bachelorhood is pardonable in a young man,' said my evil genius upon
this occasion, 'but we must marry if we are to reach the pinnacle of
success. There is a solidity about the married man's estate that
bachelorhood lacks, and I rather think I can make a match that will push
us ahead.'
"'I don't think I need your assistance,' I replied. 'In fact I prefer
that some of the things which pertain to myself shall be left entirely
in my own hands. In matters of the affections I can take care of
myself.'
"'Very well,' was the fiend's response. 'Have your own way about it,
only take my advice and get married. We need a wife.'
"'We?' I cried. 'We! I just want you to understand, my dear sir, that
the pronoun doesn't fit the case. _I_ may need a wife and _you_ may need
a wife, but if you think I'm going into any co-operative scheme with you
in that matter you are less omniscient than usual. Remember that please
and let us have nothing more to say on the subject.'"
"That was a very proper stand for you to take," said Hopkins, gravely.
"Though I think that, under the circumstances, you should have given up
all ideas of marriage. No woman would have you, knowing that you were
not yourself at times; and then having as little control over your other
self as you seem to have had, you would often have found yourself in hot
water for flirting with other women, when, in reality, your own self was
as innocent as a mountain daisy."
"I know I did wrong in thinking of marriage, Hopkins," returned the
spirit, "but if you had ever met the woman I loved, you would have loved
her too--yes, even if you were a confirmed celibate. I don't believe a
Cardinal, sir, would have hesitated between his hat and her. My sole
justification was her loveliness, and then the fiend's ready
acquiescence in my statement that in that matter he must hold aloof gave
me confidence that I might safely take the step I had so long and so
ardently desired to take.
"Weeks passed by, and in everything save the courtship of Miss
Hicksworthy-Johnstone I gave myself unreservedly over to the fiend, who
began suddenly to take an interest in my personal appearance which he
had never before manifested. He laid in a fine supply of clothes--dress
suits, walking suits, lounging suits--suits in fact of every description
and of the finest texture. Shirts and collars, and ties of the choicest
sort were imported by him from Paris, and on my hands I now observed he
was beginning to wear kid gloves of fashionable type. His hats and shoes
were distinctly in the mode, and his jewelry, as far as it went, was of
unexceptionable taste and quiet elegance. In fact, Toppleton, I began to
be something of a dandy. This I attributed to the natural vanity of my
other self. I, too, was proud of that graceful form, but I never thought
enough about it to go about arraying it in a fashion which neither
Solomon nor the lily of the field could ever have approached. I cared
nothing for gloves save as a means to a warm finger's end, and it made
no difference to me whether my hat was of the style of '48, or plucked
fresh from the French Emperor's own block. As long as my head was
covered I was satisfied. Patent leather shoes I could never bring myself
to buy, because they had always seemed to me to go hand in hand either
with poverty or laziness. To a man who cannot afford shoe blacking or
who is too lazy to black his own boots, patent leathers, I thought, were
a boon; but I never classed myself under either head, and wore the
regular foot gear of the plain but honest son of toil.
"But now all was changed. My other self was vain, and unexpectedly gave
himself over to dandyism. At first he rather disturbed my equanimity by
wearing somewhat loud patterns, but he soon got over that, and between
us, after a very little while, two or three months perhaps, my body had
the best clothes there were to be had in all London. I had not realized
all this time that I was fast becoming a millionaire, and when my
tailor's bill for fifteen hundred pounds came home one night I was in a
great stew, but the fiend came in and relieved my conscience very much
by showing me my balance in the bank. It amounted, Toppleton, to one
hundred and seventy-five thousand pounds, with an income still running
evenly along from my law practice of ten thousand pounds per annum, not
to mention the revenues from my books, which in six months had amounted
to two thousand pounds. I was a rich man, and when I observed that this
was my condition, I made up my mind to ask Miss Hicksworthy-Johnstone's
hand in marriage the very next time I saw her. I hoped this would be
soon, but, alas for human expectations, it was not. The Christmas
holidays were about to begin, and I bethought me that at the season of
goodwill toward men I might ask the possessor of my heart to accept it
as a permanent gift, a decision which I unfortunately kept to myself,
for from one end of the holidays to the other I never laid eyes upon my
mortal habitation. The fiend was off with it for one whole month,
Hopkins."
"Didn't you know where?" asked Toppleton.
"I did not," returned the spirit. "He went off with it as usual one
night late in November to attend a meeting of the leaders of our party,
telling me not to worry if he did not return for twenty-four hours,
since there was important business on hand. What the business was he did
not inform me, nor did I seek to know it, since under our arrangement it
was not necessary that I should familiarize myself with parliamentary
matters, which were usually as dry as they were weighty anyhow, and
hence distasteful to me.
"Well, I waited twenty-four hours and no fiend appeared. Another day
passed with no sign of him. A third day moved into the calendar of the
past; a week elapsed, then a second, a third, a fourth, and finally a
month had gone. I was growing sick with apprehension. What if something
dreadful had happened and my lovely, only body was lying dead somewhere,
too shattered for the fiend to remain longer within it, and gone for
ever from me? What if the present occupant of my corse had again yielded
to the seductive influence of the cup, and was off somewhere upon a
prolonged spree? I floated uneasily in and about my quarters here,
sleepless, worried to distraction. I searched my papers, as best I could
without hands, to see if there was not some clue as to my whereabouts
among them, and found none. I went through the contents of the waste
basket even, and found nothing to relieve my dreadful anxiety, and then
I went to the wardrobe to search the pockets of my clothes for possible
evidence to calm my agitated soul.
"Toppleton, there was not one vestige of a garment in that clothes press
from top to bottom. Not a shoe, not a coat, absolutely nothing. It was
bare even as Mother Hubbard's cupboard was bare. This was an additional
shock, and I became giddy with fear. I floated madly across to the
bureau and peered into the drawers thereof. Beyond the ties I had
formerly worn and the collars, frayed at the edges, of my negligee days,
nothing remained, and then for the first time I noticed that my trunk
was gone from the room.
"'What can it mean?' I asked myself, though I might as well have spared
the question, for it was one I could not answer. Days came and went,
leaving me still pondering. Christmas Eve came and found me here moping
in a cheerless apartment, friendless, forlorn, clothesless and
bodiless--a fine way to pass what should have been the happiest night of
the year."
"Elegant!" said Toppleton. "It might have been worse though. If you had
had your body and still been clothesless you would have found it rather
cold, I fancy."
"I had almost given up all hope of ever seeing myself again," continued
the exile, ignoring Hopkins' interruption, "when on the evening of
January second I heard a step coming along the hall which I at once
recognized as my own, my latch-key was inserted in the lock and the door
was opened, and at last I stood before myself again, the picture of
health and happiness.
"'Are you there?' my lips said with a broad smile, as my body entered
the room.
"'I am,' I replied shortly; 'and I've been here, Heaven knows how long,
worried sick to know what had become of you. I don't think you are the
most considerate fiend in the world to take me off for weeks without
letting me know anything of my whereabouts.'
"'I am very sorry,' said the fiend, throwing himself down on the lounge.
'I meant to have told you, but you were not here when I returned. Lord
Smitherton invited me out to his house at Snorley Farms for the
Christmas holidays along with the Earl of Pupley, General
Carlingberry-Jimpson, and a half-dozen members of the Birmingham Society
of Fine Arts. It was an invitation I could not well refuse, and,
besides, our carcass here was beginning to feel the need of an outing,
so I accepted. I came back here to tell you about it, but you must have
been floating about somewhere else. At all events, you are much better
for the outing, and your purely mortal self has had a good time. And, by
the way, I want to warn you about one point. When you are the occupant
of this corse, I think you would better not walk down Rotten Row, or go
anywhere in fact where I am accustomed to going, because you don't know
my friends any more than I know yours, and that is apt to lead to
misunderstanding. Lady Romaine Cushing, who was visiting Lady
Smitherton, told me that I had cut her dead in the Row one afternoon,
although she had stopped her carriage particularly to speak to me. It
was you who cut her, but, of course, you were not to blame, because you
never saw Lady Romaine Cushing; but it is hard to explain away little
matters of that sort, and I had the deuce of a time getting her to
believe that her eye must have deceived her. We can't afford to offend
our friends of the fair sex, you know; they can make or mar a man these
days.'
"'And I am to be kept away from the haunts of polite society,' I said,
with some natural indignation, 'just because it embarrasses _you_ to
explain why I don't bow to people I don't know.'
"'But it's all for your good,' he replied. 'You seem to forget that I am
actuated entirely by the best of motives.'
"'No doubt,' I said, 'but I think it's rather hard on me to be excluded
from the most attractive quarter of London.'
"'You are not excluded. You can walk there if you choose at night or
very early in the morning, or when Society is out of town, or, better
still, you can float there in your invisible state at anytime. In fact,'
added the fiend, 'it would be very enjoyable for you, I should think, to
do that last. You can poise yourself over a tree for instance, and watch
yourself hobnobbing with the illustrious. You can sit in your
invisibility in any one of the carriages that roll to and fro, and, as
long as you do not obtrude yourself on the occupants, there is not an
equipage in London, high or low, in which you cannot ride. You are
better off than I am in that respect. While I have no particular shape I
am visible like a bit of sea-fog, but you being invisible can go
anywhere without making trouble. The theatres are open to you free of
charge. The best seats are at your disposal. If you choose to do it you
could even sit on the throne of England, and nobody would be the wiser.'
"'That's all very well,' I said; 'but I don't care to travel about in
that impersonal fashion. I prefer the incarnate manner of doing things,
and if you will kindly permit me to assume bodily form once more, I'll
be very much obliged.'
"'Certainly!' he replied, and with that we changed places.
"The sensation of getting back to my accustomed figure once more was
delightful, and there was no denying the fact that I was better off for
the outing I had so unceremoniously taken. My step was elastic, my head
felt clear as a bell, and, altogether, I had never before enjoyed the
consciousness of so great a physical strength as now was mine.
"This feeling gave me courage to do many things which I had hitherto put
off, and among them was the making of a proposal of marriage to the
admired Miss Hicksworthy-Johnstone. It was seven o'clock when the fiend
had left me to the personal enjoyment of my complete self, and at eight
o'clock I was in a hansom cab speeding out to the dwelling-place of the
woman I loved. At eight thirty I was on my knees before her, and by
eleven o'clock I was her accepted suitor. Such happiness as was mine,
Hopkins, no man ever knew. The only trouble known to my soul at the
moment was the consciousness that Arabella, as I was now permitted to
call Miss Hicksworthy-Johnstone, was in the dark as to the methods by
which my greatness had been achieved. I could not confess my dreadful
secret to her, for that would have put an end entirely to our relations,
and I loved her so that I could not bring myself to give her up. She
asked me numberless questions of a most embarrassing sort, as if she
suspected there was something wrong, but I managed in some way, I know
not how, to give a plausible answer to every one of them."
"Possibly the fiend left a little of his brain in your head when he got
out," suggested Toppleton.
"Perhaps so," returned the exile. "However it was, I managed to make out
a satisfactory case for myself, and at the close of a cross-examination
such as no man ever went through before, lasting two and a half hours,
Arabella threw herself into my arms and called me by my first name. She
was mine, and all the world seemed bright.
"I walked home," continued the spirit, "and in a condition of ecstasy
that almost compensates for all I have suffered since. My feet seemed
hardly to touch the ground, and I whistled from the time I left Arabella
until I entered my room here,--a reprehensible habit, perhaps, but one
which had always been my method of expressing satisfaction with the
world. As I entered this room I was brought down from my ecstatic
heights to an appreciation of my actual state, for the first thing to
greet my eyes was the fiend, greener than ever, sitting by the fire
ruminating apparently, for it was at least five minutes before he took
note of my presence, although I addressed him politely as soon as I saw
him.
"'Hallo,' he said finally. 'Where have you been?'
"The question was as unexpected as it was natural, and I was unprepared
for it, so I made no reply, covering my silence by taking off my shoes
and preparing for bed.
"'Where have you been?' he asked again, this time in a tone so
peremptory that I decided in an instant not to tell him.
"'Out,' I answered. 'Where have you?'
"At this he laughed.
"'Don't be impudent,' he said. 'I do not wish to pry into your affairs.
I only wanted to know where you had been because I am interested in
you, and I want to help you to avoid pitfalls.'
"'That's all right,' I responded graciously. 'I appreciate your
kindness, but you need not be interested in where I have been to-night,
because I have been engaged in a little matter that concerns you not at
all.'
"'Very well,' he replied, turning once more to the fire. 'I'll take your
word for it; only you and I must be perfectly candid with each other, or
complications may arise, that's all. By the way, I'll have to borrow you
again to-morrow morning. There are a half-dozen members of Parliament
coming here to discuss certain matters of state, and you would be
somewhat embarrassed if you undertook to meet them.'
"'That suits me,' I said, happy enough to acquiesce in anything. 'Only
I'll want to get back here to-morrow evening. I have an engagement.'
"The fiend eyed me narrowly for a moment, and I winced beneath his gaze.
"'All right,' he said, 'you can get back, but this Parliamentary
business is very important, and I _must_ have the semblance of a mortal
being every morning this week.'
"'That can be arranged,' I replied. Arabella could have my evenings,
and he could have my mornings. That was fair enough, I thought, and so
it happened. Every night for a week I spent in the company of my
_fiancee_,--whose name, by the way, I never mentioned in the fiend's
presence--and every morning for the same period he was in charge,
conducting negotiations which only served to make me more famous.
"Finally the dreadful morning came. It was Saturday, and the fiend and I
were sitting together in my quarters. We had just changed places. I was
in my present disembodied state, and the fiend had taken possession for
the day, when there was heard in the corridor a quick nervous step which
stopped as he who directed it came to my door, and a voice, which to my
consternation I recognized at once as that of Arabella's father
following close upon a resounding knock, cried out,--
"'This is the place. This is the kennel in which the hound lives. Open
the door!'
"There was not time for the fiend and me to change places. Indeed, I had
hardly recognized the old gentleman's voice, when the fiend in answer to
his demand opened the door.
"A madder man than my prospective father-in-law appeared to be I never
saw, Hopkins," said the spirit, his voice trembling with emotion. "He
was livid, and when the door opened, and he saw the man he supposed to
be me standing before him showing absolutely no signs of recognition, he
fairly foamed at the mouth.
"'How do you do, sir?' said the fiend, polite as Chesterfield.
"'Don't speak to me, you puppy,' roared the old gentleman. 'Don't you
dare to address me until I address you.'
"'This is most extraordinary,' said the fiend, seemingly nonplussed at
Mr. Hicksworthy-Johnstone's inexplicable wrath; for he could understand
it no better than I, and to me it was absolutely incomprehensible, for I
was not aware of anything that I had done that could possibly give rise
to so violent an ebullition of rage. 'I am at a loss, sir, to understand
why you enter the office of a gentleman in a fashion so unbecoming to
one of your years; you must have made some mistake.'
"'Mistake!' shrieked Arabella's father. 'Mistake, you snivelling
hypocrite? What mistake can there be? Do you see that note in this
week's _Vanity Fair_, you vile deceiver? Do you see me? Do you see
anything?'
"'I see you,' replied the fiend calmly, 'and I wish I didn't.'
"'I'll go bond you wish you didn't,' howled the enraged visitor. 'And
when I get through with you you'll wish I hadn't brought this oak stick
along with me. Now I want to know what explanation you have to make of
that paragraph in the paper.'
"'I cannot explain what I have not read,' returned the fiend. 'Nor shall
I attempt to read what you wish to have explained until I know who you
are, and what possible right you can have to demand an explanation of
anything from me. What are you, anyhow, a retired maniac or simply an
active imbecile?'
"As the fiend spoke these words," said the spirit, "I tried to arrest
him; but he was so angry that he either could not or would not hear my
whispered injunction that he be silent. As for the old gentleman, he sat
gasping in his chair, glaring at my poor self, a perfect picture of
apoplectic delirium. The fiend returned the glare unflinchingly.
"'Well!' gasped Mr. Hicksworthy-Johnstone after a minute's steady
glance, 'if you aren't the coolest hand in Christendom. Who am I, eh?
What am I here for, eh? What's my name, eh? What claim have I on you,
eh? Young man, you are the most consummate Lothario on the footstool.
You are a Don Juan with the hide of a rhinoceros and the calmness of a
snow-clad Alp, but I can just tell you one thing. You can't trifle with
Arabella!'
"And then, Hopkins, that infernal fiend looked my father-in law elect
square in the eye and asked,--
"'Who the devil is Arabella?'
"As the words fell from my lips, the old gentleman with an oath started
from his chair, and grasping the inkstand from the table, hurled it with
all his force at my waistcoat, which received it with breathless
surprise; and then, Toppleton, it breaks my heart to say it, but my
foot--the foot of him who loved Arabella to distraction,--was lifted
against her father, and the man to whom he had promised his daughter's
hand, appeared to kick him forcibly, despite his grey hairs, out into
and along the corridor to the head of the stairs. Then, as I watched,
the two men grappled and went crashing down the stairs, head over heels
together.
"Sick with fear and mortification, I flew back into the room, where,
lying upon the floor, I saw the copy of _Vanity Fair_ that Mr.
Hicksworthy-Johnstone had brought, and marked with blue pencil upon the
page before me was printed the announcement of the engagement of myself
to Ariadne Maude, second daughter of John Edward Fackleton, Earl of
Pupley, of Castle Marrowfat, Sauceton Downs, Worcestershire."