A few days ago I left the house with the manuscript of this book, to
which I have given the name of _Youth and Egolatry_, on my way to
the post office.
It was a romantic September morning, swathed in thick, white mist. A
blue haze of thin smoke rose upward from the shadowy houses of the
neighbouring settlement, vanishing in the mist. Meanwhile, the birds
were singing, and a rivulet close by murmured in the stillness.
Under the influence of the homely, placid country air, I felt my spirit
soften and grow more humble, and I began to think that the manuscript
which I carried in my hand was nothing more than a farrago of
foolishness and vulgarity.
The voice of prudence, which was also that of cowardice, cautioned me:
"What is the good of publishing this? Will it bring you reputation?"
"Certainly not."
"Have you anything to gain by it?"
"Probably not either."
"Then, why irritate and offend this one and that by saying things which,
after all, are nobody's business?"
To the voice of prudence, however, my habitual self replied:
"But what you have written is sincere, is it not? What do you care,
then, what they think about it?"
But the voice of prudence continued:
"How quiet everything is about you, how peaceful! This is life, after
all, and the rest is madness, vanity and vain endeavour."
There was a moment when I was upon the point of tossing my manuscript
into the air, and I believe I should have done so, could I have been
sure that it would have dematerialized itself immediately like smoke; or
I would have thrown it into the river, if I had felt certain that the
current would have swept it out to sea.
* * * * *
This afternoon I went to San Sebastian to buy paper and salicylate of
soda, which is less agreeable.
A number of public guards were riding together in the car on the way
over, along the frontier. They were discussing bull fighters, El Gallo
and Belmonte, and also the disorders of the past few days.
"Too bad that Maura and La Cierva are not in power," said one of them,
who was from Murcia, smiling and exhibiting his decayed teeth. "They
would have made short work of this."
"They are in reserve for the finish," said another, with, the solemnity
of a pious scamp.
Returning from San Sebastian, I happened on a family from Madrid in the
same car. The father was weak, jaundiced and sour-visaged; the mother
was a fat brunette, with black eyes, who was loaded down with jewels,
while her face was made up until it was brilliant white, in colour like
a stearin candle. A rather good looking daughter of between fifteen and
twenty was escorted by a lieutenant who apparently was engaged to her.
Finally, there was another girl, between twelve and fourteen, flaccid
and lively as a still-life on a dinner table. Suddenly the father, who
was reading a newspaper, exclaimed:
"Nothing is going to be done, I can see that; they are already applying
to have the revolutionists pardoned. The Government will do nothing."
"I wish they would kill every one of them," broke in the girl who was
engaged to the lieutenant. "Think of it! Firing on soldiers! They are
bandits."
"Yes, and with such a king as we have!" exclaimed the fat lady, with the
paraffine hue, in a mournful tone. "It has ruined our summer. I wish
they would shoot every one of them."
"And they are not the only ones," interrupted the father. "The men who
are behind them, the writers and leaders, hide themselves, and then they
throw the first stones."
Upon entering the house, I found that the final proofs of my book had
just arrived from the printer, and sat down to read them.
The words of that family from Madrid still rang in my ears: "I wish they
would kill every one of them!"
However one may feel, I thought to myself, it is impossible not to hate
such people. Such people are natural enemies. It is inevitable.
Now, reading over the proofs of my book, it seems to me that it is not
strident enough. I could wish it were more violent, more anti-middle
class.
I no longer hear the voice of prudence seducing me, as it did a few days
since, to a palinode in complicity with a romantic morning of white
mist.
The zest of combat, of adventure stirs in me again. The sheltered
harbour seems a poor refuge in my eyes,--tranquillity and security
appear contemptible.
"Here, boy, up, and throw out the sail! Run the red flag of revolution
to the masthead of our frail craft, and forth to sea!"
Itzea, September, 1917.