COMING IN ON THE DRAW
Nothin' like bein' a handy man around the shop. Here at the Corrugated
I'm worked in for almost any old thing, from seein' that Mr. Ellins
takes his gout tablets regular, to arrangin' the directors' room for
the annual meeting and when it comes to subbin' for Mr. Robert--say,
what do you guess is the latest act he bills me for? Art expert! Yep,
A-r-t, with a big A!
Sounds foolish, don't it? But at that it wa'n't such a bad hunch on
his part. He's a rash promiser, Mr. Robert is; but a shifty
proposition when you try to push a programme on him, for the first
thing you know he's slid from under. I suspicioned some play like that
was comin' here the other afternoon when Sister Marjorie shows up at
the general offices and asks pouty, "Where's Robert?"
"On the job," says I. "Session of the general sales agents today, you
know."
"But he was to meet me at the Broadway entrance half an hour ago," says
she, "and I've been sitting in the car waiting for him. Call him out,
won't you, Torchy?"
"Won't do any good," says I. "He's booked up for the rest of the day."
"The idea!" says Marjorie. "And he promised faithfully he would go up
with me to see those pictures! You just tell him I'm here, that's all."
There's more or less light of battle in them bright brown eyes of
Marjorie's, and that Ellins chin of hers is set some solid. So when I
tiptoes in where they're dividin' the map of the world into sellin'
areas, and whispers in Mr. Robert's ear that Sister Marjorie is waitin'
outside, I adds a word of warnin'.
"It's a case of pictures, you remember," says I.
"Oh, the deuce!" says Mr. Robert. "Hang Brooks Bladen and his
paintings! I can't go, positively. Just explain, will you, Torchy?"
"Sure; but I'd go hoarse over it," says I. "You know Marjorie, and if
you don't want the meetin' broke up I expect you'd better come out and
face the music."
"Oh, well, then I suppose I must," says he, leadin' the way.
And Marjorie wa'n't in the mood to stand for any smooth excuses. She
didn't care if he had forgotten, and she guessed his old business
affairs could be put off an hour or so. Besides, this meant so much to
poor Brooks. His very first exhibit, too. Ferdy couldn't go, either.
Another one of his sick headaches. But he had promised to buy a
picture, and Marjorie had hoped that Robert would like one of them well
enough to----
"Oh, if that's all," puts in Mr. Robert, "then tell him I'll take one,
too."
"But you can't buy pictures without seeing them," protests Marjorie.
"Brooks is too sensitive. He wants appreciation, encouragement, you
see."
"A lot I could give him," says Mr. Robert. "Why, I know no more about
that sort of thing than--well, than----" And just here his eye lights
on me. "Oh, I say, though," he goes on, "it would be all right,
wouldn't it, if I sent a--er--a commissioner?"
"I suppose that would do," says Marjorie.
"Good!" says Mr. Robert. "Torchy, go with Marjorie and look at that
lot. If they're any good, buy one for me."
"Wha-a-at!" says I. "Me buy a picture?"
"Full power," says he, startin' back towards the meetin'. "Pick out
the best, and tell Bladen to send me the bill."
And there we're left, Marjorie and me, lookin' foolish at each other.
"Well, he's done a duck," says I.
"If you mean he's got himself out of buying a picture, you're
mistaken," says she. "Come along."
She insists on callin' the bluff, too. Course, I tries to show her,
all the way up in the limousine, how punk a performer I'd be at a game
like that, and how they'd spot me for a bush leaguer the first stab I
made.
"Not at all," says Marjorie, "if you do as I tell you."
With that she proceeds to coach me in the art critic business. The
lines wa'n't hard to get, anyway.
"For some of them," she goes on, "you merely go 'Um-m-m!' under your
breath, you know, or 'Ah-h-h-h!' to yourself. Then when I give you a
nudge you may exclaim, 'Fine feeling!' or 'Very daring!' or 'Wonderful
technic, wonderful!'"
"Yes; but when must I say which?" says I.
"It doesn't matter in the least," says Marjorie.
"And you think just them few remarks," says I, "will pull me through."
"Enough for an entire exhibit at the National Academy," says she. "And
when you decide which you like best, just point it out to Mr. Bladen."
"Gee!" says I. "Suppose I pick a lemon?"
"Robert won't know the difference," says she, "and it will serve him
right. Besides, poor Brooks needs the encouragement."
"Kind of a dub beginner with no backing is he?" says I.
Marjorie describes him different. Accordin' to her, he's a classy
comer in the art line, with all kinds of talent up his sleeve and Fame
busy just around the corner on a laurel wreath exactly his size. Seems
Brooks was from a good fam'ly that had dropped their bundle somewhere
along the road; so this art racket that he'd taken up as a time killer
he'd had to turn into a steady job. He wa'n't paintin' just to keep
his brushes soft. He was out to win the kale.
Between the lines I gathers enough to guess that before she hooked up
with Ferdy, the head-achy one, Marjorie had been some mushy over Brooks
boy herself. He'd done a full length of her, it appears, and was
workin' up quite a portrait trade, when all of a sudden he ups and
marries someone else, a rank outsider.
"Too bad!" sighs Marjorie. "It has sadly interfered with his career,
I'm afraid."
"Ain't drivin' him to sign work, is it?" says I.
"Goodness, no!" says Marjorie. "Just the opposite. Of course, Edith
was a poor girl; but her Uncle Jeff is ever so rich. They live with
him, you know. That's the trouble--Uncle Jeff."
She's a little vague about this Uncle Jeff business; but it helps
explain why we roll up to a perfectly good marble front detached house
just off Riverside Drive, instead of stoppin' at one of them studio
rookeries over on Columbus-ave. And even I'm wise to the fact that
strugglin' young artists don't have a butler on the door unless there's
something like an Uncle Jeff in the fam'ly.
From the dozen or more cars and taxis hung up along the block I judge
this must be a regular card affair, with tea and sandwich trimmin's.
It's a good guess. A maid tows us up two flights, though, before we're
asked to shed anything; and before we lands Marjorie is gaspin' some,
for she ain't lost any weight since she collected Ferdy. Quite a
studio effect they'd made too, by throwin' a couple of servants' rooms
into one and addin' a big skylight. There was the regulation fishnet
draped around, and some pieces of tin armor and plaster casts, which
proves as well as a court affidavit that here's where the real,
sure-fire skookum creative genius holds forth.
It's a giddy bunch of lady gushers that's got together there too, and
the soulful chatter is bein' put over so fast it sounds like
intermission at a cabaret show. I'm introduced proper to Brooks boy
and Wifey; but I'd picked 'em both out at first glimpse. No mistakin'
him. He's got on the kind of costume that goes with the fishnet and
brass tea machine,--flowin' tie, velvet coat, baggy trousers, and all,
even to the Vandyke beard. It's kind of a pale, mud-colored set of
face alfalfa; but, then, Brooks boy is sort of that kind himself--that
is, all but his eyes. They're a wide-set, dreamy, baby-blue pair of
lamps, that beams mild and good-natured on everyone.
But Mrs. Brooks Bladen is got up even more arty than Hubby. Maybe it
wa'n't sugar sackin' or furniture burlap, but that's what the stuff
looked like. It's gathered jaunty just under her armpits and hangs in
long folds to the floor, with a thick rope of yellow silk knotted
careless at one side with the tassels danglin' below her knee, while
around her head is a band of tinsel decoration that might have been
pinched off from a Christmas tree. She's a tall, willowy young woman,
who waves her bare arms around vivacious when she talks and has lots of
sparkle to her eyes.
"You dear child!" is her greetin' to Marjorie. "So sweet of you to
attempt all those dreadful stairs! No, don't try to talk yet. We
understand, don't we, Brooks? Nice you're not sensitive about it, too."
I caught the glare Marjorie shoots over, and for a minute I figured how
the picture buyin' deal had been queered at the start; but the next
thing I knew Brooks boy is holdin' Marjorie's hand and beamin' gentle
on her, and she is showin' all her dimples once more. Say, they're
worth watchin', some of these fluff encounters.
My act? Ah, say, most of that good dope is all wasted. Nobody seems
excited over the fact that I've arrived, even Brooks Bladen. As a
salesman he ain't a great success, I judge. Don't tout up his stuff
any, or try to shove off any seconds or shopworn pieces. He just tells
me to look around, and half apologizes for his line in advance.
Well, for real hand-painted stuff it was kind of tame. None of this
snowy-mountain-peak or mirror-lake business, such as you see in the
department stores. It's just North River scenes; some clear, some
smoky, some lookin' up, some lookin' down, and some just across. In
one he'd done a Port Lee ferryboat pretty fair; but there's another
that strikes me harder. It shows a curve in the drive, with one of
them green motor busses goin' by, the top loaded, and off in the
background to one side the Palisades loomin' up against a fair-weather
sunset, while in the middle you can see clear up to Yonkers. Honest,
it's almost as good as some of them things on the insurance calendars,
and I'm standin' gawpin' at it when Brooks Bladen and Marjorie drifts
along.
"Well?" says he, sort of inquirin'.
"That must be one of the Albany night boats goin' up," says I. "She'll
be turnin' her lights on pretty quick. And it's goin' to be a corkin'
evenin' for a river trip. You can tell that by----"
But just here Marjorie gives me a jab with her elbow.
"Ow, yes!" says I, rememberin' my lines. "Um-m-m-m-m! Fine feelin'.
Very darin' too, very! And when it comes to the tech stuff--why, it's
there in clusters. Much obliged--er--that is, I guess you can send
this one. Mr. Robert Ellins. That's right. Charge and send."
Maybe he wasn't used to makin' such quick sales; for he stares at me
sort of puzzled, and when I turns to Marjorie she's all pinked up like
a strawberry sundae and is smotherin' a giggle with her mesh purse. I
don't know why, either. Strikes me I'd put it over kind of smooth; but
as there seems to be a slip somewhere it's me for the rapid back-away.
"Thanks, that'll be all to-day," I goes on, "and--and I'll be waitin'
downstairs, Marjorie."
She don't stop me; so I pushes through the mob at the tea table,
collects my coat and lid, and slips down to the first floor, where I
wanders into the drawin' room. No arty decorations here. Instead of
pictures and plaster casts, the walls are hung with all kinds of
mounted heads and horns, and the floor is covered with odd-lookin' skin
rugs,--tigers, lions, and such.
I'd been waitin' there sometime, inspectin' the still life menagerie,
when all of a sudden in from the hall rolls one of these invalid
wheeled chairs with a funny little old bald-headed gent manipulatin'
levers. What hair he has left is real white, and most of his face is
covered with a thin growth of close-cropped white whiskers; but under
the frosty shrubb'ry, as well as over all the bare space, he's colored
up as bright as a bottle of maraschino cherries. It's the sort of
sunburn a sandy complexion gets on; but not in a month or a year. You
know? One of these blond Eskimo tints, that seems to go clear through
the skin. How he could get it in a wheel chair, though, I couldn't
figure out. Anyway, there wasn't time. Quick as he sees me he throws
in his reverse gear and comes to a stop between the portières.
"Well, young man," he raps out sharp and snappy, "who the particular
blazes are you?"
But, say, I've met too many peevish old parties to let a little jab
like that tie up my tongue.
"Me?" says I, settin' back easy in the armchair. "Oh, I'm a buyer
representin' a private collector."
"Buyer of what?" says he.
"Art," says I. "Just picked up a small lot,--that one with the Albany
night boat in it, you know."
He stares like he thought I was batty, and then rolls his chair over
closer. "Do I understand," says he, "that you have been buying a
picture--here?"
"Sure," says I. "Say, ain't you on yet, and you right in the house?
Well, you ought to get next."
"I mean to," says he. "Bladen's stuff, I suppose?"
"Uh-huh," says I. "And, believe me, Brooksy is some paint slinger;
that is, fine feelin', darin' technic, all that sort of dope."
"I see," says he, noddin' his head. "Holding a sale, is he? On one of
the upper floors?"
"Top," says I. "Quite a classy little studio joint he's made up there."
"Oh, he has, has he?" says the old boy, snappin' his eyes. "Well, of
all the confounded--er--young man, ring that bell!"
Say, how was I goin' to know? I was beginnin' to suspect that this
chatty streak of mine wa'n't goin' to turn out lucky for someone; but
it's gone too far to hedge. I pushes the button, and in comes the
butler.
"Tupper," says the old man, glarin' at him shrewd, "you know where the
top-floor studio is, don't you?"
"Ye-e-es, Sir," says Tapper, almost chokin' over it.
"You'll find Mr. and Mrs. Bladen there," goes on old Grouchy. "Ask
them to step down here for a moment at once."
Listened sort of mussy from where I sat, and I wa'n't findin' the
armchair quite so comf'table. "Guess I'll be loafin' along," says I,
casual.
"You'll stay just where you are for the present!" says he, wheelin'
himself across the door-way.
"Oh, well, if you insist," says I.
He did. And for two minutes there I listens to the clock tick and
watches the old sport's white whiskers grow bristly. Then comes the
Bladens. He waves 'em to a parade rest opposite me.
"What is it, Uncle Jeff?" says Mrs. Bladen, sort of anxious. And with
that I begins to piece out the puzzle. This was Uncle Jeff, eh, the
one with the bank account?
"So," he explodes, like openin' a bottle of root beer, "you've gone
back to your paint daubing, have you? And you're actually trying to
sell your namby-pamby stuff on my top floor? Come now, Edith, let's
hear you squirm out of that!"
Considerable fussed, Edith is. No wonder! After one glance at me she
flushes up and begins twistin' the yellow silk cord nervous; but
nothin' in the way of a not guilty plea seems to occur to her. As for
Hubby, he blinks them mild eyes of his a couple of times, and then
stands there placid with both hands in the pockets of his velvet coat,
showin' no deep emotion at all.
"It's so, isn't it?" demands Uncle.
"Ye-e-es, Uncle Jeff," admits Edith. "But poor Brooks could do nothing
else, you know. If he'd taken a studio outside, you would have wanted
to know where he was. And those rooms were not in use. Really, what
else could he do?"
"Mean to tell me he couldn't get along without puttering around with
those fool paints and brushes?" snorts Uncle Jeff.
"It--it's his life work, Uncle Jeff," says Mrs. Bladen.
"Rubbish!" says the old boy. "In the first place, it isn't work.
Might be for a woman, maybe, but not for an able-bodied man. You know
my sentiments on that point well enough. In the second place, when I
asked you two to come and live with me, there was no longer any need
for him to do that sort of thing. And you understood that too."
Edith sighs and nods her head.
"But still he goes on with his sissy paint daubing!" says Uncle.
"They're not daubs!" flashes back Edith. "Brooks has been doing some
perfectly splendid work. Everyone says so."
"Humph!" says Uncle Jeff. "That's what your silly friends tell you.
But it doesn't matter. I won't have him doing it in my house. You
thought, just because I was crippled and couldn't get around or out of
these confounded four rooms, that you could fool me. But you can't,
you see. And now I'm going to give you and Brooks your choice,--either
he stops painting, or out you both go. Now which will it be?"
"Why, Sir," says Brooks, speakin' up prompt but pleasant, "if that is
the way you feel about it, we shall go."
"Eh?" says Uncle Jeff, squintin' hard at him. "Do you mean it? Want
to leave all this for--for the one mean little room I found you in!"
"Under your conditions, most certainly, Sir," says Brooks. "I think
Edith feels as I do. Don't you, Edith?"
"Ye-e-es, of course," says Mrs. Bladen. Then, turnin' on Uncle Jeff,
"Only I think you are a mean, hard-hearted old man, even if you are my
uncle! Oh, you don't know how often I've wanted to tell you so
too,--always prying into this, asking questions about that, finding
fault, forever cross and snappish and suspicious. A waspish, crabbed
old wretch, that's what you are! I just hate you! So there!"
Uncle Jeff winces a little at these last jabs; but he only turns to
Brooks and asks quiet, "And I suppose those are your sentiments too?"
"Edith is a little overwrought," says Brooks. "It's true enough that
you're not quite an agreeable person to live with. Still, I hardly
feel that I have treated you just right in this matter. I shouldn't
have deceived you about the studio. When I found that I couldn't bear
to give up my work and live like a loafer on your money, I should have
told you so outright. I haven't liked it, Sir, all this dodging and
twisting of the truth. I'm glad it's over. Would you prefer to have
us go tonight or in the morning?"
"Come now, that's not the point," says Uncle Jeff. "You hate me, too,
don't you?"
"No," says Brooks, "and I'm sure Edith doesn't either."
"Yes I do, Brooks," breaks in Edith.
Brooks shrugs his shoulders sort of hopeless.
"In that case," says he, "we shall leave at once--now. I will send
around for our traps later. You have been very generous, and I'm
afraid I've shown myself up for an ungrateful ass, if not worse.
Goodby, Sir."
He stands there holdin' out his hand, with the old gent starin' hard at
him and not movin'. Fin'lly Uncle Jeff breaks the spell.
"Well, I'll be hanged!" says he. "Bladen, I didn't think it was in
you. I took you for one of the milksop kind; which shows just how big
a fool an old fool can be. And Edith is right. I'm a crazy,
quarrelsome old wretch. It isn't all rheumatism, either. Some of it
is disposition. And don't you go away thinking I've been generous,
trying to tie you two young people down this way. It was rank
selfishness. But you don't know how hard it comes, being shut up like
this and able only to move around on wheels--after the life I've led
too! I suppose I ought to be satisfied. I've had my share--nearly
thirty years on the go, in jungle, forest, mountains, all over the
globe. I've hunted big game in every--but you know all about that.
And now I suppose I'm worn out, useless. I was trying to get used to
it, and having you young folks around has helped a lot. But it hasn't
been fair to you--not fair."
He sort of chokes up at the end, and his lower lip trembles some; but
only for a second. He straightens up once more in his chair. "You
must try to make allowances, Edith," he goes on. "Don't--don't hate
the old wretch too hard!"
That got to her, all right. She' wa'n't gush all the way through, any
more'n Uncle Jeff was all crust. Next thing he knew she was givin' him
the fond tackle and sobbin' against his vest.
"There, there!" says he, pattin' her soothin'. "We all make our
mistakes, old and young; only us old fellows ought to know better."
"But--but they aren't daubs!" sobs out Edith. "And--and you said they
were, without even seeing them."
"Just like me," says he. "And I'm no judge, anyway. But perhaps I'd
better take a look at some of them. How would that be, eh? Couldn't
Tupper bring a couple of them down now?"
"Oh, may he?" says Edith, brightenin' up and turnin' off the sprayer.
"I have wished that you could see them, you know."
So Tupper is sent for a couple of paintings, and Brooks chases along to
bring down two more. They ranges 'em on chairs, and wheels Uncle Jeff
into a good position. He squints at 'em earnest and tries hard to work
up some enthusiasm.
"Ferryboats, sugar refineries, and the North River," says he. "All
looks natural enough. I suppose they're well done too; but--but see
here, young man, couldn't you find anything better to paint?"
"Where?" says Brooks. "You see, I was able to get out only
occasionally without----"
"I see," says Uncle Jeff. "Tied to a cranky old man in a wheel chair.
But, by George! I could take you to places worth wasting your paint
on. Ever heard of Yangarook? There's a pink mountain there that rises
up out of a lake, and on still mornings--well, you ought to see it! I
pitched my camp there once for a fortnight. I could find it again.
You go in from Boola Bay, up the Zambesi, and through the jungle. Then
there's the Khula Klaht valley. That's in the Himalayas. Pictures?
Why, you could get 'em there!"
"I've no doubt I could, Sir," says Brooks. "I've dreamed of doing
something like that some day, too. But what's the use?"
"Eh?" says Uncle Jeff, almost standin' up in his excitement. "Why not,
my boy? I could take you there, chair or no chair. Didn't I go in a
litter once, halfway across Africa, when a clumsy Zulu beater let a
dying rhino gore me in the hip? Yes, and bossed a caravan of sixty
men, and me flat on my back! I'm better able to move now than I was
then, too. And I'm ready to try it. Another year of this, and I'd be
under the ground. I'm sick of being cooped up. I'm hungry for a
breath of mountain air, for a glimpse of the old trails. No use taking
my guns; but you could lug along your painting kit, and Edith could
take care of both of us. We could start within a week. What do you
say, you two?"
Brooks he looks over at Edith. "Oh, Uncle Jeff!" says she, her eyes
sparklin'. "I should just love it!"
"I could ask for nothing better," says Brooks.
"Then it's settled," says Uncle Jeff, reachin' out a hand to each of
'em. "Hurrah for the long trail! We're off!"
"Me too," says I, "if that's all."
"Ah!" says Uncle Jeff. "Our young friend who's at the bottom of the
whole of this. Here, Sir! I'm going to teach you a lesson that will
make you cautious about gossiping with strange old men. Pick up that
leopard skin at your feet."
"Yes, Sir," says I, holdin' it out to him.
"No, examine it carefully," says he. "That came from a beast I shot on
the shores of Lake Tanganyika. It's the finest specimen of the kind in
my whole collection. Throw it over your arm, you young scamp, and get
along with you!"
And they're all grinnin' amiable as I backs out with my mouth open.
"What the deuce!" says Mr. Robert after lunch next day, as he gazes
first at a big package a special messenger has just left, and then at a
note which comes with it. "'The Palisades at Dusk'--five hundred
dollars?"
"Gee!" I gasps. "Did he sting you that hard?"
"But it's receipted," says he, "with the compliments of Brooks Bladen.
What does that mean?"
"Means I'm some buyer, I guess," says I. "Souvenir of a little fam'ly
reunion I started, that's all. But you ain't the only one. Wait till
you see what I drew from Uncle Jeff."