GLOOM SHUNTING FOR THE BOSS
Trouble? Say, it was comin' seven diff'rent ways there for
awhile,--our stocks on the slump, a quarterly bein' passed, Congress
actin' up, a lot of gloom rumors floatin' around about what was goin'
to happen to the tariff on steel, and the I Won't Workers pullin' off a
big strike at one of our busiest plants. But all these things was side
issues compared to this scrap that develops between Old Hickory and
Peter K. Groff.
Maybe you don't know about Peter K.? Well, he's the Mesaba agent of
Corrugated affairs, the big noise at the dirt end of the dividends.
It's Groff handles the ore proposition, you understand, and it's his
company that does the inter-locking act between the ore mines and us
and the railroads.
Course, I can't give you all the details without pullin' down a
subpoena from the Attorney-General's office, and I ain't anxious to
crowd Willie Rockefeller, or anybody like that, out of the witness
chair. But I can go as far as to state that, as near as I could dope
it out, Peter K. was only standin' on his rights, and if only him and
Mr. Ellins could have got together for half an hour peaceable-like
things could have been squared all around. We needed Groff every tick
of the clock, and just because he ain't always polite in statin' his
views over the wire wa'n't any first-class reason for us extendin' him
an official invitation to go sew his head in a bag.
Uh-huh, them was Old Hickory's very words. I stood by while he writes
the message. Then I takes it out and shows it to Piddie and grins.
You should have seen Piddie's face. He turns the color of green pea
soup and gasps. He's got all the fightin' qualities of a pet rabbit in
him, Piddie has.
"But--but that is a flat insult," says he, "and Mr. Groff is a very
irascible person!"
"A which?" says I. "Never mind, though. If he's got anything on Old
Hickory when it comes to pep in the disposition, he's the real Tabasco
Tommy."
"But I still contend," says Piddie, "that this reply should not be
sent."
"Course it shouldn't," says I. "But who's goin' to point that out to
the boss? You?"
Piddie shudders. I'll bet he went home that night and told Wifey to
prepare for the end of the world. Course, I knew it meant a muss. But
when Old Hickory's been limpin' around with a gouty toe for two weeks,
and his digestion's gone on the fritz, and things in gen'ral has been
breakin' bad--well, it's a case of low barometer in our shop, and
waitin' to see where the lightnin' strikes first. Might's well be
pointed at Peter K., thinks I, as at some Wall Street magnate or me.
Course, Groff goes up in the air a mile, threatens to resign from the
board, and starts stirrin' up a minority move that's liable to end most
anywhere.
Then, right in the midst of it, Old Hickory accumulates his annual case
of grip, runs up a temperature that ain't got anything to do with his
disposition, and his doctor gives orders for him not to move out of the
house for a week.
So that throws the whole thing onto me and Mr. Robert. I was takin' it
calm enough too; but with Mr. Robert it's different. He has his coat
off that mornin', and his hair mussed up, and he's smokin' long
brunette cigars instead of his usual cigarettes. He was pawin' over
things panicky.
"Hang it all!" he explodes. "Some of these papers must go up to the
Governor for his indorsement. Perhaps you'd better take them, Torchy.
But you're not likely to find him in a very agreeable mood, you know."
"Oh, I can dodge," says I, gatherin' up the stuff. "And what's the
dope? Do I dump these on the bed and make a slide for life, or so I
take out accident insurance and then stick around for orders?"
"You may--er--stick around," says Mr. Robert. "In fact, my chief
reason for sending you up to the house is the fact that at times you
are apt to have a cheering effect on the Governor. So stay as long as
you find any excuse.
"Gee!" says I. "I don't know whether this is a special holiday, or a
sentence to sudden death. But I'll take a chance, and if the worst
happens, Mr. Robert, see that Piddie wears a black armband for me."
He indulges in the first grin he's had on for a week, and I makes my
exit on that. The science of bein' fresh is to know where to quit.
But, say, that wa'n't all guff we was exchangin' about Old Hickory. I
don't find him tucked away under the down comf'tables, like he ought to
be. Marston, the butler, whispers the boss is in the lib'ry, and sort
of shunts me in without appearin' himself. A wise guy, Marston.
For here's Mr. Ellins, wearin' a padded silk dressin' gown and old
slippers, pacin' back and forth limpy and lettin' out grunts and growls
at every turn. Talk about your double-distilled grouches! He looks
like he'd been on a diet of mixed pickles and scrap iron for a month,
and hated the whole human race.
"Well?" he snaps as he sees me edgin' in cautious.
"Papers for your O. K," says I, holdin' the bunch out at arm's length.
"My O. K.?" he snarls. "Bah! Now what the zebra-striped Zacharias do
they send those things to me for? What good am I, anyway, except as a
common carrier for all the blinkety blinked aches and pains that ever
existed? A shivery, shaky old lump of clay streaked with cussedness,
that's all I am!"
"Yes, Sir," says I, from force of habit.
"Eh?" says he, whirlin' and snappin' his jaws.
"N-n-no, Sir," says I, sidesteppin' behind a chair.
"That's right," says he. "Dodge and squirm as if I was a wild animal.
That's what they all do. What are you afraid of, Boy?"
"Me?" says I. "Why, I'm havin' the time of my life. I don't mind. It
only sounds natural and homelike. And it's mostly bluff, ain't it, Mr.
Ellins?"
"Discovered!" says he. "Ah, the merciless perspicacity of youth! But
don't tell the others. And put those papers on my desk."
"Yes, Sir," says I, and after I've spread 'em out I backs into the bay
window and sits down.
"Well, what are you doing there?" says he.
"Waiting orders," says I. "Any errands, Mr. Ellins?"
"Errands?" says he. Then, after thinkin' a second, he raps out, "Yes.
Do you see that collection of bottles and pills and glasses on the
table? Enough to stock a young drugstore! And I've been pouring that
truck into my system by wholesale,--the pink tablets on the half-hour,
the white ones on the quarter, a spoonful of that purple liquid on the
even hour, two of the greenish mixtures on the odd, and getting worse
every day. Bah! I haven't the courage to do it myself, but by the
blue-belted blazes if---- See here, Boy! You're waiting orders, you
say?"
"Uh-huh!" says I.
"Then open that window and throw the whole lot into the areaway," says
he.
"Do you mean it, Mr. Ellins?" says I.
"Do I--yah, don't I speak plain English?" he growls. "Can't you
understand a simple----"
"I got you," I breaks in. "Out it goes!" I don't drop any of it
gentle, either. I slams bottles and glasses down on the flaggin' and
chucks the pills into the next yard. I makes a clean sweep.
"Thanks, Torchy," says he. "The doctor will be here soon. I'll tell
him you did it."
"Go as far as you like," says I. "Anything else, Sir?"
"Yes," says he. "Provide me with a temporary occupation."
"Come again," says I.
"I want something to do," says he. "Here I've been shut up in this
confounded house for four mortal days! I can't read, can't eat, can't
sleep. I just prowl around like a bear with a sore ear. I want
something that will make me forget what a wretched, futile old fool I
am. Do you know of anything that will fill the bill?"
"No, sir," says I.
"Then think," says he. "Come, where is that quick-firing, automatic
intellect of yours? Think, Boy! What would you do if you were shut up
like this?"
"Why," says I, "I--I might dig up some kind of games, I guess."
"Games!" says he. "That's worth considering. Well, here's some money.
Go get 'em."
"But what kind, Sir?" says I.
"How the slithering Sisyphus should I know what kind?" he snaps.
"Whose idea is this, anyway? You suggested games. Go get 'em, I tell
you! I'll give you half an hour, while I'm looking over this stuff
from the office. Just half an hour. Get out!"
It's a perfectly cute proposition, ain't it? Games for a heavy-podded
old sinner like him, who's about as frivolous in his habits as one of
them stone lions in front of the new city lib'ry! But here I was on my
way with a yellow-backed twenty in one hand; so it's up to me to
produce. I pikes straight down the avenue to a joint where they've got
three floors filled with nothin' but juvenile joy junk, blows in there
on the jump, nails a clerk that looks like he had more or less bean,
waves the twenty at him, and remarks casual:
"Gimme the worth of that in things that'll amuse a fifty-eight-year-old
kid who's sick abed and walkin' around the house."
Did I say clerk? I take it back. He was a salesman, that young gent
was. Never raised an eyebrow, but proceeded to haul out samples, pass
'em up to me for inspection, and pile in a heap what I gives him the
nod on. If I established a record for reckless buyin', he never
mentions it. Inside of twenty minutes I'm on my way back, followed by
a porter with both arms full.
"The doctor has come," says Marston. "He's in with Mr. Ellins now,
Sir."
"Ob, is he?" says I. "Makes it very nice, don't it?" And, bein' as
how I was Old Hickory's alibi, as you might say, I pikes right to the
front.
"Here he is now," says Mr. Ellins.
And the Doc, who's a chesty, short-legged gent with a dome half under
glass,--you know, sort of a skinned diamond with turf outfield
effect,--he whirls on me accusin'. "Young man," says he, "do I
understand that you had the impudence to----"
"Well, well!" breaks in Old Hickory, gettin' a glimpse of what the
porter's unloading "What have we here? Look, Hirshway,--Torchy's drug
substitute!"
"Eh?" says the Doc, starin' puzzled.
"Games," says Mr. Ellins, startin' to paw over the bundles. "Toys for
a weary toiler. Let's inspect his selection. Now what's this in the
box, Torchy?"
"Cut-up picture puzzle," says I. "Two hundred pieces. You fit 'em
together."
"Fine!" says Old Hickory. "And this?"
"Ring toss," says I. "You try to throw them rope rings over the peg."
"I see," says he. "Excellent! That will be very amusing and
instructive. Here's an airgun too."
"Ellins," says Doc Hirshway, "do you mean to say that at your age you
are going to play with such childish things?"
"Why not?" says Old Hickory. "You forbid business. I must employ
myself in some way, and Torchy recommends these."
"Bah!" says the Doc disgusted. "If I didn't know you so well, I should
think your mind was affected."
"Think what you blamed please, you bald-headed old pill peddler!" raps
back the boss, pokin' him playful in the ribs. "I'll bet you a fiver I
can put more of these rings over than you can."
"Humph!" says the Doc. "I've no time to waste on silly games." And he
stands by watchin' disapprovin' while Old Hickory makes an awkward stab
at the peg. The nearest he comes to it is when he chucks one through
the glass door of a curio cabinet, with a smash that brings the butler
tiptoein' in.
"Did you ring, Sir?" says Marston.
"Not a blamed one!" says Mr. Ellins.
"Take it away, Marston. And then unwrap that large package. There!
Now what the tessellated teacups is that!"
It's something I didn't know anything about myself; but the young gent
at the store had been strong for puttin' it in, so I'd let it slide.
It's a tin affair, painted bright green, with half a dozen little brass
cups sunk in it. Some rubber balls and a kind of croquet mallet goes
with it.
"Indoor golf!" says Old Hickory, readin' the instruction pamphlet.
"Oh, I see! A putting green. Set it there on the rug, Marston. Now,
let's see if I've forgotten how to putt."
We all gathers around while he tries to roll the balls into the cups.
Out of six tries he lands just one. Next time he don't get any at all.
"Pooh!" says the Doc edgin' up int'rested. "Wretched putting form,
Ellins, wretched! Don't tap it that way: sweep it along---follow
through, with your right elbow out. Here, let me show you!"
But Hirshway don't do much better. He manages to get two in; but one
was a rank scratch.
"Ho-ho!" cackles Old Hickory. "Isn't so easy as it looks, eh,
Hirshway? Now it's my turn again, and I'm betting ten I beat you."
"I take you," says the Doc.
And blamed if Old Hickory don't pull down the money!
Well, that's what started things. Next I knew they'd laid out a
regular golf course, drivin' off from the rug in front of the desk,
through the double doors into the drawin' room, then across the hall
into the music room, around the grand piano to the left, through the
back hall, into the lib'ry once more, and onto the tin green.
Marston is sent to dig out a couple sets of old golf clubs from the
attic, and he is put to caddyin' for the Doc, while I carries the bag
for the boss. Course they was usin' putters mostly, except for fancy
loftin' strokes over bunkers that they'd built out of books and sofa
pillows. And as the balls was softer than the regulation golf kind,
with more bounce to 'em, all sorts of carom strokes was ruled in.
"No moving the chairs," announces Old Hickory. "All pieces of
furniture are natural hazards."
"Agreed," says the Doc. "Playing stimies too, I suppose?"
"Stimies go," says the boss.
Say, maybe that wa'n't some batty performance, with them two old
duffers golfin' all over the first floor of a Fifth-ave. house,
disputin' about strokes, pokin' balls out from under tables and sofas,
and me and Marston followin' along with the bags. They got as excited
over it as if they'd been playin' for the International Championship,
and when Old Hickory loses four strokes by gettin' his ball wedged in a
corner he cuts loose with the real golfy language.
We was just finishin' the first round, with the score standin' fourteen
to seventeen in favor of the Doc, when the front doorbell rings and a
maid comes towin' in Piddie. Maybe his eyes don't stick out some too,
as he takes in the scene, But Mr. Ellins is preparin' to make a shot
for position in front of the green and he don't pay any attention.
"It's Mr. Piddie, Sir," says I.
"Hang Mr. Piddie!" says Old Hickory. "I can't see him now."
"But it's very important," says Piddie. "There's someone at the office
who----"
"No, no, not now!" snaps the boss impatient.
And I gives Piddie the back-out signal. But you know how much sense
he's got.
"I assure you, Mr. Ellins," he goes on, "that this is----"
"S-s-s-st!" says I. "Boom-boom! Outside!" and I jerks my thumb
towards the door.
That settles Piddie. He fades.
A minute later Old Hickory gets a lucky carom off a chair leg and holes
out in nineteen, with the Doc playin' twenty-one.
"Ha, ha!" chuckled the boss. "What's the matter with my form now,
Hirshway? I'll go you another hole for the same stake."
The Doc was sore and eager to get back. They wa'n't much more'n fairly
started, though, before there's other arrivals, that turns out to be no
less than two of our directors, lookin' serious and worried.
"Mr. Rawson and Mr. Dunham," announces the maid.
"Here, Boy!" says the boss, catchin' me by the elbow. "What was that
you said to Mr. Piddie,--that 'Boom-boom!' greeting?"
I gives it to him and the Doc in a stage whisper.
"Good!" says he. "Get that, Hirshway? Now let's spring it on 'em.
All together now--S-s-s-st! Boom-boom! Outside!"
Say, it makes a hit with the directors, all right. First off they
didn't seem to know whether they'd strayed into a bughouse, or were
just bein' cheered; but when they sees Old Hickory's mouth corners they
concludes to take it as a josh. It turns out that both of 'em are golf
cranks too, and inside of three minutes they've forgot whatever it was
they'd come for, they've shed their coats, and have been rung into a
foursome.
Honest, of all the nutty performances! For there was no tellin' where
them balls would roll to, and wherever they went the giddy old boys had
to follow. I remember one of 'em was stretched out full length on his
tummy in the front hall, tryin' to make a billiard shot from under a
low hall seat, when there's another ring at the bell, and Marston, with
a golf bag still slung over his shoulder, lets in a square-jawed,
heavy-set old gent who glares around like he was lookin' for trouble
and would be disappointed if he didn't find it.
"Mr. Peter K. Groff," announces Marston.
"Good night!" says I to myself. "The enemy is in our midst."
But Old Hickory never turns a hair. He stands there in his shirt
sleeves gazin' calm at this grizzly old minin' plute, and then I sees a
kind of cut-up twinkle flash in them deep-set eyes of his as he summons
his foursome to gather around. I didn't know what was coming either,
until they cuts loose with it. And for havin' had no practice they
rips it out strong.
"S-s-s-st! Boom-boom! Outside!" comes the chorus.
It gets Peter K.'s goat too. His jaw comes open and his eyes pop.
Next he swallows bard and flushes red behind the ears. "Ellins," says
he, "I've come fifteen hundred miles to ask what you mean by telling
me----"
"Oh, that you, Groff?" breaks in the boss. "Well, don't interrupt our
game. Fore! You, I mean. Fore, there! Now go ahead, Rawson.
Playing eleven, aren't you?"
And Rawson's just poked his ball out, makin' a neat carom into the
music room, when the hall clock strikes five.
"By Jove, gentlemen!" exclaims Doc Hirshway. "Sorry, but I must quit.
Should have been in my office an hour ago. I really must go."
"Quitter!" says Mr. Ellins. "But all right. Trot along. Here, Groff,
you're a golfer, aren't you?"
"Why--er--yes," says Peter K., actin' sort of dazed; "but I----"
"That's enough," says Old Hickory. "You take Hirshway's place.
Dunham's your partner. We're playing Nassau, ten a corner. But I'll
tell you,--just to make it interesting, I'll play you on the side to
see whether or not we accept that proposition of yours. Is it a go?"
"But see here, Ellins," conies back Peter K. "I want you to understand
that you or any other man can't tell me to sew my head in a bag
without----"
"Oh, drop that!" says Old Hickory. "I withdraw it--mostly gout,
anyway. You ought to know that. And if you can beat me at this game
I'll agree to let you have your own way out there. Are you on, or are
you too much of a dub to try it?"
"Maybe I am a dub, Hickory Ellins," says Peter K., peelin' off his
coat, "but any game that you can play--er---- Which is my ball?"
Well, it was some warm contest, believe me, with them two joshin' back
and forth, and at the game time usin' as much foxy strategy as if they
was stealin' railroads away from each other! They must have been at it
for near half an hour when a maid slips in and whispers how Mr. Robert
is callin' for me on the wire. So I puts her on to sub for me with the
bag while I slides into the 'phone booth.
"Sure, Mr. Robert," says I, "I'm still on the job."
"But what is happening?" says he. "Didn't Groff come up?"
"Yep," says I. "He's here yet."
"You don't say!" says Mr. Robert. "Whe-e-ew! He and the governor
having it hot and heavy, I suppose?"
"And then some," says I. "Peter K. took first round 12-17, he tied the
second, and now he's trapped in the fireplace on a bad ten."
"Wha-a-at?" gasps Mr. Robert.
"Uh-huh," says I. "Mr. Ellins is layin' under the piano,--only seven,
but stimied for an approach."
"In Heaven's name, Torchy," says Mr. Robert, "what do you mean? Mr.
Groff trapped in the fireplace, father lying under the piano--why----"
"Ah, didn't Piddie tell you? The boob!" says I. "It's just golf,
that's all--indoor kind--a batty variation that they made up
themselves. But don't fret. Everything's all lovely, and I guess the
Corrugated is saved. Come up and look 'em over."
Yep! Peter K. got the decision by slipping over a smear in the fourth,
after which him and Old Hickory leans up against each other and laughs
until their eyes leak. Then Marston wheels in the tea wagon full of
decanters and club soda, and when I left they was clinkin' glasses real
chummy.
"Son," says Old Hickory, as he pads into the office about noon next
day, "I believe I forgot the usual caddie fee. There you are."
"Z-z-z-zing!" says I, starin' after him. Cute little strips of
Treasury kale, them with the C's in the corners, aren't they? Well, I
should worry!