advise you not to risk it.
ROPER.
[_At the door._] Risk it?
JIMMIE.
If Nicko knows you were the cause of his being shut out of the party
last night, he'll simply throttle you.
ROPER.
[_Opening the door._] Throttle _me_! [_Formidably._] Throttle Lal
Roper----!
[_He disappears, closing the door, as MAUD enters from the bedroom
with a pair of shoes._
LILY.
[_Weakly._] Oh! Oh! Oh! Get me something to keep these up with.
JIMMIE.
[_To MAUD._] Ribbon----
MRS. UPJOHN.
[_Snatching the shoes from MAUD._] Ribbon.
[_MAUD opens one of the drawers underneath the further cupboard on the
left and finds a roll of bright, new ribbon, while JIMMIE, searching
among the objects on the centre table, discovers the case of manicure
instruments and takes from it a pair of scissors._
LILY.
[_Putting on her shoes-- to MRS. UPJOHN._] No, no; that's the left
foot-- oh----!
MRS. UPJOHN.
Don't agitate yourself, dearie. Mother's _'ere_.
[_MAUD comes to the centre table with the ribbon and JIMMIE cuts off
two lengths from the roll._
MAUD.
[_To JIMMIE._] Morning, Miss Jimmie!
JIMMIE.
[_To MAUD._] Morning!
LILY.
[_To MRS. UPJOHN._] Where's the mirror? Where's the mirror?
MRS. UPJOHN.
[_Taking the mirror from the table and giving it to LILY._] 'Ere it
is, dearie; 'ere it is. An' _I'm_ 'ere too.
LILY.
[_Viewing herself in the mirror and running her hand over her hair._]
Oh, how horrid I look! [_JIMMIE goes to LILY with the two lengths of
ribbon and MAUD replaces the roll in the drawer._] Ring the bell.
[_JIMMIE hands LILY the garters, relieving her of the mirror, and MRS.
UPJOHN hastens to the fireplace and presses the bell-push
continuously._] That'll do, Maud; _you_ hook it.
MAUD.
[_Going to the bedroom door._] Ha, ha, ha! Ho, ho, ho! That's how I
like to hear her talk. Ha, ha, ha, ha!
[_MAUD vanishes into the bedroom, closing the door, and LILY, having
tied up her stockings, rises and comes to the settee._
MRS. UPJOHN.
[_Still pressing the bell-push._] _Now_ I don't believe I've rung.
LILY.
[_At the uttermost tension._] Ah, stop it, mother; stop it! [_Sitting
on the settee._] We're not calling the fire-brigade.
JIMMIE.
[_At the back of the settee, to LILY._] I'll wait in your bedroom till
the men have been shown up, and sneak out that way. [_Bending over
LILY._] Mind! If Nicko _is_ willing, after all, that you should make
your choice----
MRS. UPJOHN.
[_Advancing._] Yes, dearie, if 'e _is_ willing----
LILY.
[_Frantically._] I tell you I _have_ made it. I keep on telling you
_I've chosen-- I've chosen-- I've chosen!_ [_Clenching her hands._]
If you torment me any more, either of you----!
[_MRS. UPJOHN and JIMMIE retreat precipitately to the bedroom door.
They open the door and then, standing in the doorway, listen
intently._
JIMMIE.
[_Disappearing._] Ah----!
MRS. UPJOHN.
[_Partially disappearing._] Ah--! [_Only her head visible, speaking to
LILY in a hoarse whisper._] Mother's _'ere_, dearie.
[_The head is withdrawn and the door softly closed. After a pause,
GLADYS enters at the other door followed by JEYES and FARNCOMBE. The
men are carrying their hats and canes. GLADYS retires, closing the
door, and JEYES comes to LILY and shakes hands with her._
JEYES.
[_To LILY, gently._] How are you to-day, Lil? Very fagged?
LILY.
[_Almost inaudibly._] I _am_ a little. [_JEYES turns from her, to lay
his hat and cane upon the box-ottoman, and then FARNCOMBE, who has
hung back, advances hesitatingly to the further side of the centre
table and bows to LILY. She rises and, avoiding his eyes, gives him a
limp hand across the table._] How d'ye do? [_To JEYES who, having got
rid of his hat and cane, moves away from the ottoman._] Sit down,
won't you? [_She resumes her seat upon the settee and JEYES, with a
nod, sits in the arm-chair by the centre table. FARNCOMBE remains
standing and again she addresses him without meeting his eyes._] And
you?
[_FARNCOMBE, with another bow, sits upon the fauteuil-stool. There is
a brief silence and then JEYES speaks._
JEYES.
Lil----
LILY.
Y-yes?
JEYES.
In the first place, Farncombe wants you distinctly to understand how
it is he's committing this breach of his compact with you. [_To
FARNCOMBE._] You promised----?
FARNCOMBE.
I promised never to attempt to come near Miss Parradell again, nor
even to enter the theatre.
JEYES.
[_To LILY._] And if I'm any judge of a man, Lily, Farncombe would have
kept his promise. He'd have kept it faithfully, but for _me_. I've
brought him along-- insisted on it. [_Emphatically._] _I've brought
him along._ See?
LILY.
W-w-why, Nicko?
JEYES.
I'll tell you, my dear. You remember, when we left you early this
morning, ordering us to walk away together and to part good friends?
LILY.
P-perfectly.
JEYES.
Well, we did walk away together, and we did part good friends. But we
didn't part at all till some hours later, in his rooms. We didn't part
till I'd made him stand by me and listen to me while I had a long jaw
with my brother on the 'phone.
LILY.
[_Wonderingly._] With-- your----?
JEYES.
About that Rhodesian business.
LILY.
What Rhodesian business?
JEYES.
I mentioned it to you yesterday. Bob owns a third, with Peter Chalmers
and Tom Dalby, of a group of farms near Bulawayo, and he's been
badgering me eternally to cut this and to settle out there as their
agent. [_Simply._] And I've accepted, old girl.
LILY.
[_With a blank face._] Ac-cepted?
JEYES.
[_Grimly._] Leaving you to bring an action against me, to recover
damages for a broken heart. [_Drawing a deep breath._] Yes, I'm
chucking you, Lil. I give you formal notice of my intention; and you
can drive down to your solicitors this afternoon and instruct them to
writ me without delay. [_Forcing a laugh._] Ha, ha, ha!
LILY.
[_Faintly._] Nicko----!
JEYES.
Unless-- unless you've an idea of consoling yourself shortly with--
with another chap, and prefer not to carry the matter into Court.
LILY.
[_About to rise._] Nicko----!
JEYES.
[_Restraining her by a gesture._] H'sh! No, no, no. [_She sinks
back._] Ah, Lil-- Lil-- I know you're full of generous, honest
impulses, though I _did_ tear you to rags in Farncombe's hearing a few
hours ago. But I'm not going to allow you to sacrifice yourself to
them; I-- I-- I've come to my senses, and I'm not going to permit it.
[_Bending forward._] Oh, my dear, why should I make you pay for the
weaknesses of my character? Because that's what it 'ud amount to. I've
bullied you for having played skittles with my life, my career. So you
_have_! Damn it, so you have! But you've done it out of blind
thoughtlessness; and if I'd been a fairly strong man, with some
ballast in me, you _couldn't_ have landed me where I am-- not you nor
fifty Pandora girls! [_Sitting erect._] And that-- that's the moral of
the tale; and-- and-- [_abruptly, to FARNCOMBE_] There's nothing more,
is there, Farncombe?
FARNCOMBE.
[_Brokenly._] Except that-- that I'd like to repeat-- what I've
already said to Jeyes-- that I-- [_his elbows on the table, his head
bowed_] oh, you make me feel terribly small, Jeyes.
[_Again there is a pause, and then LILY struggles to her feet and
holds out her hand to JEYES uncertainly, and at once he rises and
takes her in his arms. FARNCOMBE also rises and, standing behind the
settee, turns his back to JEYES and LILY._
LILY.
[_To JEYES, choking._] Ah, Nicko-- I can't-- I can't----
JEYES.
[_Patting her shoulder._] Ah----!
LILY.
Why, what-- what would become of my resolutions----?
JEYES.
Resolutions?
LILY.
To-- to raise you _up_, Nicko.
JEYES.
You _are_ raising me up-- setting me on my legs again.
LILY.
[_In a fright._] And-- and drawing Eddie into my net!
JEYES.
Oh, we've talked of that too, he and I. He's given me an account of
what passed between you here. My dear girl, your conscience may be
quite clear on that point. Nobody can ever reproach _you_ with trying
to draw him into your net.
LILY.
They _would_-- they _would_----
JEYES.
At all events, the task you have to face now is to prove to the
world-- _his_ world-- that Miss Parradell is equal to playing "lead"
on a bigger stage than the stage of the Pandora. [_Holding her at
arms' length and shaking her fondly._] And you'll _do_ it! Ho, ho, ho,
ho! _You'll_ do it! Ha, ha, ha--! [_His voice dies away miserably and
he releases her. Then, pulling himself together, he looks at his
watch._] Well, I've got to lunch with Bob at half-past one at the
Junior Carlton----
LILY.
[_Agitatedly._] Ah, it's not nearly that, Nicko; it's not nearly that!
Nicko--! [_She passes him, moving towards the door on the left as if
to intercept him, and then turns to him. A strip of ribbon lies upon
the spot where she has been standing. After gazing at it for a moment,
he stoops and picks it up._] Oh--! [_He folds the ribbon carefully and
puts it into his pocket._] Oh--! [_Hitching up her stocking through
her robe, piteously._] Ha, ha!
JEYES.
Ha, ha, ha----!
[_They face one another, laughing, and then she sits upon the
fauteuil-stool and drops her head upon the table and he fetches his
hat and cane from the box-ottoman._
LILY.
[_Weeping._] Nicko-- Nicko----!
JEYES.
[_Coming to her._] Oh, this isn't good-bye, Lil, not by any manner o'
means, my dear. We'll kill the fatted calf several times before I
start-- you, I, and the boy. Besides, by-and-by, you and he must take
a trip and come out to see me. "Seringa Vale" is the farm where I
shall be quartered, Bob tells me. [_Looking into space._] Jermyn
Street to Seringa Vale! [_Shaking himself._] Ph'h, there are no great
distances in these days! [_To FARNCOMBE, with a change of tone._]
Farncombe-- [_FARNCOMBE comes forward._] You dine with me to-night,
recollect; it's an engagement.
FARNCOMBE.
Yes.
JEYES.
Eight o'clock.
FARNCOMBE.
Eight o'clock.
JEYES.
Catani's.
FARNCOMBE.
Catani's.
[_Without looking at LILY again, JEYES goes to the door and opens it.
FARNCOMBE follows him and the two men halt in the doorway._
JEYES.
[_To FARNCOMBE, with a motion of his head towards LILY._] And
afterwards-- _you_ fetch her from the theatre and take her home.
That's _your_ job.
LILY.
[_Rising._] Oh----!
[_FARNCOMBE goes out on to the landing with JEYES and parts from him
at the top of the stairs. Then FARNCOMBE slowly returns, closes the
door, and finds LILY sitting upon the settee in a woeful attitude._
FARNCOMBE.
[_Coming to LILY and standing before her, thoughtfully._] Lily----
LILY.
[_Feebly._] Eh-- eh----?
FARNCOMBE.
I'm afraid there's one thing finer than winning the woman you love
and, when you've won her, being prepared to go through fire and water
for her.
LILY.
What's that?
FARNCOMBE.
Having the courage to give her up, as Jeyes has done.
LILY.
[_With a renewed outburst._] Oh, Nicko! Poor Nicko! Poor Nicko!
FARNCOMBE.
[_Sitting beside her and taking her hand consolingly._] By George,
he's a brick, isn't he!
LILY.
[_After a pause, drying her eyes._] Eddie----
FARNCOMBE.
Yes?
LILY.
If-- if ever we marry----
FARNCOMBE.
[_His jaw falling._] _If----!_
LILY.
W-w-when, then. When we marry, you'll be obliged to resign your
commission in the Guards, won't you?
FARNCOMBE.
[_Snapping his fingers._] P'sh! I shan't care a rap about that.
LILY.
[_Snatching her hand away._] The snobs! The snobs! They'd let you
marry any bit of trash in your own set; but a Pandora girl, though
she's as pure as the Queen of England----! Oh, the contemptible snobs!
FARNCOMBE.
[_Regaining possession of her hand._] H'sh! H'sh! It-- it's the
practice----
LILY.
Blow the practice! A cheerful reflection for _me_, it'll be. The
arrant snobs!
FARNCOMBE.
[_Stroking her hand._] Ah! Ah!
LILY.
And then-- poor mother! You-- you won't be very proud of poor mother.
FARNCOMBE.
Your mother? [_Boyishly._] Oh, she-- she's an awfully good sort.
LILY.
She hasn't an H. to her name.
FARNCOMBE.
[_Inadvertently._] She _oughtn't_ to have.
LILY.
[_Withdrawing her hand again, sharply._] She calls herself _H_upjohn,
you mean!
FARNCOMBE.
[_Distressed._] No, no, no. [_In a difficulty._] Er-- at any rate, h's
don't lead you to heaven, do they?
LILY.
[_Gloomily._] You're right; mother's lead _her_ to _'eaven_. [_Rising
and walking away._] Well, you'd better go now.
FARNCOMBE.
[_Rising._] And to-night----?
LILY.
No; I'll come home alone.
FARNCOMBE.
Lily----!
LILY.
[_Imperatively._] Please----!
FARNCOMBE.
When----?
LILY.
[_Moving to the door on the left._] Not for two or three days. Give me
time to shake down over this.
FARNCOMBE.
[_Taking up his hat and cane which he has left upon the centre
table._] Sunday?
LILY.
[_Fretfully._] No.
FARNCOMBE.
Monday?
LILY.
[_Opening the door._] No.
FARNCOMBE.
[_Joining her at the door._] Tuesday?
LILY.
[_Appealingly._] I-- I'll write. [_Again he takes her hand, she
keeping him at a distance. He attempts to lessen the distance, but she
checks him, shaking her head._] Not just yet, Eddie. [_He smiles at
her tenderly and, with a bow, departs. From the doorway, she watches
him disappear; then she shuts the door and wanders listlessly to the
door of the bedroom. Her hand lingers upon the knob for a moment, and
then she opens the door a little way and calls._] Mother! Mother----!
[_She leaves the door and is returning to the settee when MRS. UPJOHN
enters._
MRS. UPJOHN.
[_All agog._] Yes, Lil? [_LILY seats herself upon the settee without
speaking._] Yes, dearie; yes? [_Advancing to the centre table._] 'Ave
they given you your choice?
LILY.
[_Dully._] No; they've given me no choice.
MRS. UPJOHN.
[_Advancing further._] Wot----?
LILY.
Nicko's going out to South Africa, mother.
MRS. UPJOHN.
South Africa!
LILY.
Well, to Rhodesia.
MRS. UPJOHN.
Then you're free, Lil!
LILY.
No, I'm not.
MRS. UPJOHN.
Not!
LILY.
Nicko-- Nicko's handed me over, mother.
MRS. UPJOHN.
'Anded you over!
LILY.
To-- to Lord Farncombe.
MRS. UPJOHN.
[_Gasping._] An' you an' the young gentleman----!
LILY.
I-- I suppose so.
MRS. UPJOHN.
Oh--! [_Sinking into the arm chair by the centre table._] Oh, the dear
Captain!
LILY.
[_Transferring herself from the settee to MRS. UPJOHN'S lap._] Oh! Oh!
Oh! [_Putting her arms round MRS. UPJOHN'S neck._] Oh, poor Nicko!
MRS. UPJOHN.
[_Soothingly._] 'E'll 'ave 'is reward, Lil; 'e'll 'ave 'is reward
'ereafter.
LILY.
And poor Carlton Smythe! Oh, poor Carlton!
MRS. UPJOHN.
Poor Carlton----?
LILY.
He's losing every one of his best girls, mother. Gwennie Harker--
Maidie Trevail-- Eva Shafto-- and now _me_! Oh, poor Carlton!
MRS. UPJOHN.
'Ush, dearie; 'ush! Don't consider _'im_! [_Rocking LILY to and fro
like a baby._] Think-- think wot a lot o' good you're all doin' to the
aristocracy!
[_The door on the left opens and JIMMIE and ROPER look in gleefully
and then tiptoe towards LILY and MRS. UPJOHN._
THE END.
_All applications respecting amateur performances of this play must
be made to Sir Arthur Pinero's agents, Samuel French, Limited,
Southampton St., London, W.C._
Printed By
Ballantyne & Company Ltd
At The Ballantyne Press
Tavistock Street Covent Garden
London
* * * * *
* * * *
* * * * *
ERRATA (noted by transcriber)
First Act:
I prophesy that Mr. Morgan's picture
_text has comma for period_
N-n-o, thank you, Captain, and I-- I'm afraid----
_text has "I I-I'm afraid----": changed to match all others_
Second Act:
STIDULPH has seated himself wearily in the armchair
_text unchanged: everywhere else hyphenated "arm-chair"_
It _is_ a pleasure, meeting all you girls to-night.
_hyphen invisible_
Karl----
_text has no visible punctuation after "Karl"_
Third Act:
[_Gazing at DAPHNE stupidly ..._
_"at" printed in Roman (non-italic) type_
Say you'll take time to consider.
_final period missing or invisible_
End of Project Gutenberg's The 'Mind the Paint' Girl, by Arthur Pinero