(_A Story in Scenes._)
SCENE XIX.--_The Drawing-room._ Mrs. TOOVEY _is still regarding_ Mr.
JANNAWAY, _after the manner of an elderly bird in the presence of a
young and somewhat inexperienced serpent_.
_Mr. Toovey_ (_coming to the rescue_). Excuse me, young Sir, but
I don't think you quite realise who that lady _is_. (_With mild
self-assertion._) She is my wife, Sir, my Wife! And she is not
_accustomed_ to being hunted all over Upper Tooting, or anywhere else!
_Mr. Jannaway_ (_to himself_). I've got this dear lady on toast. _I_
can see! But I mustn't do anything ungentlemanly or I may get the sack
if the governor gets to hear of it. (_Aloud._) If I'm mistaken I'm
ready to apologise; but the lady bears such a really remarkable
likeness to a Mrs. TOMKINSON JONES, residing (so she gave me to
understand) at The Laburnums, Upper Tooting, that----
_Mrs. Toovey_ (_finding her voice_). I do _not_ reside at Upper
Tooting!
_Mr. Jann._ (_in silky tones_). Precisely _so_, Madam. No more does
Mrs.--hem--TOMKINSON JONES!
_Charles._ And is _that_ the only point of resemblance between your
friend Mrs. JONES and my Aunt, eh?
_Mr. Jann._ That's a matter of opinion, Sir. I've my own. But neither
the lady nor yet myself are particularly likely to forget our meeting.
It was only last Saturday evening, too!
_Mr. Toov._ Why, then you must have met Mrs. TOOVEY at the Zenana
Mission Conference?
_Mr. Jann._ Well that isn't the name _I_ know it by; but if the lady
prefers it, why----
_Mrs. Toov._ (_hoarsely_). I--I deny having ever met the young man
before, anywhere; that is, I--I don't remember doing so. Take him
away!
_Mr. Jann._ I should be most averse, of course, to contradicting a
lady, and I can only conclude that she is so much in the 'abit of
fetching unoffending strangers what I may venture to term, if
you'll permit the vulgarity, a slap in the jaw, that such a trifling
circumstance makes no impression on her. It did on _me_!
_Mr. Toov._ (_outraged_). Young man! are you endeavouring to suggest
that my wife goes about--er--administering "slaps in the jaw" to
perfect strangers at Zenana meetings?
_Mr. Jann._ Pardon me, I said nothing whatever about any--er--Pyjama
meetings. I don't know what may go on _there_, I'm sure. The incident
_I_ alluded to occurred at the Eldorado music-hall.
_Mrs. Toov._ (_to herself_). There; it's out at last! What _have_ I
done to deserve this?
_Charles_ (_to himself_). The Eldorado! Why, THEA _said_----What _can_
Aunt have been up to? She's got herself into the very deuce of a hole!
[CURPHEW _and_ ALTHEA _exchange significant glances_.
_Mr. Toov._ At the Eldorado? Now, do you know that's very
singular--that really is very singular indeed! You're the _second_
person who fancied Mrs. TOOVEY was there last Saturday evening! So
that you see there _must_ have been a lady there most extraordinarily
like my wife!
_Mrs. Toov._ (_to herself_). Dear, good, simple Pa; _he_ believes in
me! After all, I've only to deny everything; he can't _prove_ I was
there! (_Aloud._) Yes, Sir, and on a mere resemblance like that you
have the audacity to bring these shameful charges against me--_me_!
All you have succeeded in establishing is that you were in the
music-hall yourself, and I doubt whether your employer would approve
of a clerk of his spending his time in such places, if it came to his
ears!
_Mr. Jann._ It's very kind of you to concern yourself on my account,
Madam; but there's no occasion. It was Mr. LARKINS himself gave me the
ticket; so I'm not at all uneasy.
[Illustration: "Why, Cornelia, my love, so you've _found_ your
spectacles!"]
_Mr. Toov._ Why, dear me, that must have been the ticket Mr.
CURPHEW--I should say, Mr. WALTER WILDFIRE--sent me. I remember I left
it with Mr. LARKINS in case he could find a use for it. So you were in
_my_ box; quite a coincidence, really!
_Mr. Jann._ As you say, Sir, and not the only one neither, seeing
that----
_Mrs. Toov._ Pa, isn't it time this young man finished the business
he came about, and went away? I am not accustomed to seeing my
drawing-room made use of as an office!
_Mr. Toov._ (_snatching up the transfer_). By all means, my love.
(_To_ Mr. J.) Er, I really think we should be more comfortable in the
study. There--there's a bigger inkstand.
[_He leads the way to the door._
_Mr. Jann._ (_following_). As _you_ please, Sir. (_Turning at the
door._) I must say I think I've been most cruelly misunderstood. If
I've been anxious for the pleasure of meeting Mrs. TOMKINSON JONES
again, any revengeful motives or lowness of that description was far
from my thoughts, my sole object being to restore a piece of property
which the lady, whoever she may have been, left behind her, and which,
as I 'appen to have brought it with me, would, if recognised, settle
any question of identity on the spot. But that can wait for the
present. Business first, pleasure afterwards!
[_He goes out. A silence. Presently a succession of violent
sniffs proceed from behind "The Quiver." All rise in concern._
_Charles._ I say, Aunt, you're not going to give way _now_, are you?
That fellow hasn't frightened you?
_Alth._ (_kneeling down and embracing_ Mrs. T.). Dearest mamma,
_don't_ you think you'd better tell us all about it? It was _you_ who
slapped that horrid little man's face--now, _wasn't_ it? And serve him
right!
_Mrs. T._ (_in a burst_). I took him for your father! Oh, what have I
_said_? I never meant to admit anything! And what must you all think
of me?
_Curph._ No one who has had the benefit of your opinions of
music-halls or their entertainers, can possibly imagine you went to
one with any idea of _amusing_ yourself, Mrs. TOOVEY.
_Mrs. Toov._ (_without heeding him_). And Pa, what will _he_ say? When
I think of all the wicked stories I've had to tell that poor dear man!
And after he once finds them out, there's an end of all his
respect for me, all my influence over him, all my power in this
house--_everything_! Why, for anything _I_ can tell, Pa may actually
believe I went to that detestable place on what (_to_ CURPHEW) I
suppose your friends would call the--the (_utterly breaking down_)
Tee-hiddle-dy-hi!
_Charles_ (_after a highly suspicious fit of choking_). Don't think
there's any danger of that, Aunt; but look here, how if I went into
the study and kicked that little cad out, eh?
_Mrs. Toov._ And have the whole affair in the police reports! _You_'re
a pretty solicitor, CHARLES! But Pa _knows_ by now, and oh, what in
the _world_ am I to do?
_Charles._ Well, my dear Aunt, it sounds an immoral suggestion, but,
as you seem to have given Uncle a--hem--slightly picturesque version
of your doings last Saturday, hadn't you better _stick_ to it?
_Mrs. Toov._ What's the use? Didn't you hear that wretch say he'd
found something in the box? It's my spectacles, CHARLES; a pair in
a Rob Roy tartan case, which Pa gave me himself, and couldn't _help_
recognising! I remember now, I left them there, and----(_The door
opens._) They're coming back!
_Mr. Toov._ (_entering_). That's really a very honest young fellow, my
love, nothing will satisfy him but bringing in the article he's found,
and seeing whether it belongs to you or not.
_Mrs. Toov._ (_breathlessly_). And have _you_ seen it, Pa--have you
_seen_ it?
_Mr. Toov._ Not yet, dear love, not yet. He's getting it out of his
great coat in the hall.
_Curph._ (_starting up from behind_ ALTHEA). I think, if you will
allow me, _I_'ll go and speak to him first. It strikes me that I may
know the lady who was in that box, and I'm naturally anxious to avoid
any----
[_He goes out._