GREGORY { } What's the good of keeping on at that?
MRS. JUNO { together } Oh, not that again, please.
MRS. LUNN { } Tops: I'll scream if you say that again.
JUNO. Oh, well, if you won't listen to me--! [He sits down again].
MRS. JUNO. What is the position now exactly? [Mrs. Lunn shrugs her
shoulders and gives up the conundrum. Gregory looks at Juno. Juno turns
away his head huffily]. I mean, what are we going to do?
MRS. LUNN. What would you advise, Mr. Juno?
JUNO. I should advise you to divorce your husband.
MRS. LUNN. Do you want me to drag your wife into court and disgrace her?
JUNO. No: I forgot that. Excuse me; but for the moment I thought I was
married to you.
GREGORY. I think we had better let bygones be bygones. [To Mrs. Juno,
very tenderly] You will forgive me, won't you? Why should you let a
moment's forgetfulness embitter all our future life?
MRS. JUNO. But it's Mrs. Lunn who has to forgive you.
GREGORY. Oh, dash it, I forgot. This is getting ridiculous.
MRS. LUNN. I'm getting hungry.
MRS. JUNO. Do you really mind, Mrs. Lunn?
MRS. LUNN. My dear Mrs. Juno, Gregory is one of those terribly uxorious
men who ought to have ten wives. If any really nice woman will take him
off my hands for a day or two occasionally, I shall be greatly obliged
to her.
GREGORY. Seraphita: you cut me to the soul [he weeps].
MRs. LUNN. Serve you right! You'd think it quite proper if it cut me to
the soul.
MRS. JUNO. Am I to take Sibthorpe off your hands too, Mrs. Lunn?
JUNO [rising] Do you suppose I'll allow this?
MRS. JUNO. You've admitted that you've done wrong, Tops. What's the use
of your allowing or not allowing after that?
JUNO. I do not admit that I have done wrong. I admit that what I did
was wrong.
GREGORY. Can you explain the distinction?
JUNO. It's quite plain to anyone but an imbecile. If you tell me I've
done something wrong you insult me. But if you say that something that
I did is wrong you simply raise a question of morals. I tell you flatly
if you say I did anything wrong you will have to fight me. In fact I
think we ought to fight anyhow. I don't particularly want to; but I
feel that England expects us to.
GREGORY. I won't fight. If you beat me my wife would share my
humiliation. If I beat you, she would sympathize with you and loathe me
for my brutality.
MRS. LUNN. Not to mention that as we are human beings and not reindeer
or barndoor fowl, if two men presumed to fight for us we couldn't
decently ever speak to either of them again.
GREGORY. Besides, neither of us could beat the other, as we neither of
us know how to fight. We should only blacken each other's eyes and make
fools of ourselves.
JUNO. I don't admit that. Every Englishman can use his fists.
GREGORY. You're an Englishman. Can you use yours?
JUNO. I presume so: I never tried.
MRS. JUNO. You never told me you couldn't fight, Tops. I thought you
were an accomplished boxer.
JUNO. My precious: I never gave you any ground for such a belief.
MRS. JUNO. You always talked as if it were a matter of course. You
spoke with the greatest contempt of men who didn't kick other men
downstairs.
JUNO. Well, I can't kick Mr. Lunn downstairs. We're on the ground floor.
MRS. JUNO. You could throw him into the harbor.
GREGORY. Do you want me to be thrown into the harbor?
MRS. JUNO. No: I only want to show Tops that he's making a ghastly fool
of himself.
GREGORY [rising and prowling disgustedly between the chesterfield and
the windows] We're all making fools of ourselves.
JUNO [following him] Well, if we're not to fight, I must insist at
least on your never speaking to my wife again.
GREGORY. Does my speaking to your wife do you any harm?
JUNO. No. But it's the proper course to take. [Emphatically]. We MUST
behave with some sort of decency.
MRS. LUNN. And are you never going to speak to me again, Mr. Juno?
JUNO. I'm prepared to promise never to do so. I think your husband has
a right to demand that. Then if I speak to you after, it will not be
his fault. It will be a breach of my promise; and I shall not attempt
to defend my conduct.
GREGORY [facing him] I shall talk to your wife as often as she'll let
me.
MRS. JUNO. I have no objection to your speaking to me, Mr. Lunn.
JUNO. Then I shall take steps.
GREGORY. What steps?
Juno. Steps. Measures. Proceedings. What steps as may seem advisable.
MRS. LUNN [to Mrs. Juno] Can your husband afford a scandal, Mrs. Juno?
MRS. JUNO. No.
MRS. LUNN. Neither can mine.
GREGORY. Mrs. Juno: I'm very sorry I let you in for all this. I don't
know how it is that we contrive to make feelings like ours, which seems
to me to be beautiful and sacred feelings, and which lead to such
interesting and exciting adventures, end in vulgar squabbles and
degrading scenes.
JUNO. I decline to admit that my conduct has been vulgar or degrading.