Yet I did not neglect to know the truth respecting the value of my

ring, and showed it to a lapidary, who rated it at three ducats. At

such an estimate, though as much as I expected, I made a formal

surrender to the devil, of the Philippine Isles, the governor and his

niece; or rather, I only restored his own subjects to their lawful

sovereign. As I was going out of the lapidary's shop, a young fellow

brushed by me, and on looking round, made a full stop. I could not

recollect his name at first, though his features were perfectly

familiar to me. How now, Gil Blas, said he, are you ashamed of an

old acquaintance? or have two years so altered the son of Nunez the

barber, that you do not know him? Do not you recollect Fabricio,

your townsman and schoolfellow? How often have we kept, before

Doctor Godinez, upon universals and metaphysics!

These words did not flow so fast as my recollection, and we embraced

with mutual good will. Well, my friend, resumed he, I am overjoyed

to meet with you. Words fall short.... But how is this? Why, you

look like--as Heaven is my judge, you are dressed like a grandee! A

gentleman's sword, silk stockings, a velvet doublet and cloak,

embroidered with silver! Plague take it! this is getting on in the

world with a vengeance. I will lay a wager you are in with some old

moneyed harridan. You reckon without your host, said I, my affairs

are not so prosperous as you imagine. That will not do for me,

replied he, I know better things; but you have a mind to be close.

And that fine ruby on your finger, master Gil Blas, whence comes

that, if I may be so bold? It comes, quoth I, from an infernal jade.

Fabricio, my dear Fabricio, far from being point, quint, and quatorze

with the ladies of Valladolid, you are to know, my friend, that I am

their complete bubble.

I uttered these last words so ruefully, that Fabricio saw plainly

that some trick had been played upon me. He was anxious to learn why

I was out of humor with the lovely sex. I had no difficulty in

satisfying his curiosity; but as the story was a long one, and

besides we had no mind to part in a hurry, we went into a

coffee-house to be a little more at ease. There I recounted to him,

during breakfast, all that had happened to me since my departure from

Oviedo. My adventures he thought whimsical enough; and testifying

his sympathy in my present uneasy circumstances, added--We must make

the best, my good lad, of all our misfortunes in this life. Is a man

of parts in distress? he waits patiently for better luck. Such a

one, as Cicero truly observes, never suffers himself to be humbled so

low as to forget that he is a man. For my own part, that is just my

character; in or out of favor there is no sinking me; I always float

on the surface of ill-luck. For example, I was in love with a girl

of some family at Oviedo, and was beloved by her in return. I asked

her of her father in marriage, he refused. Many a young fellow would

have died of grief; but no! mark my spirit, I carried off the little

baggage. She was lively, heedless, and coquettish: pleasure

consequently was always uppermost to the prejudice of duty. I took

her with me for six months backwards and forwards about Galicia;

thence, adopting my taste for travelling, she had a mind to go to

Portugal, but in other company--more food for despair. Yet I did not

give in under the weight of this new affliction; but, improving on

Menelaus, thought myself much obliged to the Paris who had whispered

in the ear of my Helen, for ridding me of a bad bargain; I therefore

determined to keep the peace. After that, not finding it convenient

to return to the Asturias and balance accounts with justice, I went

forward into the kingdom of Leon, spending between one town and

another all the loose cash remaining from the rape of my Indian

princess; for we had both of us bird-limed our fingers at our

departure from Oviedo. I got to Palencia with a solitary ducat, out

of which I was obliged to buy a pair of shoes. The remainder would

not go far. My situation became rather perplexing. I began already

to be reduced to short allowance; something must be done. I resolved

to go out to service. My first place was with a woollen-draper in a

large way, whose son was a lad of wit and fashion; here was a

complete antidote to fasting, but then there was a little

awkwardness. The father ordered me to dog the son, the son begged my

assistance in imposing on the father; it was necessary to take one

side or other. Entreaties sound more musical than commands, and my

taste for music got me turned out of doors. The next service I

entered into was with an old painter, who undertook, as a matter of

favor, to teach me the principles of his art; but he was so busy in

feeding me with knowledge, that he forgot to give me any meat. This

neglect of substance for shadow disgusted me with my abode at

Palencia. I came to Valladolid, where, by the greatest good luck in

the world, I was hired by a governor of the hospital; I am with him

still, and delighted with my quarters. My master, Signor Manuel

Ordonnez, is a man of profound piety. He always walks with his eyes

cast downwards, and a large rosary in his hand. They say that from

his early youth, having been a close inspector of the poor, he has

interested himself in their affairs with unwearied zeal. Charity

draws down a blessing on the charitable, everything has prospered

with him. What a favorite of Heaven! The more he does for the poor,

the richer he grows. As Fabricio was going on in this manner, I

interrupted him. It is well you are satisfied with your lot; but,

between ourselves, surely you might play your part better in the

world. Do not you believe it, Gil Blas, replied he; be assured that

for a man of my temper a more agreeable situation could not possibly

have been devised. The trade of a lackey is toilsome, to be sure,

for a poor creature; but for a lad of spirit it is all enchantment.

A superior genius, when he gets a service, does not go about it like

a lumpish simpleton. He enters into a family as viceroy over the

master, not as an inferior minister. He begins by measuring the

length of his employer's foot; by lending himself to his weaknesses,

he gains his confidence, and ends with leading him by the nose. Such

has been my plan of operation at the governor's. I knew the pilgrim

at once by his staff; his wish was for an earthly canonization. I

pretended to believe him to be the saint he wished to be taken for;

hypocrisy costs nothing. Nay, I went further, for I took pattern by

him; and playing the same part before him which he played before

others, I out-cozened the cozener, and by degrees got to be _major

domo_. I am in hopes some day or other, under his wing, to have the

fingering of the poor's-box. It may bring a blessing upon me as well

as another; for I have caught the flame from him, and already feel

deeply for the interests of charity.

These are fine hopes, my dear Fabricio, replied I; and I congratulate

you upon them. For my part, I am determined on my first plan. I

shall straight way convert my embroidered suit into a cassock, repair

to Salamanca, and there, enlisting under the banner of the

university, fulfil the sacred duties of a tutor. A fine scheme!

exclaimed Fabricio, a pleasant conceit! What madness, at your age,

to turn pedant. Are you aware, you stupid fellow, what you take upon

yourself by that choice? As soon as you are settled, all the house

will be upon the watch, your most trivial actions will be minutely

sifted. You will lead a life of incessant constraint; you must set

yourself off with a counterfeit outside, and affect to entertain a

double set of the cardinal virtues in your bosom. You will not have

a moment to bestow on pleasure. The everlasting censor of your

pupil, your days will pass in teaching grammar and administering

saintly reprehension, when he shall say or do any thing against

decorum. After so much labor and confinement, what will be your

reward? If the little gentleman is a pickle, they will lay all the

blame on your bad management; and you will be kicked out of the

family, it may be, without your stipend. Do not tell me then of a

tutor's employment; it is worse than a cure of souls. But talk as

much as you will about a lackey's occupation, that is a sinecure, and

pledges you to nothing. Suppose one's master not to be immaculate?

A servant of superior genius will flatter his vices, and not

unfrequently turn them to account. A footman lives at his ease in a

good family. After having ate and drank his fill, he goes to bed

peaceably, without troubling himself who pays the bills.

I should never have done, my dear fellow, pursued he, were I to

enumerate all the advantages of service. Trust me, Gil Blas, discard

forever your foolish wish of being a tutor, and follow my example.

So be it; but, Fabricio, replied I, governors like yours are not to

be met with every day; and if resolved to go to service, I should

like at least to get a good situation. O! you are in the right, said

he, and that shall be my concern. I will get you a comfortable

place, if it was only to snatch a fine fellow from the jaws of the

university.

The near approach of poverty with which I was threatened, and

Fabricio's apparent good case, having more weight with me than his

arguments, I determined to wear a livery. On which we sallied forth

from the tavern, and my townsman said: I am going to introduce you to

a man, to whom most of the servants resort when they are on the

ramble; he has eavesdroppers about him to pick up all that passes in

families. He knows at once where the servants are going away, and

keeps a correct register, not only of vacant places, but of vacant

masters, with their good and bad properties. The fellow has been a

friar in some convent or other. In short, he it was who got me my

place.

While we were conversing about so singular an office of intelligence,

the son of Nunez the barber took me into a street which had no

thoroughfare. We went into a mean house, where we found a man about

fifty writing at a table. We wished him good day, with quite as much

humility as became us: but, whether it was from natural pride, or

that, from a habit of seeing none but lackeys and coachmen, he had

got a trick of receiving his company with an easy freedom, without

rising from his seat, he just gave a slight nod. He seemed surprised

that a young man in embroidered velvet should want a place; he had

rather expected me to have wanted a servant. However, he was not

kept long in doubt, since Fabricio said at once: Signor Arias de

Londona, give me leave to introduce one of my best friends. He is a

youth of good connections, whom adverse circumstances have reduced to

the necessity of going to service. Have the goodness to provide for

him handsomely, and you may trust to his gratitude. Gentlemen,

replied Arias cooly, this is the way with you all; before you are

settled, you make the finest promises in the world: but afterwards,

Lord help us! your memories are very short. The deuce! replied

Fabricio, why, you do not complain of me? Have not I done the thing

genteelly? You ought to have done it much better, rejoined Arias:

your place is better than a clerk in a public office, and you paid me

as if I had quartered you upon a poor author. Here I interfered, and

told Master Arias, that to convince him I was not a shabby fellow, I

would make my acknowledgments before-hand; at the same time taking

out two ducats, with an assurance of not stopping there if he got me

into a good birth.

He seemed to like my mode of dealing. There are, said he, some very

good places vacant. I will give you a list of them, and you shall

take your choice. With these words, he put on his spectacles, opened

a register on the table, turned over a few of the leaves, and began

reading to this effect: Captain Torbellino wants a footman; a hasty,

hairbrained, humorsome chap; scolds incessantly, swears, kicks his

servants, and very often cripples them. Go on to the next, cried I,

at this picture; such a captain will never do for me. My

sprightliness made Arias smile, and he went on with his catalogue

thus: Donna Menuela de Sandoval, a superannuated dowager, peevish and

fantastical, is in want at this very time; she keeps but one, and him

never for four and twenty hours. There has been a livery in the

house for these ten years, which fits every new comer, whether tall

or short. They only just try it on; so that it is as good as new,

though it has had two thousand owners. Doctor Alvar Fanez wants a

journeyman; an eminent member of the faculty! He boards his family

very handsomely, has every thing comfortable about him, and gives

very high wages; but he is a little too fond of experiments. When he

gets a parcel of bad drugs, which happens very often, there is a

pretty quick succession of new servants.

O! I do not in the least doubt it, interrupted Fabricio with a

horse-laugh. Upon my word you give a fine character of your

customers. Patience, said Arias de Londona; we have not yet got to

the end: there is variety enough. Thereupon he continued to read on:

Donna Alfonsa de Solis, an old devotee, who lives two thirds of her

time at church, and always keeps her servant at her apron string, has

been in want for these three weeks. The Licentiate Sédillo, an old

prebendary of the chapter here, turned away his servant yesterday

evening.... Halt there, Signor Arias de Londona, cried Fabricio at

that passage; we will stick to the church. The Licentiate Sédillo is

one of my master's friends, and I am very well acquainted with him.

I know he has for his housekeeper an old hypocrite, called Dame

Jacintha, who is complete mistress of the family. It is one of the

best houses in Valladolid. A very idle life, and plenty of excellent

meat and drink. Besides, his reverence is an old, gouty, infirm man,

likely soon to make his will; there is a legacy to be looked after.

That is a delightful prospect for one of our cloth! Gil Blas, added

he, turning round to me, let us lose no time, my friend, but go

immediately to the licentiate's house. I will introduce you myself,

and give you a character. At these words, for fear of missing such

an opportunity, we took a hasty leave of Signor Arias, who assured

me, for my money, that if I failed here, he would do something as

good for me elsewhere.

BOOK THE SECOND.

_CHAPTER I._

_FABRICIO INTRODUCES GIL BLAS TO THE LICENTIATE SEDILLO, AND PROCURES

HIM A RECEPTION. THE DOMESTIC ECONOMY OF THAT CLERGYMAN. PICTURE OF

HIS HOUSEKEEPER._

We were so dreadfully afraid of offending against the regular hours

of the old licentiate, that we made but a hop, skip, and jump, from

the street with one outlet, to the prebendal residence. The gates

were barred: but we ventured to announce our arrival. A girl of ten

years old, the housekeeper's professed niece, and slander could not

gainsay the relationship, opened the door to us. As we asked to

speak with his reverence, Dame Jacintha made her appearance. She was

a lady of ripe person and parts, but by no means past her prime; and

I was particularly attracted by the clearness of her complexion. She

wore a long woollen gown of the most ordinary quality, with a large

leathern girdle, whence hung suspended a bunch of keys on one side,

and on the other a tremendous string of beads. As soon as we got a

glimpse of her, we made our obeisances with all possible reverence.

She returned our salutation with similar good breeding, but with an

air of modesty, and eyes communing with the ground.

I have been told, said my fellow-servant, that the reverend the

Licentiate Sédillo wants an honest lad, and I have one at his service

with whom he will be well satisfied. The superintendent of the

household turned up her eyes at these words, with a significant side

glance at me; and, finding it difficult to reconcile my laced jacket

with Fabricio's exordium, asked if it was this fine gentleman who was

come after the place. Yes, said the son of Nunez, it is this

interesting and engaging youth. Just as you see him, the ups and

downs of this transitory life have compelled him to wear an epaulet;

but fate will have made him ample amends, added he with an affected

languish, if he is so happy as to be an inmate here, and to profit by

the society of the virtuous Jacintha. The patriarch of the Indies

might have sighed for the virtuous Jacintha at the head of his

establishment. At these words, this withered branch of piety

withdrew her penetrating regards from me, to contemplate this

courteous spokesman. Struck with certain lines which were not new to

her, in his face, I have some floating idea of having seen you

before, said she; but my memory wants a lift. Holy Jacintha, replied

Fabricio, it is enough for me to have been blessed with your pious

notice. Twice have I been under this venerable roof with my master,

Signor Manuel Ordonnez, governor of the hospital. Ah! just so,

answered the lady chamberlain, I recollect! You are an old

acquaintance. Welladay now! Your very belonging to Signor Ordonnez

is enough to prove you a youth of merit and strict propriety. A

servant is known by his place, and this lad could not have a better

sponsor. Come along with me; I will introduce you to Signor Sédillo.

I am sure he will be glad to engage a lad at your recommendation.

We followed Dame Jacintha. The canon lived in the lower part of the

house, in a comfortable suite of wainscoated apartments. She begged

us to wait a moment in the ante-chamber, while she went into the

licentiate's room. After some private parley with him, merely that

he might know what he was about, she came to tell us we might walk

in. We kenned the old cripple, immersed in an elbow-chair, with a

pillow under his head, cushions under his arms, and his legs

supported on a large stool, stuffed with down. We were no niggards

of our bows as we advanced; and Fabricio, still taking the lead, not

only repeated over again what he had said to the housekeeper, but set

about extolling my merit, and expatiated in an especial manner on the

honors I had gained in the schools under Doctor Grodinez on all

metaphysical questions: as if it was necessary for a prebendary's

footman to be as learned as his master. However that might be, it

served as a tub to the whale. Besides, Dame Jacintha did not look

forbidding, and my surety received the following answer: Friend, I

receive into my service the lad you recommend. I like him well

enough; and as for his morals, they cannot be much amiss, since he

presents himself under the wing of a domestic belonging to Signor

Ordonnez.

As soon as Fabricio saw me safe landed, he made a low bow to the

prebendary, a still lower to the lady, and withdrew in high good

humor, whispering in my ear that we should meet again, and that I had

only to make good my footing. As soon as he had left the room, the

licentiate inquired my name, why I had left my native place; and drew

me on by his questions to relate my adventures before Dame Jacintha.

They were both highly amused, above all by my last rencounter.

Camilla and Don Raphael gave such play to their risible muscles, that

I thought old chalkstone would have burst: for, as he laughed with

all his might, so violent a cough laid hold of him, as went very near

to have carried him off. His will was not made. What an alarm for

the housekeeper! Trembling, distracted, off she flew to the good

man's succor, and just like a nurse with a puking child, paddled

about his forehead and tapped him on the back. Luckily it was a

false alarm; the old gentleman left off coughing, and the housekeeper

tormenting him. When it was over, I was for going on with my

narrative; but Dame Jacintha, in awe of a second fit, set herself

against it. She therefore took me with her out of the room to a

wardrobe, where, among several suits, was that of my predecessor.

This I was to take, and leave my own in its room, which I was not

sorry to see laid up safe, in the hope it might be of further use.

After this, we went together to get dinner ready.

I knew what I was about in the art of dressing meat. Dame Leonarda,

with whom I had served my time, might have passed for a very decent

plain cook; but a mere turnspit to dame Jacintha. The latter might

almost have borne away the bell from the archbishop of Toledo's man.

She was mistress of every thing; gravy soups, of the most delicious

texture and relish; and, for made dishes, she could season them up,

or soften them down to the most delicate or voluptuous palate. At

dinner time we returned to his reverence's apartment. While I was

arranging the grand concern close by his arm-chair, the lady of all

work crammed a napkin under the old boy's chin, and pinned it behind

his back. Without losing a moment, in marched I with a stew, fit to

be set before the first gourmand in Madrid, and two courses, to have

tickled the gills of a viceroy, only that Dame Jacintha had touched

the spicebox with discretion, for fear of exasperating the gout. At

the first glimpse of this goodly mess, my old master, whom I

conceived to have lost the use of his limbs, made me to understand

that his arms were exempted from the interdict. He availed himself

of their assistance, to get clear of his pillow and cushions, and

proceeded gayly to the attack. His hand shook, to be sure; but some

how or other it contrived to do its duty. He sent it backwards and

forwards fast enough; though it brought but half its cargo to the

landing-place at a lading: the tablecloth and napkin took toll. I

carried off the soup when he had done, and brought in a partridge

flanked by two roast quails, which Dame Jacintha cut up for him. She

took care to make him take a good draught of wine, a little lowered

at proper intervals, out of a large, deep, silver cup, which she held

to his mouth, as if he had been an infant. He winged the partridge,

and came down slap-dash upon all the rest of the dishes. When he had

done cramming, that saint of the saucepan unpinned his napkin,

reinstated his pillow and cushions; then, leaving him composed in his

arm-chair to the enjoyment of his usual nap after dinner, we took

away, and demolished the remainder with appetites worthy of our

master.

The dinner of to-day was the ordinary bill of fare. Our canon played

the best knife and fork in the chapter. But the supper was a mere

bawble; seldom more than a chicken and a little confectionery. I

larded my inside in this house, and led a good easy life. There was

but one awkward circumstance; and that was sitting up with my master,

to save the expense of a nurse. Besides a strangury, which kept him

on the fidget ten times in an hour, he was very much given to

perspire; and in that event, I shifted him. Gil Blas, said he, on

the second night, you are an active, clever fellow; I foresee that we

shall jog on very well together. I only just give you a hint to keep

in with Dame Jacintha; the girl has been about me for these fifteen

years, and manages all my little matters; she comforts my outward

man, and I cannot do too much for her. For that reason, you are to

know, that she is more to me than all my family. There is my nephew,

my own sister's son; why I have turned him out of doors, only to

please her. He had no regard for the poor lass: and so far from

giving her credit for all her little assiduities, the saucy rascal

swore she did not care a farthing for me! But nowadays, young people

think virtue and gratitude all a farce. Heaven be praised, I am rid

of the varlet. What claim has blood, in comparison with

unquestionable attachment? I am influenced by a give-and-take

principle in my connections. You are right, sir, replied I;

gratitude ought to be the first thing, and natural affection the

last. Ay! resumed he; and my will shall be a comment on that text.

My housekeeper shall be residuary legatee; and you shall have a

corner in a codicil, if you go on as well as you have begun. The

footman I turned off yesterday has lost a good legacy, by not knowing

where to hit the right nail on the head. If the blockhead had not

obliged me, by his ill behavior, to send him packing, I would have

made a man of him: but the beggar on horseback gave himself airs to

Dame Jacintha! Then master lazy-bones did not like sitting up! I

might pass the night as I could, provided he had no trouble with me.

O! the unfeeling scoundrel! exclaimed I, in the true spirit of

Fabricio, he was not a man to be about so good a master. The lad for

your money should be a humble, but confidential friend; he should not

make a toil of what ought to be a pleasure, but think nothing of

going through fire and water for your ease.

These professions were not lost upon the licentiate. Neither were my

assurances of due submission to Dame Jacintha's authority less

acceptable. Puffing myself off for a servant, who was not afraid of

work, I got through my business as cheerfully as I could. I never

complained of my nursery. Though to be sure it was irksome enough;

and if the legacy had not settled my stomach, I should have sickened

at the nature of my employment. It is true I got some hours rest

during the day. The housekeeper, to do her justice, was kind enough

to me; owing to the insinuating manner in which I wormed myself into

her good graces. Suppose me at table, with her and her niece

Inésilla! I changed their plates, filled their glasses, never

thought of my own dinner before they had every thing they wanted.

This was the way to thrive in their esteem. One day when Dame

Jacintha was gone to market, finding myself alone with Inésilla, I

began to make myself agreeable. Were her father and mother alive?

O! no, answered she; they have been dead this long, long time; for my

good aunt says they have, and I have never seen them. I religiously

believed the little innocent, though her answer was not of the

clearest; and she got into such a humor of talking, as to tell me

more than I wanted to know. She informed me, or rather I inferred it

from her artless simplicity, that her good aunt had a good friend,

who lived likewise with an old canon. The temporalities of the

church were under his administration? and these lucky domestics

reckoned upon entwining the spoils of their masters round the pillars

of the hymeneal temple, into whose sanctuary they had penetrated by

anticipation. Dame Jacintha, as I have said before, though a little

stricken in years, had still some bloom. To be sure, she spared no

pains to cherish it: besides daily evacuations, she took plentiful

doses of all-powerful jelly. She got her sleep in the night too,

while I sat up with my master. But what perhaps contributed most to

the freshness of this everlasting flower, was an issue in each leg,

of which I should never have known, but for that blab Inésilla.

_CHAPTER II._

_THE CANON'S ILLNESS; HIS TREATMENT; THE CONSEQUENCE; THE LEGACY TO

GIL BLAS._

I staid three months with the Licentiate Sédillo, without complaining

of bad nights. At the end of that time he fell sick. The distemper

was a fever; and it inflamed the gout. For the first time in his

life, which had been long, he called in a physician. Doctor Sangrado

was sent for; the Hippocrates of Valladolid. Dame Jacintha was for

sending for the lawyer first, and touched that string; but the

patient thought it was time enough, and had a little will of his own

upon some points. Away I went therefore for Doctor Sangrado; and

brought him with me. A tall, withered, wan executioner of the

sisters three, who had done all their justice for at least these

forty years. This learned forerunner of the undertaker had an aspect

suited to his office: his words were weighed to a scruple; and his

jargon sounded grand in the ears of the uninitiated. His arguments

were mathematical demonstrations: and his opinions had the merit of

originality.

After studying my master's symptoms, he began with medical solemnity.

The question here is, to remedy an obstructed perspiration. Ordinary

practitioners, in this case, would follow the old routine of salines,

diuretics, volatile salts, sulphur, and mercury; but purges and

sudorifics are a deadly practice. Chemical preparations are edged

tools in the hands of the ignorant. My methods are more simple, and

more efficacious. What is your usual diet? I live pretty much upon

soups, replied the canon, and eat my meat with a good deal of gravy.

Soups and gravy! exclaimed the petrified doctor. Upon my word, it is

no wonder you are ill. High living is a poisoned bait; a trap set by

sensuality, to cut short the days of wretched man. We must have done

with pampering our appetites: the more insipid, the more wholesome.

The human blood is not a gravy! Why, then, you must give it such a

nourishment as will assimilate with the particle of which it is

composed. You drink wine, I warrant you? Yes, said the licentiate,

but diluted. O! finely diluted, I dare say, rejoined the physician.

This is licentiousness with a vengeance! A frightful course of

feeding! Why, you ought to have died years ago. How old are you? I

am in my sixty-ninth year, replied the canon. So I thought, quoth

the practitioner, a premature old age is always the consequence of

intemperance. If you had only drank clear water all your life, and

had been contented with plain food, boiled apples for instance, you

would not have been a martyr to the gout, and your limbs would have

performed their functions with lubricity. But I do not despair of

setting you on your legs again, provided you give yourself up to my

management. The licentiate promised to be upon his good behavior.

Sangrado then sent me for a surgeon of his own choosing, and took

from him six good porringers of blood, by way of a beginning, to

remedy this obstinate obstruction. He then said to the surgeon;

Master Martin Onez, you will take as much more three hours hence, and

to-morrow you will repeat the operation. It is a mere vulgar error,

that the blood is of any use in the system; the faster you draw it

off, the better. A patient has nothing to do but to keep himself

quiet: with him, to live is merely not to die; he has no more

occasion for blood than a man in a trance; in both cases, life

consists exclusively in pulsation and respiration. When the doctor

had ordered these frequent and copious bleedings, he added a drench

of warm water at very short intervals, maintaining that water in

sufficient quantities was the grand secret in the materia medica. He

then took his leave, telling Dame Jacintha and me with an air of

confidence, that he would answer for the patient's life, if his

system was fairly pursued. The housekeeper, though protesting

secretly against this new practice, bowed to his superior authority.

In fact, we set on the kettles in a hurry; and, as the physician had

desired us above all things to give him enough, we began with pouring

down two or three pints at as many gulps. An hour after, we beset

him again: then, returning to the attack time after time, we fairly

poured a deluge into his poor stomach. The surgeon, on the other

hand, taking out the blood as we put in the water, we reduced the old

canon to death's door in less than two days.

[Illustration: Licentiate Sédillo on deathbed]

This venerable ecclesiastic, able to hold it out no longer, as I

pledged him in a large glass of his new cordial, said to me in a

faint voice--Hold, Gil Blas, do not give me any more, my friend. It

is plain death will come when he will come, in spite of water; and,

though I have hardly a drop of blood in my veins, I am no better for

getting rid of the enemy. The ablest physician in the world can do

nothing for us, when our time is expired. Fetch a notary; I will

make my will. At these last words, pleasing enough to my fancy, I

affected to appear unhappy; and concealing my impatience to be gone:

Sir, said I, you are not reduced so low, thank God, but you may yet

recover. No, no, interrupted he, my good fellow, it is all over. I

feel the gout shifting, and the hand of death is upon me. Make

haste, and go where I told you. I saw, sure enough, that he changed

every moment: and the case was so urgent, that I ran as fast as I

could, leaving him in Dame Jacintha's care, who was more afraid than

myself of his dying without a will. I laid hold of the first notary

I could find; Sir, said I, the Licentiate Sédillo, my master, is

drawing near his end; he wants to settle his affairs: there is not a

moment to be lost. The notary was a dapper little fellow, who loved

his joke, and inquired who was our physician. At the name of Doctor

Sangrado, hurrying on his cloak and hat: For mercy's sake, cried he,

let us set off with all possible speed; for this doctor despatches

business so fast, that our fraternity cannot keep pace with him.

That fellow spoils half my jobs.

With this sarcasm, he set forward in good earnest, and, as we pushed

on, to get the start of the grim tyrant, I said to him: Sir, you are

aware that a dying testator's memory is sometimes a little short;

should my master chance to forget me, be so good as to put in a word

in my favor. That I will, my lad, replied the little proctor; you

may rely on it. I will urge something handsome, if I have an

opportunity. The licentiate, on our arrival, had still all his

faculties about him. Dame Jacintha was by his bedside, laying in her

tears by wholesale. She had played her game, and bespoken a handsome

remembrance. We left the notary alone with my master, and went

together into the ante-chamber, where we met the surgeon, sent by the

physician for another and a last experiment. We laid hold of him.

Stop, Master Martin, said the housekeeper, you cannot go into Signor

Sédillo's room just now. He is giving his last orders; but you may

bleed away when the will is made.

We were terribly afraid, this pious gentlewoman and I, lest the

licentiate should go off with his will half finished; but by good

luck, the important deed was executed. We saw the proctor come out,

who finding me on the watch, slapped me on the shoulder, and said

with a simper: Gil Blas is not forgotten. At these words, I felt the

most lively joy; and was so well pleased with my master for his kind

notice, that I promised myself the pleasure of praying for his soul

after death, which event happened anon; for the surgeon having bled

him once more, the poor old man, quite exhausted, gave up the ghost

under the lancet. Just as he was breathing his last, the physician

made his appearance, and looked a little foolish, notwithstanding the

universality of his death-bed experience. Yet, far from imputing the

accident to the new practice, he walked off, affirming with

intrepidity, that it was owing to their having been too lenient with

the lancet, and too chary of their warm water. The medical

executioner, I mean the surgeon, seeing that his functions also were

at an end, followed Doctor Sangrado.

As soon as he saw the breath out of our patron's body, Dame Jacintha,

Inésilla, and myself, joined in a decent chorus of funeral

lamentation, loud enough to produce a proper effect in the

neighborhood. The emblem of a life to come, though she had more

reason than any of us to rejoice, took the soprano part, and screamed

out her afflictions in a most pathetic manner. The room in an

instant was crowded with people, attracted less by compassion than

curiosity. The relations of the deceased no sooner got wind of his

departure than they pounced down upon the premises, and sealed up

every thing. From the housekeeper's distress, they thought there was

no will; but they soon found their mistake, and that there was one

without a flaw. When it was opened, and they learned the disposition

of the testator's principal property, in favor of Dame Jacintha and

the little girl, they pronounced his funeral oration in terms not a

little disparaging to his memory. They gave a broad apostrophe at

the same time to the godly legatee, and a few blessings to me in my

turn. It must be owned I had earned them. The licentiate, Heaven

reward him for it, to secure my remembrances through life, expressed

himself thus in a paragraph of his will--_Item, as Gil Blas has

already some little smattering of literature, to encourage his

studious habits, I give and bequeath to him my library, all my books

and my manuscripts, without any drawback or exception._

I could not conceive where this said library might be; I had never

seen any. I only knew of some papers, with five or six bound books,

on two little deal shelves in my master's closet; and that was my

legacy. The books too could be of no great use to me; the title of

one was, The Complete Man Cook; another, A Treatise on Indigestion,

with the Methods of Cure; the rest were the four parts of the

breviary, half eaten up by the worms. In the article of manuscripts,

the most curious consisted of documents relating to a lawsuit in

which the prebendary was once engaged for his stall. After having

examined my legacy with more minuteness than it deserved, I made over

my right and title to these invidious relations. I even renounced my

livery, and took back my own suit, claiming my wages as my only

reward. I then went to look out for another place. As for Dame

Jacintha, besides her residue under the will, she had some snug

little articles, which by the help of her good friend she had

appropriated to her own use during the last illness of the licentiate.

_CHAPTER III._

_GIL BLAS ENTERS INTO DOCTOR SANGRADO'S SERVICE, AND BECOMES A FAMOUS

PRACTITIONER._

I determined to throw myself in the way of Signor Arias de Londona,

and to look out for a new birth in his register: but as I was on my

way to No Thoroughfare, who should come across me but Doctor

Sangrado, whom I had not seen since the day of my master's death. I

took the liberty of touching my hat. He kenned me in a twinkling,

though I had changed my dress; and with as much warmth as his

temperament would allow him: Hey day! said he, the very lad I wanted

to see; you have never been out of my thought. I have occasion for a

clever fellow about me, and pitched upon you as the very thing, if

you can read and write. Sir, replied I, if that is all you require,

I am your man. In that case, rejoined he, we need look no further.

Come home with me; it will be all comfort: I shall behave to you like

a brother. You will have no wages, but every thing will be found

you. You shall eat and drink according to the true faith, and be

taught to cure all diseases. In a word, you shall rather be my young

Sangrado than my footman.

I closed in with the doctor's proposal, in the hope of becoming an

Esculapius under so inspired a master. He carried me home on the

spur of the occasion, to install me in my honorable employment; which

honorable employment consisted in writing down the name and residence

of the patients who sent for him in his absence. There had indeed

been a register for this purpose, kept by an old domestic; but she

had not the gift of spelling accurately, and wrote a most perplexing

hand. This account I was to keep. It might truly be called a bill

of mortality; for my members all went from bad to worse during the

short time they continued in this system. I was a sort of bookkeeper

for the other world, to take places in the stage, and to see that the

first come were the first served. My pen was always in my hand, for

Doctor Sangrado had more practice than any physician of his time in

Valladolid. He had got into reputation with the public by a certain

professional slang, humored by a medical face, and some extraordinary

cases, more honored by implicit faith than scrupulous investigation.

He was in no want of patients, nor consequently of property. He did

not keep the best house in the world: we lived with some little

attention to economy. The usual bill of fare consisted of peas,

beans, boiled apples or cheese. He considered this food as best

suited to the human stomach, that is to say, as most amenable to the

grinders, whence it was to encounter the process of digestion.

Nevertheless, easy as was their passage, he was not for stopping the

way with too much of them: and, to be sure, he was in the right. But

though he cautioned the maid and me against repletion in respect of

solids, it was made up by free permission to drink as much water as

we liked. Far from prescribing us any limits there, he would tell us

sometimes,--Drink, my children; health consists in the pliability and

moisture of the parts. Drink water by pails full, it is a universal

dissolvent; water liquefies all the salts. Is the course of the

blood a little sluggish? this grand principle sets it forward: too

rapid? its career is checked. Our doctor was so orthodox on this

head, that he drank nothing himself but water, though advanced in

years. He defined old age to be a natural consumption which dries us

up and wastes us away: on this principle, he deplored the ignorance

of those who call wine old men's milk. He maintained that wine wears

them out and corrodes them, and pleaded with all the force of

eloquence against that liquor, fatal in common both to the young and

old, that friend with a serpent in its bosom, that pleasure with a

dagger under its girdle.

In spite of these fine arguments, at the end of a week, a looseness

ensued, with some twinges, which I was blasphemous enough to saddle

on the universal dissolvent and the new-fashioned diet. I stated my

symptoms to my master, in the hope he would relax the rigor of his

regimen, and qualify my meals with a little wine, but his hostility

to that liquor was inflexible. If you have not philosophy enough,

said he, for pure water, there are innocent infusions to strengthen

the stomach against the nausea of aqueous quaffings. Sage, for

example, has a very pretty flavor: and if you wish to heighten it

into a debauch, it is only mixing rosemary, wild poppy, and other

simples, but no compounds.

In vain did he crack off his water, and teach me the secret of

composing delicious messes. I was so abstemious, that, remarking my

moderation, he said,--In good sooth, Gil Blas, I marvel not that you

are no better than you are; you do not drink enough, my friend.

Water taken in a small quantity serves only to separate the particles

of bile and set them in action; but our practice is to drown them in

a copious drench. Fear not, my good lad, lest a superabundance of

liquid should either weaken or chill your stomach; far from thy

better judgment be that silly fear of unadulterated drink. I will

insure you against all consequences; and if my authority will not

serve your turn, read Celsus. That oracle of the ancients makes an

admirable panegyric on water; in short, he says in plain terms that

those who plead an inconstant stomach in favor of wine, publish a

libel on their own bowels, and make their organization a pretence for

their sensuality.

As it would have been ungenteel in me to have run riot on my entrance

into the career of practice, I affected thorough conviction, indeed I

thought there was something in it. I therefore went on drinking

water on the authority of Celsus, or to speak in scientific terms, I

began to drown the bile in copious drenches of that unadulterated

liquor; and though I felt myself more out of order from day to day,

prejudice won the cause against experience. It is evident,

therefore, that I was in the right road to the practice of physic.

Yet I could not always be insensible to the qualms which increased in

my frame, to that degree, as to determine me on quitting Doctor

Sangrado. But he invested me with a new office which changed my

tone. Hark you, my child, said he to me one day, I am not one of

those hard and ungrateful masters, who leave their household to grow

gray in service without a suitable reward. I am well pleased with

you, I have a regard for you, and without waiting till you have

served your time, I will make your fortune. Without more ado, I will

initiate you in the healing art, of which I have for so many years

been at the head. Other physicians make the science to consist of

various unintelligible branches; but I will shorten the road for you,

and dispense with the drudgery of studying natural philosophy,

pharmacy, botany, and anatomy. Remember, my friend, that bleeding

and drinking warm water are the two grand principles; the true secret

of curing all the distempers incident to humanity. Yes, this

marvellous secret which I reveal to you, and which Nature, beyond the

reach of my colleagues, has failed in rescuing from my pen, is

comprehended in these two articles--namely, bleeding and drenching.

Here you have the sum total of my philosophy; you are thoroughly

bottomed in medicine, and may raise yourself to the summit of fame on

the shoulders of my long experience. You may enter into partnership

at once, by keeping the books in the morning, and going out to visit

patients in the afternoon. While I dose the nobility and clergy, you

shall labor in your vocation among the lower orders; and when you

have felt your ground a little, I will get you admitted into our

body. You are a philosopher, Gil Blas, though you have never

graduated; the common herd of them, though they have graduated in due

form and order, are likely to run out the length of their tether

without knowing their right hand from their left.

I thanked the doctor for having so speedily enabled me to serve as

his deputy; and, by way of acknowledging his goodness, promised to

follow his system to the end of my career, with a magnanimous

indifference about the aphorisms of Hippocrates. But that engagement

was not to be taken to the letter. This tender attachment to water

went against the grain, and I had a scheme for drinking wine every

day snugly among the patients. I left off wearing my own suit a

second time, to take up one of my master's, and look like an

inveterate practitioner. After which I brought my medical theories

into play, leaving them to look to the event whom it might concern.

I began on an alguazil in a pleurisy; he was condemned to be bled

with the utmost rigor of the law, at the same time that the system

was to be replenished copiously with water. Next I made a lodgment

in the veins of a gouty pastry cook, who roared like a lion by reason

of gouty spasms. I stood on no more ceremony with his blood than

with that of the alguazil, and laid no restriction on his taste for

simple liquids. My prescriptions brought me in twelve rials; an

incident so auspicious in my professional career, that I only wished

for the plagues of Egypt on all the hale subjects of Valladolid. As

I was coming out of the pastry cook's whom should I meet but

Fabricio, a total stranger since the death of the licentiate Sédillo!

He looked at me with astonishment for some seconds; then set up a

laugh with all his might, and held his sides. He had no reason to be

grave, for I had a cloak trailing on the ground, with a doublet and

breeches of four times my natural dimensions. I was certainly a

complete original. I suffered him to make merry as long as he liked,

and could scarcely help joining in the ridicule; but I kept a guard

on my muscles to preserve a becoming dignity in public, and the

better to enact the physician, whose part in society is not that of a

buffoon. If the absurdity of my appearance excited Fabricio's

merriment, my affected gravity added zest to it; and when he had

nearly exhausted his lungs,--By all the powers, Gil Blas, quoth he,

thou art in complete masquerade. Who the devil has dressed you up in

this manner? Fair and softly, my friend, replied I, fair and softly,

be a little on your good behavior with a modern Hippocrates.

Understand me to be the substitute of Doctor Sangrado, the most

eminent physician in Valladolid. I have lived with him these three

weeks. He has bottomed me thoroughly in medicine; and, as he cannot

perform the obsequies of all the patients who send for him, I visit a

part of them to take the burden off his conscience. He does

execution in great families, I among the vulgar. Vastly well,

replied Fabricio; that is to say, he grants you a lease on the blood

of the commonalty, but keeps to himself the fee-simple of the

fashionable world. I wish you joy of your lot; it is a pleasanter

line of practice among the populace than among great folk. Long live

a snug connection in the suburbs! a man's mistakes are easily buried,

and his murders elude all but God's revenge. Yes, my brave boy, your

destiny is truly enviable; in the language of Alexander, were I not

Fabricio, I could wish to be Gil Blas.

To show the son of Nunez, the barber, that he was not much out in his

reckoning on my present happiness, I chinked the fees of the alguazil

and the pastry cook; and this was followed by an adjournment to a

tavern, to drink to their perfect recovery. The wine was very fair,

and my impatience for the well-known smack made me think it better

than it was. I took some good long draughts, and without gainsaying

the Latin oracle, in proportion as I poured it into its natural

reservoir, I felt my accommodating entrails to owe me no grudge for

the hard service into which I pressed them. As for Fabricio and

myself, we sat some time in the tavern, making merry at the expense

of our masters, as servants are too much accustomed to do. At last,

seeing the night approach, we parted, after engaging to meet at the

same place on the following day after dinner.

_CHAPTER IV._

_GIL BLAS GOES ON PRACTISING PHYSIC WITH EQUAL SUCCESS AND ABILITY.

ADVENTURE OF THE RECOVERED RING._

I was no sooner at home than Doctor Sangrado came in. I talked to

him about the patients I had seen, and paid into his hands eight

remaining rials of the twelve I had received for my prescriptions.

Eight rials! said he, as he counted them; mighty little for two

visits! But we must take things as we find them. In the spirit of

taking things as he found them, he laid violent hands on six, giving

me the other two,--Here, Gil Blas, continued he, see what a

foundation to build upon. I make over to you the fourth of all you

may bring me. You will soon feather your nest, my friend; for, by

the blessing of Providence, there will be a great deal of ill health

this year.

I had reason to be content with my dividend; since, having determined

to keep back the third part of what I received in my rounds, and

afterwards touching another fourth of the remainder, half of the

whole, if the arithmetic is any thing more than a deception, would

become my perquisite. This inspired me with new zeal for my

profession. The next day, as soon as I had dined, I resumed my

medical paraphernalia, and took the field once more. I visited

several patients on the list, and treated their several complaints in

one invariable routine. Hitherto things went on under the rose, and

no individual, thank Heaven, had risen up in rebellion against my

prescriptions. But let a physician's cures be as extraordinary as

they will, some quack or other is always ready to rip up his

reputation. I was called in to a grocer's son in a dropsy. Whom

should I find there before me but a little black looking physician,

by name Doctor Cuchillo, introduced by a relation of the family. I

bowed round most profoundly, but dipped lowest to the personage whom

I took to have been invited to a consultation with me. He returned

my compliment with a distant air; then, having stared me in the face

for a few seconds,--Signor Doctor, said he, I beg pardon for being

inquisitive, I thought I had been acquainted with all my brethren in

Vallodolid, but I confess your physiognomy is altogether new. You

must have been settled but a short time in town. I avowed myself a

young practitioner, acting as yet under the direction of Doctor

Sangrado. I wish you joy, replied he politely, you are studying

under a great man. You must doubtless have seen a vast deal of sound

practice, young as you appear to be. He spoke this with so easy an

assurance, that I was at a loss whether he meant it seriously, or was

laughing at me. While I was conning over my reply, the grocer,

seizing on the opportunity, said,--Gentlemen, I am persuaded of your

both being perfectly competent in your art; have the goodness without

ado to take the case in hand, and devise some effectual means for the

restoration of my son's health.

Thereupon the little pulse-counter set himself about reviewing the

patient's situation; and after having dilated to me on all the

symptoms, asked me what I thought the fittest method of treatment. I

am of opinion, replied I, that he should be bled once a day, and

drink as much warm water as he can swallow. At these words, our

diminutive doctor said to me, with a malicious simper,--And so you

think such a course will save the patient? Never doubt it, exclaimed

I, in a confident tone; it must produce that effect, because it is a

certain method of cure for all distempers. Ask Signor Sangrado. At

that rate, retorted he, Celsus is altogether in the wrong; for he

contends that the readiest way to cure a dropsical subject is to let

him almost die of hunger and thirst. O! as for Celsus, interrupted

I, he is no oracle of mine, as fallible as the meanest of us; I often

have occasion to bless myself for going contrary to his dogmas. I

discover by your language, said Cuchillo, the safe and sure method of

practice Doctor Sangrado instils into his pupils. Bleeding and

drenching are the extent of his resources. No wonder so many worthy

people are cut off under his direction.... No defamation!

interrupted I, with some acrimony; a member of the faculty had better

not begin throwing stones. Come, come, my learned doctor, patients

can get to the other world without bleeding and warm water; and I

question whether the most deadly of us has ever signed more passports

than yourself. If you have any crow to pluck with Signor Sangrado,

write against him, he will answer you, and we shall soon see who will

have the best of the battle. By all the saints in the calendar!

swore he, in a transport of passion, you little know whom you are

talking to. I have a tongue and a fist, my friend; and am not afraid

of Sangrado, who, with all his arrogance and affectation, is but a

ninny. The size of the little death-dealer made me hold his anger

cheap. I gave him a sharp retort; he sent back as good as I brought,

till at last we came to cuffs. We had pulled a few handfuls of hair

from each other's heads before the grocer and his kinsman could part

us. When they had brought this about, they feed me for my

attendance, and retained my antagonist, whom they thought the more

skilful of the two.

Another adventure succeeded close on the heels of this. I went to

see a huge chanter in a fever. As soon as he heard me talk of warm

water, he showed himself so averse to this specific, as to fall into

a fit of swearing. He abused me in all possible shapes, and

threatened to throw me out at window. I was in a greater hurry to

get out of his house than to get in. I did not choose to see any

more patients that day, and repaired to the inn where I had agreed to

meet Fabricio. He was there first. As we found ourselves in a

tippling humor, we drank hard, and returned to our employers in a

pretty pickle, that is to say, so-so in the upper story. Signor

Sangrado was not aware of my being drunk, because he took the lively

gestures which accompanied the relation of my quarrel with the little

doctor, for an effect of the agitation not yet subsided after the

battle. Besides, he came in for his share in my report; and feeling

himself nettled by Cuchillo,--You have done well, Gil Blas, said he,

to defend the character of our practice against this little abortion

of the faculty. So he takes upon him to set his face against watery

drenches in dropsical cases? An ignorant fellow! I maintain, I do,

in my own person, that the use of them may be reconciled to the best

theories. Yes, water is a cure for all sorts of dropsies, just as it

is good for rheumatisms and the green sickness. It is excellent,

too, in those fevers where the effect is at once to parch and to

chill, and even miraculous in those disorders ascribed to cold, thin,

phlegmatic, and pituitous humors. This opinion may appear strange to

young practitioners like Cuchillo; but it is right orthodox in the

best and soundest systems: so that if persons of that description

were capable of taking a philosophical view, instead of crying me

down, they would become my most zealous advocates.

In his rage, he never suspected me of drinking: for, to exasperate

him still more against the little doctor, I had thrown into my

recital some circumstances of my own addition. Yet, engrossed as he

was by what I had told him, he could not help taking notice that I

drank more water than usual that evening.

In fact, the wine had made me very thirsty. Any one but Sangrado

would have distrusted my being so very dry, as to swallow down glass

after glass: but as for him, he took it for granted, in the

simplicity of his heart, that I began to acquire a relish for aqueous

potations. Apparently Gil Blas, said he, with a gracious smile, you

have no longer such a dislike to water. As Heaven is my judge! you

quaff it off like nectar. It is no wonder, my friend, I was certain

you would take a liking to that liquor. Sir, replied I, there is a

tide in the affairs of men: with my present lights, I would give all

the wine in Valladolid for a pint of water. This answer delighted

the doctor, who would not lose so fine an opportunity of expatiating

on the excellence of water. He undertook to ring the changes once

more in its praise, not like a hireling pleader, but as an enthusiast

in the cause. A thousand times, exclaimed he, a thousand and a

thousand times of greater value, as being more innocent than our

modern taverns, were those baths of ages past, whither the people

went, not shamefully to squander their fortunes and expose their

lives by swilling themselves with wine, but assembled there for the

decent and economical amusement of drinking warm water. It is

difficult enough to admire the patriotic forecast of those ancient

politicians, who established places of public resort, where water was

dealt out gratis to all comers, and who confined wine to the shops of

the apothecaries, that its use might be prohibited, but under the

direction of physicians. What a stroke of wisdom! It is doubtless

to preserve the seeds of that antique frugality, emblematic of the

golden age, that persons are found to this day, like you and me, who

drink nothing but water, and are persuaded they possess a prevention

or a cure for every ailment, provided our warm water has never

boiled; for I have observed that water, when it has boiled, is

heavier, and sits less easily on the stomach.

While he was holding forth thus eloquently, I was in danger more than

once of splitting my sides with laughing. But I contrived to keep my

countenance: nay, more; to chime in with the doctor's theory. I

found fault with the use of wine, and pitied mankind for having

contracted an untoward relish to so pernicious a beverage. Then,

finding my thirst not sufficiently allayed, I filled a large goblet

with water, and after having swilled it like a horse: Come, sir, said

I to my master, let us drink plentifully of this beneficial liquor.

Let us make those early establishments of dilution you so much

regret, to live again in your house. He clapped his hands in ecstacy

at these words, and preached to me for a whole hour about suffering

no liquid but water to pass my lips. To confirm the habit, I

promised to drink a large quantity every evening; and, to keep my

word with less violence to my private inclinations, I went to bed

with a determined purpose of going to the tavern every day.

The trouble I had got into at the grocer's did not discourage me from

phlebotomizing and prescribing warm water in the usual course.

Coming out of a house where I had been visiting a poet in a frenzy, I

was accosted in the street by an old woman, who came up and asked me

if I was a physician. I said yes. As that is the case, I entreat

you with all humility to go along with me. My niece has been ill

since yesterday, and I cannot conceive what is the matter with her.

I followed the old lady to her house, where I was shown into a very

decent room, occupied by a female who kept her bed. I went near, to

consider her case. Her features struck me from the first; and I

discovered beyond the possibility of a mistake, after having looked

at her some little time, the she-adventurer, who had played the part

of Camilla so adroitly. For her part she did not seem to recollect

me at all, whether from the oppression of her disorder, or from my

dress as a physician rendering me not easy to be known again. I took

her by the hand, to feel her pulse; and saw my ring upon her finger.

I was all in a twitter at the discovery of a valuable, on which I had

a claim both in law and equity. Great was my longing to make a

snatch at it; but considering that these fair ones would set up a

great scream, and that Don Raphael or some other defender of injured

innocence might rush in to their rescue, I laid an embargo on my

privateering. I thought it best to come by my own in an honest way,

and to consult Fabricio about the means. To this last course I

stuck. In the mean time the old woman urged me to inform her with

what disease her niece was troubled. I was not fool enough to own my

ignorance; on the contrary, I took upon myself as a man of science,

and after my master's example, pronounced solemnly that the disorder

accrued to the patient from the defect of natural perspiration; that

consequently she must lose blood as soon as possible, because if we

could not open one pore, we always open another: and I finished my

prescription with warm water, to do the thing methodically.

I shortened my visit as much as possible, and ran to the son of

Nunez, whom I met just as he was going out on an errand for his

master. I told him my new adventure, and asked his advice about

laying an information against Camilla. Pooh! Nonsense! replied he;

that would not be the way to get your ring again. Those gentry think

restitution double trouble. Call to mind your imprisonment at

Astorga; your horse, your money, your very clothes, did not they all

centre in the hands of justice? We must rather set our wits to work

for the recovery of your diamond. I take on myself the charge of

inventing some stratagem for that purpose. I will deliberate on it

in my way to the hospital, where I have to say but two words from my

master to the purveyor. Do you wait for me at our house of call, and

do not be on the fret: I will be with you shortly.

I had waited, however, more than three hours at the appointed place,

when he arrived. I did not know him again at first. Besides that he

had changed his dress and platted his hair, a pair of false whiskers

covered half his face. He wore an immense sword with a hilt of at

least three feet in circumference, and marched at the head of five

men of as swaggering an air as himself, with bushy whiskers and long

rapiers. Good day to you, Signor Gil Blas, said he by way of

salutation; behold an alguazil upon a new construction, and

marshalmen of like materials in these brave fellows my companions.

We have only to be shown where the woman lodges who purloined the

diamond, and we will obtain restitution, take my word for it. I

hugged Fabricio at this discourse, which let me into the plot, and

testified loudly my approval of the expedient. I paid my respects

also to the masquerading marshalmen. They were three servants and

two journeymen barbers of his acquaintance, whom he had engaged to

act this farce. I ordered wine to be served round to the detachment,

and we all went together at nightfall to Camilla's residence. The

door was shut, and we knocked. The old woman, taking my companions

to be on the scent of justice, and knowing they would not come into

that neighborhood for nothing, was terribly frightened. Cheer up

again, good mother, said Fabricio; we are only come here upon a

little business which will be soon settled. At these words we made

our entry, and found our way to the sick chamber, under the guidance

of the old dowager who walked before us, and by favor of a wax taper

which she carried in a silver candlestick. I took the light, went to

the bed-side, and, making Camilla take particular notice of my

features, Traitress, said I, call to mind the too credulous Gil Blas

whom you have deceived. Ah! thou wickedness personified, at last I

have caught thee. The corregidor has taken down my deposition, and

ordered this alguazil to arrest you. Come, officer, said I to

Fabricio, do your duty. There is no need, replied he, swelling his

voice, to inflame my severity. The face of that wretch is not new to

me: she has long been marked with red letters in my pocket book. Get

up, my princess, dress your royal person with all possible despatch.

I will be your squire, and lodge you in durance vile, if you have no

objection.

At these words, Camilla, ill as she was, observing two marshalmen

with large whiskers ready to drag her out of bed by main force, sat

up of herself, clasped her hands in an attitude of supplication; and

looking at me ruefully, said, Signor Gil Blas, have compassion on me:

I call as a witness to my entreaties the chaste mother whose virtues

you inherit. Guilty as I am, my misfortunes are greater than my

crimes. I will give you back your diamond, so do not be my ruin.

Speaking to this effect, she drew my ring from her finger, and gave

it me back. But I told her my diamond was not enough, and that she

must refund the thousand ducats they had embezzled in the

ready-furnished lodging. O! as for your ducats, replied she, ask me

not about them. That false-hearted deceiver, Don Raphael, whom I

have not seen from that time to this, carried them off the very same

night. O, ho! my little darling, said Fabricio in his turn, that

will not do, you had a hand in the robbery, whether you went snacks

in the profit or no. You will not come off so cheaply. Your having

been accessary to Don Raphael's manœuvres is enough to render you

liable to an examination. Your past life is very equivocal; and you

must have a good deal upon your conscience. You will have the

goodness, if you please, just to step into the town jail, and there

unburden yourself by a general confession. This good old lady shall

keep you company: it is hard if she cannot tell a world of curious

stories, such as Mr. Corregidor will be delighted to hear.

The two women, at these words, brought every engine of pity into play

to soften us. They filled the air with cries, complaints, and

lamentations. While the old woman on her knees, sometimes to the

alguazil and sometimes to his attendants, endeavored to melt their

stubborn hearts, Camilla implored me, in the most touching terms, to

save her from the hands of justice. I pretended to relent. Officer,

said I to the son of Nunez, since I have got my diamond, I do not

much care about any thing else. It would be no pleasure to me to be

the means of pain to that poor woman; I want not the death of a

sinner. Out upon you, answered he, you set up for humanity! you

would make a bad tipstaff. I must do my errand. My positive orders

are to arrest these virgins of the sun; his honor the corregidor

means to make an example of them. Nay! for mercy's sake, replied I,

pay some little deference to my wishes, and slacken a little of your

severity, on the ground of the present these ladies are on the point

of offering to your acceptance. O! that is another matter, rejoined

he; that is what you may call a figure of rhetoric suited to all

capacities and all occasions. Well, then, let us see, what have they

to give me? I have a pearl necklace, said Camilla, and drop

ear-rings of considerable value. Yes; but interrupted he roughly, if

these articles are the produce of the Philippine Isles, I will have

none of them. You may take them in perfect safety, replied she: I

warrant them real. At the same time she made the old woman bring a

little box, whence she took out the necklace and ear-rings, which she

put within the grasp of this incorruptible minister. Though he was

much such a judge of jewelry as myself, he had no doubt of the drops

being real, as well as the pearls. These trinkets, said he, after

having looked at them minutely, seem to be of good quality and

fashion: and if the silver candlestick is thrown into the bargain, I

would not answer to my own honesty. You had better not, said I in my

turn to Camilla, for a trifle, reject so moderate and fair a

composition. While uttering these words, I returned the taper to the

old woman, and handed the candlestick over to Fabricio, who, stopping

there because perhaps he espied nothing else that was portable in the

room, said to the two women: Farewell, my dainty misses, set your

hearts at rest, I will report you to his worship the corregidor, as

purer than unsmutched snow. We can turn him round our finger; and

never tell him the truth, but when we are not paid for our lies.

_CHAPTER V._

_SEQUEL OF THE FOREGOING ADVENTURE. GIL BLAS RETIRES FROM PRACTICE,

AND FROM THE NEIGHBORHOOD OF VALLADOLID._

After having thus carried Fabricio's plan into effect, we took our

leave of Camilla's lodging, hugging ourselves on a success beyond our

expectation: for we had only reckoned on the ring. We carried off

without ceremony all we could get besides. Far from making it a

point of conscience not to steal from a description of ladies whose

names are commonly associated with rogues, we thought to cover some

scores of other sins by so meritorious an action. Gentlemen, said

Fabricio, when we were in the street, my counsel is for returning to

our tavern, and devoting the night to a regale. To-morrow we will

sell the candlestick, the necklace, the drop earrings, and then share

the prize money like brother adventurers, after which every man shall

tramp home again, and make the best excuse he can to his master. His

worship the alguazil's idea seemed equally bright and judicious. We

returned rank and file to the tavern, some in the pious hope of

finding a plausible excuse for having slept abroad, others in a

desperate indifference about being turned out of doors without a

character.

We ordered a good supper to be got ready, and sat down to table with

our physical and mental powers in full vigor. The relish was

heightened by a thousand pleasant anecdotes. Fabricio, of all men in

the world, having the happy knack of a chairman in a company of

jovial spirits, kept the table in a roar. There escaped from him I

know not how many charges of true Castilian wit, worth more either in

the schools of philosophy or the exchange of commerce than the drug

of Attic salt. While we were in a full peal of laughter, we were

made to laugh on the other side of our mouths by an unforeseen

occurrence. There appeared at table a man of no contemptible

prowess, followed by two other as ill-looking dogs as ever existed.

After this specimen we had three others, and reckoned up to a dozen,

marching in by triplets. They were armed with carbines, swords and

bayonets. We could not mistake their office, and were at no loss to

guess their business. At first we had a mind to be refractory; but

they beset us in an instant, and kept us under, as much by their

numbers as by their weapons. Gentlemen, said the captain commandant

in a jeering strain, I have been informed by what ingenious artifice

you have recovered a ring from the custody of a lady no better than

she should be. Undoubtedly, the device was admirable, and well

deserves a civic crown; the patriotism of our police will not be

found wanting. Justice, with her lodgings to let for gentry of your

description, will not be deficient in her acknowledgments for so

brilliant a display of genius. The company to whom this introductory

address was directed looked a little sheepish on the occasion. Our

countenances fell; and Camilla had her full revenge. Fabricio,

however, though pale and puzzled, made an attempt at a defence. Sir,

said he, we did it in the innocence of our hearts, and of course we

shall be forgiven this not immoral fraud? What the devil, replied

the commandant in a rage, do you call this not immoral fraud? Moral

or immoral, it may bring you to the gallows. Besides that the power

of restitution is too sacred to be assumed by the individual, you

have made away with a candlestick, a necklace, and a pair of drop

earrings: and what is worse, you have committed your rascalities in

the livery of the law. Scoundrels dressing themselves up like the

pillars of morality to undermine its very foundation! I shall wish

you much joy if you are condemned to nothing worse than mowing the

salt marsh. When we had impressed it on our convictions that the

affair was even more serious than our first fears, we threw ourselves

on his mercy, and implored him to have pity on our tender years, but

his stubborn heart was relentless. He rejected moreover the proposal

of relinquishing the necklace, ear-rings and candlestick; nay, he was

deaf to the rhetoric of my ring: perhaps because I offered it before

too many witnesses: in short, he was the most obdurate dog of his

kennel. He ordered my companions to be handcuffed, and sent us in a

body to the public prison. As we were on our way, one of the

marshalmen acquainted me that Camilla's old vixen, suspecting us not

to be licensed scouts of justice, had dogged us to the tavern; and

having satisfied her doubts, in revenge informed against us to the

patrol.

We were searched in the first instance. Away went the necklace, the

ear-rings, and the candlestick. They picked my pocket of my ring,

and my ruby of the Philippine Isles; without even sparing the few

fees I had received in the forenoon for my prescriptions: so that it

was plain, trade was carried on by the same firm at Valladolid as at

Astorga, and that all these reformers held the same creed. While

they rifled me of my trinkets and money, the lord in waiting of the

patrol made known our adventure to the inferior agents of legal

rapine. The trespass appeared so audacious that the majority voted

it capital. A few kind souls were of opinion that we might come off

for two hundred lashes a piece, with a few years on board the

galleys. Waiting his worship's sentence, we were locked up in a

cell, where we lay upon straw, spread over our stable like a litter

for horses. There might we have foddered for an age, and at last

have been turned out to grass in the galleys, if on the morrow Signor

Manuel Ordonnez had not got wind of our affair, and determined to

release Fabricio; which he could not do without making a general gaol

delivery. He was a man of the first credit in the town: his interest

was exerted for us, and partly by his own influence, and partly by

that of his friends, he obtained our enlargement at the end of three

days. But the period of delivery is always moulting time with gaol

birds; the candlestick, the necklace, the ear-rings, my ring, and the

ruby, all were left behind. One could not help repeating those

excellent lines of Virgil, beginning with _Sic vos non vobis_.

As soon as we were at liberty, we returned to our masters. Doctor

Sangrado received me kindly. My poor Gil Blas, said he, it was but

this morning I was acquainted with thy misfortune. I was just

setting about an active canvass for thee. We must derive comfort

from adversity, my friend, and attach ourselves more than ever to the

practice of physic. I affirmed that to be my intention; and, in

truth, I laid about me. Far from wanting employment, it happened by

a kind providence, as my master had foretold, to be a very sickly

season. The smallpox, and a very malignant fever, took alternate

possession of the town and the suburbs. All the physicians in

Valladolid had their share of business, and we not the least. We saw

eight or ten patients a day; so that the kettle was kept on the

simmer, and the blood in the action of transpiring. But things will

happen cross; they died to a man, either by our fault or their own.

If their case was hopeless, we were not to blame; and if it was not

hopeless, they were. Three visits to a patient was the length of our

tether. About the second, we sometimes ran foul of the undertaker;

or when we had been more fortunate than usual, the patient had got no

further than the point of death. As I was but a young physician, not

yet hardened to the trade of an assassin, I grieved over the

melancholy issue of my own theory and practice. Sir, said I, one

evening to Doctor Sangrado, I call Heaven to witness on the spot that

I have never strayed from your infallible method; and yet I have

never saved a patient: one would think they died out of spite, and

were on the other side of the great medical question. This very day

I came across two of them, going into the country to be buried. My

good lad, replied he, my experience nearly comes to the same point.

It is but seldom I have the pleasure of curing my kind and partial

friends. If I had less confidence in my principles, I should think

my prescriptions had set their faces against the work they were

intended to perform. If you will take a hint, sir, replied I, we had

better vary our system. Let us give, by way of experiment, chemical

preparations to our patients: the worst they can do is to tread in

the steps of our pure dilutions and our phlebotomizing evacuations.

I would willingly give it a trial, rejoined he, if it were a matter

of indifference, but I have published on the practice of bleeding and

the use of drenches: would you have me cut the throat of my own fame

as an author! O, you are in the right, resumed I; our enemies must

not gain this triumph over us; they would say that you were out of

conceit with your own systems, and would ruin your reputation for

inconsistency. Perish the people, perish rather our nobility and

clergy! But let us go on in the old path. After all, our brethern

of the faculty, with all their tenderness about bleeding, have no

patent for longevity any more than ourselves; and we may set off

their drugs against our specifics.

We went on working double tides; and did so much execution, that in

less than six weeks we made as many widows and orphans as the siege

of Troy. The plague must have got into Valladolid by the number of

funerals. Day after day came some father or other to know what was

become of his son, who was last seen in our hands; or else a stupid

fellow of an uncle, who had a foolish hankering after a deceased

nephew. With respect to the nephews and sons, on whose uncles and

fathers we had equalized our system of destruction, they thought that

least said was soonest mended. Husbands were altogether on their

good behavior--they would not split a hair about the loss of a wife

or two. The real sufferers to whose reproaches we were exposed, were

sometimes quite savage in their grief; without being mealy-mouthed in

their expressions, they called us blockheads and assassins. I was

concerned at their bad language; but my master, who was up to every

circumstance, listened to their abuse with the utmost indifference.

Yet I might have grown as callous as himself to popular reproach, if

heaven, interposing its shield between the invalids of Valladolid and

one of their scourges, had not providentially raised up an incident

to disgust me with medicine, which from the outset had been disgusted

with me.

The idle fellows about town assembled every day in our neighborhood

for a game at tennis. Among the number was one of those professed

bullies who set up for great Dons, and are the complete cocks of the

tennis court. He was a Biscayan, and assumed the title of Don

Roderic de Mondragon. His age might be about thirty. His size was

somewhat above the common, but he was lean and bony. Besides two

sparkling little eyes rolling about in his head, and throwing out

defiance against all bystanders, a very broad nose came in between a

pair of red whiskers, which turned up like a hook as high as the

temples. His phraseology was so rough and uncouth that the very

sound of his voice would throw a quiet man into an ague. This tyrant

over both the rackets and the game was lord paramount in all disputes

between the players; and there was no appeal from his decisions, but

at the risk of receiving a challenge the next day. Precisely as I

have drawn Signor Don Roderic, whom the Don in the foreground of his

titles could never make a gentleman, Signor Don Roderic was sweet

upon the mistress of the tennis-court. She was a woman of forty, in

good circumstances, as charming as forty can well be, just entering

on the second year of her widowhood. I know not how he made himself

agreeable; certainly not by his exterior recommendations, but

probably by that within which passeth show. However that might be,

she took a fancy to him, and began to turn her thoughts towards the

holy state of matrimony; but while that great event was in agitation,

for the punishment of her sins, she was taken with a malignant fever,

and with me for a physician. Had the disorder been ever so slight,

my practice would have made a serious job of it. At the expiration

of four days, there was not a dry eye in the tennis-court. The

mistress joined the outward-bound colony of my patients, and her

family administered to her effects. Don Roderic, distracted at the

loss of his mistress, or rather disappointed of a good establishment,

was not satisfied with fretting and fuming at me, but swore he would

run me through the body, or even frown me into a non-entity. A

good-natured neighbor apprised me of this vow, with a caution to keep

at home, for fear of coming across this devil of a fellow. This

warning, though taken in good part, was a source of anxiety and

apprehension. I was eternally fancying the enraged Biscayan laying

siege to the outworks of my citadel. There was no getting a moment's

respite from alarm. This circumstance weaned me from the practice of

medicine, and I thought of nothing but deliverance from my horrors.

On went my embroidered suit once more. Taking leave of my master,

who did all he could to detain me, I got out of town with the dawn,

not heedless of that terrible Don Roderic, who might waylay me on the

road.

_CHAPTER VI._

_HIS ROUTE FROM VALLADOLID, WITH A DESCRIPTION OF HIS

FELLOW-TRAVELLER._

I trudged on at a great rate, and looked behind from time to time, to

see if that dreadful Biscayan was not following me. My imagination

was so engrossed by the fellow that he haunted me in every tree and

bush; my heart was in my mouth for fear at every foot-fall. But I

took courage again at the distance of about a league, and went on

more gently towards Madrid, whither I proposed directing my steps. I

had no attachment to Valladolid. All my regret was at tearing myself

from Fabricio, my dear Pylades, of whom I had not so much as taken my

leave. It was no grievance to give up physic; on the contrary, I

prayed Heaven to forgive me for having tampered with it. Yet I did

not count over the contents of my purse with less pleasure, because

they were the wages of murder. In this I took after those ladies who

retire with a fortune to lead pious lives, and think it hard if they

may not fatten religiously on the hard earnings of their libertine

profession. I had, in rials, somewhere about the value of five

ducats; and this was the sum-total of my property. With these I

designed repairing to Madrid, where I had no doubt of finding a good

service. Besides, I wished above all things to be in that

magnificent city, the boasted epitome of the world and all its

wonders.

While I was recollecting what I had heard of it, and enjoying

beforehand the pleasures it affords, I heard the voice of a man

coming after me, and singing till he had scraped his throat. He had

a wallet on his back, a guitar suspended from his neck, and a long

sword by his side. He got on at such a rate, as soon to overtake me.

Who should it be but one of the two journeymen barbers with whom I

had been in gaol for the adventure of the ring. We knew one another

at once, though we had shifted our dresses, and were in a thousand

marvels at meeting so unexpectedly on the highway. If I testified my

delight at having such a fellow-traveller, he seemed on his side to

feel an excess of rapture at the renewal of our acquaintance. I told

him why I had left Valladolid, and he trusted his own secret to me in

return, by stating himself to have had a little brush with his

master, on which they had taken an everlasting leave of one another.

Had it been my pleasure, continued he, to have taken up my abode

longer in Valladolid, ten shops would take me in for one that would

have turned me out; since, vanity apart, I may safely say there is

not a barber in all Spain better qualified to shave all sorts of

beards, with the grain or against the grain, and to curl a pair of

whiskers. But I could no longer fight against a hankering after my

native place, whence I departed full ten years since. I wish to

inhale a little of my own country air, and to learn the present

situation of my family, I shall be among them the day after

to-morrow, at a place called Olmédo, a populous village on this side

of Segovia.

I resolved on accompanying this barber home, and going to Segovia for

the chance of a cast to Madrid. We began entertaining one another

with indifferent subjects as we went along. The young fellow was

perfectly good-humored, with a ready wit. After an hour's

conversation, he asked me if I was hungry. I referred him to the

first house of call for my answer. To stop dilapidations till we get

there, said he, we may renew our term by a little breakfast from my

wallet. When I am on a journey I am always my own caterer. None of

your woollen drapery, nor linen drapery, nor any of your frippery or

trumpery. I hate ostentation. My wallet contains nothing but a

little exercise for my grinders, my razors, and a wash-ball. I

extolled his discretion, and agreed with all my heart to the bargain

he proposed. My appetite was keen and sharp-set for a comfortable

meal; after what he had said, I could expect no less. We drew aside

a little from the high road, and sat down upon the grass. There my

little journeyman barber laid out his provisions, consisting of five

or six onions, with some scraps of bread and cheese; but the best lot

in the auction was a little leathern bottle, full, as he said, of

choice, delicate wine. Though the solids were not very relishing,

the calls of hunger did not allow either of us to be dainty; and we

emptied the bottle too, containing about two pints of a wine one

could not recommend without some remorse of conscience. We then rose

from table, and set out again on the tramp in high glee. The barber,

who had heard some little snatches of my story from Fabricio,

entreated me to furnish him with the whole from the best authority.

It was impossible to refuse so munificent an host; I therefore gave

him the satisfaction he required. In my turn I called on him, as an

acknowledgment of my frankness, to communicate the leading

circumstances of his terrestrial peregrinations. O! as for my

adventures, exclaimed he, they are scarcely worth recording----a mere

catalogue of common occurrences. Nevertheless, since we have nothing

else to do, I will run over the narrative, such as it is. At the

same time he entered on the recital, nearly in the following terms.

_CHAPTER VII._

_THE JOURNEYMAN BARBER'S STORY._

I take up my tale from the origin of things. My grandfather,

Ferdinand Perez de la Fuenta, barber-general to the village of Olmédo

for fifty years, died, leaving four sons. The eldest, Nicholas,

succeeded to the shop, and lathered himself into the good graces of

the customers. Bertrand, the next, having taken a fancy to trade,

set up for a mercer; and Thomas, who was the third, turned

schoolmaster. As for the fourth, by name Pedro, feeling within

himself the high destinies of learning, he sold a dirty acre or two

which fell to his share, and went to settle at Madrid, where he hoped

one day to distinguish himself by his genius and erudition. The

other three brothers would not part; they fixed their quarters at

Olmédo, marrying peasants' daughters, who brought their husbands very

little dowry, except an annual present of a chopping young rustic.

They had a most public-spirited emulation in child-bearing. My

mother, the barber's wife, favored the World with a contribution of

six within the first five years of her marriage. I was among the

number. My father initiated me betimes in the mysteries of shaving;

and when he saw me grown up to the age of fifteen, laid this wallet

across my shoulders, presented me with a long sword, and said Go,

Diego, you are now qualified to gain your own livelihood; go and

travel about. You want a little acquaintance with the world to give

you a polish, and improve you in your art. Off with you! and do not

return to Olmédo till you have made the tour of Spain, nor let me

hear of you till that is accomplished. Finishing with this

injunction, he embraced me with fatherly affection, and shoved me out

of doors by the shoulders.

Such were the parting benedictions of my sire. As for my mother, who

had more the touch of nature in her manners, she seemed to feel

somewhat at my departure. She dropped a few tears, and even slipped

a ducat by stealth into my hand. Thus was I sent from Olmédo into

the wide world, and took the road of Segovia. I did not go two

hundred yards without stopping to examine my bag. I had a mind to

view its contents, and to know the precise amount of my possessions.

There I found a case with two razors, which must have travelled post

over the chins of ten generations, by the evidence of their wear and

tear, with a strap to set them, and a bit of soap. In addition to

this, a coarse shirt quite new, a pair of my father's shoes quite

old, and what rejoiced me more than all the rest, a rouleau of twenty

rials in a linen bag. Behold the sum-total of my personals. You may

conclude master Nicholas, the barber, to have reckoned a good deal on

my ingenuity, by his turning me adrift with so slender a provision.

Yet a ducat and twenty rials, by way of fortune, was enough to turn

the head of a young man unaccustomed to money concerns. I fancied my

stock of cash inexhaustible; and pursued my journey in the sunshine

of brilliant anticipation, looking from time to time at the hilt of

my rapier, while the blade was striking against the calf of my leg at

every step, or tripping up my heels.

In the evening I reached the village of Ataquinés with a very

catholic stomach. I put up at the inn; and, as if I meant to spend

freely, asked, in a lofty tone, what there was for supper. The

landlord examined my pretensions with his eye, and finding according

to what cloth my coat was cut, said with true publican's civility,

Yes, yes, my worthy master, you shall have no reason to complain; we

will treat you like a lord. With this assurance, he showed me into a

little room, whither he brought me, a quarter of an hour afterwards,

a ragout made of a great he cat, on which I feasted with as famous an

appetite as if it had been hare or rabbit. This excellent dish was

washed down by so choice a wine, that the king had no better in his

cellars. I found out, however, that it was pricked; but that was no

hindrance to my doing it as much honor as the he cat. The last

article in this entertainment for a lord was a bed better adapted to

drive sleep away than to invite it. Figure it to yourself about the

width of a coffin, and so short that I could not stretch my legs,

though none of the longest. Besides, there was neither mattress nor

feather bed, but merely a little straw sewed up in a sheet folded

double, which was laid down clean for every hundredth traveller, and

served the other ninety-nine, one after another, without washing.

Nevertheless, in such a bed, with a stomach distended to a surfeit by

fricaseed cat, and then raked by sour wine, thanks to youth and a

good constitution, I slept soundly, and passed the night without

being disturbed.

On the following day, when I had breakfasted, and paid the reckoning,

as I had been treated like a lord, I made but one stage to Segovia.

On my arrival, I had the good fortune to find a shop, where they took

me in for my board and lodging; but I staid there only six months; a

journeyman barber, with whom I got acquainted, was going to Madrid,

and drew me in to set off with him. I had no difficulty in procuring

a situation on the same footing as at Segovia. I got into a shop of

the very best custom. It is true, it was near the church of the Holy

Cross, and that the neighborhood of the Prince's Theatre brought a

great deal of business. My master, two stirring fellows and myself,

could scarcely lather the chins of the people who came to be shaved.

They were of all trades and conditions; among the rest, players and

authors. One day, two persons of the last description happened to

meet. They began conversing about the poets and pieces in vogue,

when one of them mentioned my uncle's name: a circumstance which drew

my attention more particularly to their discourse. Don Juan de

Zavaleta, said one, will never do any good as an author. A man of a

cold genius, without a spark of fancy! he has written himself down at

a terrible rate by his last publication. And Louis Velez de Guevara,

said the other, what has he done? A fine work to bring before the

public! Was there ever any thing so wretched? They mentioned, I

know not how many poets besides, whose names I have forgotten: I only

recollect that they said no good of them. As for my uncle, they made

a more honorable mention of him, agreeing that he was a personage of

merit. Yes, said one, Don Pedro de la Fuenta is an excellent author;

there is a sly humor in his compositions, blended with solid sense,

which communicates an attic poignancy to their general effect. I am

not surprised at his popularity, both in court and city, nor at the

pensions settled on him by the great. For many years past, said the

other, he has enjoyed a very large income. He lives at the Duke de

Medina Celi's table, and has an apartment in his house, so that he is

at no expense; he must be very well in the world.

I lost not a syllable of what these poets were saying about my uncle.

We had learned in the family, that he made a noise in Madrid by his

works; some travellers, passing through Olmédo, had told us so; but

as he took no notice of us, and seemed to have weaned himself from

all natural ties, we on our side lived in a state of perfect

indifference about him. Yet nature will prevail: as soon as I had

heard that he was in a fair way, and had learned where he lived, I

was tempted to go and call upon him. One thing staggered me a

little; the literati had styled him Don Pédro. This don was an

awkward circumstance: I had my doubts whether he might not be some

other poet of the name, and not my uncle. Yet that apprehension did

not damp my ardor. I thought he might have been ennobled for his

wit, and determined to pay him a visit. For this purpose, with my

master's leave, I tricked myself out one morning as well as I could,

and sallied from our shop, a little proud of being nephew to a man

who had gained so high a character by his genius. Barbers are not

the most diffident people in the world. I began to conceive no mean

opinion of myself; and riding the high horse with all the arrogance

of greatness, enquired my way to the Duke de Medina Celi's palace. I

rang at the gate, and said, I wanted to speak with Signor Don Pédro

de la Fuenta. The porter pointed with his finger to a narrow

staircase at the fag end of the court, and answered,--Go up there,

then knock at the first door on your right. I did as he directed me;

and knocked at a door. It was opened by a young man, whom I asked if

those were the apartments of Signor Don Pédro de la Fuenta. Yes,

answered he, but you cannot speak to him at present. I should be

very glad, said I, just to say, How are you? I bring him news of his

family. And you brought him news of the pope, replied he, I could

not introduce you just now. He is writing, and while his wits are at

work, he must not be disturbed. He will not be able to receive

company till noon; take a turn, and come back about that time.

I departed, and walked about town all the morning, incessantly

meditating on the reception my uncle would give me. I think, said I

within myself, he will be overjoyed to see me. I measured his

feelings by my own, and prepared myself for a very affecting

discovery. I returned punctually to the appointed hour. You are

just in time, said the servant; my master was going out. Wait here a

moment: I will announce you. With these words, he left me in the

ante-chamber. He returned almost immediately, and showed me into his

master's room. The face struck me all at once as a family likeness.

To be sure he was the very image of my uncle Thomas; they might have

been taken for twins. I bowed down to the ground, and introduced

myself as the son of Master Nicholas de la Fuenta, the barber of

Olmédo. I likewise informed him, that I had been working at my

father's trade in Madrid, for these three weeks, as a journeyman, and

intended making the tour of Spain to complete my education. While I

was speaking, my uncle was evidently in a brown study. He seemed to

doubt whether he should disown me at once, or get rid of me with some

little sacrifice to decency. The latter course he adopted.

Affecting the affable: Well, my good kinsman, how are your father and

your uncles? Do they get on in the world? I began thereupon by

laying before him the family knack at propagation. All the children,

male and female, called over by their names, with their godfathers

and godmothers included in the list! He took no extravagant interest

in the particulars of my tale; but, leading to his own purposes,

Diego, replied he, I am quite of your mind. You should go from place

to place, and see a variety of practice. I would not have you tarry

longer at Madrid: it is a very dangerous residence for youth; you may

get into bad habits, my sweet fellow. Other towns will suit you

better; the state of society in the provinces is more patriarchal and

philosophical. Determine on emigration; and when your departure is

fixed, come and take your leave. I will contribute a pistole to the

tour of Spain. With this kind assurance, he handed me out of the

room, and sent me packing.

I had not worldly wisdom enough to find out that he wanted to get

quit of me. I went back to our shop, and gave my master an account

of the visit I had paid. He looked no deeper than myself into Signor

Don Pédro's motives, and observed: I cannot help differing from your

worthy uncle, so far from advising you to travel the provinces, the

real thing would be, in my opinion, to give you a comfortable

settlement in this city. He is hand-and-glove with the first people;

it is an easy matter for him to establish you in a great family; and

that is a fortune at once. Struck with this lucky discovery, which

seemed to settle the point without difficulty, I called on my uncle

again two days afterwards, and made a modest proposal to him for a

situation about some leading character at court. But the hint was

not taken kindly. A proud man, living at free quarters among the

great, and dining with them in a family party, did not exactly wish

that, while he was sitting at my lord's table, his nephew should be a

guest in the servants' hall. Little Diego might bring a scandal on

Signor Don Pédro. He had no hesitation, therefore, in fairly turning

me out of doors, and that with a flea in my ear. What, you little

rascal! said he, in a fit of extravagance, do you mean to relinquish

your calling? Begone, I consign you to the reptile whose pernicious

counsels will be your ruin. Take your leave of these premises, and

never set your foot on them again, or you shall have the reception

you deserve! I was absolutely stunned at this language, and still

more at the peremptory tone my uncle assumed. With tears in my eyes

I withdrew, quite overcome by his severity. Yet, as I had always

been lively and confident in my temper, I soon wiped away my tears.

My grief was even turned into resentment, and I determined to take no

further notice of this unnatural relative, whose kind offices I had

hitherto been contented to want.

My attention was henceforth directed to the cultivation of my

professional talent; I was quite a plodding fellow at my trade. I

scraped away all day; and in the evening, by way of relief to my

scraping, I twanged the guitar. My master on that instrument was an

old _Senor Escudero_ whom I shaved. He taught me music in return;

and he was an adept. To be sure he had formerly been a chorister in

a cathedral. His name was Marcos de Obregon. He was a man of the

world, with good natural parts and acquired knowledge, which jointly

induced him to fix on me as an adopted son. He was engaged as an

attendant on a physician's lady, resident within thirty yards of our

house. I went to him in the evening, when shop was shut, and we two,

sitting on the threshold of the door, made up a little concert not

displeasing to the neighborhood. It was not that our voices were

very fine; but in thrumming on the catgut, we made a pretty regular

accompaniment to our duet, and filled up the harmony sufficiently for

the gratification of our hearers. Our music was particularly

agreeable to Donna Mergelina, the physician's wife; she came into the

passage to hear us, and sometimes encored us in her favorite airs.

Her husband did not interfere with her amusement. Though a Spaniard

and in years, he was not possessed with jealousy; besides, his

profession took up all his time; and as he came home in the evening,

worn out with his numerous visits, he went to bed at an early hour,

without troubling himself about his wife or our concerts. Possibly,

if he thought about them at all, he might consider them as little

likely to produce dangerous consequences. He had an additional

security in his wife. Mergelina was young and handsome with a

witness; but of so fierce a modesty, that she started at the very

shadow of a man. How could he take umbrage at an amusement of so

harmless and decorous a nature? He gave us leave to sing our hearts

out.

One evening, as I came to the physician's door, intending to take my

usual recreation, I found the old squire waiting for me. He took me

by the hand: saying that he wished to take a little walk with me,

before we struck up our little concert. At the same time he drew me

aside into a by-street, where, finding an opportunity of opening his

mind: Diego, my good lad, said he with a melancholy air, I want to

give you a hint in private. I much fear, my good and amiable youth,

that we shall both have reason to repent of beguiling our evenings

with little musical parties at my master's door. Rely on my sincere

friendship: I do not grudge your lessons in singing and on the

guitar; but if I could have foreseen the storm now brewing, in the

name of charity, I would have selected some other spot to communicate

my instructions! This address alarmed me. I entreated the gentle

squire to be more explicit, and to tell me what we had to fear; for I

was no Hector, and the tour of Spain was not yet finished. I will

relate to you, replied he, what it concerns you to know, that you may

take proper measure of our present danger.

When I got into the service of the physician, about a year ago, he

said one morning, after having introduced me to his wife: There,

Marcos, you see your mistress; that is the lady you are to accompany

in all her peregrinations. I was smitten with Donna Mergelina: she

was lovely in the extreme, a model for an artist, and her principal

attraction was the pleasantness of her deportment. Honored sir,

replied I to the physician, it is too great a happiness to be in the

train of so charming a lady. My answer was taken amiss by Mergelina,

who said rather crustily, A pleasant gentleman this! He is perfectly

free and easy. Believe me, his fine speeches may go a begging for

me! These words, dropped from such lovely lips, seemed rather

inconsistent; the manners and ideas of bumpkins and dairy-maids

coupled with all the graces of the most lovely woman in the world!

As for her husband, he was used to her ways; and, hugging himself on

the unrivalled character of his rib, Marcos, said he, my wife is a

miracle of chastity. Then, observing her put on her veil, and make

herself ready to go to mass, he told me to attend on her at church.

We were no sooner in the street than we met, and it was no wonder,

blades who, struck with Donna Mergelina's genteel carriage, told her

a thousand flattering tales as they passed by. She was not backward

in her answers; but silly and ill-timed, beyond what you can

conceive. They were all in amaze, and could not imagine how a woman

should take it amiss to be complimented. Why really! madam, said I

to her at first, you had better be silent, or shut your ears to their

addresses, than reply with asperity. No, no, replied she: I will

teach these coxcombs that I am not a woman to put up with

impertinence. In short, her absurdity went so far, that I could not

help telling her my mind, at the hazard of her displeasure. I gave

her to understand, yet with the greatest possible caution, that she

was unjust to nature, whose handiwork she marred by her preposterous

ferocity; that a woman of mild and polished manners might inspire

love without the aid of beauty; whereas the loveliest of the sex,

divested of female softness, was in danger of becoming the public

scorn. To this ratiocination, I added collateral arguments, always

directed to the amendment of her manners. After having moralized to

no purpose, I was afraid my freedom might exasperate my mistress, and

draw upon me some taunting repartee. Nevertheless, she did not

mutiny against my advice; but silently rendered it of no avail, and

thus we went on from day to day.

I was weary of pointing out her errors to no purpose, and gave her up

to the ferocious temperament of her nature. Yet, could you think it?

the savage humor of that proud woman is entirely changed within these

two months. She has a kind word for all the world, and manners the

most accommodating. It is no longer the same Mergelina who gave such

homely answers to the compliments of her swains: she is become

assailable by flattery; loves to be told she is handsome, that a man

cannot look at her without paying for it: her ears itch for fine

speeches, and she is become a very woman. Such a change is almost

inconceivable: and the best of the joke is, that you are the worker

of this unparalleled miracle. Yes, my dear Diego, it is you who have

transformed Donna Mergelina; you have softened down the tigress into

a domestic animal; in a word, you have made her feel. I have

observed it more than once; and never trust my knowledge of the sex,

if she is not desperately in love with you. Such, my dear boy, is

the melancholy news I have to communicate--the awkward predicament in

which we stand.

I do not see, said I in my turn to the old man, that there is any

thing so melancholy in this accident, or any peculiar awkwardness in

being the object of a pretty woman's partiality. Ah! Diego, replied

he, you argue like a young man: you only see the bait, without

guarding against the hook: pleasure is your lure; while my thoughts

are directed to the unpleasant circumstances attending it. Murder

will out. If you go on singing at our door, you will provoke

Mergelina's passion; and she, probably, losing all command over

herself, will betray her weakness to her husband, Doctor Oloroso.

That wretched husband, so complying now that he thinks there is no

ground for jealousy, will run wild, take signal vengeance upon her,

and perhaps play some dog's trick or other to you and me. Well,

then! rejoined I, your reasons shall be conclusive with me, and your

sage counsels my rule. Lay down the line of conduct I am to adopt,

for the prevention of any left-handed catastrophe. We will have no

more concerts, was his peremptory decree. Do not show yourself any

more to my mistress: when the sight of you does not inflame her, she

will recover her composure. Stay within doors: I will call in upon

you, and we will torture the guitar with impunity. With all my

heart, said I, and I will never set my foot again in your premises.

In good truth, I was determined to serenade no longer before the

physician's door, but henceforth to keep within the precincts of my

shop, since my attractions as a man were so formidable.