"Wal," ses I, "wen I was a boy, an went to school the six weeks I speak
of, there was a boy in my class who could beat me a spellin an readin,
an in eenamost everything, but I could lick him jest as easy as I could
whistle. He hadn't eny more spunk, or pluck, or courage than a sick
kitten, an mighty little genewine common sense. His father, however,
sent him to college, an the fust thing I heerd of him, the papers were
callin him a larned man, an he ain't done enything ever sence but to
blab at Abolishin meetins an make Abolishin speeches. Now," ses I,
"that's wat I call an edicated fool. Jest like the larned pig, he can
do wat he larns to do or sees done; but as for real common sense to
tell wether a thing is rite or rong, he ain't worth eny more for it
than a bull-dog is to catch rats."
Sumnure looked kinder streaked wen I sed this, but I didn't say a word,
an jest here the Kernel, who had been down stairs to get his boot-jack,
cum in. Ses he, "Good mornin, Mr. Sumnure. I'll bet you one of Chase's
greenbacks," ses he, "that you can't tell why this boot-jack is like
an offis-seeker." Sumnure sed he couldn't. "Wal," ses the Kernel,
"because it sticks close to the heels of the Presidint."
I telled the Kernel how that Sumnure sed that the Messige warn't
grammatikal. "Wal," ses he, "I beleeve everything goes rong sence I
became Presidint. The country is upside down; the niggers are more
trubbul than ever before; the white men are cuttin one another's
throats, an it seems as if Bedlam was let loose; an now the grammer has
been violated, they say. Wal, I wonder wat on arth I am fit for. I
never succeeded well in flat-botein; I allers had poor craps wen I
tried to be a farmer; I was too tall to split rails handy; and, as a
lawyer, I warn't enything more than from poor to middlin. Ef I can't be
Presidint, I don't see wat on arth I was made for."
"Wal," ses I, "Kernel, perhaps you are like the old Quaker's dog." Ses
he, "How was that, Majer?" "Wal," ses I, "I'll tell you the story. Up in
Maine, not far from Downingville, there used to live an old Quaker
named Hezekiah Peabody. He had a yaller dog that was allus loungin
around the house. One day Sol Hopkins, a rough old feller, cum along,
an ses he, 'Mr. Peabody, I want a dog to hunt foxes. Do you think your
dog is good for foxes?' 'Now,' ses the Quaker, 'neighbor Solomon, I
never tried the dog on foxes for the huntin of any animals is not my
business; but if thee wishes a dog for foxes, accordin to the
Scripters, this dog must be a good dog for foxes.' 'Wal, will you
warrant him a good dog for foxes?' 'I cannot do that, neighbor Solomon,
for I never tried him on foxes; but, accordin to the Scripters, thee
can be sure the dog is good for foxes.' So old Sol, thinkin that
Scripter proof must be good, give the Quaker five dollars for the dog.
He took him hum, an the next day he saw a fox runnin across one of his
lots. So he called the dog an showed him the fox, but he wouldn't stir
an inch after him. This made old Sol terribul mad, an the next day he
took the dog back to the Quaker, an ses he, in his rough way: 'Mr.
Peabody, this dog is not worth a dam!' 'Tut, tut, neighbor Solomon,
thee shouldn't speak profanely with thy lips.' 'That may be,' ses old
Sol, 'but didn't you tell me that this dog was good for foxes.' 'No,
neighbor Solomon, I think not. I said accordin to Scripters he _must_
be good for foxes.' 'Wal,' ses old Sol, 'how do you make that out?'
'Wal, neighbor, the Scripters say, "that there is nothin made in vain,"
_an as I had tried that dog on everything else except fox-huntin, I
thought that that must be what he was made for_!' "Now," ses I, "Kernel,
I hope it won't turn out that you are like the old Quaker's dog, 'made
in vain,' or, as old Sol. Hopkins expressed it, 'not worth a d----!'
but," ses I, "ef you don't restore this Union before your term expires,
the people will think that you were a good deal worse than the Quaker's
dog, for if he warn't good for enything, he didn't do any particular
harm."
The Kernel didn't seem to like this story much, for ses he, "Majer, I
think you are getin kinder personel." Ses I, "No, Kernel; I don't mean
to be, but you know stories sometimes will fit closer than you think
for when you begin to tell 'em."
Jest here Seward cum in, an with his church-yard smile, ses he, "Good
mornin, Mr. President. I've got good news from England. There won't be
any intervenshin now, an the rebellyun will all be over in 60 days. My
friend Weed thinks so, too."
"What's up, Boss?" ses Linkin. That's the name he calls Seward by.
"Oh," ses he, rubbin his hands, "don't you see by the papers what a
large amount of money the merchants in York are subscribin for the
poor, patient, starving English workmen. God bless 'em." Here Seward
drew a deep sigh, and then ses he, "It will produce such a good effect
in England! Intervenshin is dead. The rebellyun is crushed, an all by
this grand an noble idee of mine to feed the starvin poor. What
filanthropy will do, when it is done right!" An here Seward commenced
rubbin his hands an walkin about the room, an actin like a gal that is
jest goin to get married. I didn't say enything, an the Kernel didn't
say enything either, an it warn't a minut afore Seward dodged out of
the door as quick as he cum in. After he hed gone, ses I, "Kernel, how
many times has Seward hed the rebellyun suppressed?" "Oh," ses he, "he
goes to sleep every night with the sartin belief that the Union will be
restored by daylight; that Jeff Davis will be hanging on a sour apple
tree by noon, an that he will be elected next President by sundown."
"Wal," ses I, "Kernel, I think you've got a queer cabinet." "Yes," ses
he, "that I have. Seward thinks that his ritin letters to Europe is
goin to overthrow the rebellyun. Chase thinks it can't be done, except
by his greenbacks an freein the niggers. Old grandfather Welles is
sure that there is nothin will restore the Union except his gunboats;
while Blair feels sure that he kin do it by stoppin Dimmecratic
papers!" Ses I, "Why don't you change 'em?" "Wal," ses he, "what's the
use of swappin jackets? There ain't nothin to be made by it. No, I
won't change my Cabynet onless I'm druv to it. It's bad enough now, but
Lord only knows what it might be ef I ondertake to change it."
I was in hopes I could induce Linkin to put in some new men, an get out
Chase, Seward, Stantin an Blair. But it's no use. So we shall jog along
after the old fashion. Where we shall be in the spring no one kin tell.
Congriss has gone to work in arnest to fix up the financies, an to take
keer that the Dimmecrats don't sue Linkin for suspendin the habus
korpus. The filanthropists are also bizzy, an they are goin to give all
the niggers here a Christmas dinner, which, I suppose, is expected to
last 'em the year round. Eatin like a Turk one day an starvin 364, is,
accordin to my idees, a poor way of livin.
Yours, till deth,