BUTLER. "YOU FORGET, SIR. THIS IS PRESS DAY. THE GENTLEMEN ARE ALL
FINISHING THEIR NEWSPAPER ARTICLES."]
* * * * *
[Illustration: A LONG PARTNERSHIP.
_Capt. Wedgwood Benn_ (_to Mr. Asquith_). "ISN'T IT ABOUT TIME YOU
TOOK THE GLOVES OFF AND HAD A GO AT 'EM YOURSELF?" _Top Row_ (_reading
from left to right_).--Mr. G. R. THORNE, Mr. DEVLIN, Sir DONALD
MACLEAN, Mr. CLYNES, Gen. SEELY, Col. WEDGWOOD. _Middle Row._--The
SPEAKER, Lieut.-Commander KENWORTHY, Mr. BONAR LAW, Mr. LLOYD GEORGE,
Mr. ASQUITH, Capt. WEDGWOOD BENN. _Bottom Row._--Mr. GEORGE LAMBERT,
Mr. WHITLEY (_Chairman of Committees_).]
=ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.=
_Monday, August 2nd._--The rain that drenched the Bank-holiday-makers
had its counterpart inside the House of Commons in the shower of
Questions arising out of Mr. CHURCHILL'S article on the Polish crisis
in an evening newspaper. Members of various parties sought to know
whether, when the WAR SECRETARY said that peace with Soviet Russia was
only another form of war and apparently invited the co-operation of
the German militarists to fight the Bolshevists, he was expressing the
views of the Government; and if not, what had become of the doctrine
of collective responsibility?
The PRIME MINISTER manfully tried to shield his colleague from the
storm, but the effort took all his strength and ingenuity, and more
than once it seemed as if an unusually violent blast would blow his
umbrella inside out. His principal points were that the article did
not mean what it appeared to say; that if it did it was not so much
an expression of policy as of a "hankering"--("HANKERING. An uneasy
craving to possess or enjoy something"--_Dictionary_); that he could
not control his colleagues' desires or their expression, even in a
newspaper hostile to the Government, so long as they were consistent
with the policy of the Government; and that he was not aware of
anything in this particular article that "cut across any declaration
of policy by His Majesty's Government."
This does not sound very convincing perhaps, but it was sufficient to
satisfy Members, whose chief anxiety is to get off as soon as possible
to the country, and who voted down by 134 to 32 an attempt to move the
adjournment.
The CHIEF SECRETARY formally introduced a Bill "to make provision for
the restoration and maintenance of order in Ireland." Earlier in the
sitting the PRIME MINISTER had declined Mr. DE VALERA'S alleged offer
to accept a republic on the Cuban pattern, and had reiterated his
intention to pass the Home Rule Bill after the Recess.
Mr. T. P. O'CONNOR is a declared opponent of both these measures, but
that did not prevent him from contrasting the lightning speed of the
House when passing coercion for Ireland with its snail-like pace when
approaching conciliation. In fifty years it had not given justice to
Ireland; it was to be asked to give injustice to Ireland in fewer
hours.
_Tuesday, August 3rd._--That genial optimist Lord PEEL commended the
Ministry of Mines Bill as being calculated to restore harmony and
goodwill among masters and men. According to Lord GAINFORD the best
way to secure this result is to hand back the control of the mines
to their owners, between whom and the employés, he declared, cordial
relations had existed in the past. Still, the owners would work the
Bill for what it was worth, and hoped the miners would do the same.
Lord HALDANE said that was just what the miners had announced their
intention of not doing unless they were given a great deal more power
than the Bill proposed. But this lack of enthusiasm in no way damped
Lord PEEL'S ardour. Indeed he observed that he had "never introduced a
Bill that was received with any sort of enthusiasm." Mollified by this
engaging candour the Peers gave the Bill a Second Reading.
I am glad to record another example of Government economy. To Mr.
GILBERT, who desired that more sandpits should be provided in the
London parks for the delectation of town-tied children, Sir ALFRED
MOND reluctantly but sternly replied that "in view of the considerable
expenditure involved" he did not feel justified in adding to the
existing number of three.
Dumps suggest dolefulness, but the debate on the action of the
Disposals Board in disposing of the accumulations at Slough, St. Omer
and elsewhere was decidedly lively. Mr. HOPE led off by attacking the
recent report of the Committee on National Expenditure, and declared
that its Chairman, though a paragon of truth, was not necessarily a
mirror of accuracy. The Chairman himself (Sir F. BANBURY), seated for
the nonce upon the Opposition Bench, replied with appropriate vigour
in a speech which caused Sir GORDON HEWART to remark that the passion
for censoriousness was not a real virtue, but which greatly pleased
the Labour Party, in acknowledging whose compliments Sir FREDERICK
severely strained the brim of his tall hat.
After these star-turns the "walking gentlemen" had their chance.
Sixteen times were they called upon to parade the Division Lobbies
by an Opposition which on one occasion registered no fewer than
fifty-three votes.
_Wednesday, August 4th._--One of the few Irish institutions which all
Irishmen unite in praising is the mail service between Kingstown and
Holyhead. Even the Sinn Feiners would think twice before cutting this
link between England and Ireland. Yet, according to Lord ORANMORE AND
BROWNE, the British Post Office has actually given notice to terminate
the contract. He was assured, however, by Lord CRAWFORD that tenders
for a new contract would shortly be invited and that, whoever secured
it, the efficiency of the service would be maintained.
It was nearly eight o'clock before the Ministry of Mines came on. Lord
SALISBURY thought it would be improper to consider so important a
measure after dinner; Lord CRAWFORD thought it would be still more
improper to suggest that the Peers would not be in a condition to
transact business after that meal. He carried his point, but at the
expense of the Bill, for Lord SALISBURY, returning like a giant
refreshed, induced their Lordships to transform the Minister of Mines
into a mere Under-Secretary of the Board of Trade, thus defeating,
according to Lord PEEL, the principal purpose of the measure.
It was another day of rather small beer in the Commons. There were,
however, one or two _dicta_ of note. Thus Sir BERTRAM FALK, who
was concerned because Naval officers received no special marriage
allowance, was specifically assured by Sir JAMES CRAIG that the
Admiralty will not prevent men from marrying. I understood, however,
that it will not recognise a wife in every port.
_Thursday, August 5th._--With lofty disregard of a hundred-and-twenty
years of history the Duke of NORTHUMBERLAND informed the Peers that
the present state of Ireland was due to Bolshevism. Having diagnosed
the disease so clearly he ought to have been ready with a remedy, but
could suggest nothing more practical than the holding of mass meetings
to organise British public opinion.
Meanwhile the Commons were engaged in rushing through with the aid
of the "guillotine" a Bill for the restoration of order in the
distressful country. Mr. BONAR LAW, usually so accurate, fell into an
ancient trap, and declared that the Sinn Fein leaders had "raised a
_Frankenstein_ that they cannot control."
Sir HAMAR GREENWOOD made as good a defence of the Bill as was possible
in the circumstances. But neither he nor anybody else could say how
courts-martial, which are "to act on the ordinary rules of evidence,"
will be successful in bringing criminals to justice if witnesses
refuse to come forward.
Mr. T. P. O'CONNOR re-delivered the anti-coercion speech which he has
been making off and on for the last forty years. Mr. DEVLIN was a
little more up-to-date, for he introduced a reference to the Belfast
riots and drew from the CHIEF SECRETARY an assurance that the Bill
would be as applicable to Ulster as to the rest of Ireland.
Mr. ASQUITH denounced the Bill with unusual animation, and was sure
that it would do more harm than good. Cromwellian treatment needed
a CROMWELL, but he did not see one on the Treasury Bench. "CROMWELL
yourself!" retorted the PRIME MINISTER. The only unofficial supporter
of the Bill, and even he "no great admirer," was Lord HUGH CECIL; but
nevertheless the Second Reading was carried by 289 to 71.
The House afterwards gave a Second Reading to the Census (Ireland)
Bill, on the principle, as Captain ELLIOTT caustically observed, that
if you can't do anything with the people of Ireland you might at least
find out how many of them there are.
_Friday, August 6th._--The remaining stages of the Coercion Bill were
passed under the "guillotine." Mr. DEVLIN declared that this was not
"cricket," and refused to play any longer; but it is only fair to say
that he had not then seen our artist's picture.
* * * * *
[Illustration: "AN' WHEN I TOLD 'IM IN THE ORFICE THAT ME MONEY WASN'T
RIGHT, HE SAYS, ''ERE 'S A READY RECKONER--WORK IT OUT YERSELF;' AN'
BELIEVE ME OR BELIEVE ME NOT, BUT WHEN I LOOKED AT THE BLESSED BOOK I
FOUND IT WAS LAST YEAR'S."]
* * * * *
"At this stage the Chairman withdrew complaining of a head-ache
without nominating a successor, darkness set in and there were no
lights. Along with the Chairman some forty people also left in a
body. What happened afterwards is not clear."
_Indian Paper._
We don't wonder the reporter was baffled.
* * * * *
DEAR MR. PUNCH.--_Re_ the authorship of SHAKSPEARE'S plays, may I
quote from _Twelfth Night_, Act I., Scene V.? Thank you.
"'Tis beauty truly blent, whose red and white
Nature's own sweet and cunning hand laid on."
This is unquestionably bacon.
* * * * *
[Illustration: _The Vicar_ (_in a gallant attempt to cover his
opponent's eloquence_) _sings._ "WE PLOUGH THE FIELDS AND SCATTER--"]
* * * * *
=ROAD CONDITIONS FOR CHARABANCS.=
The following road information is compiled from reports received by
the Charabanc Defence Association:--
The Lushborough road is good and free from obstruction as far as
Great Boundingley, but from Chatback to Wrothley the conditions are
unfavourable. The bridge one mile south of the former place has been
occupied by a strong force of unfriendly natives, and several cases of
tarring have been reported. There is, however, an alternative route
_viâ_ Boozeley, but great caution is advised in passing through
Wrothley, passengers being recommended to provide themselves with a
good supply of loose metal before entering the village, where most of
the houses are protected with iron shutters. Helmets should not
be removed before reaching Cadbridge, where there is no danger of
retaliation.
Bottles may be discharged freely all along the Muckley road as far
as Ruddiham, but caution is needed at Bashfield Corner, from which
a small band of snipers has not yet been dislodged, though their
ammunition is running short. Passengers should be prepared to use all
the resources of their vocabulary at Bargingham, where the inhabitants
enjoy a well-deserved repute for their command of picturesque
invective. It would be humiliating to the whole charabanc
confraternity if they were to yield their pre-eminence in this branch
of education to a small rural community.
Thanks to the vigilance of the well-armed patrols of the Charabanc
Defence Association the main roads in East Anglia are almost clear
of the enemy. Caution must still be observed in passing through
Garningham at night. One of the hardiest "charabankers" was recently
prostrated in that village by a well-aimed epithet from the oldest
inhabitant. A writer in a Norwich paper recently described the
area within ten miles of Whelksham as "a paradise for baboon-faced
Yahooligans." But these futile ebullitions of malice are powerless to
check the triumphal progress of the charabanc in the Eastern Counties.
But no route at present offers more favourable or exhilarating
opportunities to the high-minded excursionist than the main Gath road
from Scrapston to Kinlarry. Excellent sport is afforded just outside
Stillminster, where Sir John Goodfellow's greenhouses are within easy
bottle-throw of the road and furnish a splendid target. On the
whole, however, it is thought advisable to abstain from saluting
the neighbouring hospital for shell-shock patients with a salvo of
megaphones, local opinion being adverse to such manifestations.
* * * * *
=RHYMES OF THE UNDERGROUND.=
The Ealing trains run frequently,
The Ealing trains run fast;
I stand at Gloucester Road and see
A many hurtling past;
They go to Acton, Turnham Green,
And stations I have never seen,
Simply because my lot has been
In other places cast.
The folk on Ealing trains who ride
They, pitying, bestow
On me a look instinct with pride;
But I would have them know
That, while on Wimbledonian plains
My humble domicile remains,
I HAVE NO USE FOR EALING TRAINS,
Though still they come and go.
* * * * *