"Why, what is the matter with you! One minute I am to go, and the next I'm
not! Khee-khee! It really is bedtime, khee-khee! The Panafidins' little
girl ... khee-khee ... their little girl ... khee ... I saw their little
girl's Nuremburg doll ... khee-khee...."
"Well, now it's dolls!"
"Khee-khee ... a pretty doll ... khee-khee."
"He is saying good-bye," said the young man; "he is going, and we can get
away at once. Do you hear? You can rejoice!"
"Oh, God grant it!"
"It's a lesson to you...."
"Young man, a lesson for what!... I feel it ... but you are young, you
cannot teach me."
"I will, though.... Listen."
"Oh, dear, I am going to sneeze!..."
"Hush, if you dare."
"But what can I do, there is such a smell of mice here; I can't help it.
Take my handkerchief cut of my pocket; I can't stir.... Oh, my God, my God,
why am I so punished?"
"Here's your handkerchief! I will tell you what you are punished for. You
are jealous. Goodness knows on what grounds, you rush about like a madman,
burst into other people's flats, create a disturbance...."
"Young man, I have not created a disturbance."
"Hush!"
"Young man, you can't lecture to me about morals, I am more moral than
you."
"Hush!"
"Oh, my God--oh, my God!"
"You create a disturbance, you frighten a young lady, a timid woman who
does not know what to do for terror, and perhaps will be ill; you disturb a
venerable old man suffering from a complaint and who needs repose above
everything--and all this what for? Because you imagine some nonsense which
sets you running all over the neighbourhood! Do you understand what a
horrid position you are in now?"
"I do very well, sir! I feel it, but you have not the right...."
"Hold your tongue! What has right got to do with it? Do you understand that
this may have a tragic ending? Do you understand that the old man, who is
fond of his wife, may go out of his mind when he sees you creep out from
under the bed? But no, you are incapable of causing a tragedy! When you
crawl out, I expect every one who looks at you will laugh. I should like to
see you in the light; you must look very funny."
"And you. You must be funny, too, in that case. I should like to have a
look at you too."
"I dare say you would!"
"You must carry the stamp of immorality, young man."
"Ah! you are talking about morals, how do you know why I'm here? I am here
by mistake, I made a mistake in the storey. And the deuce knows why they
let me in, I suppose she must have been expecting some one (not you, of
course). I hid under the bed when I heard your stupid footsteps, when I saw
the lady was frightened. Besides, it was dark. And why should I justify
myself to you. You are a ridiculous, jealous old man, sir. Do you know why
I don't crawl out? Perhaps you imagine I am afraid to come out? No, sir, I
should have come out long ago, but I stay here from compassion for you.
Why, what would you be taken for, if I were not here? You'd stand facing
them, like a post, you know you wouldn't know what to do...."
"Why like that object? Couldn't you find anything else to compare me with,
young man? Why shouldn't I know what to do? I should know what to do."
"Oh, my goodness, how that wretched dog keeps barking!"
"Hush! Oh, it really is.... That's because you keep jabbering. You've waked
the dog, now there will be trouble."
The lady's dog, who had till then been sleeping on a pillow in the corner,
suddenly awoke, sniffed strangers and rushed under the bed with a loud
bark.
"Oh, my God, what a stupid dog!" whispered Ivan Andreyitch; "it will get us
all into trouble. Here's another affliction!"
"Oh, well, you are such a coward, that it may well be so."
"Ami, Ami, come here," cried the lady; "_ici, ici_." But the dog, without
heeding her, made straight for Ivan Andreyitch.
"Why is it Amishka keeps barking?" said the old gentleman. "There must be
mice or the cat under there. I seem to hear a sneezing ... and pussy had a
cold this morning."
"Lie still," whispered the young man. "Don't twist about! Perhaps it will
leave off."
"Sir, let go of my hands, sir! Why are you holding them?"
"Hush! Be quiet!"
"But mercy on us, young man, it will bite my nose. Do you want me to lose
my nose?"
A struggle followed, and Ivan Andreyitch got his hands free. The dog broke
into volleys of barking. Suddenly it ceased barking and gave a yelp.
"_Aïe!_" cried the lady.
"Monster! what are you doing?" cried the young man. "You will be the ruin
of us both! Why are you holding it? Good heavens, he is strangling it! Let
it go! Monster! You know nothing of the heart of women if you can do that!
She will betray us both if you strangle the dog."
But by now Ivan Andreyitch could hear nothing. He had succeeded in catching
the dog, and in a paroxysm of self-preservation had squeezed its throat.
The dog yelled and gave up the ghost.
"We are lost!" whispered the young man.
"Amishka! Amishka," cried the lady. "My God, what are they doing with my
Amishka? Amishka! Amishka! _Ici!_ Oh, the monsters! Barbarians! Oh, dear, I
feel giddy!"
"What is it, what is it?" cried the old gentleman, jumping up from his easy
chair. "What is the matter with you, my darling? Amishka! here, Amishka!
Amishka! Amishka!" cried the old gentleman, snapping with his fingers and
clicking with his tongue, and calling Amishka from under the bed. "Amishka,
_ici, ici_. The cat cannot have eaten him. The cat wants a thrashing, my
love, he hasn't had a beating for a whole month, the rogue. What do you
think? I'll talk to Praskovya Zaharyevna. But, my goodness, what is the
matter, my love? Oh, how white you are! Oh, oh, servants, servants!" and
the old gentleman ran about the room.
"Villains! Monsters!" cried the lady, sinking on the sofa.
"Who, who, who?" cried the old gentleman.
"There are people there, strangers, there under the bed! Oh, my God,
Amishka, Amishka, what have they done to you?"
"Good heavens, what people? Amishka.... Servants, servants, come here! Who
is there, who is there?" cried the old gentleman, snatching up a candle and
bending down under the bed. "Who is there?"
Ivan Andreyitch was lying more dead than alive beside the breathless corpse
of Amishka, but the young man was watching every movement of the old
gentleman. All at once the old gentleman went to the other side of the bed
by the wall and bent down. In a flash the young man crept out from under
the bed and took to his heels, while the husband was looking for his
visitors on the other side.
"Good gracious!" exclaimed the lady, staring at the young man. "Who are
you? Why, I thought...."
"That monster's still there," whispered the young man. "He is guilty of
Amishka's death!"
"_Aïe!_" shrieked the lady, but the young man had already vanished from the
room.
"_Aïe!_ There is some one here. Here are somebody's boots!" cried the
husband, catching Ivan Andreyitch by the leg.
"Murderer, murderer!" cried the lady. "Oh, Ami! Ami!"
"Come out, come out!" cried the old gentleman, stamping on the carpet with
both feet; "come out. Who are you? Tell me who you are! Good gracious, what
a queer person!"
"Why, it's robbers!..."
"For God's sake, for God's sake," cried Ivan Andreyitch creeping out, "for
God's sake, your Excellency, don't call the servants! Your Excellency,
don't call any one. It is quite unnecessary. You can't kick me out!... I am
not that sort of person. I am a different case. Your Excellency, it has all
been due to a mistake! I'll explain directly, your Excellency," exclaimed
Ivan Andreyitch, sobbing and gasping. "It's all my wife that is not my
wife, but somebody else's wife. I am not married, I am only.... It's my
comrade, a friend of youthful days."
"What friend of youthful days?" cried the old gentleman, stamping. "You are
a thief, you have come to steal ... and not a friend of youthful days."
"No, I am not a thief, your Excellency; I am really a friend of youthful
days.... I have only blundered by accident, I came into the wrong place."
"Yes, sir, yes; I see from what place you've crawled out."
"Your Excellency! I am not that sort of man. You are mistaken. I tell you,
you are cruelly mistaken, your Excellency. Only glance at me, look at me,
and by signs and tokens you will see that I can't be a thief. Your
Excellency! Your Excellency!" cried Ivan Andreyitch, folding his hands and
appealing to the young lady. "You are a lady, you will understand me....
It was I who killed Amishka.... But it was not my fault.... It was really
not my fault.... It was all my wife's fault. I am an unhappy man, I am
drinking the cup of bitterness!"
"But really, what has it to do with me that you are drinking the cup of
bitterness? Perhaps it's not the only cup you've drunk. It seems so, to
judge from your condition. But how did you come here, sir?" cried the old
gentleman, quivering with excitement, though he certainly was convinced by
certain signs and tokens that Ivan Andreyitch could not be a thief. "I ask
you: how did you come here? You break in like a robber...."
"Not a robber, your Excellency. I simply came to the wrong place; I am
really not a robber! It is all because I was jealous. I will tell you all
about it, your Excellency, I will confess it all frankly, as I would to my
own father; for at your venerable age I might take you for a father."
"What do you mean by venerable age?"
"Your Excellency! Perhaps I have offended you? Of course such a young
lady ... and your age ... it is a pleasant sight, your Excellency, it
really is a pleasant sight such a union ... in the prime of life.... But
don't call the servants, for God's sake, don't call the servants ...
servants would only laugh.... I know them ... that is, I don't mean that
I am only acquainted with footmen, I have a footman of my own, your
Excellency, and they are always laughing ... the asses! Your Highness ...
I believe I am not mistaken, I am addressing a prince...."
"No, I am not a prince, sir, I am an independent gentleman.... Please do
not flatter me with your 'Highness.' How did you get here, sir? How did you
get here?"
"Your Highness, that is, your Excellency.... Excuse me, I thought that you
were your Highness. I looked ... I imagined ... it does happen. You are so
like Prince Korotkouhov whom I have had the honour of meeting at my friend
Mr. Pusyrev's.... You see, I am acquainted with princes, too, I have met
princes, too, at the houses of my friends; you cannot take me for what you
take me for. I am not a thief. Your Excellency, don't call the servants;
what will be the good of it if you do call them?"
"But how did you come here?" cried the lady. "Who are you?"
"Yes, who are you?" the husband chimed in. "And, my love, I thought it was
pussy under the bed sneezing. And it was he. Ah, you vagabond! Who are you?
Tell me!"
And the old gentleman stamped on the carpet again.
"I cannot speak, your Excellency, I am waiting till you are finished, I am
enjoying your witty jokes. As regards me, it is an absurd story, your
Excellency; I will tell you all about it. It can all be explained without
more ado, that is, I mean, don't call the servants, your Excellency! Treat
me in a gentlemanly way.... It means nothing that I was under the bed, I
have not sacrificed my dignity by that. It is a most comical story, your
Excellency!" cried Ivan Andreyitch, addressing the lady with a supplicating
air. "You, particularly, your Excellency, will laugh! You behold upon the
scene a jealous husband. You see, I abase myself, I abase myself of my own
free will. I did indeed kill Amishka, but ... my God, I don't know what I
am saying!"
"But how, how did you get here?"
"Under cover of night, your Excellency, under cover of night.... I beg your
pardon! Forgive me, your Excellency! I humbly beg your pardon! I am only an
injured husband, nothing more! Don't imagine, your Excellency, that I am a
lover! I am not a lover! Your wife is virtue itself, if I may venture so to
express myself. She is pure and innocent!"
"What, what? What did you have the audacity to say?" cried the old
gentleman, stamping his foot again. "Are you out of your mind or not? How
dare you talk about my wife?"
"He is a villain, a murderer who has killed Amishka," wailed the lady,
dissolving into tears. "And then he dares!..."
"Your Excellency, your Excellency! I spoke foolishly," cried Ivan
Andreyitch in a fluster. "I was talking foolishly, that was all! Think of
me as out of my mind.... For goodness' sake, think of me as out of my
mind.... I assure you that you will be doing me the greatest favour. I
would offer you my hand, but I do not venture to.... I was not alone, I was
an uncle.... I mean to say that you cannot take me for the lover....
Goodness! I have put my foot in it again.... Do not be offended, your
Excellency," cried Ivan Andreyitch to the lady. "You are a lady, you
understand what love is, it is a delicate feeling.... But what am I saying?
I am talking nonsense again; that is, I mean to say that I am an old
man--that is, a middle-aged man, not an old man; that I cannot be your
lover; that a lover is a Richardson--that is, a Lovelace.... I am talking
nonsense, but you see, your Excellency, that I am a well-educated man and
know something of literature. You are laughing, your Excellency. I am
delighted, delighted that I have _provoked_ your mirth, your Excellency.
Oh, how delighted I am that I have provoked your mirth."
"My goodness, what a funny man!" cried the lady, exploding with laughter.
"Yes, he is funny, and in such a mess," said the old man, delighted that
his wife was laughing. "He cannot be a thief, my love. But how did he come
here?"
"It really is strange, it really is strange, it is like a novel! Why! At
the dead of night, in a great city, a man under the bed. Strange, funny!
Rinaldo-Rinaldini after a fashion. But that is no matter, no matter, your
Excellency. I will tell you all about it.... And I will buy you a new
lapdog, your Excellency.... A wonderful lapdog! Such a long coat, such
short little legs, it can't walk more than a step or two: it runs a little,
gets entangled in its own coat, and tumbles over. One feeds it on nothing
but sugar. I will bring you one, I will certainly bring you one."
"Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!" The lady was rolling from side to side with laughter.
"Oh, dear, I shall have hysterics! Oh, how funny he is!"
"Yes, yes! Ha-ha-ha! Khee-khee-khee! He is funny and he is in a
mess--khee-khee-khee!"
"Your Excellency, your Excellency, I am now perfectly happy. I would offer
you my hand, but I do not venture to, your Excellency. I feel that I have
been in error, but now I am opening my eyes. I am certain my wife is pure
and innocent! I was wrong in suspecting her."
"Wife--his wife!" cried the lady, with tears in her eyes through laughing.
"He married? Impossible! I should never have thought it," said the old
gentleman.
"Your Excellency, my wife--it is all her fault; that is, it is my fault: I
suspected her; I knew that an assignation had been arranged here--here
upstairs; I intercepted a letter, made a mistake about the storey and got
under the bed...."
"He-he-he-he!"
"Ha-ha-ha-ha!"
"Ha-ha-ha-ha!" Ivan Andreyitch began laughing at last. "Oh, how happy I am!
Oh, how wonderful to see that we are all so happy and harmonious! And my
wife is entirely innocent. That must be so, your Excellency!"
"He-he-he! Khee-khee! Do you know, my love, who it was?" said the old man
at last, recovering from his mirth.
"Who? Ha-ha-ha."
"She must be the pretty woman who makes eyes, the one with the dandy. It's
she, I bet that's his wife!"
"No, your Excellency, I am certain it is not she; I am perfectly certain."
"But, my goodness! You are losing time," cried the lady, leaving off
laughing. "Run, go upstairs. Perhaps you will find them."
"Certainly, your Excellency, I will fly. But I shall not find any one, your
Excellency; it is not she, I am certain of it beforehand. She is at home
now. It is all my fault! It is simply my jealousy, nothing else.... What do
you think? Do you suppose that I shall find them there, your Excellency?"
"Ha-ha-ha!"
"He-he-he! Khee-khee!"
"You must go, you must go! And when you come down, come in and tell us!"
cried the lady; "or better still, to-morrow morning. And do bring her too,
I should like to make her acquaintance."
"Good-bye, your Excellency, good-bye! I will certainly bring her, I shall
be very glad for her to make your acquaintance. I am glad and happy that it
was all ended so and has turned out for the best."
"And the lapdog! Don't forget it: be sure to bring the lapdog!"
"I will bring it, your Excellency, I will certainly bring it," responded
Ivan Andreyitch, darting back into the room, for he had already made his
bows and withdrawn. "I will certainly bring it. It is such a pretty one. It
is just as though a confectioner had made it of sweet-meats. And it's such
a funny little thing--gets entangled in its own coat and falls over. It
really is a lapdog! I said to my wife: 'How is it, my love, it keeps
tumbling over?' 'It is such a little thing,' she said. As though it were
made of sugar, of sugar, your Excellency! Good-bye, your Excellency, very,
very glad to make your acquaintance, very glad to make your acquaintance!"
Ivan Andreyitch bowed himself out.
"Hey, sir! Stay, come back," cried the old gentleman, after the retreating
Ivan Andreyitch.
The latter turned back for the third time.
"I still can't find the cat, didn't you meet him when you were under the
bed?"
"No, I didn't, your Excellency. Very glad to make his acquaintance, though,
and I shall look upon it as an honour...."
"He has a cold in his head now, and keeps sneezing and sneezing. He must
have a beating."
"Yes, your Excellency, of course; corrective punishment is essential with
domestic animals."
"What?"
"I say that corrective punishment is necessary, your Excellency, to enforce
obedience in the domestic animals."
"Ah!... Well, good-bye, good-bye, that is all I had to say."
Coming out into the street, Ivan Andreyitch stood for a long time in an
attitude that suggested that he was expecting to have a fit in another
minute. He took off his hat, wiped the cold sweat from his brow, screwed up
his eyes, thought a minute, and set off homewards.
What was his amazement when he learned at home that Glafira Petrovna had
come back from the theatre a long, long time before, that she had
toothache, that she had sent for the doctor, that she had sent for leeches,
and that now she was lying in bed and expecting Ivan Andreyitch.
Ivan Andreyitch slapped himself on the forehead, told the servant to help
him wash and to brush his clothes, and at last ventured to go into his
wife's room.
"Where is it you spend your time? Look what a sight you are! What do you
look like? Where have you been lost all this time? Upon my word, sir; your
wife is dying and you have to be hunted for all over the town. Where have
you been? Surely you have not been tracking me, trying to disturb a
rendezvous I am supposed to have made, though I don't know with whom. For
shame, sir, you are a husband! People will soon be pointing at you in the
street."
"My love ..." responded Ivan Andreyitch.
But at this point he was so overcome with confusion that he had to feel in
his pocket for his handkerchief and to break off in the speech he was
beginning, because he had neither words, thoughts or courage.... What was
his amazement, horror and alarm when with his handkerchief fell out of his
pocket the corpse of Amishka. Ivan Andreyitch had not noticed that when he
had been forced to creep out from under the bed, in an access of despair
and unreasoning terror he had stuffed Amishka into his pocket with a
far-away idea of burying the traces, concealing the evidence of his crime,
and so avoiding the punishment he deserved.
"What's this?" cried his spouse; "a nasty dead dog! Goodness! where has it
come from?... What have you been up to?... Where have you been? Tell me at
once where have you been?"
"My love," answered Ivan Andreyitch, almost as dead as Amishka, "my
love...."
But here we will leave our hero--till another time, for a new and quite
different adventure begins here. Some day we will describe all these
calamities and misfortunes, gentlemen. But you will admit that jealousy is
an unpardonable passion, and what is more, it is a positive misfortune.
THE HEAVENLY CHRISTMAS TREE
I am a novelist, and I suppose I have made up this story. I write "I
suppose," though I know for a fact that I have made it up, but yet I keep
fancying that it must have happened somewhere at some time, that it must
have happened on Christmas Eve in some great town in a time of terrible
frost.
I have a vision of a boy, a little boy, six years old or even younger. This
boy woke up that morning in a cold damp cellar. He was dressed in a sort of
little dressing-gown and was shivering with cold. There was a cloud of
white steam from his breath, and sitting on a box in the corner, he blew
the steam out of his mouth and amused himself in his dullness watching it
float away. But he was terribly hungry. Several times that morning he went
up to the plank bed where his sick mother was lying on a mattress as thin
as a pancake, with some sort of bundle under her head for a pillow. How had
she come here? She must have come with her boy from some other town and
suddenly fallen ill. The landlady who let the "corners" had been taken two
days before to the police station, the lodgers were out and about as the
holiday was so near, and the only one left had been lying for the last
twenty-four hours dead drunk, not having waited for Christmas. In another
corner of the room a wretched old woman of eighty, who had once been a
children's nurse but was now left to die friendless, was moaning and
groaning with rheumatism, scolding and grumbling at the boy so that he was
afraid to go near her corner. He had got a drink of water in the outer
room, but could not find a crust anywhere, and had been on the point of
waking his mother a dozen times. He felt frightened at last in the
darkness: it had long been dusk, but no light was kindled. Touching his
mother's face, he was surprised that she did not move at all, and that she
was as cold as the wall. "It is very cold here," he thought. He stood a
little, unconsciously letting his hands rest on the dead woman's shoulders,
then he breathed on his fingers to warm them, and then quietly fumbling for
his cap on the bed, he went out of the cellar. He would have gone earlier,
but was afraid of the big dog which had been howling all day at the
neighbour's door at the top of the stairs. But the dog was not there now,
and he went out into the street.
Mercy on us, what a town! He had never seen anything like it before. In the
town from which he had come, it was always such black darkness at night.
There was one lamp for the whole street, the little, low-pitched, wooden
houses were closed up with shutters, there was no one to be seen in the
street after dusk, all the people shut themselves up in their houses, and
there was nothing but the howling of packs of dogs, hundreds and thousands
of them barking and howling all night. But there it was so warm and he was
given food, while here--oh, dear, if he only had something to eat! And what
a noise and rattle here, what light and what people, horses and carriages,
and what a frost! The frozen steam hung in clouds over the horses, over
their warmly breathing mouths; their hoofs clanged against the stones
through the powdery snow, and every one pushed so, and--oh, dear, how he
longed for some morsel to eat, and how wretched he suddenly felt. A
policeman walked by and turned away to avoid seeing the boy.