still more actively stamping with his feet, gave Ivan Andreyitch a cursory
and absent-minded glance, and immediately putting up his hands like a
trumpet to his mouth, so as to be more audible, shouted the prima donna's
name. Ivan Andreyitch, who had never heard such a roar, was delighted. "He
has noticed nothing!" he thought, and turned round; but the stout gentleman
who was sitting behind him had turned round too, and with his back to him
was scrutinising the boxes through his opera-glass. "He is all right too!"
thought Ivan Andreyitch. In front, of course, nothing had been seen.
Timidly and with a joyous hope in his heart, he stole a glance at the
baignoire, near which was his stall, and started with the most unpleasant
sensation. A lovely lady was sitting there who, holding her handkerchief to
her mouth and leaning back in her chair, was laughing as though in
hysterics.
"Ugh, these women!" murmured Ivan Andreyitch, and treading on people's
feet, he made for the exit.
Now I ask my readers to decide, I beg them to judge between me and Ivan
Andreyitch. Was he right at that moment? The Grand Theatre, as we all know,
contains four tiers of boxes and a fifth row above the gallery. Why must he
assume that the note had fallen from one particular box, from that very box
and no other? Why not, for instance, from the gallery where there are often
ladies too? But passion is an exception to every rule, and jealousy is the
most exceptional of all passions.
Ivan Andreyitch rushed into the foyer, stood by the lamp, broke the seal
and read:
"To-day immediately after the performance, in G. Street at the corner of X.
Lane, K. buildings, on the third floor, the first on the right from the
stairs. The front entrance. Be there, _sans faute_; for God's sake."
Ivan Andreyitch did not know the handwriting, but he had no doubt it was an
assignation. "To track it out, to catch it and nip the mischief in the
bud," was Ivan Andreyitch's first idea. The thought occurred to him to
unmask the infamy at once on the spot; but how could it be done? Ivan
Andreyitch even ran up to the second row of boxes, but judiciously came
back again. He was utterly unable to decide where to run. Having nothing
clear he could do, he ran round to the other side and looked through the
open door of somebody else's box at the opposite side of the theatre. Yes,
it was so, it was! Young ladies and young men were sitting in all the seats
vertically one above another in all the five tiers. The note might have
fallen from all tiers at once, for Ivan Andreyitch suspected all of them of
being in a plot against him. But nothing made him any better, no
probabilities of any sort. The whole of the second act he was running up
and down all the corridors and could find no peace of mind anywhere. He
would have dashed into the box office in hope of finding from the attendant
there the names of the persons who had taken boxes on all the four tiers,
but the box office was shut. At last there came an outburst of furious
shouting and applause. The performance was over. Calls for the singers
began, and two voices from the top gallery were particularly deafening--the
leaders of the opposing factions. But they were not what mattered to Ivan
Andreyitch. Already thoughts of what he was to do next flitted through his
mind. He put on his overcoat and rushed off to G. Street to surprise them
there, to catch them unawares, to unmask them, and in general to behave
somewhat more energetically than he had done the day before. He soon found
the house, and was just going in at the front door, when the figure of a
dandy in an overcoat darted forward right in front of him, passed him and
went up the stairs to the third storey. It seemed to Ivan Andreyitch that
this was the same dandy, though he had not been able at the time to
distinguish his features in the theatre. His heart stood still. The dandy
was two flights of stairs ahead of him. At last he heard a door opened on
the third floor, and opened without the ringing of a bell, as though the
visitor was expected. The young man disappeared into the flat. Ivan
Andreyitch mounted to the third floor, before there was time to shut the
door. He meant to stand at the door, to reflect prudently on his next step,
to be rather cautious, and then to determine upon some decisive course of
action; but at that very minute a carriage rumbled up to the entrance, the
doors were flung open noisily, and heavy footsteps began ascending to the
third storey to the sound of coughing and clearing of the throat. Ivan
Andreyitch could not stand his ground, and walked into the flat with all
the majesty of an injured husband. A servant-maid rushed to meet him much
agitated, then a man-servant appeared. But to stop Ivan Andreyitch was
impossible. He flew in like a bomb, and crossing two dark rooms, suddenly
found himself in a bedroom facing a lovely young lady, who was trembling
all over with alarm and gazing at him in utter horror as though she could
not understand what was happening around her. At that instant there was a
sound in the adjoining room of heavy footsteps coming straight towards the
bedroom; they were the same footsteps that had been mounting the stairs.
"Goodness! It is my husband!" cried the lady, clasping her hands and
turning whiter than her dressing-gown.
Ivan Andreyitch felt that he had come to the wrong place, that he had made
a silly, childish blunder, that he had acted without due consideration,
that he had not been sufficiently cautious on the landing. But there was no
help for it. The door was already opening, already the heavy husband, that
is if he could be judged by his footsteps, was coming into the room.... I
don't know what Ivan Andreyitch took himself to be at that moment! I don't
know what prevented him from confronting the husband, telling him that he
had made a mistake, confessing that he had unintentionally behaved in the
most unseemly way, making his apologies and vanishing--not of course with
flying colours, not of course with glory, but at any rate departing in an
open and gentlemanly manner. But no, Ivan Andreyitch again behaved like a
boy, as though he considered himself a Don Juan or a Lovelace! He first hid
himself behind the curtain of the bed, and finally, feeling utterly
dejected and hopeless, he dropped on the floor and senselessly crept under
the bed. Terror had more influence on him than reason, and Ivan Andreyitch,
himself an injured husband, or at any rate a husband who considered himself
such, could not face meeting another husband, but was afraid to wound him
by his presence. Be this as it may, he found himself under the bed, though
he had no idea how it had come to pass. But what was most surprising, the
lady made no opposition. She did not cry out on seeing an utterly unknown
elderly gentleman seek a refuge under her bed. Probably she was so alarmed
that she was deprived of all power of speech.
The husband walked in gasping and clearing his throat, said good-evening to
his wife in a singsong, elderly voice, and flopped into an easy chair as
though he had just been carrying up a load of wood. There was a sound of a
hollow and prolonged cough. Ivan Andreyitch, transformed from a ferocious
tiger to a lamb, timid and meek as a mouse before a cat, scarcely dared to
breathe for terror, though he might have known from his own experience that
not all injured husbands bite. But this idea did not enter his head, either
from lack of consideration or from agitation of some sort. Cautiously,
softly, feeling his way he began to get right under the bed so as to lie
more comfortably there. What was his amazement when with his hand he felt
an object which, to his intense amazement, stirred and in its turn seized
his hand! Under the bed there was another person!
"Who's this?" whispered Ivan Andreyitch.
"Well, I am not likely to tell you who I am," whispered the strange man.
"Lie still and keep quiet, if you have made a mess of things!"
"But, I say!..."
"Hold your tongue!"
And the extra gentleman (for one was quite enough under the bed) the extra
gentleman squeezed Ivan Andreyitch's hand in his fist so that the latter
almost shrieked with pain.
"My dear sir...."
"Sh!"
"Then don't pinch me so, or I shall scream."
"All right, scream away, try it on."
Ivan Andreyitch flushed with shame. The unknown gentleman was sulky and
ill-humoured. Perhaps it was a man who had suffered more than once from the
persecutions of fate, and had more than once been in a tight place; but
Ivan Andreyitch was a novice and could not breathe in his constricted
position. The blood rushed to his head. However, there was no help for it;
he had to lie on his face. Ivan Andreyitch submitted and was silent.
"I have been to see Pavel Ivanitch, my love," began the husband. "We sat
down to a game of preference. Khee-khee-khee!" (he had a fit of coughing).
"Yes ... khee! So my back ... khee! Bother it ... khee-khee-khee!"
And the old gentleman became engrossed in his cough.
"My back," he brought out at last with tears in his eyes, "my spine began
to ache.... A damned hæmorrhoid, I can't stand nor sit ... or sit.
Akkhee-khee-khee!"...
And it seemed as though the cough that followed was destined to last longer
than the old gentleman in possession of it. The old gentleman grumbled
something in its intervals, but it was utterly impossible to make out a
word.
"Dear sir, for goodness' sake, move a little," whispered the unhappy Ivan
Andreyitch.
"How can I? There's no room."
"But you must admit that it is impossible for me. It is the first time that
I have found myself in such a nasty position."
"And I in such unpleasant society."
"But, young man!..."
"Hold your tongue!"
"Hold my tongue? You are very uncivil, young man.... If I am not mistaken,
you are very young; I am your senior."
"Hold your tongue!"
"My dear sir! You are forgetting yourself. You don't know to whom you are
talking!"
"To a gentleman lying under the bed."
"But I was taken by surprise ... a mistake, while in your case, if I am not
mistaken, immorality...."
"That's where you are mistaken."
"My dear sir! I am older than you, I tell you...."
"Sir, we are in the same boat, you know. I beg you not to take hold of my
face!"
"Sir, I can't tell one thing from another. Excuse me, but I have no room."
"You shouldn't be so fat!"
"Heavens! I have never been in such a degrading position."
"Yes, one couldn't be brought more low."
"Sir, sir! I don't know who you are, I don't understand how this came
about; but I am here by mistake; I am not what you think...."
"I shouldn't think about you at all if you didn't shove. But hold your
tongue, do!"
"Sir, if you don't move a little I shall have a stroke; you will have to
answer for my death, I assure you.... I am a respectable man, I am the
father of a family. I really cannot be in such a position!..."
"You thrust yourself into the position. Come, move a little! I've made room
for you, I can't do more!"
"Noble young man! Dear sir! I see I was mistaken about you," said Ivan
Andreyitch, in a transport of gratitude for the space allowed him, and
stretching out his cramped limbs. "I understand your constricted condition,
but there's no help for it. I see you think ill of me. Allow me to redeem
my reputation in your eyes, allow me to tell you who I am. I have come here
against my will, I assure you; I am not here with the object you
imagine.... I am in a terrible fright."
"Oh, do shut up! Understand that if we are overheard it will be the worse
for us. Sh!... He is talking."
The old gentleman's cough did, in fact, seem to be over.
"I tell you what, my love," he wheezed in the most lachrymose chant, "I
tell you what, my love ... khee-khee! Oh, what an affliction! Fedosey
Ivanovitch said to me: 'You should try drinking yarrow tea,' he said to me;
do you hear, my love?"
"Yes, dear."
"Yes, that was what he said, 'You should try drinking yarrow tea,' he said.
I told him I had put on leeches. But he said, 'No, Alexandr Demyanovitch,
yarrow tea is better, it's a laxative, I tell you' ... Khee-khee. Oh, dear!
What do you think, my love? Khee! Oh, my God! Khee-khee! Had I better try
yarrow tea?... Khee-khee-khee! Oh ... Khee!" and so on.
"I think it would be just as well to try that remedy," said his wife.
"Yes, it would be! 'You may be in consumption," he said. "Khee-khee! And I
told him it was gout and irritability of the stomach ... Khee-khee! But he
would have it that it might be consumption. What do you think ...
khee-khee! What do you think, my love; is it consumption?"
"My goodness, what are you talking about?"
"Why, consumption! You had better undress and go to bed now, my love ...
khee-khee! I've caught a cold in my head to-day."
"Ouf!" said Ivan Andreyitch. "For God's sake, do move a little."
"I really don't know what is the matter with you; can't you lie still?..."
"You are exasperated against me, young man, you want to wound me, I see
that. You are, I suppose, this lady's lover?"
"Shut up!"
"I will not shut up! I won't allow you to order me about! You are, no
doubt, her lover. If we are discovered I am not to blame in any way; I know
nothing about it."
"If you don't hold your tongue," said the young man, grinding his teeth, "I
will say that you brought me here. I'll say that you are my uncle who has
dissipated his fortune. Then they won't imagine I am this lady's lover,
anyway."
"Sir, you are amusing yourself at my expense. You are exhausting my
patience."
"Hush, or I will make you hush! You are a curse to me. Come, tell me what
you are here for? If you were not here I could lie here somehow till
morning, and then get away."
"But I can't lie here till morning. I am a respectable man, I have family
ties, of course.... What do you think, surely he is not going to spend the
night here?"
"Who?"
"Why, this old gentleman...."
"Of course he will. All husbands aren't like you. Some of them spend their
nights at home."
"My dear sir, my dear sir!" cried Ivan Andreyitch, turning cold with
terror, "I assure you I spend my nights at home too, and this is the first
time; but, my God, I see you know me. Who are you, young man? Tell me at
once, I beseech you, from disinterested friendship, who are you?"
"Listen, I shall resort to violence...."
"But allow me, allow me, sir, to tell you, allow me to explain all this
horrid business."
"I won't listen to any explanation. I don't want to know anything about it.
Be silent or...."
"But I cannot...."
A slight skirmish took place under the bed, and Ivan Andreyitch subsided.
"My love, it sounds as though there were cats hissing."
"Cats! What will you imagine next?"
Evidently the lady did not know what to talk to her husband about. She was
so upset that she could not pull herself together. Now she started and
pricked up her ears.
"What cats?"
"Cats, my love. The other day I went into my study, and there was the
tom-cat in my study, and hissing shoo-shoo-shoo! I said to him: 'What is
it, pussy?' and he went shoo-shoo-shoo again, as though he were whispering.
I thought, 'Merciful heavens! isn't he hissing as a sign of my death?'"
"What nonsense you are talking to-day! You ought to be ashamed, really!"
"Never mind, don't be cross, my love. I see, you don't like to think of me
dying; I didn't mean it. But you had better undress and get to bed, my
love, and I'll sit here while you go to bed."
"For goodness' sake, leave off; afterwards...."
"Well, don't be cross, don't be cross; but really I think there must be
mice here."
"Why, first cats and then mice, I really don't know what is the matter with
you."
"Oh, I am all right ... Khee ... I ... khee! Never mind ...
khee-khee-khee-khee! Oh! Lord have mercy on me ... khee."
"You hear, you are making such an upset that he hears you," whispers the
young man.
"But if you knew what is happening to me. My nose is bleeding."
"Let it bleed. Shut up. Wait till he goes away."
"But, young man, put yourself in my place. Why, I don't know with whom I am
lying."
"Would you be any better off if you did? Why, I don't want to know your
name. By the way, what is your name?"
"No; what do you want with my name?... I only want to explain the senseless
way in which...."
"Hush ... he is speaking again...."
"Really, my love, there is whispering."
"Oh, no, it's the cotton wool in your ears has got out of place."
"Oh, by the way, talking of the cotton wool, do you know that upstairs ...
khee-khee ... upstairs ... khee-khee ..." and so on.
"Upstairs!" whispered the young man. "Oh, the devil! I thought that this
was the top storey; can it be the second?"
"Young man," whispered Ivan Andreyitch, "what did you say? For goodness'
sake why does it concern you? I thought it was the top storey too. Tell me,
for God's sake, is there another storey?"
"Really some one is stirring," said the old man, leaving off coughing at
last.
"Hush! Do you hear?" whispered the young man, squeezing Ivan Andreyitch's
hands.
"Sir, you are holding my hands by force. Let me go!"
"Hush!"
A slight struggle followed and then there was a silence again.
"So I met a pretty woman ..." began the old man.
"A pretty woman!" interrupted his wife.
"Yes.... I thought I told you before that I met a pretty woman on the
stairs, or perhaps I did not mention it? My memory is weak. Yes, St. John's
wort ... khee!"
"What?"
"I must drink St. John's wort; they say it does good ... khee-khee-khee! It
does good!"
"It was you interrupted him," said the young man, grinding his teeth again.
"You said, you met some pretty woman to-day?" his wife went on.
"Eh?"
"Met a pretty woman?"
"Who did?"
"Why, didn't you?"
"I? When?"
"Oh, yes!..."
"At last! What a mummy! Well!" whispered the young man, inwardly raging at
the forgetful old gentleman.
"My dear sir, I am trembling with horror. My God, what do I hear? It's like
yesterday, exactly like yesterday!..."
"Hush!"
"Yes, to be sure! I remember, a sly puss, such eyes ... in a blue hat...."
"In a blue hat! _Aïe, aïe!_"
"It's she! She has a blue hat! My God!" cried Ivan Andreyitch.
"She? Who is she?" whispered the young man, squeezing Ivan Andreyitch's
hands.
"Hush!" Ivan Andreyitch exhorted in his turn. "He is speaking."
"Ah, my God, my God!"
"Though, after all, who hasn't a blue hat?"
"And such a sly little rogue," the old gentleman went on "She comes here to
see friends. She is always making eyes. And other friends come to see those
friends too...."
"Foo! how tedious!" the lady interrupted. "Really, how can you take
interest in that?"
"Oh, very well, very well, don't be cross," the old gentleman responded in
a wheedling chant. "I won't talk if you don't care to hear me. You seem a
little out of humour this evening."
"But how did you get here?" the young man began.
"Ah, you see, you see! Now you are interested, and before you wouldn't
listen!"
"Oh, well, I don't care! Please don't tell me. Oh, damnation take it, what
a mess!"
"Don't be cross, young man; I don't know what I am saying. I didn't mean
anything; I only meant to say that there must be some good reason for your
taking such an interest.... But who are you, young man? I see you are a
stranger, but who are you? Oh, dear, I don't know what I am saying!"
"Ugh, leave off, please!" the young man interrupted, as though he were
considering something.
"But I will tell you all about it. You think, perhaps, that I will not tell
you. That I feel resentment against you. Oh, no! Here is my hand. I am only
feeling depressed, nothing more. But for God's sake, first tell me how you
came here yourself? Through what chance? As for me, I feel no ill-will;
no, indeed, I feel no ill-will, here is my hand. I have made it rather
dirty, it is so dusty here; but that's nothing, when the feeling is true."
"Ugh, get away with your hand! There is no room to turn, and he keeps
thrusting his hand on me!"
"But, my dear sir, but you treat me, if you will allow me to say so, as
though I were an old shoe," said Ivan Andreyitch in a rush of the meekest
despair, in a voice full of entreaty. "Treat me a little more civilly, just
a little more civilly, and I will tell you all about it! We might be
friends; I am quite ready to ask you home to dinner. We can't lie side by
side like this, I tell you plainly. You are in error, young man, you do not
know...."
"When was it he met her?" the young man muttered, evidently in violent
emotion. "Perhaps she is expecting me now.... I'll certainly get away from
here!"
"She? Who is she? My God, of whom are you speaking, young man? You imagine
that upstairs.... My God, my God! Why am I punished like this?"
Ivan Andreyitch tried to turn on his back in his despair.
"Why do you want to know who she is? Oh, the devil whether it was she or
not, I will get out."
"My dear sir! What are you thinking about? What will become of me?"
whispered Ivan Andreyitch, clutching at the tails of his neighbour's dress
coat in his despair.
"Well, what's that to me? You can stop here by yourself. And if you won't,
I'll tell them that you are my uncle, who has squandered all his property,
so that the old gentleman won't think that I am his wife's lover."
"But that is utterly impossible, young man; it's unnatural I should be your
uncle. Nobody would believe you. Why, a baby wouldn't believe it," Ivan
Andreyitch whispered in despair.
"Well, don't babble then, but lie as flat as a pancake! Most likely you
will stay the night here and get out somehow to-morrow; no one will notice
you. If one creeps out, it is not likely they would think there was another
one here. There might as well be a dozen. Though you are as good as a dozen
by yourself. Move a little, or I'll get out."
"You wound me, young man.... What if I have a fit of coughing? One has to
think of everything."
"Hush!"
"What's that? I fancy I hear something going on upstairs again," said the
old gentleman, who seemed to have had a nap in the interval.
"Upstairs?"
"Do you hear, young man? I shall get out."
"Well, I hear."
"My goodness! Young man, I am going."
"Oh, well, I am not, then! I don't care. If there is an upset I don't mind!
But do you know what I suspect? I believe you are an injured husband--so
there."
"Good heavens, what cynicism!... Can you possibly suspect that? Why a
husband?... I am not married."
"Not married? Fiddlesticks!"
"I may be a lover myself!"
"A nice lover."
"My dear sir, my dear sir! Oh, very well, I will tell you the whole story.
Listen to my desperate story. It is not I--I am not married. I am a
bachelor like you. It is my friend, a companion of my youth.... I am a
lover.... He told me that he was an unhappy man. 'I am drinking the cup of
bitterness,' he said; 'I suspect my wife.' 'Well,' I said to him
reasonably, 'why do you suspect her?'... But you are not listening to me.
Listen, listen! 'Jealousy is ridiculous,' I said to him; 'jealousy is a
vice!'... 'No,' he said; 'I am an unhappy man! I am drinking ... that is, I
suspect my wife.' 'You are my friend,' I said; 'you are the companion of my
tender youth. Together we culled the flowers of happiness, together we
rolled in featherbeds of pleasure.' My goodness, I don't know what I am
saying. You keep laughing, young man. You'll drive me crazy."
"But you are crazy now...."
"There, I knew you would say that ... when I talked of being crazy. Laugh
away, laugh away, young man. I did the same in my day; I, too, went astray!
Ah, I shall have inflammation of the brain!"
"What is it, my love? I thought I heard some one sneeze," the old man
chanted. "Was that you sneezed, my love?"
"Oh, goodness!" said his wife.
"Tch!" sounded from under the bed.
"They must be making a noise upstairs," said his wife, alarmed, for there
certainly was a noise under the bed.
"Yes, upstairs!" said the husband. "Upstairs, I told you just now, I met
a ... khee-khee ... that I met a young swell with moustaches--oh, dear,
my spine!--a young swell with moustaches."
"With moustaches! My goodness, that must have been you," whispered Ivan
Andreyitch.
"Merciful heavens, what a man! Why, I am here, lying here with you! How
could he have met me? But don't take hold of my face."
"My goodness, I shall faint in a minute."
There certainly was a loud noise overhead at this moment.
"What can be happening there?" whispered the young man.
"My dear sir! I am in alarm, I am in terror, help me."
"Hush!"
"There really is a noise, my love; there's a regular hubbub. And just over
your bedroom, too. Hadn't I better send up to inquire?"
"Well, what will you think of next?"
"Oh, well, I won't; but really, how cross you are to-day!..."
"Oh, dear, you had better go to bed."
"Liza, you don't love me at all."
"Oh, yes, I do! For goodness' sake, I am so tired."
"Well, well; I am going!"