MY DEAR CHARLES,--It must be upwards of a month since you heard from me;
I trust you have had sleepless nights in consequence. To be honest, I am
still in England, prepared to go out at a moment's notice, sworn to go,
medically approved, equipped and trained to go, but (my one weakness)
never in fact going. War, of course, is not open to any member of the
public who cares to turn up on the field and proffer his entrance-money;
it is an invitation show, and we have not yet received our cards.
Poor old Tolley, to whom Armageddon is an intensely personal affair, and
who interested himself in it from the purely private motives of the
patriot, in the competitive spirit of the pothunter, or in the wicked
caprice of the law-abiding civilian lusting to travel abroad without a
ticket, go shooting without a licence and dabble in manslaughter without
the subsequent expense of briefing counsel,--poor old Tolley sees a
personal slight in this, and is quite sure that K. has a down on all of
us and on himself in particular. He has no difficulty in conceiving of
the Olympians at the War Office spending five working days and the
Saturday half-day in deciding what they shall do about US; writing round
to our acquaintances for our references: "Is Lieut. Tolley honest, sober
and willing, punctual in his habits, clean in his appearance, an early
riser and a good plain warrior?" and receiving under confidential cover
unfavourable answers; and at night in his dreams he sees the SECRETARY
FOR WAR pondering over our regimental photo and telling himself that
there are some likely-looking fellows in the front row, but you never
know what they have got hidden away in the middle; counting up the heads
and murmuring, as he wonders when he shall send us out, "This year, next
year, some time--never."
But you, Charles, must be patient with us, supporting us with your good
will and opinion, and replying to all who remark upon the progress of
the Allies, "Yes, that's all very well in its way, but you wait till
Henry gets out and then you'll see _some_ war."
Meanwhile the soldier's life continues with us very much after the
manner of the schoolboy's. We all pretend to ourselves that we are now
on terms of complete mutual understanding with the C.O. and the
Adjutant, but none the less we all study their expressions with great
care before we declare ourselves at breakfast. There are times for
jesting and there are times for not jesting; it goes by seasons, fair
and stormy, and to the wise the Adjutant's face is a barometer. In my
wilder and more dangerous moods I have felt tempted to tap it and see if
I couldn't effect an atmospheric change. (In the name of goodness, I
adjure you, Charles, not to leave this letter lying about; if it gets
into print I shall lose all my half-holidays for the next three years or
the duration of the War.)
The other morning I was come for, that is to say I was proceeding
comfortably with my breakfast at 7.55, when I was touched on the
shoulder and told that the C.O. would be glad to see me (or rather,
_would_ see me) at orderly room at eight, a thing which, by the grace of
Heaven and the continual exercise of low cunning on my part, has never
happened to me before. At least they might have told me what I had done,
thought I, as I ran to my fate, gulping down my toast and marmalade, and
improvising a line of defence applicable to any crime. Believe me, the
dock is a haven of rest and security compared with orderly, or ordeal,
room.
When my turn came I advanced to the table of inquisition, came smartly
to attention, saluted, cleared my throat and said, "Sir!" (The
correctness of this account is not guaranteed by any bureau.) I then
cleared my throat again and said, "Sir, it was like this." The C.O.
looked slightly nonplussed; the Adjutant, who in all his long experience
of crime had never before seen the accused open his mouth, began to open
his own. So I pushed on with it. "My defence is this: in the first place
I did not do it. I wasn't there at the time, and if I had been I
shouldn't have done it. In the second place I did it inadvertently. In
the third place it was not a wrong thing to do; and in the fourth place
I am prepared to make the most ample apology, to have the same inserted
in three newspapers, and to promise never to do it again."
Orderly room was by now thoroughly restive. "If you take a serious view
of the matter, Sir," said I, "shoot me now and have done with it. Do not
keep me waiting till dawn, for I am always at my worst and most
irritable before breakfast."
When I paused for breath they took the opportunity to inform me, rather
curtly, I felt, that I had been sent for in order to be appointed to
look after the rations and billets of a party of sixteen officers
proceeding to a distance that same day, and I was to dispose
accordingly. "If I had known that was all," I said to myself, "I'd have
had my second piece of toast while it was still lukewarm." I then
withdrew, by request. I found upon enquiry of the Sergeant-Major, who
knows all things, that the party was to travel by circuitous routes and
arrive at 7.5 P.M., whereas I, travelling _viâ_ London, might arrive at
5 P.M., and so have two odd hours to prepare a home and food for them.
So into the train I got, and there of all people struck the C.O.
himself, proceeding townwards on duty. In the course of the journey I
made it clear to him that, if his boots required licking, I was the man
for the job.
He smiled indulgently. "Referring to that second piece of toast," he
began.